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Bottom line, his relationship with his mom is priority one! Remember the Golden Rule - You can't change a man.
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TouchMatters Dec 2022
You can only change yourself.
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I think you may need to walk away from this one. There is some serious co-dependency going on and that is nothing you can fix. If she is 55, then he is still a young man and should be working a job and planning his future. She is being selfish asking her young son to give up his life to take care of her and he is definitely codependent to think this is normal. They have issues. When she dies, he will still have issues. My suggestion is to back away from this relationship and put your efforts elsewhere as this is not a healthy one to stay in.
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Oh, honey. Run away.
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Get information about insulin pens. The person dials in the required amount of insulin and are easier to use than syringes. There are also programmable devices that insert a very thin tube under the skin and stay in place for at least a week. They check blood sugar and give amounts based on the blood sugar level. For driving, hook her up with Uber, Lyft, or local taxi service.

You are right that there is something more going on in the mother-child relationship. They could use counselling. If neither is willing to make changes, you need to decide if you want to continue dealing with his parent-child relationship "as is".
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JoAnn29 Dec 2022
These pens are extremely expensive the reason people went back to syringes. To dial, u still need to see.
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This is an enmeshed relationship dynamic which screams codependency. It saddens me to know your BF truly believes his 55 year old mother will die if he leaves her. This borders psychological abuse. My husband is 55 & I am 50, with health conditions which caused obesity, as it is painful to walk & move on some days. Yet, we walk a mile a day anyhow. I guess I am curious just how "obese" mother truly is. Like "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" size? Is she Type 1 or Type 2 diabetic? I am caring for my father with Type 2 (age 75) and a daughter with Type 1 (age 17) ~ I still require my father to try to do as much for himself. It sounds like, from what you posted,, there is no excuse, at age 55, to depend on her son like that. Blindness is not an excuse either, as there are alternatives to help her with ADLs. She sounds like a total drama queen. Just realize, you are in control of how long you are willing to deal with this. You cannot change people & it would take therapy for your BF to realize he is being flamboogled by his mother.
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Advice overall is very clear. LEAVE the situation.
And, I add, get into therapy to explore why YOU chose or choose a co-dependent partner. This isn't 'just' about him and his behavior. It is more about YOU and you needing to make decisions on your life. That you stay in this relationship indicates to me that you have low self-esteem and need to learn to respect yourself in order to attract, and fine, a partner worthy of you. First, you need to feel worthy of an equal partner/ship.

I believe you write us here for support to leave the relationship although you do not / are unable to come out and say this. Your focus is him him him and his mother. You need to be honest with your feelings about yourself and do what you need to do. I suggest you get into therapy ASAP. You have your entire life ahead of you.

'If only" I had known when I was in my late teens-20s and 30s what I know now... don't waste your time. It is all you have and the quality of your life - that time - matters NOW. You can't get it back. We must learn to love and respect our self, otherwise others won't (or could easily take advantage of you due to their triggers and issues, as your boyfriend has). He needs to grow - up and he may or may not (see-be aware of this need, want to, or be able to at this time).
This is his business, not yours. Leave. This is a very toxic situation for you and it will not soon, if ever, change.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Hothouseflower Dec 2022
I regret marrying into my DH’s family. I love my husband but if I knew then what I know now, I would never have married him. I chose not to see the red flags, unfortunately and I have regrets.
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You need to find another boyfriend!
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He needs to meet with a Geriatric Psychologist to discuss his attachment anxiety.

You need to go stay with family or friends and strategize where you'll be moving to.

You are volunteering to live this way and you're not even related. You would benefit from meeting with a regular family therapist to figure yourself out. Would you be willing to trade your happiness for this boyfriend who encouraged you to live in his indentured slavery. "Nothing changes if nothing changes': "Be the change."
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While it sounds like both your BF and his mother each have psychological things to work on both for themselves and in regards to their relationship with each other, that’s on them to do when they are ready and you aren’t going to make them ready any sooner. The only thing you can control is what you do to take care of yourself and I know that’s easier said than done, especially when you feel you are watching the person you love being hurt and it’s affecting your relationship. But your relationship and the way you react and choices you make are really the only things you have some control over.

On that note I may be confused but if you moved into his mothers house with your boyfriend you must have had some idea of the dynamics. Was his mother more independent then and he was working so moving you in just to save money or something? Did you both move into her house together from another apartment or did you move in with him already living there? Either way really you have been together long enough to make the commitment to live together so his situation with his mom couldn’t have come as a surprise. Unless things changed drastically during your relationship, which does happen, you can’t really put it all on your BF or his mother, they didn’t hide their codependency even if you didn’t think it ran as deep or thought that you would change it. I do think you need to take some time reflecting on what you want, what you are ok with and can deal with and what you can’t as well as what’s fair to ask of him and what isn’t. Is it unreasonable to expect your BF to put you first most of the time and enjoy growing your relationship? Of course not! Is it fair to insist he put you before his mom when he has always been clear her needs come first, maybe not, his loss but maybe not. Much of this sounds like a loosing battle for you but maybe this relationship is important enough for you to stay, give up the battle and take whatever you can get from him but maybe your mental health and sense of self is important enough to go through the pain and trauma of leaving the relationship, that’s not for me to say. If you decide on leaving however don’t give him an ultimatum or blame it on his relationship with his mother or her manipulation, leave because that’s what you need for you rite now and part on good terms, he isn’t cheating on you with his mom and while it’s heartbreaking that he chooses her needs over his own blaming him for that does no one any good. Parting on good terms is good for everyone. Whatever choice you make, continually making that and other choices will give you strength and at least put you back in control of yourself, whatever that choice it’s fine because it’s your choice.
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Mommy dearest may be playing the suicide card. Wouldn’t be the first mother to threaten to kill herself if her child doesn’t fulfill all her demands.
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Please honor your own self respect and, do what you feel is best for you; perhaps get some personal counseling to help you reach that decision. Then, act on that decision. If it turns out that you arrive at understanding yourself to need to leave, please do so graciously and promptly, wishing them well, do not drag it all out; say your goodbyes in respectful ways and, go forward to live your life. Notice that I have referred to " you"; as " you" are the only one that you can decide for, change if/ as needed and, be responsible for your needs.
You have no right to try and persuade, change, convince nor in any way dictate what your BF decisions are about his mother. Nor can you change his mother nor him, nor their relationship, healthy or unhealthy as it may be.
Honor yourself and your needs to make the best decision for you. Let them figure out the rest for themselves, right or wrong, they have that right.
Do not try to make BF choose between you and his mother; there will be only more grief and regrets.
If you disagree ( or anyone) disagrees with a situation ( personal or professional) one must act accordingly, respecting one's own needs, values etc. Many times that means , leave the situation/ job etc.
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If he can't get a job, and he is definitely working age, how does he support himself? That might be the answer below the surface. How long has he not held a job while living with and caring for his mother? Maybe he's ok with living off mom, having no bills, and (in exchange) taking care of the house and her. If it's been going on a while, it may go on for much much longer.

So then YOU have to decide: Will you work to support the both of you...or just yourself while mom supports him? Do you want more? Clearly you wouldn't be on this site if this is the future you want.

Mom is cozy in the arrangement because she is having her needs met. Her needs will increase. Medically, she really might need someone in the house with her and he seems willing to provide. We all have to do what our hearts allow us to live with. His heart (and maybe what he's accustomed to) tells him he can't walk away from his mother. I understand that. I couldn't either, however I was retired and didn't need her to support me. You on the other hand have to decide what your heart lets you live with - would you do the same for your parent(s) - maybe not. And that's not a bad thing. You just aren't on the same page in regard to being a caregiver.
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Seeing posts like this reminds me of why I told my daughters from a young age to be very selective about choosing a mate!

It’s a good thing to tell our daughters about potential red flags to look out for when they begin to date.
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RUN don’t WALK !!!! The writing is on the wall. Not only is he looking for an excuse to not work, he’s looking for an excuse to not marry you. That probably is a godsend for you. Do you wanna be a private maid the rest of your life? What happens if you marry this guy and have children? They will always take a backseat to his mother as will you. Cut the ties now and start a new life for yourself. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you deserve someone that will appreciate you and make you a priority in his life. We all love our parents but this is absolutely an unreal story. Good luck
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She doesn’t need his care. This is a family dynamic from his whole life. This is not the type of man you want to marry. End it
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I think he has made his choice. Not fair to you, but that is his decision. She is only 55 so you could be going through this for at least 20 more years!!! She is holding on to him as she does not want to lose him to you or anyone else.
What is unfair is that he allows this to happen to you. If he cared anything about you, he would put you first. You need to say goodbye to both of them. FOR YOUR SAKE, I hope you will be strong enough to do what needs to be done. Ask God for strength in this matter. God bless you.
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PhillaFisher: Perhaps this gentleman, your boyfriend, is devoting far too much time to his mother, who needs to see a dietician and not enough time to you.
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My husband has been Type 1 diabetic over 50 years. He needs minimal assistance managing the disease. 55 is young and I suspect mom is really playing on BF’s heartstrings and milking his sympathy for her. (jealous of you as well) Recognize this arrangement could last another 30 years. Are you willing to play second fiddle to mama as this will only escalate. He has chosen unnecessary enabling/caregiving. You’re young. Don’t lose yourself and put life on hold to keep him company. A happier life is out there. Go get it.
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Dump your boyfriend you are not his priority.
if you were important to him he would have his mother hire someone to take care of her or move her into a facility.
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Barbarasfriend Dec 2022
Sorry but this is the first thing that popped into my mind after reading this post. Things are probably not going to change and who needs that stress in their life.
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