Mom in memory care for 9 months still asks me when she can go home. Do they ever stop asking?

My 94 year old dad has been asking that since he moved to assisted living in 2019 and now in memory care. Makes me feel guilty and he is not aware we are preparing to have an estate sale and sell his house - it's been sitting empty for over 1-1/2 years. Insists he wants to go by there again to visit but I'm not so sure that is a good idea. I couldn't even get him in the house anyway with the stairs and he is wheelchair bound. He has to travel by wheelchair van. But in the next breath he talks about going to Seattle (where he lived growing up). The memory care told me to acknowledge him but move on with the conversation to something else. They take such good care of him and he does not understand the extent of his medical needs and care required.

She is stuck in this particular phase of dementia and will eventually replace wanting to go home with another behavioral issue, like accusing you of theft, or becoming aggressive. I've never heard a caregiver of a LO with dementia say "this is easy" , even when their LO is in a wonderful facility. The emotional challenges you face will continue. But you can be comforted, instead of being guilt ridden, by knowing she's being cared for where she is. Don't feel guilty in providing her with the care you couldn't. We all have our caregiving limits and when we reach those, we look for the next level of help where our LO can live out their lives, because we DO care.

Her telling you she feels like she's in prison is certainly not joking, it's her perception of her environment. After all, MC IS a secured area. So deal with it as best you can, and what you and the staff are doing now is appropriate, knowing “That, too, will pass”.

My LO went from the rehab floor to the nursing home section of the same facility. We told her it was just a "new room" and she would have a roommate for "a while." The whole truth was that her rehab benefits were cut and we were preparing for Medicaid. We had no plans to tell her she was not going home. Eventually, however, we told her we were not taking her home - we were forced into that by a family member who insisted we "be honest." If we did not tell her, the family member was going to. Grossly unfair to all of us. Even after that, LO would tell the staff that all her life-long belongings were at a storage facility (not true) and she would be getting her own place again "probably a small apartment" (also not true.) In her mind, there was nothing wrong with her and all the trouble she had while living in her own home was just a misunderstanding of sorts and let's try it all again?? (Not a chance).

She does not realize how compromised she truly is. And I repeat that to myself often.

Heartbreaking as it was to pare down her prized possessions and sell her house, it had to be done. She could not live there anymore and it's a legal issue when nursing home and Medicaid are in the mix. Just today she informed me that her dear friend had recently been hospitalized, but she didn't go see her friend because "I didn't find out in time" that she was in the hospital. ?????? Nope. Not the reason. She would have no physical means to get to the hospital (other than an ambulette), she would need 100% assistance just to get to her friend's room, and she would be lucky not to have a fall or medical emergency herself while visiting her friend! Sad truth is that she might not even have remembered the visit - even if there was a realistic way to get her there.

I'm so sorry about what you're going through, but you made the right decision. Cleaning out the house hurts so badly as it seems so final.

I also think she thinks she is stuck there because of covid, when she went there from the hospital, they told her there’s a pandemic and she needs to stay there. That was their story. Tonite she said “this should be over soon (meaning covid) and then I can go home”. I just said ok mom. I’m not sure what else to say to her, I can’t say no mom you’re not going home. This is so hard to deal with.

Your mom may never stop asking because her brain is broken. Believe your husband and keep doing what you're doing. You have no reason to feel guilty. You are doing what is best for your mother and it is hard and often unpleasant. Be kind to yourself. It's an adjustment for both you and your mother.

Some people do accept and adapt and some never do. There's no rhyme or reason.

Just don't feel guilty for making that hard decision.

IMO, nobody benefits from dementia; nobody is 'happy' or content, and the wanting to 'go home' is a constant reminder of it. My mother is 94 and living in Memory Care. She constantly obsesses about 'going home', wanting to be 'in her own home', or moving into my home, or having the family (who are all deceased) come take her to live with them, and on and on. She fluctuates with the dementia; one week she thinks she's living in 'a hotel', another week she's lucid and angry as a wet hen insisting she 'doesn't belong' with all the 'idiots and morons' in the MC. It's a no-win proposition for BOTH of us, in reality. I suffer b/c I did what I had to do long ago by placing her in a safe place when she lost the ability to care for herself but was too big a burden for me to care for. She's fallen 73x already in Assisted Living/Memory Care, and is wheelchair bound and incontinent to name a few of her issues.

I don't feel 'guilty' about keeping her safe & secure in Memory Care, b/c she'll be miserable & complaining no matter WHERE she lives. My mother hasn't had more than a day or two of happiness in her entire LIFE, in reality. I do feel sadness and a bit of grief for both of us b/c of the level of misery we're both exposed to on a daily basis, however. THAT is what's sad. There are some people who are happy at my mother's MC; they smile and they're content. And then there's my mother who's snarling and angry all the time, looking to create a problem even when one does not exist. And I am the only child and the only person in her life who gets to be the sounding board for ALL of it. She also refuses to acknowledge she has dementia or that there is anything at ALL wrong with her. Again, it makes for a no-win situation.

Even elders with dementia who DO live at home talk about wanting to 'go home', so knowing that should make it easier for you deal with what your mother is saying! "Going home" is more representative of wanting to be at a better place in time than an actual brick & mortar building, for those suffering from dementia.

My advice to you is the same as it is for me: let go of 'guilt' and know that you're doing the best and safest thing for your mother. Guilt implies wrongdoing. Our mothers are unhappy with their age and with their infirmities, THAT is what we're seeing and hearing, I believe, more than anything. And we're trying to fix that which is unfixable. Set down some boundaries for YOU now. When and how long you will speak with her; when and how long you will visit with her. When you will cut off the visit and/or the conversation when it becomes too toxic. This isn't ALL about our mothers. WE count too. OUR lives matter TOO. You are killing yourself right now cleaning out her house to finance her life in the MC, and still having to deal with the daily questions and complaints. It's a lot. And you're feeling sad, rightly so, so give yourself a break. As long as your mother is safe and well cared for, that's all you can do. You can't fix old age and dementia, much as you'd like to. And that's what this all boils down to, really. Things only continue to worsen as the condition progresses, too. Know that she's in the right place for the staff to deal with her accordingly. All you can do is love her and let her know it.

Wishing you the best of luck dealing with a difficult situation and letting yourself off the hook with the guilt aspect of things.

My mom still asks, but we are at the point where I have no idea WHICH home she is talking about. The one she was in just before I got her into a care facility? The house she grew up in? I think it is because her dementia is at a point where everything seems unfamiliar. She still thinks her parents are alive, too--I don't tell her they are not, because it hits her like they just died all over again.

Yes
but it takes time

Stop feeling guilty. As long as she accepts a calm answer “When the doctor says so”. “After the road work is finished”.
”When it gets a little warmer (cooler)”. And is comforted and satisfied by hearing it.

This is a pretty common occurrence among newly rehoused people with dementia, and normal, and also typically much more painful for caregivers than for their LOs.

After several months, my LO would often talk about how pleasant “the hotel” where she was living was. I was grateful that she was no longer searching for the place where she was born, 90 years before.

I would think it should stop eventually, and maybe if you refer to where she is as home that might help.

My mother occasionally talks about her house where she lived for 50 years and where I grew up, but she doesn't ask to go home now. She's far enough into dementia that she often thinks she's 16 and in her childhood home, so the concept of "home" I think is kind of gone for her. My brother now lives in her house, so I can tell her the house is being well cared for on the rare occasion she mentions it.