Mom recently moved in Senior Living (Sept 2019) and is completely independent other than I take care of groceries, meds, doctors appointments and finances. We discussed the Senior living for three years, her name came up and my husband moved her. Now she is miserable, she was miserable before but she doesn't remember that. She blames me for everything in her life and it is becoming unbearable. She is now five minutes from us before she was 25 minutes away. She doesn't understand that I do everything and she needs to be closer. She won't do anything to help herself. She is on antidepressants, mild diagnosed dementia. We argue when she starts in on me, my Father passed ten years ago and I have become the punching bag. She plays emotional games, it is like she is waiting for me NOT to read her mind properly so she can start crying. Loves to cry, always has. I recognize a lot of her behavior from the past. I have suggested someone come in a few days a week, therapy etc. She doesn't want any outside help. But keeps track of me! I see her just about everyday and talk on the phone twice a day. Its never enough!! Anyone experience this sort of thing? If so how do you all cope mentally through it? Thank you in advance!
I realized how much her world had narrowed and that basically she had very little to do to occupy herself. She was used to doing housework, laundry, cooking, etc. So really all she had to do was sit and brood. She was limited by physical and mental declines and no longer able to sew, paint, draw, all her favorite activities.
After a bit I quit trying to solve her issues or try to offer solutions (I’m a fixer). I would just say "that’s terrible, a shame, how sad," whatever seemed to suit the issues. She would often forget it by my next visit. It didn’t really stop her, but I found that frequent, short visits were better for my blood pressure!
Sounds like your mother has made you the whipping boy, blaming you for what is wrong in her life. I suggest you might seek out counseling for yourself to find ways to stand up to your mom and stop her bullying you. It’s often hard for us children to reverse rolls and become the parent. And even harder for the parent to submit to a child's control. Do,some reading on this site about dementia, it can explain a lot about changes in behavior.
The hardest thing I ever did was tell my domineering father that I was not going to be his housekeeper and he would just have to suck it up and allow outside help in the house. He wasn’t happy but finally submitted.
Thank you very much!
Perhaps narcissistic... etc... personality...
Best Wishes
What you've described sounds stressful and hard on your morale! Your mom sounds very manipulative, and her mild dementia will only get worse. I've experienced something similar and can tell you your mom won't change, but you can!
When I first visited this forum 3 years ago, I was overwhelmed with anxiety, guilt, and the feeling that nothing I ever did was good enough. Mom was a tyrant who manipulated with fear, obligation, and guilt. She groomed me from childhood to serve her emotional needs; in essence a role reversal. I was the parent but with no authority. So I didn't know any other way to be. As Mom's dementia got worse, so did her manipulation.
Through support from this forum, I learned to emotionally distance myself from my mother. I stepped back; way back, sharply curtailing contact (physical and telephone), making myself less available to her; taking care of her needs but very selective about which "wants" I chose to address. Understanding that no matter what I do, it will never be enough. Do a search here on the "gray rock" method of interacting with your mom; it takes some practice but once mastered is very helpful.
The "never enough" mode of manipulation is the carrot she dangles in front of you to get you to do what she wants. We keep thinking if we just keep trying to please them, they will love and approve of us. Nuh uh. Doesn't work that way. Your mom isn't going to use up that currency: it's the most effective thing she has to manipulate you.
Once you begin to implement these changes, she'll notice and won't like it. That's alright. Practice makes perfect. Remember, the sad reality that her brain is gradually unraveling. Arguing or reasoning with someone with a broken brain is useless. Just roll with it. It never gets easier, but you'll cope with it better!
As dementia is progressive, this may be impacting more that it's realised. Really may be time for AL. No point arguing & reasoning if that is the case. Need Doctor's help again to assess, then move her. Just my next 2 cents.
I used visual images to make my smile and little giggles real. So whatever makes you smile is what you should be seeing in your minds eye when she turns on the hate.
I visualize your mom as a little troll with fluffy orange hair and daggers for teeth and nails, she has a big round belly and bum, with tiny little short legs and spindly long arms. She has smoke coming out of her ears and nose and flames when she opens her mouth. She has one little bitty eye and one very large green eye with giant bushy eyebrows. When she speaks she sounds like a bull frog. Just something that lives under a bridge😁
This works best because they are trying to make you miserable and when they can't it drives them mad.
Be prepared for the ugliness to escalate, any changes that they see causes them to up their game trying to get the same results, a very hurt, unhappy you and a self satisfied them. So be prepared and know what is coming. I also will predict what my mom is going to do, it entertains me and stops her hatefulness from hurting me. (As much as possible, I don't think it ever stops hurting that your own mom is set on hurting your heart at every opportunity. But you do get to the point that you understand it is not you and they are to be pitied, from a distance of course.)
Great big hug filled with strength and encouragement for you!
They say when we get older, we become more like children again. It's true. We lose the ability to regulate our emotions, to cope with massive change, and struggle to find "normal". This is complicated by drugs. Anti-depressants have some nasty side effects, and if she's not taking them correctly, can actually compound the situation and make her more emotionally unstable.
She is still proud enough to realize that therapy has a stigma to it, so it's clear she doesn't want that. Respect that.
Set some limits up for yourself too. Realize that she is dependent like a child in some ways but still an adult in many others. She is in Senior Living, and so you need to allow yourself some time to break away, temporarily block her number so she can't call you. Let your family know that you are doing this for a period of time, and give yourself fa Time OUT to do some personal growth. Take a class, focus on your career, and your immediate family.
One day, she will be gone, and you will be independent of her. Use this time to start pulling yourself back, to test your waters to see what you can do. Then, when she's gone, you can look back without resentment but with a bit of gratitude for this gift of goodbye.
One thing I want to add, is that it's perfectly ok to screen her calls. Also to cut the calls off the MOMENT you start to feel like she's having a pity party or starting the blame game. You don't have to give her a reason just that you need to go. Even if she gets mad at first, she will forget about it tomorrow.
(That's why ultimatums don't work, because they don't have the memory to remember them)