He’s hanging in there but may not last much more than a month. She knows it but still has trouble processing it and has a lot of trouble expressing her feelings. I want to help her through this but I’m not sure what conversation I should be having with her other than the obvious. Any suggestions?
Her pet is her primary relationship. Most of her life she’s had pets and no real relationships with people. Even her own child. I just want to make this as easy for her as possible.
I was just reading over your previous posts. Is your mom still living with you?
Does she manage the care of her dog on her own? Feed him etc? I only ask as a way to understand her mental state.
My DHAunt (95-dementia) was very attached to her dog but she hadn’t taken care of him in a long while. She sometimes thought he was asleep in another room etc. Then other times she would ask if he was “gone”. I just said yes. We would have a moment and then she would forget we had spoken of it or just move on.
I saw where you were considering grief counseling for her when your step dad died. How did that grief resolve? How did you manage that with her? I would expect her to be somewhat similar with this loss.
I was reading in Brene’ Browns book “Atlas of the Heart” about grief. It’s in her chapter “Places we go when we are hurting”.
She made a reference to the Center for Complicated Grief at Columbia and discusses the different types of grief. Disenfranchised grief being one that isn’t always supported by traditional mourning practices but is grief all the same. The loss of a pet was mentioned in that group.
She quotes a grief expert, David Kessler. “Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn’t mean needing someone to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.”
“Grief does not obey your plans, or your wishes. Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to. In that regard, Grief has a lot in common with Love.” -Elizabeth Gilbert
To me it sounds like your mom is already in deep grief. One last quote from the Center in Columbia.
“When a person adapts to a loss grief is not over.” It doesn’t mean that we’re sad the rest of our lives, it means that “grief finds a place” in our lives.
“Imagine a world in which we honor that place in ourselves and others rather than hiding it, ignoring it, or pretending it doesn’t exist because of fear or shame.” Brene’ Brown.
I know it’s painful to see her so distressed. You are a wonderful daughter to be so understanding of how much she is hurting.
You're very kind and thoughtful to be concerned about your mother and her dog as they both journey through challenging times.
Is your mom still actively alcoholic? Does she have a diagnosis of dementia or is this your own assessment? Does she have memory impairment? In my own experience, my LO with mod/adv dementia has 2 cats that are in her long-term memory. If I were in your situation, I might consider not having the discussion about the dog's health (especially if she is forgetting and you are reminding her). If she has dementia she won't really ever be able to grasp, retain and work through this sad news. Many on this forum have a parent with memory impairment who keep asking about their spouse who passed away. It is unproductive to revisit the issue. Better to distract her to a different topic or use a "therapeutic fib" about the dog (why it is behaving oddly, where is it, etc.) You will eventually need to deal with the dog's permanent absence. Once this happens, there are mechanical pets for dementia patients that often are accepted by them and bring comfort. You can even use just a stuffed animal (and it doesn't have to be very "realistic"). My aunt has one which she loves, even though she also has 2 living cats!
Also, be prepared for an onslaught of comments from well-meaning (but zealous) pet-loving forum participants about the welfare and future of your mom's dog. Just do what works for YOU in your situation. I wish you peace in your heart.