To help my mother,but three days in and her blood pressure is now 171 over 90. For the last year or two my father has asked me to consider moving back in to help take care of my 90 year old mother. After much consideration I did. Now three days in and we took her to the doctor and her blood pressure has risen to 171 over 90. I feel like maybe I upset her routine,because she is so used to just having my dad around. I don't want to cause her any undo stress,but my dad is in need of my help. I feel torn.
I'd like to add Social Security earnings to the list of affected future earnings for those who quite "work." Until caregiving is considered a real job, we who quit outside work to provide elder care (I did for a number of years) lose a lot in our future Social Security.
So many things to consider. There is no right and wrong. We care. We love. We do what we can under our individual circumstances. Good luck with the changes in your lives - all of your wonderful community members. Keep supporting each other.
Carol
I think it was fantastic that your Dad realized that he needs help, not many men would own up to that. As for living with your parents, you will eventually start to see the adult/child dynamics come out and your parent will start thinking of your as their child instead of being a successful adult.
Could your parents afford a Caregiver, maybe part time, to help out? You should be their *daughter*, not their *Caregiver* and use that time to enjoy their company.
As for the blood pressure, it's not unusual for someone your Mom's age to have what we would think is too high of a blood pressure. My Mom is 97 and her's will read 160's, and she is on blood pressure meds.
After reading more of the forums you will be surprised how many writers here did just that, they gave up their employment to care for their parents/spouse. It isn't that uncommon. Many think it will be only a year or two then they will go back to work. Well, 1 year turns into 2, then into 5, then into 10... some have been carrying for a parent since they graduated from high school 20 years ago.
My Dad had asked me to retire from my career since I was in my 60's and my Dad had stopped driving. He and Mom still live on their own. I looked at Dad and point blank asked him if he retired to take care of his parents.... I knew his answer would be "no". He never asked me again. I was waiting for him to pull the gender card but thankfully he didn't.
My career is my sanity, it gives me reason to get up in the morning and look presentable :)
First, I understand your situation completely.
Second, contact your dad's doctor, the Area Agency on Aging, the Adult Protective Services, and an elder lawyer. It is not necessarily true that you cannot force an 82 year old to accept help. Remember that this can all go wrong with one call to/from the police for whatever reason (there are dozens with dementia). It is going to be in your favor to have had contact with the organizations that can help your dad. They will know you and know that you have always been trying to do what was right.
I went to our local police station a year ago to tell them that my mother, who had dementia, would probably call them to report that I had stolen her car. I gave them my name, address, cell number, etc. Sure enough. My mom called several weeks later. The policeman who went to her house, looked in the little computer thing they have, saw the note, and all was well. But imagine what would have happened if I had not warned them!
In the end, I placed my mom into AL against her will with the support of all concerned. I would never have believed it possible. But it was possible. About five days later she signed the papers herself. That was in May of 2014. My mother remembers nothing about it. Nothing. I have since moved her to a new place. She remembers nothing about that either but she is very happy. Safe, has all her meds, warm and cozy, entertained most of the time, great food.
So, pick up the phone and make those contacts. You will never regret it.
It's irrelevant what country Salisbury references to make her point...she has still made a key point. The changing situation with elder care in industrialized nations is not limited to the U.S. I've experienced a version of dhillbe's scenario. My mom's parents were from Europe and for the first two generations in the US, the old ways prevailed. The families all lived in two family homes, neighborhoods full of people from the old country, family sent food upstairs, kids to see grandparents downstairs. And while everyone's young, able and the parents are able to be independent, with a little assist like running errands, everyone thinks it's working. But families evolved and you have to go to the next stage - what does the family do when the parent needs 24/7 care? Back in the day, my grandparents and aunts and uncles passed from a health crisis, like a stroke, usually before age 80. Only one aunt needed 24/7 care, dementia, and she was kept at home to be care for by one person. Everyone in the family said how wonderful it was that she was home, her caregiver relative passed away four months after my aunt did. Which leads us to key point # 2 - the females in families are now working, some are single moms, some are divorced, some are widowed. Point # 3 is that we have parents living to 90's, with " kids" in their 60's and 70's doing the hands on.
We can debate whether cultural and societal changes have been positive, especially with regard to our ability to care for our families. But even in my family, the third and fourth generation are now having to accept that their parents need far more care than they can personally provide.
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