Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a while and hope everyone is doing ok. My parents finally moved near us, in fact, in our condo complex and are renting. I packed and unpacked every single box for them and was away from my husband during his chemo and radiation treatments for 2 months so they could move from Florida to Virginia. My husband was with me during my breast cancer journey and I feel awful that I couldn't be there for him. We actually felt their needs were more important, but we have sacrificed our lives for my parents since we were married and before (that's another story in itself!)
Now here's the problem - she is getting upset when I tell her I need to go downstairs to care for my ailing husband and to straighten up my home. She has my Dad who can care for her. I'm starting to resent them being here. I told her I would like to use my own bathroom and I want to put some things away and stay home a little bit. She made a face and asked me why and I said I'll be back later and she said you don't have to - stay down there (angrily). I'm starting to get my nervous stomach back and to be honest I yelled at her the other day. As many posters know, my mom has always been "needy". I will fill you in with details later on, but for now I need help! I am neglecting my husband, my dog and my own needs! Thank you my wonderful friends!
The fact of the matter is, you don't want "help". You like this "close knit" family situation just fine, as you said, there's nothing wrong with it. What is it you seek? Validation for being a good daughter? I grew up in the exact type of household you describe. Dysfunctional. Expected to be the entertainment committee for my personality disordered mother and to be her BFF too, in spite of the fact she was an insufferable human being. Of COURSE they're "controlling".....how else are they going to manipulate a daughter into taking care of them for 60 years, visiting with them all day long, cooking for them, traveling with them, taking them to get their nails done, bringing them popsicles, etc? Very, very few daughters actually want to do that or consider it a normal thing, outside of Italy. I certainly DID NOT want to lead my life that way!!
As a young child, my only goal was to escape the suffocation I suffered, not to endure it until they died. So I did, until I had my son. Then my parents followed me all over the country to "help me" with the baby. I finally moved back East to get out of that nightmare, and had my own life again for 17 years.
You, on the other hand, enjoy the company of your parents. Otherwise you would have allowed them to move into AL as planned. As I did with my folks.....
There is no crime in what you are doing. The silliness is in trying to make us think you hate it and want it to change. At 64 years old when your parents are approaching the end of their lives. If anything, you will be doing MORE for them NOW than ever before and likely cohabitating at some point.
So stop asking for advice and just live your life as YOU SEE FIT. You've gotten years worth of great advice here on A.C. you've totally ignored. Nothing is changing now and we all know it, you included.
Good luck, I'm out.
"There is no crime in what you are doing. The silliness is in trying to make us think you hate it and want it to change."
You also ask: "What is the purpose of this thread".
BINGO.
This thread, like most social media. is just chit chat. It will go on longer than "Is it Wrong to Hope Someone Dies" (now over 900 responses). This is a family in which all participants are fully engaged, and the last thing any of them want is "help". That would mean "change". And no one here wants change. They are perfectly happy with status quo.
Thanks, Lea, for saying here what I have longed to say every time I trip over this one at the top of the threads, and saying it so much better than I ever could.
Were your parents planning/willing to live in AL ?
If so , that’s where they should be .
If you stopped them from moving to AL , you are totally enmeshed and are addicted to this drama.
Dawn - I really should have kept my mouth shut! They were going into an assisted living facility right down the street and my heart felt bad that they would be living in a very small apartment and thought they weren't ready for it. My Dad called EMS the other day and was hospitalized for a kidney stone. The AL would have taken care of everything, and taken care of my mom and her dog and now we are. How stupid am I! They are ready for it because my Dad crossed into three lanes of traffic in Florida with cars bearing down on us and I was SCREAMING and had to tell him to go ahead and he yelled at me saying - they were going to stop for me. I was really stupid! My husband also co-signed for their lease and now we're stuck - all because we don't want them to be upset.
You can choose to play your mother's game and accept the guilt or ... not. Once you choose to not accept the guilt then you will start feeling better about the situation.
Romeo is up against a hard place knowing that her parents likely will pass within three years. They are 93 and 96 after all. Her rock is her husband, who could feasibly pass within three years. Same for her if her breast cancer has metasized to her lung.
When one is up against a rock and a hard place, one needs to choose between two non ideal options. Well, Romeo, given the nonzero odds of you or him needing another round of chemo that could trigger y’all into getting aides for yourself, you and he need to enjoy each passing day together as it is among your last as it very well be.
I am thinking that Romeo and her husband focus on being rescuers to avoid looking at the blunt bottom line of their own physical conditions. And maybe it’s a cope in that they’re not dwelling on themselves.
Maybe AL when the lease is up on the condo , hopefully it’s not longer than a year lease .
In the meantime Romeo , try to set some boundaries as far as time away from your parents , and remember you don’t have to give them everything they WANT, just what they NEED.
*Separation anxiety*
Romeo, maybe google those & see if it fits with Mom's clingy behaviour.
"She just has to let me go home to sit in my own living room!"
Do you see that you cannot wait for Mom to 'let you', for Mom to give you permission?
Do you see how you made a stand. Pushed back. Stated no, you were going home. You then did so.
Well done there.
I think the wider picture will include assessing your folks' real needs vs their wants & whims. These can come at you All.Day.Long. 100s of small issues - which will eat you up.
Especially if there is clingyness.
This is the story.
She's also asking me what am I doing in my apartment - I told her everything that I neglected when I spent 2 months in Florida and 1 month here unpacking. She just can't understand that I have a household to run and even if I just wanted to read or write or go on the computer - for heavens sake - anything else I want to do. What is her business? This is beyond ridiculous that it's becoming funny. Last night while she was sitting down she was directing where she wanted to fix her other chairs. I said - Mom I really really want to go home and I bowed to her - like yes mam, I'm at your beck and call - being sarcastic. She's a character!
Is she really kidding me?
Like I said, I think part of why you and hubs are so into helping them is so you won’t dwell on the worst cases of your own physical situations. But that doesn’t mean denying them at your peril.
Cancer has not definitively let go of eith one of you yet. And if either of you have to go on for round 2 of chemo, it’s not going to be as easy as the first. If you’re both sick, then you’re going to have to get in at minimum 12/24 hour care for the two of you. Which could be near 100k a year, and we are talking the care.com or Nextdoor rate. An agency will be double.
If you yourselves are renting an apartment, I seriously doubt you can afford to take on another households bills.
I'm going to walk Romeo and I'm completely exhausted from their antics telling me stop yelling while I explain things, blah, blah, blah. I could give a crap about anything right now.
Do you even know how you are??
I don't give a rats butt about your parents actually at this point.
This is about YOU.
How are you?
Without, I'm good butt moms mad at me, honest to God. Who cares.
Can you finish a complete sentence about you, without talking about your parents.
Do you ever say, to your husband, we need to get coffee at the store today, with out think.
Mom needs ,B, C, and D and then you need coffee.
Are you getting the point I'm trying to get out there??
You said that your husband is ill. He really should be your #1 priority, not your parents. I just hope he's really ok with it and (hopefully) not resenting you.
You said you have no friends anymore as you didn't have the time or energy to invest in them. I understand that. I also believe this venue is your avenue to vent to someone, anyone, about your life who might understand it. It's always good to have a place to vent. I also see you're using HUMOR, which is very good. It is the key to not letting the people in our lives, who are trying their best to manipulate us, upset us.
Just remember, you have to take care of yourself first or you won't be any good helping anyone else. And if you have to get into Therapy to learn how, do it.
I LIVED in Italy for three years (it was wonderful), and over and over again the Italians that I befriended talked frankly about how difficult it was/is to break away from family and cultural expectations. Children are EXPECTED to live in multigenerational homes with grandparents, parents, spouses, children, and often aunts/uncles and the younger family members are EXPECTED to care for the older ones in every way possible, until the elders die. And this expectation is not only for daughters, but for sons, too.
It's tougher on women who are typically paid less than their male peers. It's still a male dominated culture, for example, I was not allowed to sign the lease on our rental, only my husband was allowed to sign it. Women's efforts to rent places of their own are typically kissed off sweetly by real estate agents or landlords regardless of ability to pay the rent.. Inside the Italian home, Nonna is in charge and she rules the roost with a firm hand. Italy is all about the duty to maintain historic tradition regarding almost everything.
Ciao!
You matter.
And we are a support group to support you , not to support your parents.
I don't do a lot at moms because I can't take the hovering and micro managing.
But when a Italian woman marries, she goes to live with her husband's family in the multigenerational home. No exceptions. And si, Romeo, sharing family meals is a serious thing . No introverted personality behavior seen at the family table, though- you must be animated, extroverted, opinionated, articulate, educated, and celebrate the meal. Lots of happy arguing and witty humor about topics, lots of good natured laughter. Good table manners are essential. No snarky behavior evident at the table. Children and teens are well behaved.
But it does explain my daughter’s future Italian American father in law . I thought he was just intense, but maybe that’s just normal for him . We’ve had dinner with my daughter’s future in laws quite a few times , it’s hard to get a word in . His wife ( she’s not Italian ) and I are both sort of quiet people but we try to have our own little seperate conversations , while our two husbands chit chat . My husband is a talker as well although he’s not Italian . Sometimes we wives look at each other and roll our eyes about how our two husbands go on non stop.
As one person told me in Italy, "the reason why we lost the second world war is that nobody in Italy could understand what the other Italian person was saying."
Anyway, a few years ago, someone started "what are you having for dinner every night?" - does anyone remember that? We should do that again, except I'm not cooking - we're having PF Changs Chinese Frozen food every night. This is a mortal sin in an Italian family, but no one is up to cooking right now. Are you guys still doing that?
Your not talking about your mom, your talking about you!
Welcome to my world, of a narcissist difficult family, and many many of us here in your shoes, or have been
By the way, my family is from Calabria, Italy.
Once they figure out that one tactic is not working they change there behavior to another tactic.
You have to be smarter than the controller and watch out for the changes.
And most importantly, if mom gets all distant to you, remember, this is another tactic. Don't let her know in anyway that it saddened you that she is being rude to you. Don't let it sadden you, but if it does on the inside keep it on the inside.
Technical you are now your parents , parent.
So you need to start accepting it and more importantly act the part.
Mom is not at all going to like it, and she is going to give you a hard time.
Accept it, and eventually she will have to accept it
PS: We had a flat tire before we went upstate one time and my mom said - Oh, you're not coming up this weekend? What the heck is wrong with this women?
Not driving in Snow Storms, accused of faking covid. Not being able to get a covid vaccine because of the guilt I would get if I was not feeling good enough after to do what ever silly stupid thing, she thought she needed me to do.
Being sick after pretty much saving her grandsons life , and the trauma I went through to do it. Then being annoyed with me for the stress of that situation because I wanted a break for a few days.
My list is endless, just like yours.
After you finally get it and all we are saying, you will go through an angry stage. Just plan P/$$ off at life, and angry at yourself for putting up with it.
Your story is not all that unusual
Romeo , you can always reread the answers on this thread for reference and reinforcement .
Grey Rock method .
And
detachment from toxic people