She knew the reason why she ask me that.
It had to do with someone she kept and realized she really didn’t want that job. All of her motives were wrong. Unfair to pin me like that. It’s weighty, nerve racking, binding, mentally disturbing, psychologically impacting. I’m trying to do what’s right, it affects my job. I don’t want to go to work. Nothing is natural for me. I get up when I get her dressed, I’m already tired. In Oct 1 brother decided he had a wk, then me. Still the buck has been on me, living with her ever since end of 2014. I’ve left my husband to attend to my mother, my life has been turned upset down. My peace is prayer. I beginning to not feel guilty if I do have to place her in a nursing home. I’m not God. I’m tired. I can’t do things when I want. If someone keep her I’m on a time clock, unfair. She was unfair!
I’ve always been obedient and my mother used that . What do you do in a case like this? She’s now where she’s not feeding herself properly. That’s extra on me... I’m do worn. I honestly believe I’m in a state of depression. I don’t want to go to work. It’s like I could throw in the towel.
I've said this before on this forum, but a child should never be forced to make the promise of never putting their parent in a nursing home. Instead the promise should be that the child will do whatever it takes to make sure their parent is getting the best care possible. And sometimes that means going into some type of nursing facility. You have to do what's best for you at this point, and clearly that means finding the best facility for her to go in. She will adjust and she may even like it. And you will be able to get back to just being her daughter. Doesn't that sound pretty good at this point? Wishing you the best.
I so wish all those who lambast ANY other living situation besides providing the care yourself in your own home or the LOs home would UNDERSTAND this simple idea.
It doesn't mean we abandon our LO, it just means finding the BEST situation for EVERYONE involved. If that's in one home or the other, and it works, great. If not, that IS OKAY as well, so long as we do our best to find the best place and advocate for them!!!!
I shall call your story:
The Tale of The Good Daughter & The Promise
😇 😱
So your Mom got older & is scared of a nursing home. OK - fair enough. Her solution was to choose an offspring (kindest or most obedient is the best) & apply pressure so they become her 24/7 carer. Enter you.
It is working for so far. For HER. But it needs to work for all the people in the plan. That means for YOU too. Is it?
So. Firstly, work out how much you can realistically do.
Secondly, explain this to your Mom. Something like "I care for you but I am only ONE person. I cannot do all this anymore. I need to return to my home, marriage & job. We need a new plan. I will find out who can help us do that".
You may get respect & acceptance. Or you may get resistance & rage.
What are your thoughts on this?
Circumstances have changed, her needs have changed, and your abilities have changed. Being coerced into an agreement doesn't mean you are stuck with it.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have done your best and gone above and beyond for too long. As my husband's doctor said "Going above and beyond for an extended period of time NEVER ends well for the caregiver."
You need to take care of yourself. Ruining your life and health won't do your mother any good either. At most, you can supervise the professionals who care for your mom. You have the right to your mental and physical health.
Take care of yourself and I wish the best for you.
I wish more doctors would offer that advice.
The only thing my mom’s doctor ever said to me was, “You’re doing a great job caring for your mom.”
It was NEVER about my needs. They never asked how I was holding up.
You need to make arrangements for outside help for your mom. Please don't think of it as a selfish decision. It's not. Eventually if you continue as you have been your mom's needs will be greater than you can handle anyways and you will have lost yourself in the meantime. Do this for yourself and your mom!
As for guilt. It's a useless emotion. I felt guilty about transitioning my mom to a nursing home but it was in her best interests and mine and there were no if's and's or but's about it. It was hard. I felt horrible every time I went to visit her there but you know what? It had to be done and after awhile she didn't even know the difference anyway.
I know this is hard but you can do it.
I had my mom with me. It became unbearable. I understand how you feel.
Like you I became riddled with anxiety and depression. I was exhausted.
You have tried your very best to honor your mom’s wishes. Please don’t feel guilty about finding a nice place for her to live.
I used to think that I was strong by holding on. It took more strength to let go.
I was torn, just like you, feeling obligated to care for mom in my home but we can only do so much on our own.
We make the mistake of doing all that we can to please our parents and end up severely neglecting ourselves and our families.
So, you said it yourself, “It isn’t fair!” YOU are equally important to your mom.
Speak to others, her doctor, a social worker, etc. to help you plan the next step. Have you called Council on Aging in your area?
Was your dad a vet? See if you can get financial aid from them to help pay for an assisted living facility or see what it will take for her to apply for Medicaid so she can live in a suitable nursing home.
You deserve to live your life with your family. Your family members deserve this too.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Best wishes to you and your family.