Does this make me a failure?? I feel so conflicted.
I'm from India and mom (now 84) took care of everyone back there - aides were hired only in the very last days of my dad. Mom somehow managed. I'd fly down occasionally to help her out .
Now my mom has moved in with me here. She is in the early stages of dementia. I cut back from full-time working in a school to part-time so I could be more around her. Before the pandemic, I hired an aide so that I could at least work part-time. Now with school reopening, my husband is telling me to quit so that I don't endanger mom's health. I hate, hate how mom is ruining my life. My impatience comes out as mom repeats herself and does stupid things. She sometimes soils the bathroom and I've to keep checking it since others use the bathroom. She has no hobbies or interests and only wants to stare at my face. I could go on but you get the idea.
I keep reminding myself that mom was so good to her parents and dad and she deserves better from me but I just don't have mom's patience. My brother never talks about caring for her.
Am I a bad daughter???? Mom is physically ok and not ready for memory care. It just scares me that mom will live to be a 100.
thank you for replying
What ive done to do this:
❣️Gave up expectations of what i feel life should be like and let it happen. When we force our desires sometimes we end up disappointed.
❣️ let go of expectations of others. You cant make them, just like you shouldn't try to make yourself.
❣️Enjoy my grandma by helping her have life after she could no longer give herself.
❣️ enjoy spending her last days of knowing me.
❣️Make her feel good about herself.
❣️ reward myself and give myself time alone
❣️pray
❣️ encourage her to be at peace as she is hurt by the changes of her mind as well. Remind her that my added brain is there to assist her.
❣️I hold her hand and love the moments she gives me of herself. Sometimes she's too stricken with grief over her loss of memory.
❣️ I became her friend. I love holding her hand and kissing her. My rewards.
❣️ become humble
❣️ talk to someone who can relate.
I also recognize the truth... One day I will be old and may lose my memory. I mean dont want to be a burden to anyone as she didn't. We all may have our day as our parents have had. Please I pray that someone will do the same for me.
Anything we do against our hearts is not done out of love and should not be done.
Find an affordable care for her and visit. Being a caregiver without the heart and love will only hurt her more. It does not make you a bad person. Honesty is always best. But truly you have to search your soul to find the real answers.
coild say those exact words, every one. I feel your pain, feel assured others share in the same life stresses as you and know that this too shall pass...don’t know when but it shall pass. I get short tempered at Mom, too. I feel guilty afterward and I’m a good Christian girl who asks God for forgiveness constantly. I’m living His plan, not mine, so I believing He will get me through this journey...but I do need coping skills! And am in the process of finding a caregiver support group. Blessings to you my sister. I’ll be looking for answers too.
First of all no one is obligated to care for their parents. I have been taking care of my mother for twenty years and I do it only out of love. not guilt or obligation. Everyone relationship is different, I had a wonderful relationship with my mother all my life so I did not think twice about caring for her. My mother stares at me most of the time, and when I look at her she smiles. She is the only one in the world who can get away with that. I bought a nice kids piano, my mother loves the piano and I do too. We usually take it out on Sundays for a concert with family participating along with her, she loves it and notice attitude is happy and calm and it is fun for us all. We take a walk with my mom in her W.C around the block for a nice walk. We are in the countryside so we see lovely animals, Canadian geese, birds, and we see neighbors we never new. One man picked a beautiful flower out of his garden and gave it to my mother. We bought a kiddie pool and my mom loves to watch us under her shady tree sipping on lemonade or eating a chocolate bar. Little things add up, it does not matter she does not remember, we are in the moment , things can change in a heart beat so we take one day at a time. I did leave my job twenty years ago and have no regrets in my decision but you have to search your heart. Caregiving at home 24/7 is hard work and is certainly stressful, it is not for everyone. Wishing you the best in your decision.
But while she was a caregiver she had time off and would come stay with me for 2 weeks. She was fine when she arrived to live with us did her one thing. But was always needy. So if we went on vacation she came along. As time went on she got less & less self sufficient. I left my job to stay home with her 3 years ago .Now the past 4 years she has LBD I am now her slave, she is unable to do anything for herself. It has come to the point now I must feed her. It’s like having a newborn that weighs 125 pounds. She can talk but most of the time she will yell and make odd noises when she is upset. Like a baby will cry when hungry.
and she always always said my daughter will take care of me. I never said I would.
but here I am, another generation of the slaves. And at this point I believe i have burnout. Because I really don’t care about anything at this point.
My husband (he has no experience with dementia seniors)
thinks I'm mom's slave since I do a lot for her though it's nowhere near how much you do.
My kids watch mom if I have to step out urgently (not much of that happening now) and will press "skip ads" on Ytube when mom's watching it:-). I tried to teach mom to "skip ads" but her fingers go all over the place and messes up the screen.
I
if these initial difficulties are making you feel this way, caretaking at home will never work for long.
Give your mom an advantage by settling her in a situation that is the best for her, and to her liking, while she still has the faculties to choose.
Moving her in later would be more disorienting.
Once she gets settled, you may be able to best appreciate time with her because you will be outside the primary caretaking burden.
I hope I find a good facility here.
You want to work and since it is important to you, please work. I am in the process of finding work in my 50's after caring for our children and moving about 24 times in 30 years of my husband's military career. It is harder finding a job with COVID and my age. My mom and grandmother cared for the seniors in the family and both are dirt poor. My mom has only a small retirement and a small inheritance which she will most likely burn through in the next 15 years... and we live into our late 90's in our family. She could work but is afraid of computers and feels she deserves to enjoy this time in her life. She will be dependent on us and I need to work to prepare for those days as well as to secure a retirement of my own. Did I mention that she has the tiniest bit of dementia starting?
As for school, be diligent with wearing a face mask, washing your hands, and social distancing and you will be fine. I have worked as an RN for 10 years and I have taken care of patients with diseases worse than COVID. I only had the little paper masks available to 8-12 hour shifts and never came down with their diseases.
Get help - volunteer or paid - to help with caring for your mom. Maybe involve her in some television shows, listening to music, helping with small household tasks, and doing simple hobbies now that she has nobody else to care for.
I will definitely get help.
First you need to understand your options, and for that, you need to do some research. What services are available to you? If your brother doesn't talk about helping per se, can he help to pay for some of the care? Can you initiate that conversation? Does your mom have funds for her care?
I honestly don't think you are trained or equipped to deal with someone with dementia, and you already know that. You at least need home based help, pandemic or not. You need to know what your options are, should her dementia continue to increase to an unmanageable level, which means you need to know about Memory Care in your area, how much it costs, what places are recommended and so forth. Go visit those places.
It's your duty as a daughter to take care of your mother, yes, but HOW you take care of her is the question here. Taking care of yourself first is your duty too, because if you don't take care of yourself, how can you take care of her? Taking care of her does not mean giving up your life for the next one to fifteen years.
If possible, try to take the emotion out of the research, and look at your options with objectivity. If you need help with that, ask your husband, friends, your brother, or a senior specialist.
Mom has completely forgotten everything she said to me over the last weeks and is happy I am coming over to do Pills and bills. I set up mediset for dad etc. Lazy sibling has taken them to dr. the last week and says geez this is real work and finally understand why sibling (me) is exhausted. Mom is having memory issue now too telling me caregivers are misbehaving-not doing their job-drinking "her" wine, turns out this is not true. New team in place is contacting their manager to verify their responsibility/job details so they know what to do. Mom is causing the problem, mom is not remembering what is going on, she will be the one to make a mess of things. I had a good relationship with mom years ago before she got weird, yelling ad dad because he could not help her/do her bidding when he was diagnosed with Parkinsons, now he has heart issue, dementia, and all kinds of other problems. They are at home-where "they" want to be with all the complications of home care etc. Mom will never see/believe that facility care could be better, safer, social and simplified-all in one place. I grieved the two of them years ago. I will miss that time-but not the chaos and crazy that is their life now. I minimize my time with them and will only do the needed appointments as I feel I can do. I could never have either one of them in my house full time. I thought about it for my sister when i was having trouble locating a good facility-but realized i can not do the work of 5-6 people all day every day.
Thank you for replying
If it is possible can you hire more help or at least cleaning help? Does mom wear depends?
Taking care of mom can mean making sure she is cared for but you do not have to do it all. We are all made different and some people can do it and others cannot.
I am caregiving for my mom and husband's aunt. My dad just passed and I would have done everything for him. Love the aunt but dementia is getting worse. She may have to move to memory care in the future. Hate caring for mom, we never had a good relationship. With all I had plenty of sitters thank God.
Husband has to hear you about this being just too much.
Husband knows this is too much and at his urging, I hired aides before the pandemic. I will hire again when it's safer to do so.
I admit to not understanding the cultural norms that give all the burden to you, the daughter. Even in the U.S., it is still expected of the daughters to do the caregiving most of the time.
Most here weren't like I was. I felt so resentful of the way my mother treated me (and she didn't live with me) that I told my brothers I expected compensation. And I got it. ($20/hour) So I treated the caregiving I did for her as a job. (And it wasn't personal hygiene help.) And that put the necessary emotional distance between my mother and me that I needed to continue to do for her.
I know this doesn't help you, but what kind of retirement is it going to be for you at 66 if you insist your mother go to a facility but then have your in-laws move in?
Taking care of our parents is a tough job, made even tougher by Covid, and in your mom’s case by language issues. Please “fire” your inner critic if you can. We do the best we can in taking care of our parents and that’s all we can do.
My mom just returned from the hospital from a stroke not long ago, and we had four different therapists coming into the home. One has to balance the benefit gained by having needed help with risks of Covid, which can be minimized with masks and hand washing, etc. Your mental health counts too!
As for activities for your mom, I would say keep the movies and tv shows coming. But perhaps there’s nothing wrong with your mom simply sitting there, giving her brain some quiet time to rest (maybe get her to meditate?).
You made me think about starting a care home for Hindi speakers at some point (I’m not a native speaker but I’m learning and love Indian cultures), but most likely, when I’m done taking care of my mom, all I will want to do is to not take care of anyone!😂
Big hug to you!
PS - Trevor is great, isn’t he?
Thank you. Good lord, go to a tropical island and enjoy when your cargiving job is done:-))
I've cared for my three aunts and my mother for several decades, but from a distance, taking them shopping and to doctors since none of them drove, and setting up in home care as each of my aunts declined and passed away, leaving my Mom at a healthy 86 and able to live independently in her apartment that she'd shared with her last sister. It continues to be that way at 93, although she needs more and more help as she ages. I have a neighbor who used to take her to Bingo each week before the pandemic while I take her out at least twice a week to shop, the dentist, etc., and she has neighbors who she visits and they visit her. The maintenance man will do any chore she wants, and even stops in when she needs a can opened! She wears a mask and keeps a distance, but needs and craves the contact with people other than me, too.
My mother is starting to have some early senile dementia, and I plan to continue bringing in services as she needs them and eventually consider Assisted Living. She is an extremely difficult, narcisstic person who is very demanding, but I set firm boundaries that I can live with since I have a life outside of her (I'm 64 and my husband is 66 and just had a stent placed in his main artery, sons and their families, etc.) that she could have cared less about before she needed help and even now. She tries all kinds of manipulations that she'd used on me from childhood (I'm an only child), but I have support from family, friends, senior social workers, etc. and her doctors work closely with me if there is an issue.
Bottom line, you are not a bad daughter, and your main priority is to keep your Mom safe and healthy as well as yourself. Finding the right balance for you and your Mom is very important, and no decision should be made that you can't live with in peace. I wish you and all of us caring for our loved ones the best!
There is a good deal of respect for those who care and for some, their identity is bound up in caring and their sense of self is intrinsic in the role. We are not all the same though and knowing that you are not as patient and will resent it, in an era where there ARE alternatives, is important too. You can work out a compromise. Good luck.
My duty is to make sure she is safe and well-cared for. Tomorrow I will call A Place For Mom to get their advice on a new facility. I take care of all the finances, finding resources, medical care, etc. I consider that I am fulfilling her wishes.