I’m not sure who I am writing to in this post. I just wanted to say how this website has gotten me through for the last few years.
The peace I thought I’d have isn’t there. The quiet I thought I would enjoy isn’t here. I feel as if I’m in a mourning of something different than when my dad died. I know I did a good job. I was there when everyone else left. I felt no one could have done better than I did. I felt wonderful the look my dad gave me in the end of knowing I was there and caring for him.
Mom passed away so peacefully in my home. Only regret is I could have said goodbye. She had a stroke and was unable to communicate. I have been cleaning mom’s room out and there is no goodbye love letter to me. There are only evidences of how I was not close to her. I found from a long list she had made of things she had done in her life. So very many were new to me. Why in all my time as her daughter she hadn’t told me these things? My name is only written in mostly instructions for taking care of her affairs when it’s time. My sister and brother are in the fun times and I got this. Yep, I know I’m not the party people they were. I didn’t drink and like to be around cigarettes. I kept my daughters away from that kind of stuff. I feel cheated. I still have plenty to do to settle estate. It’s taken me days to weed through just what was piled in her closet. I finally have it organized. Now I get to divide what money is left to people who didn’t come see her. I get to do all the work so others can even tell me not to bother them unless they are getting an inheritance.
Mom’s dementia stole these years. My caregiving robbed me of finishing my race with her since I am so very tired. I feel bitter at family instead of being able to mourn my mom with them.
I miss my mom. I have missed my mom for a long time. I’ll be glad when I don’t feel like this. This too will pass. Thank you lovely people on this website.
When you said you didn't have peace, that broke my heart for both you and me. I am so tired...
I wish I lived somewhere else and could come and spend time with her and we could talk and she could be my Mom. But she never really has been "to"me just for appearance sake. I would take 5 good minutes. But you know, I've spent 56 years trying
to get it right for her...and right now I feel myself becoming her...bitter and hateful, because not only did she make my childhood demented...NOW, she is stealing MY time with MY children and grandchildren. It's just not fair.
Grief support groups are good, you may want to find one.
Then, once she passed and I began to live more, so many memories came back of both her and my dad of things that had not gone well, things I didn't understand, moods and why did they do that. Slowly, very slowly, those things, those bad memories are ebbing as I have given them enough time and work to get back into the frame of mind and time when they occurred.
Time. It takes time. It sounds as though you have a lot to do, and that the people who could be helping are only sitting and waiting for money. Let them wait. Take care of yourself. Get rest. Go for long walks. Write in a journal when you are upset or angry. Get some couselling or join a grief support group in your area. Box things and mail them. It is an act of letting go.
Again. Time. It takes time.
Mom had dementia for eight years and I thought I was going to have mom for at least a couple of more years.
God was good to my mother and me ( in a way)
I still can’t believe she’s gone.
I took care of mom all those years at our home. It was devastating seeing mom take her Last breath.
All I can say they’re resting and all we have left is the memories.
Sorry about your loss.
sincerely,
Wendy
My life has revolved around both of my parents all of these years. My mother took care of her mother, then her sister. She was always the type of person that would help people or babysit her nieces and nephews. I’ve learned from my mother and I’m the same type of person that she was.
My mother was 91. My father is 96 and now I am back-and-forth to help him as he is all alone in their home. I do all of the worrying, shopping, setting up meds and giving meds, and they’re 2 to 3 times a day. All but two caregivers have abandoned me. I have cameras installed so that I can check on him to make sure he doesn’t fall or whatever. My sister only lives 35 to 40 minutes away. How she puts her head on her pillow at night, I will never know. My life for the last 12 or so years has been constantly thinking about my parents. I work it around my life even though it is hard and I’m exhausted. I’ve gradually been organizing things that were my mother’s and I have lots more to do and feel like I will never get it done. Then, I know my dad won’t live forever so I will be dealing with that. I just pray every day that God gives me strength. Prayers for you.
" I feel bitter at family instead of being able to mourn my mom with them."
The "bitter" is only going to affect you, not them. I was angry with my brothers and their lack of help and understanding, plus some outright negative behavior. I started an email to each one, addressing the issues specific to them. I would often walk away, leaving it as a draft, and come back later to add to it, but eventually just stopped. I realized that sending it would NOT change anything with them, and more than likely would just escalate the negative from them. In a way, it was like a catharsis - I was able to "express" my thoughts and feelings, but avoid the repercussions.
If possible, write all the bitterness into a message (email, document, on paper) and then put it away. When those thoughts and/or feelings of bitterness well up, force yourself to remember the good times you had with mom and dad. It is all too easy to dwell on the negatives (more people complain than give thanks!) and it doesn't help you at all!
Grieve for what was lost. Forget what was or wasn't. As someone else said, although mom's notes kind of implied the others were more "fun", she clearly trusted you to be the one to rely on! I used to get annoyed when mom would go on about how my OB called "EVERY Sunday" (her emphasis, not mine!), but once dementia kicked in and she was moved to MC, his last trip here to "help" with the condo disposal, he visited her once and REFUSED to go back saying he "didn't know what to do with her." Not going to get into what both brothers did or didn't do... clearly in my opinion not enough, and it's like she doesn't even exist to them now!
You were the one there for mom. Rest assured on some level she and your dad were aware of that, even if it wasn't expressed. Miss your mom and dad, focus on and remember the good times and let all the rest fade away!
I believe that coming to terms with the things you spoke of doesn't happen just because we want it to. It's an unconscious process. Cut yourself some slack. Remind yourself often of a job well done. Rediscover the things that bring you fulfillment and pleasure. Surround yourself with positive, affirming people. Find peace in big and little ways. Don't depend on others for that peace. Find it in yourself. It's there.... patiently waiting for you. (((Hugs)))
My advice to you is make yourself happy now. It is all about you.
It was probably almost two years after their passing that memories of them as parents began to return. Some really joyful memories and some painful, but those memories gave me the freedom to be their child again and to realize that I had given it my all when I cared for them. Their response or lack thereof was not the issue anymore.
I would imagine you are exhausted right now. I know I was, far beyond what I realized. It took me a while after their deaths to allow myself to just rest. I felt I had put my own life on hold for a season. I too was the only sibling that accepted the responsibility to care for them. Yet as challenging as it was at the time, I will always be thankful that we had that precious time together. After a while memories change and the good ones seem to be the ones that last. All the "what ifs" and "whys" seem to fade away and you can be blessed that you were the one who stepped up when she needed you.
Thank you for being there for her, for giving up some of what you wanted so that she would be blessed in her final days here on earth.
I'm the Party Pooper to my mother who's always been The Life of the Party. The Fun One to my Serious One. Why? Because she stole the limelight and left me standing in the shadows, which is fine. I'm the one who was 'shy' and poked fun at, while she was the loud and boisterous one who kept everyone laughing.
Nowadays, in old age with her being 93.5 and me being 63, nothing's changed. I'm still The Bad Guy to her fun loving, super outgoing but phony as hell personality that everyone loves because they don't get to see the REAL her behind the mask.
I've missed having a mom my whole life. I've always had a mother, but never a mom. And now, dementia has taken even the sliver of a mother away, too, leaving nothing but an angry, bitter, finger-pointing and complaining shell of a human being in her place.
There is no winning this game, I'm afraid. There is no 'feeling good' for people like us; no real relief or finality once the death certificate is signed. Oh, I'm sure the feeling DOES pass, and time heals mostly everything. But there will always be some residual bitterness, resentment, call it what you will, left over once the dust settles.
I am sorry you are going through all of this, I really am. Sending you a big virtual hug and a prayer that you find peace going through this leg of the long journey, my friend. One day at a time, right?
I realized I am in a lose/lose sort of gain. All we can do is hang on and do the best we can, take it literally one day at a time. Remember the serenity prayer, be nice to ourselves, lower the bar we raise to meet.
Your finding that list reminds me of the latest twist...just a short time ago I was downstairs and on seeing me the words out of my mother were "Get Lost." It's like the sad and tired joke of people saying similar commands to their dogs and in the cartoon the dog says to another "my name is no no, what's yours?"
The 8x10 picture of my absent out of state picture, and another bigger framed one are on my mother's nightstand of late., moved from the end table in the living room. The 3x4" of myself also gone and found in her dresser drawer along with soiled underwear. Don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Don't know if I will miss my mother or not. Even when she was not dealing with dementia she was a controlling and unpleasant human who caused pain in my life, who was not supportive and the ideal person we all long for. I don't have any answers...but I've reached a point in life to realize none of us are alone in these thoughts and feelings...they aren't unusual and someone else has gone through the same thing. Don't forget to take your cut for the executor's fee...you deserve it...
Be excessively gentle with yourself!
My own late mother, born on Halloween wore costume to each trick or treat event till her death at age 94. I am the serious one, never to be seen in a clown costume.
You are writing this message to me. Thank you. I now know that I am not alone. You share so many of my own feelings. Thanks for sharing.
Although I didn't have them in my home, I cared for my MIL and her sister when it was their time. I am now sharing the care of my mother. I know the emptiness and void you feel. It is the precursor of peace, it is the absence of listening for signs of distress, the absence of looking for a new crisis. What is left is the solitary sifting of the remains of a life. Relax. When all is said and done it is all just stuff. Do your best and don't rush it. There is always another tomorrow.
I also share your disappointment that your mom favored others. It can hurt, but I have made my peace with it. Mom is still hanging in there, but I have known all my life that neither I nor my younger sister will ever mean as much to Mom as our older sisters. A friend gave me a clue how to handle that years ago. She told me that mothers are human and that they simply like some people better than others. It happens. It may not be personal. I really did try to be the kind of person my mother would like, but it never took. Once I quit trying to make her love me like my sisters and accepted what she had for me, it was a lot easier.
Part of what you are mourning for is a connection you never had. I gave up on trying to create that connection decades ago and mourned that loss then, knowing that Mom really had done her best to love me. She just likes my older sisters better. They were her kind of people, they understood each other. I was always on the outside looking in, or totally distracted doing things that none of them would think of doing.
You are dealing with both the loss of your mother and the loss of that closer connection that you never quite had. Take your time to grieve, you deserve it.
Then turn to your partner and take pleasure and solace in the one who really knows you as the special person your are. You will always miss your Mom, but you can get a new appreciation of your life with your husband to help smooth over the rough spots. It will take a while, but your present relationship can take the place of a lot of the longings of the past.
I wish you the best as you come to terms with your mother's absence. Remember the good times as you can and try not to dwell on the times when you weren't as close as you would like to have been. You have done what you could and deserve your rest. Enjoy your husband and take lots of time to take it easy and have fun with him.
Like you, i was there. For sickness, surgery, cancer, recovery, Falls. Dad’s death. More falls. Hospice. Recovery. Hemorrhage. More sickness. Mom’s death.
It feels so empty that there is now only a bunch of stuff. No mom. No dad. I want to smell their smells. I want to match their socks. I want to replace the light bulbs and oil the squeaky door. I want them to come home.
You are not alone.
...except for a few small details, I could have written your comment. My experience matches yours right down to them lying on FB and wishing I could match their socks. Thank you for expressing what I couldn’t put into words.
I appreciate it more than you know and more than I can express. I needed to hear someone confirm that I am not a bad person, that it's okay to be angry and okay to feel lost, resentful and unfulfilled. To feel "cheated" is something that happens too. Also, even though I have my husband doing the care with me I feel lonely in an odd way.
I feel all of your same feelings and my MIL is still here. A lot of my anxiety comes from her passing and what that world will look like. In the meantime my every breath and move is for her.
Please keep sharing with this community or to me. I am here for you. Your experience can and already has helped others.
You are grieving and need to allow yourself to go through whatever emotions you feel and take time to do just that.
I am grateful for you post.
Hang in there and take care,
Kim
I think from what you stated you did it from the goodness of your heart and those who don't and did not help will never understand cause if they did they would have been right there with you helping.
I felt like I lost my mom before I actually lost my mom so I totally relate to your comments. I never said good bye either. I'm happy I said all there was to say throughout her life cause her last two years she was just disappearing before my eyes and mom just wasn't there anymore.
I understand your bitterness towards your family as well. I experienced that as well. It's been five years since mom passed and I don't even have a family anymore. At least thats how it feels.
The tiredness that you feel is understandable and you need to give yourself time now to heal. Be gentle with yourself.
I have accomplished a lot in these past few days. My daughter and I will leave next week for family gathering to put mom to final rest. Thank you my dear friends.