Mom is 85, blames me for everything in her life and it is becoming unbearable. How do you all cope?

Do you really need to visit her daily and call her twice?
Finances can be done online. Grocery shopping can be once every other week. If you set up her meds can she take them on her own? If not maybe assisted living might be in line. Doctor appointments? Can you make them all on one day to lessen the visits?

You need to back away a bit. She abuses you because she knows she can count on you being there. Stop being there all the time. If you are there or on the phone and she gets nasty leave/hang up. It really is as simple as that. You just have to get in your mind that it is ok to do that. You are the one with the power here so start acting like it. You get to call all the shots, not her. If she starts crying tell her you will visit again when she is feeling better and LEAVE. You know she is trying to manipulate you. She gets away with all of this because you let her.

You may need to reframe your thinking. Many of us hit this juncture when taking on caregiving responsibilities. It starts out as just a little help. Little by little it overtakes your life, and you can’t figure out why because they are “completely independent” except for...

except for meds and dr appointments
except for finances
except for groceries

Look at that list. Even if that really is all you do for her, there is no way that signals an independent person. An independent person would not need to see you daily and THEN have one to two calls on top of all of those things. That is a dependent person for whom the ILLUSION of independence is being propped up by you.

I am sure others will have some pragmatic tips. I just want to encourage you to re-examine what the real definition of being independent means. Once you see the high level of dependence you are supporting and how that ties into the dementia that has been diagnosed, you might be able to more clearly see the options available to move forward.

It is easy to get stuck in the weeds of caregiving. Sometimes, you just have to pick your head up out of those weeds to get a better view of the big picture.

One of the reasons my YB built an apartment onto HIS house was that he lives 5 minutes away and it was assumed I would step in as CG when needed.

Sadly, we have found that I actually trigger mother's 'bad spells' by doing the exact things a CG does! I try to clean and keep a clear path for her and she tells all the sibs I steal her stuff and throw it away. Of course they know the dynamic and just listen to her. (No, nobody sticks up for me).

I've had to go gray rock with her, meaning, I only see or talk to her when I can handle it. And that's not very much.

Most of the CG falls to YB and although my sisters would help, he has developed a very twisted relationship with mother and pretty much has her in lockdown mode before the coronavirus lockdown.

Mother turns 90 next week. My sister wants all of us sibs to write her a sweet letter and I...cannot. I will get a card for her, it will be nice, but after some of the stunts she's pulled---I just cannot fake a 'sweet memories' letter. I don't HAVE any, really.

I have not spoken to my mother on the phone 10 times in the past 10 years. And you call yours twice a day??? You're better people than I am.

Seniors can act irrational for any number of reasons. Maybe it’s something with her personality or something new. Has she had an evaluation lately? I know that when my LO got dementia she became very difficult. You couldn’t reason with her. And, she’d forget we had spoken, so it was never enough calls in the day. She forgot her medical conditions and would blame me for things I didn’t do. She worried and cried a lot. Someone asked me if she had dementia and I said no way! But, I was wrong. That is what it was. I got her to a doctor where she was diagnosed and later she went on medication for anxiety and depression. It helped her A LOT. The worrying and crying greatly decreased. But, there were still symptoms of dementia.

For me, I learned to adjust my expectations. Rarely can you make seniors, who are suffering with health issues perfectly happy. I asked myself what was reasonable, under the circumstances. Then, I used that as my guide. Setting boundaries and then enforcing them might help. I doubt she can understand or abide by any request to respect boundaries....I’d just make it happen. You are in charge of your life.

First she is not independent. You are providing financial, medical, grocery and social support.

You can stop her from keeping track of you by not telling her where you are or what you are doing when you are not with her. It is none of her business what you do with your time.

Daily visits and twice daily phone calls are her way of tethering you to her. Stop and live your life.

When the blame game starts, stop playing, hang up the phone, leave her place. If you do not play she will get mightily Peed off and act out even more, just strengthen your resolve and exit the conversation.

She cannot use you as a punching bag if you remove yourself from her figurative and literal reach.

It is all about boundaries.

Have you done any reading on Narcissists? She sounds like a text book one.

Have you done any reading on FOG, Fear, Obligation and Guilt? It sounds like you have fallen into that trap.

I have not read up on Grey Rock, but several people here are using it as a technique.

It will be hard, but your life is valuable and you deserve peace and harmony in it.

When we are overly entwined with someone who is too demanding, it may cause us misery and grief. If it’s long-standing, it might not be that easy to just break the cycle. Sometimes, it helps to talk with a counselor who can help us look at things with a different perspective, give us a chance to verbalize our feelings and provide us some tools to help us build new ways to handle the situations. They also can provide support and that’s something we all need at times.

You've done well rounding all the chores (groceries, bills & appointments) into one day.
But it sounds like your Mother is relying on you for 100% of her social & emotional needs too.

Does her Senior Living have activity groups? Has she joined any? Often they refuse but would actually benefit greatly from more social activities. The Manager may need to get involved, to set some goals to help adjust & connect to her new life there.

To be very blunt: you did not make her old. People just get old (that's what I tell my Mum) & it's not your fault. She may sad, fearful or lonely but these feelings are hers. You can't fix them, only she can. Has she ever seen a Geriatrician or Geriatric Psychiatrist? I believe others on the forum have had success with this kind of help.

It is possible to visit & call less & grow your free time for your own interests instead? Is that something you would like?

You have basically got an octogenarian toddler on your hands. Like a toddler, she is throwing tantrums for attention. Ignore her.

Go two days without contacting her. Then try calling again. If she starts another tantrum, hang up and wait another few days then call again.

I saw a fantastic YouTube video with Teepa Snow with someone playing an early stage person with dementia. I went searching but can't find it, sorry. The Mom was refusing to go to her regular coffee meetup or cards & couldn't really explain why. Teepa explained that the lady may be realising she was not as clear thinking as she was. Couldn't follow the conversation or game so well anymore, was ashamed, so insisted on staying home.

I think she was sending other caregivers away also. But she trusted her daughter. Could be herself with her.

It really helped me as my Mum also refuses all attempts at social groups but is bored at home. When in respite care a lovely smiling staff member coaxed her along.

Later she told me she hadn't done anything all day & when I asked about the group I got 'Oh it was ok I suppose'. But I had seen her (she couldn't see me) smiling, laughing & joining in.

So maybe check if you are the only audience to this *pity me* or not?

Are you my twin?! My mum is the same - even the same age. She chose to move to AL a few minutes from us three years ago and has made no attempt to make friends or any kind of life for herself there; she has used vertigo as a reason for giving up walking and expects us to provide all her transport and social/emotional needs. And she is seldom satisfied with anything we do, although she favours my husband and treats him as a surrogate for my dad, which causes tension between us. We got carers in for a short time every week last autumn as we were going away and it was all getting too much for us (we're not young ourselves!), and she played the guilt card about paying for it, but this care has kept her alive in coronavirus lockdown when we haven't been allowed into the building (bliss for me, I am sorry to admit). Based on past behaviour and research we now think my mum is a narcissist and she may have mild dementia, certainly cognitive impairment as both mind and body are seizing up from lack of use. We think she is probably depressed and actually took her to the doctor to talk about it, but she managed to evade the issue and nothing changed. She resists any attempts to help her help herself, while expecting others to help her.

We have reduced the visits we make - and she of course complained to my brother about being abandoned. She sees cleaner, hairdresser, carer most weeks so actually has more company than she did in our old family home. I am seeing a counsellor to try to break the deeply ingrained habits of feeling that it is my responsibility to make her happy and I'm a bad person if I don't do whatever she wants (then drowning in guilt because I can't and feel so resentful) - and actually would prefer not to see her at all, as she is now so negative and aggressive about almost everything. I am sadly dreading the easing of lockdown, as she will no doubt expect us to be at her back and call again, but am trying hard to create emotional distance to protect myself.

I find sites like this very supportive, as they make me see that I'm not alone.

When my sister in law moved in with FIL, he was what we considered independent. Prior to he was living alone, getting his own groceries (small trips at a time), taking care of his own meds, doctors appointments, getting his own meals though most were takeout or dine in restaurants. He really only needed us when he had a surgery and for laundry. His house had been completely overhauled to accommodate him staying there instead of moving somewhere safer. Several lifts installed to facilitate stairs, tons of bars, walkers everywhere, mobility scooter. But he was more or less independent.
SIL and her husband moved in for a number of reasons, one of which was that his falls were increasing.
From there, because she was trying to help, SIL has basically become 24 hour nursing home care. Of the ADLs, he really no longer has a single one with the possible exception of going to the bathroom that he can do without some assistance. And most of the ADLs are completely facilitated by SIL.
I say all of that to say this. Many will take advantage and once you do it the first time, they will expect this everytime going forward. Others have said it, but I'll chime in...boundaries. Her needs do not supercede yours nor do they have to take over your life. You are entitled to your own life and to set the boundaries that you can manage. If she has more needs than can be facilitated in IL, maybe its time to consider AL.

I didn't want to suggest AL as it seemed the last move was recent, but yeah, would be more social. Best of all, others are at her beck & call - you become a visitor!

A good Doctor she trusts may sway her.

Otherwise you join that club, *Waiting For a Crises* to move somewhere directly from rehab. I've been a member for years now.

Nitsirk,
OMG! You have a lot of friends here that understand exactly what you're going through!
Many of us have narcissistic parents, but narcissistic Mothers seem to be prevalent.
Through this site I finally learned that my Mother is a textbook narcissist. After lots of online research and advice from folks here, I am (slowly) learning coping skills.
Going "grey rock " has been the most effective (and hardest) thing for me. Easy to find online.
Start with setting small boundaries. Then stick to your guns!!
I know it's hard, but don't engage in arguments with her!! If she is a narcissist, she thrives on!! You will never win!
I am still struggling with my Mom's verbally abusive behavior, however, there are ways to help deal with it.
God bless!

I had a MIL who people thought was very sweet. She was until she didn't get her way. And the ones who got the brunt of it were the DILs, me being the one who lived in the same town. When Mom started with a neurologist I asked him if personalities change with Dementia, he said no. If sweet, they stay sweet. If nasty, they stay nasty. If sweet and become nasty...they were nasty to begin with just can no longer hide it when the filter's come off.

I do agree that Mom needs an AL. I do agree that you see Mom too much and call too much. I did the daily thing too because Mom was 5 min. up the road. Shevas pretty much into her Dementia by then. We stayed in the common area where there we others to talk with. I never stayed more than 1/2 hour. But if she had been abusive, my visits would have been less. When she went to LTC, it was in the next town so I went every other day. She was well cared for at both.

You said that Mom has been like this all her life. So, she really isn't going to change now, you have to do that. Hope a counselor helps u do this. Good Luck and come back and tell us how things go.

After going through all the stages with two in-laws and my father, my mother was the only one left. She was just as you describe, and was the only nasty one of all four parents. She nearly destroyed my health, home life, and work before I learned to cope. She even convinced a cousin how bad I was. The cousin would call relatives and staff at the facilities (4 in two years) to let them know I was abusing my mother and stealing her money.
My mother started out like yours, but slowly became meaner until I was actually having physical problems from the stress. I jumped whenever my phone rang. I drank a lot.
I finally learned to not engage her nasty fantasies. You cannot win, and it does not really matter what she believes at the moment.
Limiting the negative contact was really helpful for me. I learned to walk away when I could not stand it, even if we were in someone's office. I announced I could not sit there and listen to more abusive fantasies, then left. Forget politeness, this was self preservation.
You cannot make her happy, and it is not your job to do so. You can only control your own actions.
Here's a dirty little trick I used - Mom, I have to go out of town for work for a week. She never knew otherwise since we use cellphones.
Boring advice - It is very important she have a POA agreement at this point. Things will get very hard and stressful otherwise. If the POA is you, keep detailed records and all receipts.
Be honest with yourself that things will not get better for you unless you make them better. My mother is gone now, but if someone had convinced me to go into self protection mode earlier I would be better off.

See a therapist. Set some boundaries with concrete consequences, not to change her which is impossible, but to protect yourself and your sanity. Like others who have dealt with this, you will need a therapist's guidance and support to do this and keep going. I wish you the best.

You cope by cutting DOWN on all the visits & the phone calls & by recognizing the emotional blackmail routine she's laying on you with FOG........fear obligation & guilt. Check this out:
https://positivepsychology.com/emotional-blackmail/

Your mother is not, by the way, 'independent' at all since YOU are doing the grocery shopping, the finances, the medical appointments & the medications! What does she do 'independently'? Use the toilet? She needs to be in Assisted Living where she is paying others to take care of her. Not wanting outside help but needing outside help is another matter. If you make yourself unavailable, then she has no other choice but to be placed in AL. I've told my mother I work full time for years now so that she thinks I'm not available.......if she thought otherwise, what's left of my life would be even FURTHER ruined by her nonsense.

Check this out:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/

Once you're able to identify the games mother is playing with you, THEN you can develop a strategy to take care of YOU and deal with HER accordingly. Until then, you think you 'owe' her and you're somehow 'guilty' of not being a 'good daughter' b/c you've been brainwashed & programmed accordingly your whole life.

Wake up and smell the coffee, my friend. Learn from all of us who have suffered with mothers like this for decades. We're not experts, by any means, but we've learned a few tricks along the way to save our sanity!!

Good luck!

Did you say your mother is 55? Oh my goodness, that is a young age to become so dependent on you. She could live another 50 years and what all will you be doing for her then?

It is also very young to attribute her actions to dementia or "old age." It appears to me that she is totally working you and it wont get any better for you.

Just remember, the more you do for her, the less she does for herself and the less she'll be ABLE to do for herself. We don't want to be so helpful we make our loved ones dysfunctional.

I know, it's very hard. I often am standing near my 93 yo mom when I see, for instance, her dirty dishes are stacked up so I take them for her.

When I think about how very few things she actually "does" in a day, I realize I'm depriving her of some physical activity that she really needs to be doing just so her body remembers how to move.

Good luck,
Charlotte

P.S. I have assigned my mom a couple of chores she likes to tell others about. (Some times to get sympathy.) It's her job to fold the hand cloths from the laundry and to put away the silverware from the dishwasher tray. If she doesn't get around to doing her chores, I never scold her, I just quietly finish the job. There will always be more to do.

As Lealonnie 1 (and maybe others as I haven't look at all the comments yet) recommend: start educating yourself about narcissistic mothers. There is a website called daughterofnarcissisticmothers.com which is very good and there are a ton of videos on YouTube that will really help you.

Yeah, we (those with the narcissistic mothers) are learning late in life. We didn't have the internet. The best we can do is move forward trying to give ourselves a little of the love we never got and never will get from our mothers.

Anyone who regularly takes mind altering meds such as so called antidepressants for as long as a year or more(sometimes even for a shorter period) becomes brain damaged and irrational. I do not know how to cope with a demented person. I do believe I know how to help people to avoid becoming demented. I am 86, strong, healthy,med free, and pain free. I blieve my brain is still working well because I threw away and never filled prescriptions for lipitor, thiazide, and vicodin when i was 62. If i had been prescribed any mind altering substances, I would also have thrown those away.Pure , clean, natural maple syrup is a delicious medicine that all older people should eat daily.it is nourishing and very strongly anti inflammatory.Apple cider vinegar and olive oil consumed daily are also very healing.However, the most important thing is to avoid thinking sadness and or difficulties should be treated with a mind altering pill.I wish I knew how to handle dementia once it has developed. However, I do hope my advice will help people to avoid developing it.

The more I read these comments, the more thankful I am for my incredibly mentally and emotionaly strong loving, protective, and caring Mama. What a precious gift a wonderful mother is to growing developing infants, toddlers especially but also as a role model for adolescents and teenagers.My siblings and I adored our Mama and felt we could never ever do enough to show our appreciation to her.When she did slowly begin to lose her once beautiful mind, even then she retained some of her sweet loving character and personality.How I hope I can be similar to her andnever become a burden to anyone.

I was in the same boat you are in. I was grilled on every part of My Mom's life - bills, money, medicine, shopping, laundry, housekeeping. They want complete control over you and your life because they are your mother and try to make you feel guilty. I broke out in rashes from the stress and stomach problems. My mother told me she was bathing, washing clothes, basic housekeeping and changing clothes. None of that was true. She smelled bad, dirty clothes were piled up in the closet, apartment was a wreck and she did not sort out her medicine or take it consistently. I refused to bath my mother or do her laundry. I was sorting her medicine and visited her once a week. I could only tolerate the visit for an hour and had to leave. Too stressful. She clung onto her checkbook with a tight fist. Had to sit and go through each bill individually and write out checks. The next week she could not recall at all what bills were paidI She have you go through every transaction in her check book. Really??
I found this great company SIMPLEMEDS that sends a FedEX box every 30 days with all the medicines presorted in sealed individual packets labeled for am/noon/pm and what pills are in each packets. Wonderful! If she didn't take the medicine that was on her.
I hired a senior service company to come in twice a week for bathing, laundry and housekeeping. Told Mom she was their boss and to make sure they were doing what they were paid to do. If she refused service that day they would charge her anyway. UhOh that means they will call daughter and tell her that. Their office is located inside the senior facility the lives in! Wonderful.
Due to Covid-19 and not being able to come into the facility, every bill was paid online or used a debit card to purchase groceries (clothes soap,etc- no food) leaving them at the front door of the facility to be delivered to the residents room. I would send her a print out of the expenses from the account once a week. Never commented on anything purchased or paid.
Moved her to a wonderful Independent living facility July 2019. Independent living is just that from the senior living facilities point of view. They check on them once a day and will call you if there is an issue and keep you updated if there is something affecting the entire facility (like COVID-19). If the resident can't do certain things on their own, the facility will give you a list of services with additional costs to help the senior out.
Setting boundaries is a must. You must stick to them. Take control and don't back down. You need to have a life of your own. You need to take care of you first.
They will tell you "I am your Mother" and bully you. No you are not the Mother who raised me. You sit in the room all day and watch television and lecture me based on what the tv says, do not go to any of the activities, do not make new friends, find fault in everything anyone does for them, complains about the food the facility serves (I have eaten there and they have a wonderful chef). It is everybody else's fault on their situation. They are not happy people and they want everyone else to be miserable and agree with them. Wrong! Prayer is very helpful - ask God to give you the wisdom and strength. You will know the trigger points when you feel your blood pressure rising. Change the subject, make an excuse to get off the phone or tell them you will have to check your schedule and get back to them. If they get fussy with you, tell them nicely-calm voice-slowly- you do this because you love them and care about what is the best for them.

I say “I’m sorry you feel that way, would you like me to..., leave / stop visiting you / find someone else to care for you /

she suddenly becomes appreciate and nice. Which can last for our visit, or not.

I think it’s important to not take it personally and remind your self that her brain is aging. Often these comments come from a place of fear, so assuring her that she is in a safe place with many people looking out for her is a good thing.

I found it helpful to separate being the dutiful daughter from being the caregiver. I keep the daughter safe, and the caregiver more effective. Boundaries are a healthy necessity. Creating more of a life for yourself that will help you carry on afterwards can offer more excuses to disengage when you need to. Maybe getting or paying others to deal with groceries, meds, and doctor's appointments may help.
I was just reading that people with dementia make up stories to make sense of failures in memory. She may not be aware of all she is doing. It is also not your responsibility to "read her mind". The dutiful daughter has been relieved of that duty by the caregiver, lol! Especially with dementia, following down the rabbit hole just makes you both mad. I feel for you, good luck!

For one thing, be kind to yourself that you are hanging in there. I’m assuming she’s been this way her whole life... blaming others, playing the victim? Old age and mild dementia make the quirks quirkier, and I respect and admire your willingness to hang in there. I had a similar situation— my mother sounds a lot like yours. I never mastered the skill of not taking it personally. I withdrew entirely from the relationship and let the state take care of her. I don’t recommend this course of action— however, knowing even an unpopular choice like mine is an option, a possibility, might help you realize that hanging in there is a choice that’s in your control, and within that choice there are options for how much you allow her bad behavior to affect you. Whatever you do, please be kind and respectful to yourself. It speaks volumes about your character that you’ve been willing to put up with her at all. Thank you for sharing your story.

Grin & bear it; she may be leaving you a little sum of something so consider that as an award for the situation as she's not changing.

My mom refers to better time in comparison to her life since I moved her in with me. I notice she's forgotten so much and I hate to remind her how tough her life was on her own. sometimes I feel like I just can't do this! But then I discovered the Teepa Snow videos especially her talks on "gems". It helped me a lot. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUb_dUP38gk and teepasnow.com. I am realizing that I can only keep my cool and am not able to make mom think or feel anything and that this must be terrifying for her. Also recently came across the idea that if I am not setting boundaries (making sure I tend to my own life and needs) and mix caretaking with that(no matter what mom says or does - she could be St Theresa! ) - I will feel like a victim. So no matter what, I need to be tending to my own life and make sure that I'm fitting in some fun.

Bad behavior should never be rewarded, no matter what age or excuse. Some times there are things we do not like about others, feel they are not doing right, etc. It is not for us to try and change them but to change how WE react to them. Of course as we grew up we were always taught to obey our parents, do what we were told, etc. But we are adults now and we should be making our own decisions. Your own personal life should come first. Your own sanity. Your own well being. Of course overseeing your Mom is well taken care of is important but it is also important to know when to have others help you, such as services. I found less time spent each visit with Mom when she was in the home gave her more time to adjust to activities there.

Believe me, I went through it, they know what will make others jump for them. Tears, anger, stamping their feet, threatening, etc. After all, they have been doing it for years! Is this true of all.....no thankgoodness, but it does sound like it is what is happening and did in my life.

For each situation, just think....now how would a good caregiver handle this? Then do the same. I do think with your love and care you will have special times together. Take care of yourself first.

This is my world at the moment...Moved Mom from Texas to Washington to be closer. Lives in a 55+ complex but relies on me 100% which is impacting me mentally and physically. Will read through what has been posted....time for me to get help by bringing someone in daily.

My dear you need to set boundaries. She will be unhappy no matter what so it’s up to you to give yourself space. Read the book Boundaries by Townsend. It will transform your life.
I personally would limit myself to one phone call in the evening to chat how her day has been. If you have dropped in at her place that would replace the phone call. Keep your sanity and your emotional health intact. Been there and things are much better now that I’ve set those boundaries!
When my parents were all set to move into a seniors facility my dad up and decided he would cancel the agreement and buy another house. My siblings and I put our foot down and told him to go ahead and buy a house but mom was going into the seniors home. Big kerfuffle but in the end he went in and likes it there but won’t admit it much. They are both nearly 90 and mom really needs assisted living. She refuses to have anyone come in to help. They pay me to do their housework and make meals etc but I really have set clear boundaries. If she ends up falling in the shower, that will be on her. I’ve tried my best.
And my sister who lives 1200 kms away is the golden child who does no wrong 😂