Long story short - my 83 year old mother was living at home but memory was getting continually worse, refused to even consider AL of any sort, broke her arm in fall and when discharged from Rehab hospital to AL. GP and AL does agree that she has dementia probably in the 4-5 range where she forgets having breakfast sometimes, doesn't remember her home address where she has lived for 40 years. No one has told her that she has dementia because she would deny it and even when we mention how bad her memory is, she believes it is typical and she can still live on her own at home which she can't.
So right now, she continually asks why she can't go home, she needs to know what's going on ( even though we have told her she can't go home per Doctor's orders). We tried to get companion care in AL but when the director came for the assessment, he said he didn't think it would be helpful because she just spins on going home. My sister who is medical POA is refusing to help her get some med's that may help unless we can do a GeneIQ test. We asked my mother's GP, they said they don't do that test but referred us to a psychiatrist who doesn't have any availability for 2 months. I have also seen medical reports questioning the useful of these gene tests for anti-depresssants so it feels like a false constraint. And when I push back on Medical POA, she gets defensive then blocks me on her phone.
I am just not sure of what to do next. Any advice would be helpful.
Mom's 83 and near the end of life. She has dementia, and GP and AL have even assessed it into the 4-5 range. What on earth does sis think could be helped by getting a test? Her dementia can't be cured, only the symptoms.
Mom's still in the 4-5 dementia range and she'll never recede to a lesser stage. She's still old. Doctors know what to prescribe without knowing the geography of mom's genes, and they've been doing it for years. Let them.
More tests are moot at this point.
Sometimes the lies keep a person calm , letting them think they will go home. Sometimes the truth gets them more upset , which is why people lie.
However , if they are that fixated on going home to the point where they are agitated waiting to go home …….
Then you have to switch to not giving them hope of going home . We were in a similar situation with two different people and after seeing that the lies were not working , we told our LOs that
“ you have to stay here where the nurses are .” Or “ the doctor said you are too frail and need to be where there are nurse’s in case of an emergency “. “ the doctor says you can’t go home , this is where you need to be , where you have nurses. “. Or simply “ this is where you need to stay “. Whatever worked .
It’s trial and error .
And like the others said , let the calls go to voicemail , and don’t visit so she adjusts. Perhaps call her once a week for now .
I am so sorry that she hasn’t settled in yet.
Have you spoken with the facility staff to see if they have any other recommendations for you?
I had to use therapeutic fibs with my own Mom [98 yrs old] who had late stage dementia. When she was moved to a Nursing Home, she thought she was in a hotel in the State where she was born. She asked to visit her parents, I quickly had to think of something Mom would believe. I said "they are visiting the old country" and Mom smiled saying "that is nice". Had to be quick on the draw whenever Mom asked to visit her sisters [all of whom had passed]. Making excuses Mom would accept.
I stayed with her a week in the Rehab hospital and she was in pain so it wasn't that bad but now that the arm is healing well, she doesn't even have the cue that she needs 24 hour support.
If you are over visiting you are not helping her to accept her new surroundings.
Not sure what the testing is needed for, she has dementia, not much else that needs to be discovered in that area.
Back off, stop answering the calls, delete the messages, you are engaging her, she is where she needs to be, 3 weeks is not enough time for her to get adjusted, especially if you two are hovering over her.
If they did, then do this. If they did not tell you to, you and your sister need to do it anyway. Starting today neither of you visits for at least two weeks and you only talk to her twice a week. So for the next two weeks, she gets four phone calls a week and that's it.
Three weeks is not a long time for a person with dementia to adjust to AL.
I was a supervisor at a very nice AL and I'm going to tell you some truths.
1) Your mother needs to be taking something for anxiety and anxiousness. A drug like Ativan as needed will help her greatly. Your sister needs to get over herself and not fight you on this.
2) Your mother may acclimate very well to the AL life and even start enjoying herself. But she may never let up on the begging and demanding to go home when you and your sister are around. You must be prepared to accept this because it happens quite often.
I have seen residents be the life of the party at the AL. Very active social lives, friendly, and really enjoying life. The second their family shows up or calls, everyone's favorite social butterfly is replaced with a blackhole of negativity, guilt-tripping, and begging to go home.
Please take my advice and give your mother time to acclimate. No visiting for at least two weeks and only two phone calls a week for a while. If she starts up about the going home on the phone, you end the call and don't call back for a few days. You and your sister both need to do this.
but now I am stuck. I wish I had taken this advice at the start
Your sister is being an idiot. Your mom needs more meds and she should get off her high horse and follow more the "normal" methods of dealing with dementia, not demanding some test that even the doc didn't want to order. Come on! Eye roll.
Sorry you are dealing with so much crap. Hopefully things settle down sooner rather than later, but they WILL settle down eventually.
The vast majority of participants on this forum have successfully founds meds and dosages for their LO's sundowning and anxiety without a gene test. Many will post there experiences here, so maybe send her a link to this thread so she can see the hoop she's created is delaying a solution for your Mom.
A few weeks ago my Mom's Primary doc started her on the lowest dose of Lexapro and it helped her immensely, with no side effects. No gene test.
The only other solution is to challenge her PoA in court and pursue guardianship.
I may need to get my own appt for myself after all this. :)