My mother came to live with us a few months after my father's death. She does have some dementia, but has always had a lot of paranoia, negativity and "extreme know it allism".
The real issue right now is her negativity. No matter the topic of conversation or the event she finds something negative to the point of bazaar. Her negativity seems to be automatic, and it is there for every subject discussed, every decision made, every purchase no matter how small there is something wrong with the item or brand, every meal, every person she meets or knows is sharply criticized ,no matter how minor or major, she seems to get some sort of sick and perverse pleasure out of ruining every possible opportunity for even the tiniest ray of sunshine.
She is driving our children and grandchildren away with her venom, spoiling every visit. I could give pages of examples in just a 24 hour period. She disagrees with every sentence out of anyone's mouth. She manages to contort everything in a way to find something negative or bad that might come from even the simplest thing.
I thought maybe I was overreacting, so I paid close attention all day today. There was not one single event or topic from 8 AM -9 PM when she went to bed that she did not figuratively dowse with ice water. I know it is not all the dementia she has a look of complete evil satisfaction every time she manages to spoil a happy moment.
It is impossible to ignore. We have all tried to look for ways to give her praise for positive behavior and make her feel needed, loved, and appreciated, she doesn't seem to enjoy positive attention half as much as ruining everyone's good mood. She is sucking the life out of everyone around her. We do know that in most situations she can still associate consequences with behavior. What reward is she finding in doing this to us? How do we discourage this? Any suggestions are appreciated.
P.S. If this is caused by depression we are in a bad position as she will under know circumstances take anti-depressant or anti-anxiety meds.
Because this really does not sound like a healthy situation. You deserve to have your children and grandchildren visit. You deserve to have sunshine in your life. We all have to put up with the dark clouds life hands us once in while, but to have someone deliberately creating them all day long, day after day, is just not fair!
You seriously have to do SOMETHING to protect yourselves, and it sounds like you have made many constructive efforts.
I believe you that she is impossible to ignore. What if you laughed at her? Made fun of her negative comments? "oooo ... the sky is falling, the sky is falling, the candy bag is smaller than it used to be ... oooo" "Yes, mother, the sky is falling, but I'm sure enjoying it until its over." Try to be funny and kidding about it -- don't sound angry because that may be what she wants -- but let her know you notice her negativity and are not taking it seriously.
If she didn't have a daughter willing to take her in, where would she be right now? What are the feasible alternatives for her? Assisted Living? A dementia care facility? I think you need to explore what the options are. It would be a lot easier and healthier to take her negativity in small doses while visiting her.
If it came down to "let up on the negativity or move out" do you think she could/would make an effort to at least keep most of her negative thoughts to herself? Does she want to live with you, or is she trying to get kicked out?
I don't know what to do with Negative Nancy. Sometimes it works to say something like, "You must have chewed nails for breakfast this morning" or "That was mean." If a meal is criticized, everyone else should say how much they liked it. You may not be able to pull Negative Nancy up, but others will lessen the impact of the negativity.
I really do dislike the mean remarks that are made about other people. I always defend the people if they didn't deserve what was said. Hearing someone talk mean about people can lessen the value of the people to those who are hearing. I do think it needs to be corrected by something simple like, "I really like them." It neutralizes the poison.
As long as your mother lives with you, you will have to put up with it. I think this behavior is sometimes a lifelong mindset and not automatically attributed to depression or dementia. My dad had Alz and wasnt a Negative Ned. Ask her doctor if there is something you can do before she drives you crazy and alienates the whole family.
She was pleading to come live with us she hates to be alone. Her other reasoning, I am her only child and she would rather help with our household expenses than give it to assisted living, and she wants her savings to be inherited by me. I work from home and the time and energy it takes to have her here decrease my work time and eliminate any financial benefits. We are far from wealthy and like most a small inheritance would be nice, but I would rather have quality of life than her money. She kept pleading until we finally gave in.
She is in her early 80s and her monthly income if supplemented a little by her savings would be enough for assisted living for approx. ten years before her savings would run out.
She is too far gone to live by herself, but far too sharp most of the time to be declared incompetent. I do have DPOA but she would revoke that in a heart beat if I tried to force her into anything against her will.
If we refuse to live with her any longer she would most likely wind up living alone again which is unsafe for both her and those living near her. As it is now we have managed to cut back so that she rarely ever drives. If she moved out she would be right back on the road and the laws in our state give us few options to stop her.
Any additional suggestions are both needed and appreciated.
Do what is best for you and your family. It isn't working. A couple of different people here confronted the difficult person in their lives, put pressure on them regarding their negative behaviour, and they moved out. You could make pamphlets of assisted living facilities available to her. She may be bluffing/manipulating saying she would not go into one to force you to take her in, Let her know clearly and firmly that she cannot continue to stay with you, and show her some options.
Good luck and keep us updated Joan
The Dr. she has seen for the past 20 or so years is a Geriatric Specialist. She still puts on a really good act for him, and he doesn't seem to take my concerns seriously. I have sent him emails and talked with his nurse regarding her behavior to give him a head's up before the visit, but I'm not convinced he realizes or even cares about how mean spirited she can be.
Her next yearly physical is in April. I am going to attempt to get him to have a private consultation with me during the weeks prior to her appointment. I wish he would be the bad guy instead of forcing me to break the news.
Thanks again. Donna
And I do feel sorry for you having to live with this. I can't visit my mother due to the negativity. No matter what I say, she is just waiting to shoot me down. Loves it.
At this moment mom is mad because I have not been to visit her in a long time. I have asked her to come spend the winters with me in Florida. No, she gives every excuse known to man. However, she wants me to get on a plane (400.00 for a ticket) and rent a car (she won't let me use her car) and stay two, maybe three days.
About 6 months ago I called her up and told her that since my husband was busy working overtime on a project at work, I would fly up and stay a few weeks, maybe a month. I told my husband, "now let's see how long it takes for it to get back to me that she doesn't want me". It took two days, two days. She changed the story to I was coming for two months and what would she do with me???
What she wants is the negative story that no one loves HER, wants to visit HER, and she wants to call attention to herself. This past weekend she told me how lonely she is and how everyone has forgotten about her (not true). I said well mom, you have a few options. Live with me part of the year, go to assisted living and have a few friends, or go to church and make friends. She said, "I don't care anything about making friends with a bunch of old women".
Yikes, see what I mean. I feel for you, you need to get away from your mom. These types will suck you dry and they don't care.
Donna, one statement you made, "It is impossible to ignore". Exactly. That is her intent. I really like Lillymae's comments. Maybe an ALF in your mom's future?
His idea of not being content rang true. It made me think that some people have a deep-seated lack of contentment -- nothing is ever right for them. If others are in the same boat as me, I spend way too much of my time trying to make her content with different things. But she is never content, though she will tell you she has always had a happy life. Sometimes she will say something is fine with her, then two days later she will say she wants to change it because it is not fine at all. She feels the same way about people. They are never good enough and don't do anything right. The idea about discontent makes everything make sense.
It is extremey difficult to live with this type of person and not be affected to some degree. To keep my sanity, I limit the time I spend around her. She is lonely and frustrated and I feel bad for her. But she has allowed all former friendships to die and refuses to cultivate any new ones. I can't fix her life-long negative attitude. I set parameters and I stick to them. I leave the house periodically to have a couple of hours to myself (so refreshing). When I am at home, I spend spare moments reading, as a mini-escape. I focus on cleaning, cooking and organizing. If I put all of my focus on her, her negativity will eat away at me like acid. So this is what I do to stay as positive as I can in currently unchangeable circumstances.
I can relate to the negativity and it is so stressful to deal with on a daily basis. My mother never lived with me; so my heart goes out to you and your family. After a proper diagnosis; the medication helped my mother tremendously - even with the negativity. She was in and out of the hospital frequently and the doctors often would take her off certain meds. - and when she returned to the NH - it was back to square one. They should never take patients off meds. when they don't know the patient. Anyway - she was back on her meds at the NH and it proved how much she required this medication to get her back to a more "normal" state.
I found you cannot possibly make a negative person happy - no matter where they are living. But, proper medication can help. It can give the person a better quality of life and the family as well. Hugs to you and hope her doctor will cooperate and listen to you. You are a wonderful daughter - take care.
My daughter and I each sent my mother a nice box of chocolates for valentine's day. Expensive ones I would never eat myself. She told me how much she liked them and how she sat down with her chocolate and listened to her new CD player with her new Andy Williams CD (all were bought by my brother and I) and she said, "I was happy, at least for a little while." As we say in the Catholic faith, "Offer it Up".
I agree that a lot of this is for the attention. I can't understand why anyone would prefer negative attention over positive, but she looks far more satisfied when she has ruined a happy moment, than when we are praising her for a positive action.
In my entire adult life I have shown nothing but respect for my parents. To me It just does not feel right to argue with a parent once you are an adult. It breaks my heart to be forced into this role. The guilt is horrible when I have to be firm, or show impatience, though I know that for her own good we can't go along with some of her capers.
I am learning that making a firm statement such as "I don't agree" and walking away, or even saying nothing just leaving the room works far better than allowing her the satisfaction of watching me have a melt down.
Thanks again to all who have offered suggestions and allowed me to vent.
When Mother begins to speak negative we end her statement with "And thats the way I want it." It is a great tool to make her think of how her negativity is affecting herself and others around her. The second think my husband and I remind each other is that while she is 84 she is now reverting back to a child mentality (sometimes selfish, demanding and I'll do it myself syndrome)...this works for me since I know I am now the parent....Hope this helps
...TOLERATED BY SOCIETY
...ACCEPTED BY SOCIETY
...CONDONED BY SOCIETY
THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE IN WHICH THE VICTIM IS...
...OPENLY DISCOURAGED FROM STANDING UP FOR HERSELF, TALKING ABOUT IT, OR REVEALING THE ABUSE TO OTHERS
...EXPECTED TO CONTINUE SUFFERING INDEFINITELY
...CRITICIZED FOR TRYING TO PROTECT HERSELF
...JUDGED FOR ESCAPING FROM HER ABUSER
THE ONLY FORM OF ABUSE IN WHICH IT IS CONSIDERED OKAY FOR A COMPETENT ADULT TO....
...BE CONTROLLED BY SOMEONE ELSE
...HAVE NO INDEPENDENCE OR RIGHT TO RUN HER OWN LIFE OR MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS
...BE HELD HOSTAGE TO THE WHIMS OR DESIRES OF ANOTHER
...HAVE NO FREEDOM OF CHOICE
CHILD ABUSE THAT DID NOT END WHEN ADULTHOOD BEGAN. THE CONTINUING VICTIMIZATION OF GROWN CHILDREN BY THEIR ABUSIVE OR CONTROLLING PARENTS, SIBLINGS, OR FAMILY MEMBERS .
SILENCE CONDONES ABUSE! THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE !
Just kill me now.
One evening last week my husband and I were sitting outside enjoying a beautiful day, looking at the flowers, birds and beauty of spring. Out comes the black cloud. nitpicking anything she could find, an uneven spot in the yard where a shrub used to be, a few weeds along the fence, a spot or two of peeling paint on the foundation anything to spoil the mood. I said Mom look around and find something pretty to enjoy. The azaleas are in full bloom, the weather is perfect, it's fun to watch the baby squirrels, she immediately finds something ugly to point out for every positive thing I say.
Yesterday my husband and I went out and planted a few flowers and a gorgeous hydrangea. Mom pokes her head out the door just long enough to express her opinion that hydrangea doesn't look good in the place we chose.
I know this sounds petty but she is relentless, just totally refuses to allow a single second of happiness to go uninterrupted by her poison. Our children don't want to bring their kids around, and I don't blame them. She is toxic!
I try so hard to find her positive traits, but it is getting harder and harder as the negativity gets worse. When I lose patience and snap at her for being so negative she turns on the tears. There's no doubt she has dementia, but no problem remembering all of the bad stuff!