Mom is 88 years old and a long time alcoholic. She is almost blind and uses a walker because she broke her hip twice and still lives alone in a regular apartment. She complains about how tired she is but still walks a mile (each way) to buy liquor even in winter when the roads and sidewalks are covered by snow. Sometimes she falls in the street.
She won't ask anyone to pick it up for her, because she knows that we think she is an alcoholic. I have refused to buy it for her before, but now I don't know if I should start.
She is risking her life by walking to the liquor store and has ended up in the hospital because she falls in the street. She won't use a car service or ask anyone to drive her. She will let us order regular groceries through a delivery service. But not liquor and cigarettes. Should I start buying it for her? Her doctor says she is competent and has the right to make her own decisions.
Sure, you can buy her the alcohol IF, IF you can live with the consequences of her drinking it. Kind of like buying drugs for your kid because he's addicted. When too much creates health, fall, or death issue - are you going to be able to forgive yourself. This is the exact reason I do not give money to panhandlers on the street. They are someone's husband, brother, sister, mother, etc and I refuse to help them kill themselves. I'll buy food and hand it to them, but no cash money. However, that's my opinion. It's up to you what you can live with.
"I refuse to help them kill themselves."
Well, well. There you go. Can't say it any better.
It is a situation of transitioning into sobriety and at her age that’s a tough challenge.
It’s also a matter of what she can endure. It becomes a life or death situation.
Compassion is necessary. That isn’t approval. It’s making sure that she survives a crises.
Not to mention the awful situation of her walking to get her booze. An addict will go to great lengths to do what they have to do.
My brother was homeless for awhile. An old veteran befriended him.
He allowed him to stay in an unused RV that he owned. My brother did exactly as this woman. He walked for miles to get his drugs.
He would not ask the old man to bring him because he didn’t want to put the old man at risk by accompanying him while he was carrying heroin. That’s a felony if caught.
The old man wasn’t stupid. He saw my brothers tracks on his arms and knew where he was walking.
He knew that my brother was sick with hepatitis C, but nothing will stop them from getting their next fix.
Still the old man had compassion and would follow slowly in his truck in case my brother fell in the street so he could call 911 for my brother.
I met this old man when our family went to say our goodbyes to my brother in the end of life hospice facility. Of course I thanked him for him compassion. He was a kind soul and the only friend that my brother had left.
Addicts are people. They are moms, dads, grandparents, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, neighbors and friends. They didn’t start out in life this way. They have many various stories.
I hate drugs or excess drinking because my family felt the devastating effects from living with my brother but I don’t hate the addict.
I hate what happens to them. I hated the pain and confusion that I experienced but I didn’t hate him and feel that he was the scum of the earth.
It’s a disease just like any other diseases that people struggle with.
Agree with me. Disagree with me. You’re entitled to your opinion. But this topic brings back vivid memories and I hope no one minds me sharing how I feel.
Before you can really support your mother in healthy ways, you need to get support/help yourself.
Of course she's risking her life. This is what active alcoholics do. She is 88. Is this a surprise to you 'now' vs perhaps over decades? You ignoring obvious signs sounds like you are in denial and is a very huge red flag. Get help.
My uncle was an alcoholic and my dad moved him into a home on our land and he did just fine without alcohol.
Another family was an alcoholic and drug user and is doing fine without alcohol and drugs.
I don't see the reasoning behind it is ok to give them alcohol.
Just b/c you supposedly have a family member who was an alcoholic and drug user and is 'doing fine' without drugs & alcohol does NOT make it safe or wise to take someone off of drugs and alcohol cold turkey. You don't need to 'see the reasoning' behind a decision to give an elder what they want in order to make that decision valid. We give our opinions or advice to an OP once or maybe twice, and then that's IT. They then do as THEY see fit, regardless of what WE think is 'right' or 'wrong'!
I loved your response to my post.
You have compassion. In short, you have a kind and caring heart.
I agree. She can’t be forced into anything. I feel that she should be allowed to die in peace with dignity. That’s all I wanted for my brother in the end.
Thanks for understanding my sentiments. I saw this most of my life with him. Sounds like you have a great deal of experience. You’re wise and sensible.
Some situations cannot be fixed.
Not every elderly parent has that problem .I can relate to it because I have a controlling daughter. I don't have a problem with booze but I have epilepsy and she wants to control me. I don't let her, we were on the outs because we didn't agree on who to vote for.Here is a poem by a man who was 100 in March. He wrote in 2007. My best friend is 102 and she sent it to me,
PITY THE NATION, WHOSE PEOPLE ARE SHEEP,
AND WHOSE SHEPHERDS MISLEAD THEM,
PITY THE NATION WHOSE LEADERS ARE LIARS,
WHOSE SAGES ARE SILENCED .
AND WHOSE BIGOTS HAUNT THE
AIRWAVES.
PITY THE NATION THAT RAISES
NOT ITS VOICE,
EXCEPT TO PRAISE CONQUERORS
AND ACCLAIM THE BULLY AS
A HERO
AND AIMS TO RULE THE WORLD
WITH FORCE AND BY TORTURE.
PITY THE NATION THAT KNOWS
NO OTHER LANGUAGE BUT ITS OWN
PITY THE NATION WHOSE BREATH IS MONEY
AND SLEEPS THE SLEEP OF THE
TOO WELL FED.
PITY THE NATION-OH PITY
THE PEOPLE WHO WHO ALLOW THEIR RIGHTS TO ERODE
AND THEIR FREEDOMS TO BE WASHED AWAY.
MY COUNTRY, TEARS OF THEE,
SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY. "
'
I can't think how you could get her to stop drinking. It is harder than most people think and can take a long time. It is a fight they must fight everyday the rest of their lives. No one can make anyone stop drinking. Many people in very bad shape die every year drinking. Very sad. You mom doesn't have much life left at this point. I know this is a heart break for you. I have visted assisted living places and they did allow residents to drink alchol and to have it in their room. If you don't want to try marijuana for your mom, I would be on the side of you getting her what she wants. I have always been a teatotaler. People laugh at me because I never drink alchol. I am glad I never started because I would not have wanted to become addicted. I have seen so much of that in others. I do not judge. Nobody wants to become addicted but it happens. May you find peace in whatever decision you make.
If YOU want to buy (help get) alcohol, drugs, cigarettes (or whatever) for someone, "That is YOUR business." (I hope you ask for forgiveness)
I for one, REFUSE to help in any way to contribute anything to anyone that will "HARM" them.
I'm not Judging any one. I am just being "honest." Do you not understand what this poison mess does to people?
Then you think I am a "bad person" because I choose not to be a part taker in doing something to hurt another person? SMH
"YET YOU WISH BAD ON ME? " You hope when I get old, I am stripped of things I desire?
What in the world?
I can see both sides of the issue, and each side raises valid points. Both sides point out the good and bad points of your 2 choices. And I feel very deeply for you, because there really is no good option.
I've said before: if your choices were always good v. bad, life would be simple. But, unfortunately, sometimes your choices are bad, worse and worst. And that sucks, because we are left dealing with the fallout.
So my advice is this: make the choice that you can most easily live with the inevitable consequences - because ANY choice we ever make has consequences. And you, my friend, do not need to justify your decision to anyone.
I suspect you've already, privately, made up your mind on what to do, and you're maybe looking for validation. And that's ok. You obviously love mom and want what's best, within the scope of what she's willing to do. Whichever decision you make will not make you a bad person, or a bad daughter. Be at peace with what you decide to do.
God luck.
He has emphysema, high blood pressure and now beginning of Dementia.
Most of all of that is from Drinking and smoking:((
My hubby is 77. Im a lot younger. I was caregiver for my mother , she lived to be 100:)) no drinking, except a glass of wine with dinner or lunch and NO smoking:)
I limit my husbands drinking now, (dementia is sort of helping me) Anyway, he likes bourbon, I buy it and bring it home delute it almost 1/2 with water and I found a bourbon extract to make up for the color and taste:))))))) I give him a flask a day THATs it when its gone no more! I dont let him have it until 1pm.
He also like occasional oj and vodka, thats easy to dilute:)) as it is clear. Ive been doing this for quite a while now. Hes happy becuase he gets his bourbon and Im happy that he is not falling down drunk:((( Your mom is not going to quit at that age so maybe you do like I did and let her enjoy the rest of her life?! Maybe get her to write down her cigarettes when she has them and maybe she will cut that down as well. Good luck God Bless.
Result - a happy home!
this went on until I married and moved away and couldn’t run to his house. The last time he had a binge a neighbor found him on the floor of the bathroom was there probably 3 days he couldn’t get up,
landed in the hospital found out he was also diabetic. It took that to make him stop permanently.
your Mother must have a episode that scares the sh*t out of her. And you getting the booze for her is not helping.
Remove yourself from the problem! If she wants take booze she can get it herself! Till something scares the sh*t out if her.
And her falling has almost come to an end.
Then, there was the cigarettes. I was leaving a carton at a time. I wasn't worried about her health as much as her safety from causing a fire and anyone who lives near her. So I started only giving her a pack and only when she asked for it. She eventually forgot that also although she periodically thinks she wants one, but it does fade when she doesn't get it.
Good luck. There is no good answer.
IF the LO lives with you, this is a good way to deal with it. My grandmother, once she was living with us and my aunts (taking turns every so many months caring for her), she had no way to get out to get any - we were nowhere near any stores and no real taxi service (she had resorted to paying a taxi to pick some up for her when she was still on her own.) Once in a while, they might give her a glass of wine. Otherwise, nothing. She would drink the whole bottle if you gave it to her!
Why don't you call her Insurance Co and see if she can go to rehab and get dried out.
It is better to buy it and have her safe than to not buy it and have her falling - you never know if a car will hit her!
Yes, she's an alcoholic. At this point, she needs the alcohol to live.
I want to add that this was sometime ago and things may have changed since then as far as how Social Services views this situation.
This is so sad. I am sorry.
being an alcoholic is partly due to habit, partly due to the chemical addiction. Watering down can reduce the chemical side, while maintaining the habit.
once the chemical addiction is reduced, you *might* be able to work on the habitual side. No guarantees.
Also, the doctors opinion about competency might be wrong, especially if he or she hasn’t spent much time with the patient. Many people w dementia have spells of better or worse functioning.