I have been dating my boyfriend a year and 3 months. I'm 46, he's 47. We both live in NYC and have full time jobs and busy lives. He lives with his mother. His father passed away 2 1/2 years ago, and since then he has been taking care of her. She's in her mid-60s, diabetic, sciatic, depressed, and is in a fragile mental state. She was one of those women who was 100% reliant on her husband, and now relies on her son to take care of her. When we first started dating seriously last year, I was hesitant to get into a committed relationship with my boyfriend because I was concerned he did not have enough time to dedicate to a real partnership. Not only is a he a caretaker for his mom, he works full time, has an independent music label, and has a teenage son from a previous marriage. He convinced me that he was committed to being with me, so I decided to give it a try. He even said that he had thought about our future, and that if things worked out, he'd consider moving in with me. Things went well for the first year or so. We got closer. He did a few things to make his mother more independent, like getting her to take handidart to church, so that we'd have more time on the weekends together. We went on a two vacation to Europe in the summer. We have a wonderful love and friendship, and I believe the relationship has true potential. Throughout this period, I have frequently felt that my boyfriend does not make enough time to spend with me. I often feel that I am not enough of a priority. It is so hard to find time together, and he cancels and changes plans with me frequently. Recently, his mother stopped taking her medication and became so weak he had to take her to the ER. He learned that she did this to try and commit suicide. He changed his mind about moving in with me, and now he says he must live with her. His siblings do not live in the same city, so they cannot help. He cannot afford to hire care or put her in a home. We have also been arguing a lot. We only see each other twice a week, and he changes plans frequently which is hurtful. Our relationship is not progressing, and I don't know where I stand anymore. I'm ready to be in a more committed relationship with someone and I'd like to move forward. I spent my earlier years being very career focused and travelling, and now I really want to be in a relationship. Do I break up with my boyfriend because he doesn't have time for me, has no plans to live with me right now, and needs to be with his mother? I don't actually believe she needs full time care but he believes she does. What solutions exist? I would really appreciate some advice.
I believe the core question here is one you’ve to ask yourself and answer it very honestly: Do you love him?
I’m not trying to oversimplify things, but that is really the key question.
You haven’t gotten the caregiving experience...yet!! (Consider that) And in any event, the life and choices of caregivers and of the people being cared for are VERY different, none is the same as the other, although the basic aspects are actually very similar. The interactions, responsibilities and ways to handle those responsibilities greatly depend on set family dynamics, personalities, type and degree of illness, age of caregiver and care recipients, even religious beliefs!
So you get nothing out of criticizing their dynamics, as at this point that is unlikely to change. You won’t change him nor his mom, and you won’t change the core situation.
Here you are pondering if you should stay with your boyfriend or leave him. When I believe you should be asking yourself questions such as:
Could you move in with him? (that way you’d be part of the situation, not “something” else he has to take care of)
Would you be ok with helping him out with his mom? not only helping him find places and resources that could provide care for her, but actually CARING for her.
Are you ok with accepting in your life not only his elderly mom but his son, and also to having some contact with the boy’s mom?
How would you handle it if in the future you were the caregiver of your parents and you were the one trying to balance a relationship and caregiving?
At this point in life most man you’ll meet will have kids and /or parents to care for. None of them will likely offer a perfect situation. Unfortunately it’s hard to be a priority when kids and parents are involved, that is just a reality, not to be offended by it, it is just a reality.
I’m not encouraging you to settle -never settle- but I’m reminding you of what you may find.
The answers to those questions will give you your overall answer. You talk about commitment but true commitment requires acceptance. Think about your feelings and what you know you can and cannot deal with. Option B is a timely separation.
The way I see it it’s about loving a person enough to accept their circumstances and finding in your heart a way to deal with the situation without resenting him...or bravely realizing you don’t love him enough to embark in a relationship where many sacrifices will be required, beyond what you’re willing to give or do.
Neither answer is wrong, but it should be very honest. Find this answer within yourself!
His mom must be older than the mid 60’s if he is 47.
Have you met his child? Is the boy part of his dad’s life? Does his son spend any time with his grandmother?
Have you met his mom?
I see a lot of red flags if most of the answers above are “no”.
You can get a lot from witnessing how an father interacts with his kids, his ex, his mother. Doesn’t sound like you’ve been privy to this. I see a person who got whatever reason is afraid to love, & perhaps, commit.
Does he support his son financially? Does his child have an important part in his life?
Do you want to be part of his experiment while he figures out what he wants out of life? You are single, living in a great city & independent. You don’t deserve that.
I would never settle. Ever. You know when someone loves you. They put you before everything. Your happiness is his happiness. If he can’t figure out the roles of different people in his life at his age, he’s not going to change for you.
Take another year to get to know him better. Go about your life and let him deal with all his loose ends. Of course see him & enjoy each other, but no commitments yet. You’ve made it to 46 you can make it another year. Give him time & space to sort out his mother’s care on his own. You can do research & suggest, but let him take the lead with her and see how it pans out.
Good luck to you! You have a lot to offer the right person. You deserve someone devoted to you.
@careisgiving - Thanks for sharing. I feel for you and what you are giving up to care for your mother.
@Rosses - I will definitely ask myself if I can accept him and his life. He hasn't exactly been forthcoming about the options.
@shane - I am coming to conclusion that he has a lot of baggage, and really he hasn't sorted things out. You're absolutely right! (BTW I haven't met his son, who he does support financially). Thanks so much for the wise advice and support.
My parents were in their 80's and were walking 2 miles a day, going on vacation, eating out, going to the movies, having a truly wonderful retirement. Then things happen. Medical issues upon medical issues once they got into their 90's. And i found myself dealing with 7 years of helping my parents.
You mentioned you would find a way to get help for your parents. Curious what type of help? My Dad had around the clock caregivers which cost him $20k per month, not cheap. Eventually he moved to senior living and that was $72k per year. So unless your parents saved big time for a rainy day, you will find yourself doing all the heavy lifting, just like your current boyfriend is doing.
Just food for thought.
Just wanted to add that based on what you’ve shared here it doesn’t sound to me that the problem comes from his relationship with his mother and his caregiving role.
It sounds like the problem actually comes from your relationship with him. Seems as if there’s a lack of a sincere and open communication and I think you don’t know enough about him, his reality, problems and concerns, financial situation, level of maturity, plans and aspirations. Do you know why he was limited in terms of parental visits? Not asking you to share that here, but giving you food for thought.
Caregiving is overwhelming and I’m sure it’s nice to have someone to take the mind off the situation and to get a break from the caregiving routine, but that’s not what you want to be for someone. There’s a chance that’s what might be happening, but only you can tell that.
Good luck to you and I hope you get all the clarity of mind and heart to sort this situation out!
I have no problem with a teen not meeting his divorced parents' lovers. I don't think they should think of their parents in a sexualized way like that. What bothers me is the restricted visitation which he could have challenged in court if there were grounds - or maybe he did not want to bother visiting his own child.
He's avoiding intimacy. He's had 2 years, and you don't even get to see him much, much less a ring and a date. Move on, and listen to Dr. Laura online for good dating advice. :)