My mother lived with my husband and kids when she was in her 60s because she couldn’t afford her townhouse anymore, had nowhere else to live, and was struggling financially. It was stressful for me because while I love her, we never had the best relationship. She was still working then. I felt backed into a corner because no one had any answers and since she’s my mom, we allowed her to move in. It was rough. Finally, she was able to get into an apartment of her own and I was thrilled. She lived there for a few years independently. Fast forward, at 72, she got laid off from her job and again could no longer afford her apartment. My husband and family bought a new house last year and it’s larger than our previous home. Again, I begged my brother (he lives in a small twin with his family) and others to help come up with another solution but no one had answers. I know how even her presence stresses me out sometimes and knew it would stress me out, BUT she moved in with us again since I didn’t know where she’d live. We agreed to a trial, where if it wasn’t working, she’d have to find other arrangements. She agreed to that. I am now struggling majorly with this. Mentally, it’s causing me a lot of stress and anxiety to where it’s affecting me daily. She contributes financially ($700/month) which is generous but I don’t even care about the money. My mental health is the priority to me now and mom needs to go. I don’t have privacy or space in my own home. She’s on a waiting list that’s a couple years long for low income apartments. I cannot wait another two years for her to find a place. She’s living on social security. She’s still independent but refuses to get a part time job or even a hobby outside the home. She’s retired and does absolutely nothing but sit around on her computer all day. My schedule is that I work from home and it’s driving me nuts. I explained to her how important it is to me that she finds something consistent outside the home to allow me space while working. She couldn’t care less. Nothing changed. We gave her a few months to find something but she says she can’t find anything. (I looked too but she can’t afford anything.) I need advice on how to get her to move out and finally take responsibility for her life. She manipulated us with this “trial” talk just so she could get her foot in the door. She could care less about my well-being. She could move in with my aunt (her sister) but my uncle has issues so it’s not the best option. I am thinking of now having my husband and I sit with her to explain the urgency of the situation because she totally discounts anything I say. Please help. I’m desperate. I understand she’s my mom and I’ve been there as much as I possibly could but now I need to be there for my husband and kids without the constant stress. (I don’t want to hear responses saying she’s my mom and I need to be there. I’ll be ignoring those. I’m past that at this point. I tried and it’s time for other solutions.) It’s as if she is refusing to leave and wants to live her life with me forever. What are my options to get her out? Sounds harsh but this is where I’m at after dealing with this for the past 10 years.
How about you find her an apartment or house where she's a roommate? I see those ads on Facebook quite often, and other sites where people are looking for a roommate to share expenses in a house. She obviously cannot afford her OWN place, and I would advise you against finding her such a place based on past history. She needs to pay affordable rent for LIFE now, based on her SS income alone, so she's not back on your doorstep again crying poverty.
Here's a link to a site that shows you the 9 Best Roommate Finders on the Web:
https://smartasset.com/mortgage/top-9-best-roommate-finders
You and your husband can go with her to scope the places out to get a feel for them first.
GOOD LUCK!
Seriously though.. if the main problem is your daytime work, what space to you have available? A designated office area? With a door? Set work hours?
What level of care does Mom need in your working hours?
Can she make her own lunch etc?
".. does absolutely nothing but sit around on her computer all day".
I can't follow why this has you so upset to be honest. Sounds like she is keeping out of the way, no?
Or is she constantly interruptioning you? Or reading aloud? Wanting your company?
Many years ago, I found placing my very young children in daycare a day a week very benficial. I had uninterrupted time for chores & later on, more days for work. They had stimulation. Win/win.
Think about your space. How to create more between you.. Can you remove yourself (into a designated office?) Or interest Mom in adult daycare or outside the home activities?
Your uncle has ‘issues’, and SO DO YOU. It’s up to you to push the point – she's 72 and in reasonable health, but doesn’t want to get a job or hobby. You don’t want to share your house. Your house, your call. Get her to her sister's place 'for a trial', and don't take her back. Suggest that she starts researching other options in case it doesn't work out.
I live with my daughter and her family, but I have a small studio apartment over their garage. None of us would survive living in the same building with each other! I often take care of the grand kids (the original reason I came here), the animals when they go on vacation, meet contractors, etc. Would it be possible to isolate your mother's living area, and make a small apartment?
Either way, it's going to fall on you. Your mom doesn't know how to help herself.
I could no longer live with my mother than fly to the moon. Too much back history and a lot of it is not good and no 'closure' will ever happen, so it's all on me to sort through, compartmentalize and forgive. I doubt I will live long enough to truly forgive her--but I do work on it.
It's not worth YOUR mental health to be caring for someone who, for all intents and purposes, could be working PT and living independently. I know there are simply not enough low income housing units. But, there are rooms to rent, houses to share with other elders--it doesn't have to be low income housing or NOTHING. Lots of options.
Has she applied for the low income housing? I have a friend who NEEDS to split from her husband. Over 2 years ago she was complaining that the waiting list was 18-24 months long. Instead of applying and waiting it out, she did nothing. She was b$tching about how much she hates him, blah, blah and how she needs to get away--and I told her (not very nicely, I'm not proud to say) "I've known you over 2 years and your story never changes. If you had applied for housing when we first talked about it--you'd have a place by now." She was silent and chastened and I felt bad--but it drives me NUTS when people just sit and complain and complain about something they have the POWER to fix. My friend will NEVER move and will NEVER divorce her husband. In 10 years her story will not change.
Don't let that happen to you, OK?
Shes in her 70’s, definitely she could have something medically or psychologically going on, something I didn’t see mentioned is has she been to a doctor recently for a full evaluation?
I do think it’s completely reasonable to request that as part of her living there she be out for part of the day when your working at home, to give you space you emotionally need, whether it’s attending a drop in program for seniors, visiting a library, etc.
No one had any answers, and you stepped in the first time. Everyone assumed YOU would be the answer the second time, and so you were.
I wouldn't have begged my brother; I would have simply told him it was his turn and refused to take Mama in again. There will never BE another answer or solution as long as you are the default.
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