At risk of sounding selfish, am I wrong for having an issue with my mom's caregiver (who is employed through an agency) eating my mom's food?

First look at the contract that you or your mother signed with the agency - it should be specific as to what you & the caregiver must provide.

Is this a live-in caregiver? I had a live-in for my SO & used an agency.
In addition to a bed & storage for her belongings (she used a 2nd bedroom, so that was no problem), I was responsible for the following:

1. provide food for all meals, including food she specifically wanted for herself, except hard-to-come-by ethnic food or extravagant items (she had none). She was entitled to that & didn't have to offer it to him. I did most of the grocery shopping, but she'd occasionally get a few things on her own. I was expected to pay for that, but she used her own money. My SO liked McDonald's & so did she, so I'd get lunch to go for the 2 of them - I paid. She was responsible for preparing meals & sometimes made something for just herself. Still, we often all ate together, & she had no problem adding me to her meal duties.

2. provide her a way to wash her clothes, so of course she used my washing machine. She washed her clothes separately.

3. give her time off for meals & other breaks during the day. My SO's caregiver was on duty from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m.. It took a few days to get into a semblance of a schedule, but it was never like she was punching a clock.

Maybe I was lucky - she was caring, compassionate, helpful, & more - everything you'd want a caregiver to be. But she also liked me as a client.

I lived with my SO & realize your experience is different. The most important thing is to know the specifics of your contract, then you can decide if she's taking advantage of your mother.

That type of behavior is absolutely unprofessional and should be reported to the owner of the agency. A caregiver should never eat the food purchased FOR the person for whom the caregiver is providing care. It's that simple. The caregiver can use the refrigerator to store his or her own food. And that's that. Otherwise, you should be billing the caregiving agency for the food that the caregiver is eating. It's common sense. Most workplaces don't provide food for employees.
If the caregiver shops for food as part of his or her caregiving duties, the caregiver should not include any items for himself or herself. Ask for receipts, and check to ensure that all of the items are for the person being cared for.
If the caregiver wants to BRING items/ingredients to prepare a meal and share the meal with the person for whom he or she is providing the care, that's a different story.
It is because of stories like this that I hesitate to hire a caregiver for my early-Alzheimer's mother. But when that time comes, I will be installing cameras throughout the house. We definitely cannot afford to pay for a caregiver AND feed that caregiver all three meals, let alone one meal!

Some people do take care giving positions as alternate living situations--food, laundry, internet, mailing address shelter for family--even when they are not live-in caretakers. Since this is an Agency caregiver, be clear with the agency what level of care you are hiring and what "fringe benefits" are or are not available to the care giver. If the Agency cannot provide an acceptable cate giver, work with a different agency.

Your mother is not in a good position to negotiate these specifics b/c she does not want to jeopardize the care she is getting.

Take charge of this situation for your mother. It is a good way for you to help.

Our caregiver brings her own food.

Wow! Some people are bold. I think the caregiver is selfish rather

Yes get another worker. You are now feeding 2 people and paying one to eat her food!! Call the agency immediately. I never ate the elderly person's food. A worker brings their own bagged lunch. It is one thing if you say help yourself. They eat breakfast and dinner at home. Unless you start demanding 100 dollars a week in grocery money. I bet that will go over like a lead Ballon. If the agency tells you it's no big deal, find another. There are many who will want your business. In times of hi inflation there is no need to be feeding an extra mouth. If you go to any other job, they don't feed you.

We had two separate situations. My mother and my mother in law.
We were grateful and very happy to have Louise for my mother. We paid for any
meals Louise ate while on duty. Generally these were delivered to the condo. I know Louise did laundry but I don't know if she brought her own.
NOW as to my MIL; Worker was welcome to fix her meals with MIL - once a can of corn is open or mashed potatoes mixed it is no big deal for one meal; and do the laundry ( generally the women came in 6-8 hour shifts) Then one started
bringing her kids, ordered enhanced cable services, and started running her home sales business from the family home. That was too much and we replaced her as soon as possible. A clear understanding needs to be worked out before the employment starts if the contract for care does not address that issue.

I have learned over the years that many caretakers from different countries have different degrees of understanding the language of their patient. Yet new immigrants are quite often the very best caretakers. You just can't assume they understand discussion which are not very brief and obvious. I think they are hesitant to reveal this at times perhaps fearing they will be discharged. They may be embarassed many had very different jobs in their country. Many of us Americans, especially myself, are language ignorant. I would starve if forced to make a living with few skills in a non-English speaking country. Also, they may not understand the expectations of the job around food, laundry, sharing, etc. Agencies can be so shorthanded, or negligent, so they hope for the best and don't always make things clear or screen people carefully. In the past, I have allowed caretakers to do things to spare them doing them later at home. There could be much downtime in a day of patient care. I wouldn't have let someone I suspected of disease or parasites stay in the house, so laundry was ok. I would expect them to share food made for the patient as a given with small individual changes for their own tastes. I would not allow them to put personal items on our bill, but again, I would let them do their own shopping on a separate bill. They work long hours often, and it would be difficult to go to a laundromat and do the laundry or stop going home. They often have children waiting and use public transportation. When they prepared a special, large meal, I would allow them to prepare some to take home (obviously, a reasonable amount). The lady I am thinking of had two young children and an elderly mother at home. I guess this is a long way of saying if they are a good person, taking good care of your family, ask yourself about their situation, finances, family, and needs. Helping them can cement a relationship. If you question this in any way, including feeling they are taking unreasonable advantage, start looking around and prepare to replace them (with some severance) when possible. Make a list of what you expect from the next person. Good luck. It is very difficult to find good people, you have to actively look in lots of places and talk to lots of agencies. And be sure you like the agency people you speak to. There are some good ones out there, and some not. In my experience, the best recommendations come from the families of previous patients. Join a caretaker's group, talk to some pastors, call nursing homes and ask if they know anyone who does home care, or will tell you! Ask where you shop if you know and like the staff. The caretaker makes much less working for an agency than directly for a family. That is to your advantage, screening by a good agency is missing, a downside for you. Also, I belatedly found a highly rated job agency here which placed licensed caretakers. You paid the agency half the first month's salary, then the caretaker worked for themself after that. They also offered three referrals in case one didn't work out. I spoke to them, but did not need anyone finally. I found them on our neighborhood Ring account, referred by and seconded by several families in the area, and was very impressed when I spoke to them. I would suggest you join any neighborhood groups on Facebook or a Ring Neighbors account, and ask for referrals. In fact, my last terrific, but expensive, caretaker, was from an agency recommended by one of our doctors' nurse who had used them for her mother! Had to pay the agency price forever, and a contract not to hire her away! She was worth it if you can afford it. ASK EVERYONE, even if you have a good one, things change! All these suggestions are useless if you are really back to the wall with responsibilities and finances, be nice, and START LOOKING. Do ask yourself if you would like the job you are offering to people. What do other people offer?

Fire her. Contact the agency and fire her. What else is she taking advantage of? She’s clearly crossing over the line. Fire her.

My dad had caregivers 24/7 through an agency as well. One particular caregiver would sometimes stay with him 3 days in a row (24 hours a day). I know they don't even make half of what the agency charges and a good caregiver is very hard to come by. I would always make sure she had something at his place to eat and drink. She liked instant meals so I always had a variety in the freezer for her and my dad. He was in assisted living so his meals were provided be the facility. Sometimes he couldn't eat what they served him.

It's entirely up to you how you want to handle it but if she were to quit, who would you get in her place? My dad's caregiver went above and beyond and that should be appreciated and it was in my situation. The things they have to deal with can be unbelievable. I still keep in touch with a couple of my dad's caregivers and he passed away January this year.

The caregiver I hired was absolutely wonderful. She would bring her own food, and would only eat what I had on hand if I insisted. I regularly bought her Diet Pepsi and bagels--her two favorite things--and she often shared them with my mom. She would also pick up things for mom at the grocery store and refused to let me pay her for these items. When she asked if she could do a load of laundry, I was completely on board and told her to bring her laundry with her weekly. She did so much more than care for my mom--making beds, washing bedclothes, cleaning, doing dishes, starting dinner, feeding my pets...she would even sweep out the garage if she got bored. In my case, it was more than a fair trade. I never felt that she took advantage of the situation, and to this day we remain good friends. Mom fell and is now in a nursing home, and her caregiver continues to visit and sit with her there. Every situation is different, so I don't think there is any one "right" or "wrong" answer; it all boils down to what your needs are and what you're willing to tolerate/offer/accommodate. Good luck.

I was a professional nanny for 2 babies from 2 families working in one of their homes. I worked 56 hour weeks. I was not permitted to eat the family's food, nor to take care of my personal tasks at their home. That would be considered wage theft in this profession. I did many of the exact same care tasks, including grocery shopping, meal prep, meals, bathing, laundry for the kids, etc. If I took the girls to a store, it wasn't upsetting if I picked up some items for my own home as well. If my clothes got sweet potato all over them when caring for the little one, my shirt may go in the wash with theirs. They gave me a small space in their fridge to keep my coffee creamer, a small drawer for oatmeal, snacks, or a few items of that nature so I didn't have to bring them back and forth daily. These were curteous moments by my employer. They were fair, kind, and professional, and it was not appropriate to tax them by using their their resources.

For the record, childcare is incredibly hard to get in my area, especially after covid. Fringe benefits are great, but they Need to be discussed upfront, and often included in their contract. This gives both parties the foothold to have needed discussions if/when the time comes. I also added that we'd revisit my contact annually in order to have a scheduled talk/renegotiation about things exactly like this.

I don't think you're being unkind, or out of line, especially with food and water prices what they are.

How does the caregiver get along with your mom? Is she a good match? If she eats her meal with your mother three times a day, maybe your mother actually enjoys a dinner companion and it encourages her to eat as well. The personal laundry is a stretch as well as adding food items to the grocery list. Make a detailed list of what you expect & compare it to what is reasonable in the given time. Doing laundry and making meals PLUS companionship sounds like a good fit.

Encourage the caregiver to put food on the list that both she and your mom enjoy. Make it a point to say, “Hey Becky. I saw Costco was having a sale on Kirkland soft drinks and snacks. I figure I’d get you something to tide you over between meals. What would you like?”

The message should be that she is welcome to eat what mom eats while she’s at work. But as far as special requests, she gets to choose among a variety of complimentary beverages and small snacks.

No you’re not wrong. My agency has a policy, caregivers bring their own food. They are not to eat the family’s food unless the family insists on it. Call the agency and let them know, this is not acceptable behavior.

Write up an care / expectation plan for the worker, and tell her she's responsible for her own food....that is...if the amount of time doesn't determine if you have to feed her. tell her no washing of clothes, and nothing else like taking showers, unless she's spending over nights.

I had a caregiver call me at work saying there was an emergency and that I should come right away. She wouldn't tell me what the emergency was, so I drove the 40 miles back to mom's place only to find out the fat pig said we didn't have enough food in the fridge. She was fired on the spot.

So was the gal who made my aunt move into the guest room, then proceeded to ruin my aunt's bedroom furniture. Out you go! Don't try and explain.

So yes, address it with the caregiver in the form of a written list of dos and don'ts and send the agency the info. But do look up the law about if you have to provide them breaks, etc. based on the duration they stay. I would also ask the agency for a new caregiver. This is not one that's going to really be there for her when she needs it. She's someone who will continue to figure out how to take advantage.

You're not being selfish, it's common sense that this caretaker is overstepping. It would be another matter if she asked for permission to do her laundry, which personally I wouldn't mind. As for eating every meal and putting items on the grocery list that ONLY SHE EATS - that's just ridiculously presumptuous.
On the other hand, if this is a caretaker who does her job well, and your mother likes, then you can make some concessions, because good care is very hard to find and keep. That said, this is a discussion you should have with the caretaker, describing what irritates you the most. My mother loved company when she was eating. So for instance, "I love that you keep my mom company during her meals, and we don't mind sharing the food at all, but if there are extra items you want here, you should bring them from home".
The bottom line is think long and hard at what exactly is bothering you most. Is it the extra money you're spending or the fact that she is bold enough to do these things without asking? If you can convey your concerns without being confrontational, then I think you will feel much better, and she will not over-reach in the future.

I had the same issue and my caregiver is also through an agency. On her first day, she sat down and made herself a huge sandwich with lunchmeat I just bought to last the week! Ate it all and had the nerve to leave me a note telling me we needed more lunch meat. I was SO angry. She's only here from 8:30 until 12:30. I cannot afford more than that so I certainly cannot afford to feed her. She also made herself a bowl of cereal. I am a widow and it's very hard to have the extra expense of my mom here and we're on a fixed budget. I addressed this right away. The caregiving went up $4 an hour this year and that really has hit us hard. I am struggling as it is.

The agency told me we are NOT obligated to feed people so now she brings her food from home. My mother is also cognizant and told her we did not appreciate (or I did not appreciate) her eating our food.

I think you should definitely address her and the agency again about this. Explain that is NOT part of the contract and your mother is on a fixed income. She is also taking advantage of the situation with the laundry if she did not ask your permission first.

So many great answers on here! I am a CG & I do what the patient says. I had patient say eat whatever you want so as I made turkey sandwiches for her I would eat a slice or 2 of cold cuts. I had a patient that wanted me to eat dinner with her & her son in the evenings. I personally dont feel comfortable so I would decline. If your mom allows it then thats what she wants & she is ok w it. Adding items to the list? Thats a stretch but in order to defend the CG we make min wage so if she can afford it I would let her. In my experience out of every 25 house 1 patient mentioned take whatever you need out the fridge. Is your mom happy & well taken care of & rich then I would let it be. This is between the CG & patient & yes it is hard finding GOOD caregiver for minimum wage. Alot of the family members dont know or understand the exact details of what we do.....dealing w feces all day aint easy.

Thats all unacceptable! I'd be looking to have her replaced. If an agency is giving her a paycheck, you do not provide fringe benefits. If she had asked your permission and you came to an understanding and approval that's one thing. Helping herself is quite another and very unprofessional. I'd get a replacement. I would not want to confront her and give her another chance. Call the agency. I'd also have a nanny cam. Good luck.

I agree with Ireland. If this woman is staying from morning through dinner, you should be feeding her. Why does it matter that she orders food that your mother may not eat? It’s only a problem if it’s excessive and exploitive.

If your mother seems to be frightened of this woman, that’s an entirely different matter. If that’s the case, you should have replaced her as soon as you detected this. But you have cameras in the house watching her every move so if there are sharp words or verbal abuse, you should see some evidence of it on the camera footage even if there is no sound.

Why does doing her laundry bother you so much? Is it really that much extra expense for you or your mother for her to do an extra load of laundry or two while she is doing your mother’s laundry? And if you don’t want her to do these things, why don’t you tell her what you would prefer she do and not do instead of calling the agency she works for and complaining?

She’s with your mother practically every waking hour. This woman is simply trying to get her own normal activities of daily living done so she can ho home and relax and sleep before she shows up to feed your mother breakfast, lunch and dinner, change her sheets, entertain her etc. Try to start thinking of her as a member of the family and ask yourself if you would be so put out if it was a relative you were paying to take care of her. In these post pandemic economics, you are lucky if she is hanging in and perhaps taking a little advantage of the knowledge that she is pretty much indispensable as far as you are concerned.

Your caregiver is feeding at the trough. It is inappropriate and arrangements should be made to use another caregiver service

If she's really good with your mom, then I would speak to her. Explain that your mom can't afford the extra food. Maybe you can come to an understanding. I would be concerned that if she doesn't think that she is over-stepping her boundaries on those issues, what else is she doing?

Absolutely put a stop to this she is taking advantage she will be moving in next I would certainly not allow this

I definitely would not allow a caregiver wash their clothes and prepare her meals and not share it with your mother and her buying groceries for herself. This caregiver needs to be fired her character is at question. What else will she do!

Wow! That caregiver is bold!

Don’t engage her directly. Arrange to have a replacement in place first and then call the agency to inform them of problems and fire her. If you engage her now, she might be abusive to your mom.

Good Morning,

Let's face it finding reliable caregivers especially after a Pandemic is no easy feat.

I believe in hospitality. Other's wrote your mother would not have to eat alone.
It's so touching, even though my mother has dementia, she never picks up her fork until I join her at the dining room table. It's important to have company when one eats. Basically, this caregiver has to eat. If she's order fillet mignon and charging it to you that's a different story.

There may be more benefits than drawbacks. I make sure I sit with my mother at every meal. Now I realize that I am a family and your situation is employer/employee but at this stage of the game, I call it the last mile, food is one of their major enjoyments. I think I would like someone to join me rather than eat alone and serve me.

If you think that the caregiver would be mean to your mother than by all means you should NOT employ her. Everyone is scrambling for good help so to speak and you have decide if the benefits out way the problems.

The agency probably figures, you don't like it there's 100 other people that are looking for a caregiver.

Your home is not a laundromat. I would speak up about that. You need to have a "Come To Jesus" meeting with the caregiver and tell her the things that are going good but inform her that other "things" should they continue would be a deal breaker.

Let's face it caregiving work by agencies is backbreaking. They are underpaid, overworked and short staffed. The franchises make the $$$. Usually immigrant women or women of color do this work. The immigrant women also take care of their parents and do not put them in nursing homes. I respect them and also think they should unionize and be paid at the least nothing less than $35 per hours plus gas, continuing education, uniform allowance. Ireland and China are turning this into a highly regarded profession.

It's shouldn't be let the immigrants do it they'll lucky to have a job. This is the Lord's work. Look at what athletes get paid. Did you know it takes more hours to attend school for a certificate in dog grooming than it does to become a caregiver. It shows what we value in this great country. I love America but there are certain things we could improve.

After WWII the elderly became discarded and less valued. Gone are the days when people rose to their feet when an elderly person entered a room. The immigrants respect their elders but you/me also have the responsibility to protect them.

It's time for a meeting...Amen!

Yes. By all means! Address the issue with the caregiver. Here’s what to say. “YOU’RE FIRED! DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOUR LAZY ASS ON THE WAY OUT!”

If they are eating together and it's not expensive food, then I would think that's a good thing, as eating is supposed to be a social activity.
We had a live in caregiver who ONLY cooked foods she liked and wouldn't give my parents anything if they didn't want it - spicy foods from her culture. So I would make food for them and she would give them small portions and eat the rest herself. That was NOT ok.
You may need to look over the care plan/contract before making any decisions, as there may be an agreement in place for her to add food for herself. Maybe your mom told her she could?

I pay all of the caregivers in my home $15.00+ an hour. My dialysis tech makes more. They get PTO for vacations, holidays, etc. They get an hour for lunch and two 15 minute breaks. One of my stepsons owns a few restaurants and bars. He frequently brings me lunch and always brings enough for whoever is helping me. But I don't feel obligated to include my help in menu planning and grocery shopping and I don't add on to my grocery shopping for their foods. I have a hard time planning my meals because I'm a diabetic and have chronic kidney disease.