I am my mother's sole caregiver since 2021 and I live with her. I have a sister but she only helps to take her to doctor's appointments. When she was being discharged from the hospital my sister said to me- "You're on your own now". Nice, right?
I have been seeing my boyfriend for 8 years. He always wanted to move to South Carolina but I didn't want to leave my mom alone because even though she didn't get diagnosed with all her health issues until 2021- COPD, Congestive Heart Failure, high blood pressure, erosive gastritis, low thyroid, etc., I knew she wasn't well. She never wanted to see a doctor. She was nearly dead until she finally agreed to go.
So back to the boyfriend, he got fed up and moved in July 2023. We are doing long distance but he is getting tired of waiting. He wants my mother and I to move. My mom refuses. I'm stuck in the middle. What do I do? I asked my sister if she could take care of her. Of course- she said no. She said she would put her right in a nursing home. If my mom gets to the point that I can no longer take care of her by myself then I would have to do that but not right now.
What would you do? If I don't move soon- I will lose my boyfriend. If I move- my mom will go in a nursing home and I will feel awful for the rest of my life. I have been feeling completely stressed and depressed for such a long time now. I just want to feel happy again.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you so much!
My sister is 54. She moved a block from my parents three years ago. Her priorities are her 13 yo and mom, who function as a cohesive family unit. There simply isn’t room for a relationship.
This is where Upset is.
But where does she WANT to be?
The BF has offered to have both Upset AND Mother move to be with him. So (in theory) Upset could move AND remain the caregiver (of course that will bring it's own challenges..).
The Mother has said no to moving.
Sometimes depression creeps up. Making it so hard to even lift one's eyes up to see the bigger view.
Independance & location.
Take your Mother & Boyfriend out of the equation just for the moment.
Where would you live if you were without either of them?
In your town? Near existing friends? Close to your sister, or cousins?
Or are you wanting a change? Would love to try living in South Carolina? Or somewhere else entirely?
IF you chose your current location..
Another option could be to live SEPARATELY to Mother.
Return to being your Mother's daughter & not her fulltime caregiver.
Could this free your mind to allow you to create your own future?
Regarding your boyfriend, I doubt he knew that your mother would live so long in poor health when he told you he wouldn't move without you! Perhaps it would have been better if he had never said so, but please don't blame him now, when after all these years, he needs to move for reasons that seem unselfish--to be near HIS parent(s) and to try to find a better job, which would be good for both of you. He still wants you enough to ask you to come with your mother, knowing you would still devote a lot of your time and attention to her! You've said he moved at the worst moment, but I don't think it's clear to us that there ever would be a time that would be OK with you until your mother had died. And while you swear that you would never do what he did, it's really dangerous to say that when you haven't been in his shoes. Like others, I think you may want us to support your staying with your mother, but what your mother has asked of you and what your boyfriend is still willing to do for you make it hard for many of us to support your staying with your mother. But like some others, I am also not certain that you should move to South Carolina. I am glad you are seeing a counselor, and I hope you will ask the counselor if she/he can help you think about what you want for your life in the long term and what you can do to get there, which may mean becoming independent of both your mother and your boyfriend.
Back to the start... it appeared to be a Parent vs Lover tale.
But it's so much more.
It's also your town vs Boyfriend's new town.
I think the largest part of your puzzle could be your perceived obligation. Based on your values, your faith, your personality - kind heart. Maybe extended family expectations or cultural expectactions too?
But it's also who to please?
What about YOU?
This is YOUR life. What do you really want? If you were totally free for a day to do what you wanted - what would it be?
This seems like a fundamental difference as to what's important to each of you in your relationship.
Since that's the case you might as well call things off with the guy. No sense in dragging things out.
I missed my chances. After a second divorce, I stayed single for seven years before I met my late husband, and he died in 2016.
I contacted this guy the following year. I sent him a Christmas card, after I looked him up thirty four years later. We had one conversation, and I didn't hear from him anymore. I sent him a thinking of you card but never heard back. So, I let this go. Two years later, I found his obituary.
I'm saying all this to say; go visit your boyfriend. If nothing else, you will be able to tell if you want to be with this man or not. Don't let your mother's needs take precedence over your own happiness. Men get tired and move on, and you will become a distant memory in their minds. I wish I had the guts that some of these young women have today. I would have flat out told my father, I'm out of here. Handle you own damn mess you created with your wife and your family, took my daughter and went to live in another place. Now, I'm an old woman, scared all the time and live with a house full of cats. LOL The two men I loved are dead. One was during my youth, and the other was during my middle-aged years.
My advice to you is go alone to visit even if you have to pay for care to come in to care for your mom while you take your trip. Do not drag your mother along on this trip. You deserve a trip away from your mother. Don't let your emotions bounce you all over the place. The question is this; do you and your boyfriend want a stable commitment?
"My advice to you is go alone to visit even if you have to pay for care to come in to care for your mom while you take your trip".
An excellant plan.
take mom with you on vacation there. Plan to visit a couple of assisted living places near BF’s home. Tour them and plan a couple of outings for the 3 of you.
you’re living in mom’s house now. Do a lil bit of thinking and weigh out your options with mom’s house. You may want to lease it out to traveling nurses and doctors . Do short term lease to get income. Test out the living conditions with your man, and AL for mom. It’s a tough road to navigate, but keep options open.. if things don’t seem to work out, you can go back to that home…
my DH & I stayed close to our parents..
Hope things work out well with your BF.
Take mom on that lil vacation.. is it warmer in SC? You may want to play with the positives of migrating south.
tell sis she can take mom for 6 months and you’ll take mom for the other 6 months..
different options..
don’t lose your man, and figure out how to get mom to see the positives about moving.. AL facilities are popping up all over.. they have activities and all that good social stuff..
All I can add is people show you who they are.
BF said he wanted to go. He finally left. He showed he run out of patience.
Upset said she wanted to care for her Mother. She stayed. She has showed what she wants to do.
I'm not religious but *honour thy parents* comes up alot on the forum. What IS honour - to you?
Honour (to me) means RESPECT.
I can certainly RESPECT my elders without obeying their every want, wish or whim. Eg I can respect that many of my family members hold dear the ideal of *family helps family*. Yet I do not let this control me.. not let it dictate how I spend my time, who I help or how I help.
Have your read the book Boundaries: When to say yes & How to say no (by Dr H Cloud & Dr J Townsend). This book helped me tremendously.
As for your mother , she needs to go in a facility so that you can go to school or get a job and take care of your own life and financial needs . Your mother needs care , but you need to think of your needs first .
You are unhappy with the boyfriend and also trying to please your mother at the same time .
How about doing what would make you happy ? What would that look like ? I bet it wouldn’t be either of the two choices you have stated here . You don’t have to be caught in the middle . Choose you instead of either of them .
As long as you believe your mother should come before any boyfriend , please don’t date.
You said financial problems and arguing were part of the scenario and you are helping Mom financially. Do not do that. Keep finances separate and use yours to further your education and better your situation so you can be independent. You need to save for your own future
There may be help for your Mom- call your Area Council on aging for info and consult elder law attorney to see what can be done if you have not already done this. You will need to save for your own future, especially as it seems you will remain single if you continue to put Mom's wants above everything and everyone else.
Put on your own oxygen mask first.
Free boyfriend to find someone who will love him as a full partner, not a divided one.
Be careful of saying you would "never". You never know what will happen in life, nor can you always accurately predict how you will feel or what you will do. Circumstances change. Your boyfriend may have thought with all your Mom's health issues the wait would not be as long as it has turned out to be. What would happen if his parents were to need care? What if you had kids? Would Mom still take precedence? There are other things to focus on in life in addition to Mom.
"Honor thy father and mother" is often quoted but scripture also says "parents do not vex your children". You don't have to be an obedient child all your life. Your Mom needs to learn proper boundaries as do you. Also, putting her in a facility doesn't mean you abandon her. There will still be plenty for you to do as her advocate and you can be as involved as you like. Her health may even improve with facility care if it is a good facility.
I say these things not to harm or insult you but to encourage you to care for YOU! What will you have/do when Mom is gone as she will be one day? Do not take your own life or health for granted.
You are getting mixed advice because the path is not 100% clear. Or even 80%.
I don't know it it's fair to question everything your BF says just because he said he would never move without you. I bet he never could have imagined that your mother would need so much care and live so long and that you would be her sole caregiver for what seems like forever. You really can't blame him for moving on to live where he wants to live. How much of his hopes and dreams should he give up because you refuse to consider any other arrangements for your mom?
There would be nothing wrong with putting your mom in a facility. She may hate it, she might not. Either way, it's up to her and not your problem. My mom has been in AL for 1.5 years and she's not happy. But I'm a LOT happier not taking care of her.
So you have enough input from here and from your family. Time to decide and put your plan in action.
Best of luck.
You may well have told yourself and your mother that you would ‘NEVER put her in a nursing home’. Now you are getting suggestions that you might do just that - but you say you “will feel awful for the rest of my life”.
You too can change your mind – about BF and about M. Even if now you are committed to ‘feeling awful’ forever, you don’t have to stick to it. You need to provide your own “help, advice, or direction”, since you don’t like the advice and direction provided here. What other ‘help’ did you hope for?
Personally, I think the best thing for YOU is to 1) place mom in an AL and 2) tell your BF "It was fun while it lasted, but I'm moving on". Find a career where you can support yourself, so you NEVER have to depend on another person to live. If need be, look into grants for students and go back to school to get your degree. Pursue a career that will afford you both purpose and financial independence. Then you can seek a relationship with someone who will view you as an equal partner, not someone who can be strong-armed into making a decision that will leave you unhappy, no matter what you choose.
If you are getting "pulled" in two different directions, cut the cord on both sides and come up with a third option that suits YOU.
So yes, notgoodenough (though I suspect he/she is very good enough) has wise words here. Tough to implement on both sides but the right action.
Your mom doesn't want to go to a facility...ok then why won't she go to SC and live with the both of you? She wants you to do all the sacrificing so her life stays the same.
You are angry that your BF said he'd never leave. He has waited 8 years for you to be free. How many more years do you think he should just sit and wait patiently for?
I really don't think you want to go to SC. You are more like your mom...you want everything to stay exactly how it is. Your BF got tired of waiting and did what he wanted to do. Decide what you want. Please tell us, what is it that you really want? If everyone was agreeable to whatever it is you want...what would that be?
Tell mom....
"Mom, "Ben" moved to South Carolina and I am going to move as well. We want you to move with us. If you don't want to move we are going to start looking for Assisted Living places next week. I will make appointments tomorrow"
Do not let her hold you back.
An Assisted Living facility is NOT a "nursing home" if mom needs Skilled Nursing that would be a different level of care.
Assisted Living facilities have activities that keep people involved, they provide transportation to doctor appointments, shopping and other outings. Most are just like an apartment with kitchen but most will encourage residents to go to the dining room for socialization.
You really have 2 choices.
Let mom rule your life and ruin any chance with your boyfriend and let her get her way.
Establish YOUR boundaries and follow your path,
Why after eight years are you not married to your boyfriend?
I think in any event you do not owe your mom and I would agree with the advice to move to SC and if your mom does not want to go, then AL/SNF it is.
But at the same time, why move when there apparently isnt indication of commitment.
So bring it on, I am a man, I can take it
It's money issues and caution over marriage plus the personality issues is why we aren't married.
We had fights but always worked them out. But if I'm going to move to South Carolina- uproot my life and leave everyone here- all my family, friends, acquaintances- then I would like to have a commitment because what if I move and we have a fight and he throws me out? Where do I go? I wouldn't be able to afford living on my own. I wouldn't have anyone to stay with. I would be on the street. He has his father, stepmother, step sister who lives there. I have no-one.
Move to SC, get mom in a SNF "and feel awful for the rest of your life."
Or live with mom and lose your boyfriend who you've been with for 8 years.
And all because mother refuses to move.
Who's holding YOU hostage here, my friend? Who's put you in this miserable position in the first place?
Put the ball back in MOTHER'S court now and let HER make the decision FOR you:
She either chooses to move to SC with you or she chooses to move into a nursing home.
Why on earth does SHE hold ALL the cards here? There in lies your mistake. She's been given way too much power. By YOU.
You're fortunate the bf wants her in SC at ALL.
I myself live with a man I am not married to. At 81 I have been with my "partner" for 36 years. But it was a decision between us, having met in our late 40s when we'd already EACH raised two daughters, to become legal domestic partners rather than to marry. This was for very good practical reasons and it has worked well for us.
Yet I can tell you right now that if my man chose to move when he knew that I was very close to family and in fact caregiver to my mother, and to be forced to leave my mother for him because he "simply wanted to move somewhere else", I would likely stay in the care of my Mom if that is what I wished to do.
You say you are in the middle. For me the choice would be easy if I wished to continue to care for my mom. I would tell my boyfriend I hoped we could remain friends, and tell him he is free, and to seek someone he could be happy with.
I am assuming you never promised him you would move to him. I hope not. Because if you did you led him to believe he could move and you would join him, all the while without knowing you could.
So again, this depends on your closeness to this "boyfriend". You certainly KNOW him well enough after 8 years. But the fact is you are now in a position to either:
A) tell Mom "BF and I want to marry and live in Carolina. You are welcome to move with us; but I am leaving by mid year".
or
B) you can tell BF "I have wanted to care for my Mom and you moved knowing that. She won't move, so I free you now to seek another. I will be staying."
The decision isn't an easy one, but no one can make it for you.
As to sister, she doesn't figure in any of this at all. She has chosen not to be a hands on caregiver. In all truth that would be my own choice for my own life as well. She has made her choice and is clear in it.
I certainly wish you the best in your decision. It sounds like either way you are facing a loss.
Do you know what abusive neediness is? It is when a person has needs and is dependent on another and uses their needs or conditions as weapons to manipulate and control the life of the person or people they are dependent on.
This is what your mother is doing to you.
You are very lucky to have a good man who is willing to take your mother in. He will move on if you don't make a decision and well he should.
Let me tell you something else too. Your mother is dependent on you to meet her needs. When someone is dependent on another they are not the one who makes the decisions or "allows" anything. So take the word "allow" right out of your vocabulary when dealing with your mother.
Tell her plainly that these are the choices you are giving her.
She moves with you to live with your boyfriend in South Carolina or she goes into a nursing home where she is. No debate. No discussion. Either it's move or a nursing home.
As for how you will feel guilty and depressed over it for a long time.
Grow up and drop the baby act and the fear of feeling guilty and depressed if you don't give mommy her own way. That's ridiculous. Aren't you embarrassed by such nonsense?
You're offering your mother a choice on how to stay out of a nursing home. Whether or not she likes it or it's exactly what she wants and how she wants it is up to her not you. You've offered to take her with you. Either she goes with you or to a nursing home. That's it.
Sister is not the 'understudy' - is not obliged to step forward if/when Upset steps back.
The responsibility lays with the Mother to arrange her own life & care (unless POA has needed to take over).