Mom is writing checks to sketchy organizations when she barely has enough money to live on. Any suggestions?

How frustrating! And no need to apologize ever for venting!

I'd think best thing to do is get POA. Other people on here have more advice on doing that.

Maybe change her address only to a PO box? Is there any way you can get the mail from your mailbox first, so you can toss whatever scam mail she gets?

Frustrating. With your mom's dementia, you are going to get her to be more responsible or not fall for frauds, scams, just in general being a sucker, etc.

Get the mail and throw away the crap she is getting. They often have postage paid envelopes inside. Return the crap they are sending in that envelope, marking it "Please remove me from your mailing list".

If she gets her mail and has writes checks, intervene on this end and do not really put them in the mail. Throw them away.

I hope you have POA. If she is in early stage of Dementia you may still be able to have her assign you. The other option would be guardianship which is expensive.

Get the mail before she does. If you have to set up a PO box for just her, do it. Then u pick up the mail. If a stamped-self addressed envelope is included, put all paperwork back in the envelope circling where Moms address is and in big letters..."take me off your mailing and phone lists". If they don't send an envelope, email. Put the address in exactly hoe they have it. Tell them Mom has Dementia and is on a very limited budget. She cannot afford to send u money.

I cut back on a lot of Moms mail this way.

I am a strong proponent of people paying their way. Mum should be paying room and board and her cell phone bill. You should not be subsidizing her basic living expenses while she has an income. If you are paying her way, you are in effect making all these donations.

How does Mum get the cheques into the mail? Does she take it to the mail box? If no, then you could intercept the mail on its way out the door. I know some may criticize me for this suggestion, but it may be a solution.

The other option is to intercept the mail when it comes in. Getting a PO Box is one way of doing that.

Mum had a friend who was suck in this donation loop and when Mum became POA, she sat down with her friend and discussed which charities were important to her and made one annual donation on her behalf. Then Mum tossed all the incoming requests.

When Mom came to live with me I did an address change. It used to be, they would not forward junk mail. Well some of these junk mail places got smart and started using first class mail stamps. Then I thought, oh good, only the companies I made address changes to will be sending mail. The junk mail will be going to old address and after 18 months the PO will not forward. WRONG! Somehow the charities were able to get the new address and I started getting mail. Complained to the PO, not their fault, utilities fault. I guess its just new technology but those charities were quick to change Moms address. Not that quick when you ask to be taken off their mailing list. One charity said because they were a charity, they didn't have to remove Mom. I told them they were wrong. If I request to be removed, they must do it.

I still get mail occasionally. If junk I throw out. If sent first class, I write deceased on it. Maybe thats what u should do, send back "deceased". PO only sends back first class mail. Junk mail gets thrown away.

There's another possibility that I recall having done, but forgotten about it, and just remembered.

I called the organizations that were harassing my father (or me as I also wanted all the solicitations to me to stop) and first advised them that he had no money and couldn't donate any more. If that didn't stop them, then I demanded that they discontinue their solicitations, advising that I would share their offensive behavior on social media sites so that dozens, hundreds, if not thousands of others could be aware how they were harassing an almost 100 year old man.

If they were "iffy" organizations, I'd suggest that a referral to the IRS for review of their "charitable" activities might be appropriate.

I think I had some other options but don't remember them now. I think the threat of being outed on social media is probably the most powerful option; it I'm sure gets more attention than the BBB.

Your mother should have the dignity of paying her own way; you need to charge her rent and you should not be subsidizing food and cell phone.

Where is she getting stamps from?

Whether she pays her own "way" or not is between OP and her mother. Irrelevant to this discussion.

As for the mail, getting a PO Box and forward ALL mail to it will help by preventing her from getting these "requests". There are still things like sale flyers, free local papers, etc that will show up in your mail box, but everything else (excluding federal mail) should go to the PO Box. Then you can siphon through the mail and destroy all the junk and solicitations. Out of sight, out of mind. I doubt writing to them, talking to them or sending their stuff back will work. Even if it did, they WILL sell her name and address to others, so you'll keep getting junk no matter what you do!!! It IS a big thriving business, selling addresses.

As for how they get the new address - it's generally referred to as data mining. Even many years ago (40ish?) places sold mailing lists, but it wasn't nearly as bad as now (thank the internet for a lot of this). My ex one time added III to his name and sure enough, we got stuff from other places we never dealt with addressed to his name that way! My mother has never lived with me, but I have a PO Box and it is unreal the junk that arrives in HER name! I did have to change billing address for the condo and utils before we could sell it, and also filled out a temporary forward mail card at the PO, to catch things I might have missed, but even the postal service will "provide" a new address if it is past the forwarding time (generally 1 year.) I saw this in action when helping the local cat shelter - tons of returned mail, with a yellow label stuck on with the newer address. I did a lot of look ups to help update their mailing lists, to confirm the name and addresses that were provided and the majority WERE correct.

NOTE: Any federal mail will NOT be forwarded. IRS, SS, Medicare, etc. Those you would have to contact to have the address changed, if you choose to. These would be for tax forms, SS updates, Medicare notices, etc. I needed to handle these through becoming rep payee for SS and pension, because we sold the condo and I couldn't have that mail forwarded.

As for the checks - do you have POA? If not, this will be a problem. The bank *might* be willing to assist, but don't count on it. If you do have POA, change the mailing address to that PO Box - that way even if she calls to get more checks, they won't get to her! Initially I let statements, etc go to mom, but had to stop that too, because she would separate all the pages and file them weirdly. One bill I missed during the short "forward" of mail was car insurance. She called to get checks to pay it, forgetting I handled everything. The new checks were sent to me. When she didn't get them, she called again and they told her I get them. Never heard a word from her about that. which was odd.

Speaking of the car - we took that away and sold it well before we had to move her to MC. Now I get junk mail addressed to her warning that she needs to get this extended warranty or she'll have to pay for all repairs! It has been at least 4 years since we sold the car, so clearly these are SCAMS, AND they all come to my PO Box! They don't mention any car, just that she NEEDS this NOW. I laugh, rip them up, and throw them away. Additionally, I get mail in my son's name and my former son-in-laws name, though neither EVER lived at this address. So, clearly they are digging up this info online and using it. I just rip those up and toss them too.

Disgusted too, talking to those who send solicitations does work, if they're charities. I've gotten rid of all the charities except the three who send things I can use, such as American Legion, VFW and Toys for Tots.

What doesn't work is some of the retailers, such as BJ's Wholesale Club. They just ignore requests.

I made plenty of mistakes when my mom lived with me. One was thinking that she did not have to contribute to household expenses because she was my mom. I felt that it would be wrong to charge my own mom to live in my home.

What happened? I was spending a lot more than before. Of course, it cost extra to house another person in one’s home. Her bank account was growing and mine was decreasing. She started donating more than she did when she was paying bills at her house.

My mom always gave to certain charities and I understood because I give to the same ones. We both donated to St. Jude’s. My niece beat leukemia while at St. Jude’s. We both give to church. Those are fine.

Mom started giving to every charitable organization that came in the mail because once a person gives to one they must sell your name and address because she got loads of mail for donations.

If she doesn't have stamps....

Hi all! Thanks so much for your responses! It makes me feel so much better. Couple of answers - in February we got rid of my mom’s car due to safety concerns. I assume she got her stockpile of stamps prior to that time. She also must have checks hidden in her room because I keep taking them and she appears with another checkbook :) She has expenses aside from household (long term care insurance, life insurance, Medicare supplemental plan, debts) that she pays from her social security. And now I have an aid who comes a couple of times a week to drive her places for her sanity. That also comes out of her Savings above and beyond her SS. She is not in a good financial situation to pay much more. Oftentimes she writes checks and they come out of her savings because the account doesn’t cover it. I manager her finances (as much as I can but she doesn’t help!!). I should have explained the big picture! I think I will try a P.O. Box, and use my POA to cancel any checks on her account. Thank you thank you!!

Catching the mail as soon as it gets to your house--beating her to the mailbox and sorting through may help, It's sneaky, I know, but she can't buy what she can't see!

My mom buys from catalogs. Every.SIngle.Day. Half the time she doesn't like the itme and returns it, and then does not want to pay the shippping fees. She's done this enough that her credit rating is crap---not that it matters anymore. For a while, I took her catalogs and went through them and unsubscribed her to a lot of them. But she sees things on TV or in the newspaper and it starts all over.

I gave up, finally, told her if she wanted to hoard out her house with cheap knick knacks, she could. She DOES balance her checkbook, to the penny, every month, but the only debt she has is her Medicare Supplement and groceries.

Any check over $200 has to be cosigned by the FPOA, so she keeps her purchases below that. But she still buys a lot of "garbage".

Kblanchat74,
Are you her POA or legal guardian? If not, you should try to make that happen.
Are you on her checking account?
Again, if not, you need to make it happen.
The PO box may be a good idea.
You can weed out her mail.
I understand it's hard, but if there is anyway to find her checks, put them away for safe keeping.
Perhaps give her the checks for her Church and Alzheimer's foundation.
With Alzheimer's/ Dementia, she literally is not in her right mind. You have to be her "right mind "!
She's blessed to have you looking out for her!
Hang in there!
God bless!!

First step is to stop buying her food and paying her phone bill. If she can afford to "donate" money she can afford her bills.

Consider changing your mailbox to one in which mail can be placed, but has to be unlocked to take it out. Or, if she’s like my mother, a complicated looking clasp might be enough to keep her out. We, too, now have to intercept my mother’s mail. I pass along only material from reputable charities she has long supported. I have to hide the rest as she sometimes searches for it. Also consider her own recycling and garbage cans. I once spotted statements in our recycling box after she’d said the bank never sent them anymore.

Wishing you all the best with your mother.

I don’t know US banking regs, but my mother and I have a joint account. I use a debit card to pay for her groceries, phone, etc. All the transactions on this account are by me, for her. Every 6 months I transfer a previously agreed upon amount into it from her main account. Joint Tenants With Rights Of Survivorship also removes the account from the estate so funds become the survivor’s immediately upon receipt of a death certificate.

As POA I think you can remove the cheque book from her pension account?

I would open a separate, smaller account as her 'spending money' with debit card (if she can manage or if not, cash only).

After running into trouble with overspending & credit, my sister had a financial administrator appointed to manage her pension & bills for her. She has a small spending account with a regular small amount added weekly. System works very well. She sees & spends her part. The rest is out of sight & mind but appropriatly used, not scammed away.

In this case, the OP is the administrator. It's the mental leap to having to take over that can upsetting. But if say a certain amount / % goes to Mum to spend on whatever thing she likes (legal thing - maybe not dodgy charities..) then everyone wins.

If you’re POA you can re-route her mailing address to you. Give her what she needs to see and trash all junk mail asking for money.

Give her dummy checks from an old closed checkbook. My husband (87, dementia) actually paid his federal taxes with one of those a few years ago). then she can write as many as she likes! Or the p.o. box is a good idea.

I wrote to the charities and asked them to remove her from their list. I explained she was 92 years old and by her sending them money she was literally sending them her grocery and medication money. St. Judes said they’d remove her (but their mailings started up again a year later) and a mega church actually returned the check but after she moved in with us I received a mailing from them.

I talked to family and they all said they had tried to get her to stop sending checks for birthdays and holidays. So I told her they didn’t want or need her money. She got bad but stopped.

I sat with her and explained her finances and how much it was going to cost her if she lived to be 100 like her mother. She then understood she wasn’t going to have near enough money if she had to go into assisted living or have any kind of in home care.

Her checking account had to have $1K at all times so I told I’d keep $1,100 in there (I opened a “safety account” that I transferred her SS to to keep it safe) and told her if she spent that $100, she’d have to pay bank fees. That worked for awhile.

My sister was going through in-home and assisted living care for her mother-in-law so we knew what the costs were. I told my mom she had enough money for 2 years max! So stop giving away her money. And she did.

I showed her brochures online for assisted living of double occupancy rooms. I told her those rooms were cheaper and even those rooms cost a lot. That scared her. She didn’t want to live in a room in assisted living with another person.

I had her mail forwarded to me about six months before she moved in with us. Third class mail doesn’t get forwarded. I don’t know if it got returned or if USPS throws it out. After she moved in with us, any charity mailing I’d mark RTS and put back in the mailbox.

Understand though that I had financial power of attorney to manage her affairs.

In re paying rent: if she pays you rent, that has to be declared as income for you!!!! However, if she pays the equivalent of rent by paying a few utilities, that is not income. Be careful. Ask her estate attorney for guidance insofar as her accounts, hers and your joint accounts, the SS account, rent, etc.

She won't find more checks if your find ALL of her checks and take them away. Are you POA? As POA, if she's been diagnosed you can take that paperwork to the bank to stop her signed checks from being cashed. Then you can let her write all the checks she would like. You can also take them from the mailbox so they are not mailed -- let her think she is donating.

My father did the same thing. I was horrified when I realized what he was doing. Charities and scammers from the end of the earth it seemed. The only thing I could do was call these people and explain the situation. I would get to the mailbox before he did and throw the letters in the trash. If he keeps giving them money, they will keep coming after him each time asking for more.. Good luck.

I would see if the account at the bank can be changed thus making current checks void. I understand your frustration but frankly you have to take more serious action. I had to do this with my mother. She has no access to any checks. If she wants one written we discuss frankly the need for it. I will write some but not to any charities. We share a joint credit card which I don't suggest you do. I have been very frank about that also. Her long term insurance is about to run out. She knows that. I don't try to frighten her but I am very upfront with the financial mistakes she was making which cost her not only money but punitive fees. You simply have to realize I believe in your case that it is beyond the point of reasoning and take away her ability to spend this money especially since you are paying for so much towards her care.

Get to the mail first. Don't let her answer the phone. You are very fortunate that she's only writing 8 checks a month. My mother, at her peak, spent $2,500 in one month, and no donation was more than $30. We finally had to make sure nobody reached her. If your mother wad generous before the Alzheimers', she will never say "no.". It doesn't matter if there's fraud; logic goes out the window. If you can't beat her to the mailbox every day, get a P. O. box. But mail will still come through. You have to be vigilant. You might want to open some of the "gifts" occasionally and give them to her; just make sure you remove the request for money and return envelope.

This happened with us as well.
The first thing we did was to stop all her mail and have it go to us.
The only issue is sometimes mail will come addressed to current occupant so we would rifle her mail looking for those and dispose of them.
Another unfortunate but yet fortunate thing was that she bounced several checks because she did not have the funds.
This upset her very much and we explain to her it was because she was spending money on donations and was not able to pay her bills.
So that stopped some of it for a while.

Eventually we ended up taking over her checkbook as she could just no longer manage it.

My mother did that until my sister gained full authority via the POA and took away her checkbook and all forms of ID. She just snuck Mom's purse out one day and we never addressed it with Mom ever again. But to this day even though Mom is dead and gone I still get letters from the environmental organizations she sent check after check to.. sometimes three times a month to the same one. Do yourselves a favor. Get the POA and do not wait for a scam thief to take everything she owns.

I used to work for a large non-profit (a legit one) and it was my job to communicate with donors. Charities always use a CRM software that manages donor information. In that software, it's possible to mark donors as No Mail, No Calls, etc. plus make notes about the donor. We would occasionally get calls from folks in your situation dealing with an elderly person. It was our policy to ALWAYS refund the donations and make an alert in the software for future. Call the organizations so they at least mark her in the software. Have the mail go to a PO Box.

I can’t believe the huge amount of mail that older people receive and the stories they tell will break your heart. . It’s no wonder that we fall prey to scammers. I believe making donations to charities she holds dear helps my mil feel like she has a small amount of control over a life with her increasing dementia. We sat down with her and got a POA and chose certain donations to be made. We write the checks. She seems to be at peace with that setup. I like the idea of opening the gifts and giving those to her. Makes the day a little brighter to receive a gift, doesn’t it?

First of all.... Do you realize that you are enabling her check writing behavior? Do you have poa? If not, get it...Then,
get her address changed to either your p.o.box which would be free to her or her own p.o.box which you have the only key.
Next....go through your mom's room ( perhaps on one of those days she is out ( or not) and find all the checks. You have every right to be in that room because it's your house and sounds like dementia going on so you need to take charge!
Put the found checks either in a safety deposit box or better yet, destroy them and get a debit card that only you have a pin# to.
Now...Make sure she has cash only on those days she's out having fun.
You need to charge her for rent
( which includes property taxes, homeowners insurance), food, her1/2 of the utilities etc. She should be paying her way... not out there like a child throwing her money away on candy.
If she demands a debit card, the bank will give her one but it will not be set up to work. Then the bank needs to be instructed and shown your poa not to let her have withdrawals. They can simply tell her she doesn't have access to her account.
We done this with my mom. It took a month of her complaining but stand your ground and tell her that she needs to pay the bills. If there's $ left over she can pay the scam artists out of her fun $$, but when she's out of fun$ there will be no more till the following month..meanwhile you could throw her a legit charitable donation request from the mail to contribute to...or NOT!!
Good luck, stand your ground and be strong!