In the last 2 weeks she has yelled and blamed me when she bought the wrong candles and slammed her door in my face because she was upset I spent time with my grandkids without her. I stayed away for 2 days because of her abuse and when she asked me why and I told her she denied both incidents ever happened and is acting like I made them up. She knows she has memory issues but this doesn't seem to help me persuade her that she does take out her anger (usually with others family members who kinda ignore her) and bitterness (which has happened since my Father died 6 years ago). She was talking to me this morning like I was losing my mind as I must have "made up" the candle and door incident.
Yep you gotta be strong to do this but nobody is that strong its bloody hard work!
If she is no longer able to take care of herself, her doctor needs to step in and get her into a nursing home.
I do enjoy telling him that he's wrong, but the results aren't worth the momentary satisfaction, so I try not to.
Come here and tell us all about her outrageous behavior. We understand.
Staying away for two days might be a very good strategy with many care-receivers, to make a point about that you will not be treated that way. But as you are finding out, it doesn't often work with persons who have dementia. They just can't learn that lesson. She will remember the feeling of being abandoned but not the reason why. Having lots of bad feelings floating around contributes to more angry outbursts. You can't win!
She got the wrong candles? Try to sooth her. "Oh Mom. That is a shame. Let's go out together and find the right ones. I know how upsetting this is, but we can make it right." She slams the door in your face? That is really a rude thing to do. But dementia takes away the inhibitions that keep most of us polite most of the time. Instead of staying away for two days, which she won't at all understand or connect to her behavior, which she has forgotten, how about coming back in half an hour? Don't bring the incident up.
Join the rest of the family in kinda ignoring her outbursts. Strive to keep Mom calm. Don't worry about who was right (you, almost always) and who is wrong. Help Mom feel that she is loved and she is safe and she won't be abandoned over things she cannot help.