Mom passed away July 14, 2020...

You gave your mom the best gift you could give her, "Mom passed away so peacefully in my home." She had you till the end (even if she was unaware). Grief is different for everyone. Give yourself grace each day.

Oh my... My mother is still here. But I feel every word you said. I am living in my childhood home, NOT by choice, but obligation. A home that she gave to my brother...that lived down the street and I will be expected to LEAVE as soon as she passes. Just as I am EXPECTED to not have a life with my children and grandchildren because I have to be here with her 24/7.

When you said you didn't have peace, that broke my heart for both you and me. I am so tired...

I wish I lived somewhere else and could come and spend time with her and we could talk and she could be my Mom. But she never really has been "to"me just for appearance sake. I would take 5 good minutes. But you know, I've spent 56 years trying
to get it right for her...and right now I feel myself becoming her...bitter and hateful, because not only did she make my childhood demented...NOW, she is stealing MY time with MY children and grandchildren. It's just not fair.

Condolences on the loss of your mom. You need time to decompress for the physical aspects of caregiving and time to let yourself heal mentally. I hope it will come sooner than later. But you have the best of wishes from me and, I'm sure, everyone on this board. Take care of yourself...now is the time.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure your body and soul is exhausted, and when you give so much with little return, peace, joy, and perspective fade away.
I don’t think we can never fully know some things about our parents, they have secrets and grew up in a time where many things were kept hidden. You can make sure your children don’t share that legacy by being open and honest with them.
Do you know who knows you loved and cared deeply for your mother when no one else was there? You know. Your children know your example. If you are a person of faith, the Lord knows. When our parents don’t acknowledge our gift it is hard to feel peace.
Although you don’t yet feel peace, probably because your mom didn’t help provide that gift to you, you have no regret knowing you stepped up and were there when no one else was present. You were a good daughter.
Many wills and trusts have stipulations that caregivers or executors can be compensated for their works. If possible, accept that for yourself as you divide her estate.

Dear Patticake2,
I so understand the lack of peace you are feeling. Last parent, complicated ending, etc. all contribute. You are not alone in your feelings. I hate the way I feel and will also be so glad when these feelings pass. My mother died February 22, 2020 after a battle with severe dementia which was preceded by numerous other health problems. I have been through anticipatory grief at least 3 times (but didn't know it then)as she nearly died 3 different times. Each time she'd get back up on her feet and want to go back home. My daddy died nearly 14 years ago so I've been her helper and caregiver on and off until finally she had to move from her home to AL and later to a NH when a fall caused a hematoma on the brain which either caused or seriously escalated onset of dementia. I continued to oversee her care seeing her or calling her every day for most of that time. I finally had to take her cell phone because all she did was use it to call me and leave such hurtful, nasty voicemails when I wouldn't answer. She was a loyal mother who dedicated her life to her family. Her downfall was she could be controlling and manipulative (which got much, much, much worse with the dementia) when I, her only child, didn't conform to what she wanted. This, of course, caused really serious problems in my marriage(although my husband and mother in law did play a part in some). In the NH she eventually got so paranoid she refused all medications and her anxiety, delusions and paranoia got a lot worse. I became the enemy and couldn't really visit with her. I continued to go but would basically walk in her room and walk out because she'd start "firing" at me as soon as she saw me. She would tell me she hoped I dropped dead before her, threaten and try to torture me by bringing up hurtful things from the past. She told all kinds of horrible lies on me and then tried to talk to my sons, saying they needed to know certain things??? It was unbearable and my therapist advised me to check on her from a distance, keep my sons away, talk with staff, etc. I had a caregiver(who also took a lot of abuse) and she reported to me daily. The last couple of weeks she would hardly allow anyone to touch her much less bathe her. She screamed at everyone, had started refusing to eat or drink much for a few weeks because she thought we were all trying to poison her. The last straw was when she threw poop on a CNA and the NH called Hospice(she'd already been with them). They took her to the hospice house where they medicated her because she was a fall risk and since she'd already had some mini strokes. Also, hospice had told me about 2 weeks before that she was transitioning. When I got there she was calm alright, later in and out of it and in the end we were able to talk a little and have a sweet moment or two. Told her I love her and she said same to me! It was almost like God took away the dementia at the end so we could emotionally reconnect and she could die in peace. I was with her, holding her hand as she requested years ago, she went easy without struggling but do I have peace???! I'm so thankful she went peacefully and it felt as though God orchestrated the end like she wanted it(other than being sedated) but I'm left with feelings of guilt because I question whether I should have fought for her more. The doctor was talking about sending her to an institution because we didn't think the NH would take her back and I had no other place for her. No extra room at my house and I physically could not take care of her due to a back issue. I can honestly say I wouldn't want her back like she was because something more terrible was bound to happen to her and I know she's in heaven now with my daddy and finally at peace. You can read more about my history(If you get bored, ha!) in my previous posts under DEMENTIA. Your plea got to me and I pray you find peace very soon, after all the hard work we put in.

Hang in there. In time, you will begin to heal.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Have you considered slowing down a little and taking some time to breathe? My mother passed in November, and we're still going through the house. Of course my younger brother and I live here, and we never went through all my father's files and books when he passed away almost 30 years ago, so we have a lot to go through. It's given us projects during the lockdown. You probably won't find reassurances in your mother's belongings; you're extraordinarily lucky to have found any requests, wishes, or plans. Most of us find lots of unanswered questions, and in my case, 14 boxes of Band-Aids in my Mom's dresser drawers and more than 100 mostly unmatched black socks. My mother wasn't organized before the Alzheimer's; we now find things in locations that could kindly be described as whimsical.

It will get better with time. It's awfully fresh right now. Don't make any decisions about money yet. Funerals are incredibly expensive; make sure that gets deducted from anything being split among siblings. And if there isn't a will, don't do anything. There are legalities to consider. Talk to a lawyer. And give yourself a break. Grieving takes time.

Patt,
Keep writing. To us, to yourself, to whoever. It's good to get it out!

You know how sometimes we add 2 plus 2 and we don't get 4? Somehow we get 5? This is what happened when you went looking for evidence and didn't find your name in the way that would've made you feel better. In this case, you made 2+2=5, and that is not a good equation. It doesn't add up. The only evidence you need that you mattered to your mother is in your heart. There's no need to continue searching for evidence. It's evident that you did your absolute best.

Yes, it's quiet, but there's no victory in this quiet. It's just sad. Would you be able to put off dealing with some of these issues for a bit, that is, weeding through her stuff, and dealing with the estate? There's a reason why people use lawyers for some of these functions. They are objective at a time when we cannot be. If you are able to step away from all of this for any period of time, then please do. The break from 'all things mom' will make these tasks much less onerous when you come back to them.

RE: this money you have to distribute. Was that written in a will? Why is it that you are responsible for this distribution? Are there siblings or other relatives that can now step in to take over some of these burdens from you? It seeems that you did the heavy lifting, and you could use some support yourself at this time.

Do you have a friend or loved one who you can spend some time with? Maybe a day trip to a National Park where you can go hiking, or take a picnic, and just sit outside and be? Can you take a longer break and go for a few days or a week? If so, these breaks can only help you to feel better equipped to deal with everything when you return.

Take care!

Rest your head & heart.
Quietly re-grow at your own pace.
Healing requires much energy.
But peace will follow.
💙🌱🌞😊

So sorry for your loss. Warmest thoughts.

I'm sorry for your loss. My mom and I were extremely close-she was my very heart and soul and I lost her October 2019.

It is no different than someone in prison for years and years--like prison inmates, we caregivers become institutionalized. When let free, they do not know how to live, think or act because someone else dictated that for them. We caregivers also are institutionalized chained to our loved ones because without us they die. I had to do everything for mom--I was her life support 100% of the time for many years. She could not eat, drinks, sleep, activities, take medications, insulin, accuchecks, etc., without me. I really was her life support. In the end she even forgot how to eat and drink so I revoked mom's hospice to get a feeding tube put in her so she would not die of dehydration, which can take weeks. Mom was discharged back home with hospice reinstated so they provided all the tube feeds, pump, tubing, dressings, etc. Because of the feeding tube and good care, Mom died very comfortably and in total peace. Strange, all the medical "authorities" said don't put in the feeding tube, but mom never had a problem with it. It was a 10-minute surgery and she had zero complications. Mom's needs met, she was very comfortable and I checked residuals so it gave me an early indication when her body was shutting down (ONLY at that point I stopped the tube feeding/water as her body was not digesting it). It was easier to give medications because of it for comfort. Residuals started 3 days before she died. Before that she had none and I gave her 4 cans daily with water flushes-zero residuals. Feeding tubes take a LOT of care. So caregivers need A LOT of education on those.

Mom's ordeal of living is over. Mine has only begun. Now at age 60 imagine how bad it is to start over. Decades of caregiving and I"m alone now. Wow. Yes, I indeed understand how it must feel to be institutionalized. For years and years mom dictated my life because I had to adhere to a very strict routine to keep her healthy and life sustained. She died age 90. Even now I find it hard to believe she died. She did, and one of these days so will I, and so will you. So will everybody. That is the "cycle of life" and it is seems ridiculous--I am thankful I never had any kids. I don't want them to go through what I'm going through.

When mom died I felt my life is over.
You are going to have to try to forge a new life without her. The bills keep on coming in no matter what is happening to you.

I think that is the most difficult thing to grasp after YEARS and YEARS of caregiving--you have to life your life without being centered around mom.

Right now you have to sort through the legal garbage. I do not know how much estate preparation you did, but if you did not do any or very little you will have to go through probate. If you did not share a bank account with hers that too will have to go through probate--anything in her name will be probated.

(1) If she had any military benefit such as a stipend or Tri-Care you MUST notify them. Notify Social Security just in case--the funeral home was supposed to do that by law but you never know if something slipped through the cracks.

(2) Notify her bank

(3) Notify HOME and FLOOD INSURANCE. If the policy was under her name only you cannot make a claim on it if something happens.

(4) If she had Medicaid it gets even worse due to Estate Recovery law. Anything that goes through probate, Medicaid could potentially seize after her death. That is why a lot of people avoid Medicaid if at all possible.

You will have a rude awakening when family swoops down like vultures wanting a piece of the money pie, even though they had nothing to do with the care. You find out how people really are when it comes to the money, and you will discover just how alone you really are.

The advantages now is that you will no longer have to worry about her. NOTHING can hurt or harm her. Not CoVID, hurricanes, flu, World War 3. N

it is odd after caring for someone for so long to be numb but yet that is sometimes how grief happens. My dad died June 16 and I did do some reflection, reminiscing and cried at various times but now I too am settling his estate. My sister and I divided up the tasks.
do you know that as the person settling up the business of an estate you can charge for it? The attorney for dad's trust told us that is allowed and we are only charging $50/hr which is cheap. But it makes having to do it much more palatable as my other two sisters who will share in the inheritance do nothing. We are each keeping logs of our tasks and hours we are spending on each one. You'd be surprised how that mounts up. That might help with some of the resentment you feel.
as far as dealing with your grief and other feelings, you might consider grief counseling either through a therapist or if she had hospice, they will offer it through their chaplain.

Someone gave me a little booklet when my Dad died called "Seasons of Grief and Healing" by James E Miller. She had gotten it from hospice staff. It's so good at identifying the right emotions you are feeling during the grief process and gives a few suggestions for dealing with them. Helped me a lot. In fact, I'm going back to it now after reading your post.

Your post made me cry. I was also very tired when my Dad died, having lived awhile on autopilot. And then there was the final drama from my brother while Dad was dying and the decisions I had to make alone. And then there was all the work (alone) to clear out his place, dispose of things, settle the estate. All the damned paperwork. And my brother wanting his unearned inheiritence, caring more about my father's money than he ever did about my father.

I haven't yet figured out what the next step is. For the first time in my life, there is absolutely no structure. No friends, no family, no job, no dreams.. I took care of the home maintenance backlog and have been trying to declutter, but so has everyone else during the pandemic and places don't want my or my father's stuff. I'm tired of being task-driven. The dog and I walk every day but there is a void of what I would call "quality of life". I realized last night that you can't even make a connection with strangers anymore because the damned mask hides your smile.

Mom died 16 years ago. I had always thought we would go into the sunset together but she got sick and I let her go. She entrusted me with Dad and I did my best. I got to know him better in a different way, which was a blessing in itself, before I let him go. Now I can no longer deny my own mortality. I wonder how I got to be so old.

I, too, want to thank the people on this website. Your advice and counsel was helpful and I felt less alone.

A good friend once told me “You are burdened by the weight of your expectations”

A lot of things that you think should have happened, didn’t. These are things you have no control over.

Pattiecake,
You worded your thoughts and feelings so well. I can relate to total exhaustion. It affects us all differently, but I’m glad you truly realize your are completely drained. I do not have answers... I am going through so much myself, but you are aware of how you feel and that is huge. Praying for you to have peace, rest and strength to move forward in something that brings you joy. You are amazing.

God loves you listen he will be your guide to find wgat is best for you and realize you are the only person you have control over.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I completely understand the issue with the siblings. Take the time you need to grieve. You can't change the past but you can strive for peace in the future. My prayers are with you.

Patticake2, I'm so sorry for your loss. This happened to you so recently, so everything will be a blur at the moment. The exhaustion comes from the overwhelming and confusing feelings you have right now. I'm sorry you feel so sad that you don't see evidence of any closeness with your mother, now you are sorting out her things. Remember that these are very early days in your bereavement right now. Be kind to yourself, focus on one day at a time and make sure you take plenty of rest. When my father died almost exactly a year ago, he left details of his funeral wishes and had also written a summary of his life, to help the minister to write a eulogy for the service. There was no mention of me in his life story, even though I was his only child. He left me nothing in his will - I just had a few bits and pieces that my stepmother gave me (basically a few things she didn't want). Despite all of this, I knew he loved me. My husband, aunts and uncles all knew this and told me so. Six months later I decided I would sell these few items and buy some books that I knew we both enjoyed, to remember him by. We both loved literature and poetry and would often share and swap books. I miss him terribly, but I shall have these books forever. My husband feels my father should have made some provision for me, and for our son, in his will, but I've come to terms with this and am at peace with how things have turned out. We can't change what's happened in the past but it's possible to change how we feel about it so it doesn't eat away at us. Give yourself time, and look after yourself as a priority.

Dear Patticake2,

I'm so sorry for the recent loss of your mom. You undoubtedly are hurting deeply for so many reasons.

I think you had unrealistic expectations once she did finally pass away - the peace you thought you'd have isn't there - the quiet you thought you would enjoy isn't there. Please don't put so much pressure on yourself. It seems like you are trying to hurry through what should come naturally. The peace and the quiet will come further down the road. You mentioned that you have missed your mom for a long time which often comes with "anticipatory grief" yet, you're still feeling like it's brand new. That's because it is - you are going through shock. In the movie "Terms of Endearment" with Shirley Maclaine playing the mother of her daughter (Debra Winger) who was dying of cancer, there was the scene at the end in the hospital where her daughter was near death. The nurse came in and checked her pulse and woke the husband saying she was gone, Shirley gets up out of her chair and says "I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid - somehow I thought -- somehow I thought when she finally went that it would be a relief... there's nothing harder ." How true those words are.

Your mourning is different than your dad's for probably two reasons. One simply is the fact that no two deaths of anyone in our lives are the same because your relationship with each one of them is not the same. And secondly, this is the last parent to pass away and often we can feel like orphans even if we have siblings.
When my dad died in 2004, he was my first immediate family member to die - I was 41 but, I also know that when my mom dies, it is going to be ten times harder for both those reasons. My mom is 95 with Alzheimer's related dementia and was near death due to severe dehydration and COVID back in April while in lockdown at her AL facility. She managed to survive and my husband and I moved her to a new facility and placed her in memory care. Because she's never been the same since, I have gone through the "anticipatory grief" at least three times when I thought she would pass away. That was bad enough so I dread when that day actually comes.

Sometimes we don't know about certain parts of our parent's past and things they did because life often gets in the way especially if there is ANY kind of dysfunction within the family dynamics. Don't blame yourself for not being a "party person" - they were being who they were and you were being who you were and still are. There should be no shame for having protected your daughters from a lifestyle you didn't agree with or want them to have for themselves.

I understand your feeling that dementia stole your mom's years - because it did. I understand your feeling robbed in your caregiving role because you are "so very tired" - because you truly are. I understand you feeling bitter towards your family - because you did all the work, they didn't go see her and they don't want you to bother them until you have money to dole out to them. I am going through some of those same circumstances so I "get it." I know you have regrets and I would be willing to bet that all of us have regrets for one thing or another - so you are not alone.

I'm glad you know you did a good job, you were there when no one else was, you know none of the others could have done a better job and you were responsible. Think of taking care of both of them as an honor and wear your badge of courage with great pride. You may not have been able to formally say "goodbye" but, I'm sure your mother felt it.

I hope you will take some "time out" - there will be plenty of time do go through stuff and other tasks that don't require immediate attention. Try and get some much needed rest because when we don't, that's when our emotions really get the best of us. And you are right - "this too shall pass." May God give you great comfort and peace during this difficult time!

Patticake big ((((hugs)))). You sound so tired and discouraged.

Please take care of YOU for a couple of days. The other stuff can wait.

Patticake2, I’m so sorry for your loss. Even if not written down or ever said, you were you Moms angel and such a loving daughter. You were the one to open up your home and care for your Mom during her time of most need. Take time to mourn, rest, and care for yourself now. I’d put everything else aside and deal with it when you are ready. Sending hugs.

Dear Patticake, can you rest for a few days? The end of the life is never the peace and rest that people expect, because there is so much to do. You must be physically and mentally exhausted. Do you have to sort out all the belongings straight away, and get into settling the estate right now? It just piles more and more issues on you at the wrong time. It would be so good if you could rest and take a break, with a few different things to look at if it is possible for you to get away. Put the other people out of your mind. You have done a wonderful job, and now you need to cut yourself some slack. Best wishes and sympathy, Margaret

Pattycake,
So sorry for the loss of your mother. Thank you for spending valuable time writing about your loss of your mother. You were close to your mom in your own sweet way. Taking care of her until she passed was a gift you gave her in her last days/ years of her life. Take care of yourself and don't worry about the inheritance, there will be plenty of time for that later. You need to think of you right now. Get some well deserved rest. You've done your mother proud, and you should feel good about taking good care of her. It will take some time, but you will feel peace and gain strength as time goes on. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this most difficult time. Hugs to you!

My father passed this week too. I thought I would feel relief. He is free of this world. I am no longer stressed about everything. Yet right now I feel nothing.

I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry on the loss of your mum. . My deepest condolences. May you get through this next phase without too much trouble. I know the exhaustion, Please take care of yourself. You need to heal.

Patti, I am so sorry for your loss.

I pray that The Lord grants you grieving mercies and comfort during this time.

Great big warm hug 🤗!

(((Hugs))) I'm so sorry for your loss.