My Mom (78) had a severe stroke 2 months ago and does not want me to visit her in the place she is in. Any advice?

lmk2014, Scott is not being allowed to visit or talk with his mother on the phone by his brother. He's not reading what people are writing him that basically he can do nothing about not being allowed to visit her or talk with her on the phone. We are all concerned about him and want the best for Scott, but he needs to read these resent posts and get into the present about his own future and take care of where he is going to live for his brother will soon evict him from the appartment that he is currently living in.

Go to your mom. She will see you she needs you. Anyone who has had a stroke needs love and support.

"Sorry I didn't read the last page of emails."

Really? Really?

We give you our heartfelt opinions that we think long and hard about, and try to phrase so that we'll accurately convey what we mean, and you don't bother to read them? Is that the truth?

Wow!

But then why should you read them? You only want to believe what you want to believe. Why should you allow other people to try to reflect their view of the truth to you?

You feel like you are talking to yourself? And you don't bother to read what we post?

Just wow!

And I am sure everyone in the building who knew my mother thinks that I have been seeing her. Not one person would think that I have not been seeing her. Not one person. Not a single one. Everyone automatically assumes this. I was with her almost every day. My brother would see her once every two months. Maybe. Maybe even less than that. She would have to take the train into manhattan to go meet him at a restaurant. The second to last time she went to the wrong location. And had to come back. I think anyone would assume that I would have seen my mother in the hospital during her 3 month stay. Anyone. She's my mother! I am not harassing her. Sorry I didn't read the last page of emails. I was living with her for 6 months after being in the hospital. We went to the Queens botanical gardens just a few weeks or months before. I can't even be sure anymore about time. The last 3 months have been a blur. Just a pile of paystubs. And as to her not wanting to speak with me, she told the neighbor who has visited her that she did want to see me. He told me that she asked about me, about whether I was working.

Why doesn't someone say that I should be able to see her? Not one person has said anything like that. Not a single person. Even after my telling you about the situation with my brother. Not a single person has said this. Not one. Even my aunt wanted to know, did you have a fight with her or something? She went and called and asked something about me. I forget what she said but I already put down what she said.

All it takes is for my brother to change his telephone number and for my aunt and cousin to do the same. Also, and I have to keep scrolling back and then to this little box, I didn't say I can't help doing anything. I said I can't help wanting to speak to my mother. or thinking about her. She's my mother! I don't care if she's 78 years old. She's still my mother. We were very close. I don't care about what happened in the past. I did not hurt her. It's strange that everyone here keeps focusing on the same exact thing. Everyone in this building who keeps coming up to me, and they all know me because they always saw us going out together, they assume that I have been seeing her. Not that I haven't.

First my brother won't let me see my mother then he is throwing me out into the street. No one seems to find any problem with that. You don't know how unhappy i have been every day. Going to work, or trying to while I was working. Coming back here, can't call it home anymore, don't want to use that word.

Not one single person has said I should be able to see my mother and that my brother should not be doing whatever he is doing. I was in the hospital seeing her. When she first went in there. Then my brother shows up. The next day she doesn't want to see me. She acts terrible toward me. Then all of a sudden I can't visit her in that hospital. Then she is transferred to a nursing home. They call me to go see her. I go over there. she wants to know if he told me where she was. then i go there and see her, then he shows up again, and all of a sudden she is completely different.

He doesn't care at all about me. He is going to put me in the street. I picked my mother off of the ground, she was screaming. She had collapsed and was lying there for half an hour. Her arm was immobile and burning hot. I don't know what she would have done otherwise. I don't care what the hospital papers said about me, the ones that my brother took first thing when my mother came back from the hospital. I really don't care. I want to see her, and I want to see her right now. Or at least talk to her. And find out why she is angry. At least find out why she won't see me! I wrote him a long letter saying I was in the hospital and I didn't understand what had happened to me. He didn't even call. He kept hanging up. I knew it was him if i picked up the phone and there was a click. I don't even remember what he said when I told him I wasn't accepted into the housing program. I blocked it out.Did he say well you're on your own? You ll have to figure out what your going to do? I don't remember. Then he talked about my mother. First one thing and then another. He said you have money. Then I told him that my days have been cut. I called him before and left a message saying what a terrible company it is. It really is, what other company would hire me? They way I filled out a job application? I couldn't even get a job at mcdonalds. That would be a much better place. This company is horrible.

I've spent hours now on this posting. My mother didn't think too much of internet forums or posts to the samaritans or 7 cups of tea. It's kind of like talking to myself. No one here really understands my situation. I have been posting the same thing for a month now.

Scott, you are obsessing.

You are compulsively, repeatedly trying to call or see your mother, even while admitting that you know it upsets her.

You are repeating things over and over and over to us.

You are hiding behind technicalities. It doesn't really matter to us whether a document is called a restraining order or an order of protection or a mickey mouse certificate. A court found it appropriate to restrict you from your mother. That is evidence of a very serious breakdown in family relations. It no longer prevents you from being with your mother, but you told us it does say you cannot harass her. (Even without a court order, no one should harass a sick person who has asked you not to call.) You are harassing her. Yes, you are. Please stop it.

Stop obsessing about the stroke. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do to change things now. Mother had a severe stroke. She is getting good care. What will be will be.

I still have high hopes for you. I still think you can improve your life significantly. Get housing. Get back into therapy and FOLLOW the treatment plan. Find a suitable job. Not all of this all at once, but one step at a time.

Your mental illness is not your fault. You know something? It is not your brother's fault, either. Stop blaming him for all the problems in your life. And even if your current situation were his fault, obsessing about it is doing you absolutely no good.

Good luck on your next housing interview.

Scott, Jeanne and the other recent postings would appear to be right. Based on what you are posting now, your mother was in fact harmed by decisions you made, and your continued pressure on her to let you back into her life is causing more harm. Not just "annoying" not just "bothering" but really harming her and distressful to her. You have to back off, and stop the extreme and harmful behavior. Blaming your brother may make you feel less guilty but you will do much better for yourself in the long run if you can take a more honest look at what has happened and realize you have done wrong - not out of lack of love, but out of misjudgement - and realize that wrongs can be forgiven. Forgiveness is something deeper than being excused or sharing blame. It is saying I did the wrong thing, thought the wrong thing, but I admit that and will set out to do differently now. It is going to hurt to realize these things, but believe you are loved and will be forgiven, and give both yourself and your beloved mother some peace and relief.

You can care about your mother and her condition as deeply as humanly possible, but the reality is that she needs protection from you right now. It seems like you want to believe that there are exceptions and distinctions and reasons why this limit on your behavior has to be set, that because you care so much and because of other distinctions such as restraining versus protective orders you may and even should actually just keep on going about trying to get what you want, no matter how many times and how forcefully people tell you not to. But the fact is that if you want to allow your mom any chance at all to get better you need to back off and back off now.

Yes, people help you turn in bed if you can't do it yourself, but with hemiplegia, most people can learn to do that themselves. Please, please, please, get yourself on the road to accepting and adjusting to this loss, as devastating as it is, and accept the help you need to stop the hurtfulness of your obsessions over things you cannot change or influence at this time. YOU need this - your family ESPECIALLY your mother need you to do this.

It is because of my brother that I can't see my mother. I really feel that way. I am sorry if I annoyed her if I called her room phone so much, as I just assumed that the ringer was turned off most of the time. I don't know why I thought that.

I call her out of desperation; she will leave the nursing home she is in and go to another place and they the social worker and my brother, or my brother, i mean, won't tell me when or where she will go. Without any reason telling me why she won't see me. The only one who said anything is the neighbor who once said something along the lines that I was responsible for causing her stroke, that she blames me.

Also an order of protection isn't a retaining order. And it does not say that I have to stay away. She went back to court to have it changed when I was in the hospital so that I could come home and live here with her. Otherwise they would have had to discharge me from the hospital to a homeless shelter.

If I had known that the ringer on the telephone in her room didn't have an off switch I would not have called as I did. I am sorry that I did that. Sometimes I would call not even thinking that it was on or that she was able to hear me; I was 99 percent sure that it was off or had been switched off. I was only thinking about that one percent chance. If I had known that it was on all the times that I called I would not have done that. I am truly sorry I did that all these weeks. I never intended to bother anyone much less an elder, much less a person who has had a terrible stroke, much less my mother who I love. I am not obsessing on my mother's stroke or on calling her, I am obsessing on her. And I am not a source of worry; my brother has completely changed everything.

She told her sister, who I knew as Aunt Barbara, which is what we called her, me and my brother from a very early age, when we were kids, that she can't talk about me, she gets upset. She won't even call back her friend, who I took the liberty of calling from her telephone book and who will probably never see again. They were never really close, except for many years ago. I went out with them one time for lunch. She went over and my mother didn't want to see her. She said she was in pain and awaiting medication.

I don't really care about anything except my mother. I want her to know that. No one here can understand. She wasn't in the slightest bit infirm before I came into the apartment and saw her lying on the floor banging on the refrigerator. Not the slightest. She was going to physical therapy the month before at a medical building near here. I saw her doing some exercises with rubber bands. I wish more could have been done. I have not been back there to tell the physical therapist what happened.

I went over there today to Trump Pavilion to try and see her. The concierge was different but as soon as I said I was there for Mrs. Reisman he knew exactly who I was. It's Christmas, and I want to talk to my mother and wish her a merry Christmas. This is the first time I can remember that I haven't done that. No card from Dr. Mondshine, the dentist she saw for many many years, probably because my brother wrote him a letter when she first went into the hospital. I wish I could have seen that letter. The receptionist there told me when I called her back after she left a message.

I don't know how much longer she will be in the Trump Rehab Center for therapy, also. I don't know what goes on there. All I know is that my brother said she has not improved. that's not the same thing as saying that therapy doesn't help her, but that she has not improved. I called the social worker the day she started it, asking if there was any improvement. She said did you know your brother has called 15 minutes ago asking the exact same question? That seems so long ago now.

My brother brought up the subject of my mother. He said she is not doing well. That there hasn't been much improvement. Why does everyone think that when you go into the hospital you always get better? Do people really believe that? The only website that has someone telling a story about stroke like my mother's is on the stroke help website I already mentioned. Did anyone look at that one? It's a terrible story and the survivor really tells it well. But she was only in her thirties when the stroke happened.

I think my mother so wanted to get better. She really did. I can't say she had trouble walking before, in fact she didn't. She had fallen a few times and had to be careful. She had a cane but never used it. Maybe she should have. I didn't think she did and didn't want her to use it. I am sorry that I did that, and for a million other things. Many many things I am sorry for.

I said I get annoyed but I should be thankful that people inquire about her. I never realized she had friends and acquaintences here. For 27 years she lived here.

It's 930 now. I know she is sleeping, but how does she sleep? How can you turn on your side when you are paralyzed? Does someone have to help you to turn during the night? You can't just sleep in one position.

Also, you think I am obssessing here? When I am not on this website I am doing searches for things about stroke. For 3 months I have done that. Really not enough in depth information. In depth relatable stuff. Scholarly stuff mixed in with mayo clinic stuff. Lots of forums, but people talking about strokes they get better from. I think only 10 percent are like my mother. It is the leading cause of disability in this country. Not enough education. I was in a stroke unit the night before and saw a sign with people with their faces drooping. That was it. I should have seen something about the fast protocol. facial drooping, arms can't move, speech, then time to go to the hospital. right away. It's so simple and if I had known that there is a chance she might have been ok. she was having trouble speaking and I should have done something hours before we went to the hospital. Someone should have said something and not just given discharge papers and baby aspirin. I don't even know if it was ischemic stroke. I assume it was.as most strokes are.

Thank you all for your concern. But no one really understands that my brother is a big part of why my mother doesn't want to see me. And you don't understand it's about 10 years past since it was that my mother said he can't even mention your name. we're 10 years past that point. 10 years.

Scott, your brother is in charge. Thank goodness he is available. He is intelligent, educated, experienced in judging health care facilities. He can do what your mother needs done. Of course he is in charge. Be glad she has someone to advocate for her.

Whether your mother came to the conclusion on her own that she isn't up to dealing with you right now, or whether that was your brother's decision, she has had plenty of opportunity to accept your calls or to have a nurse call you, while your brother wasn't around. I think we can conclude as she told you herself, she has nothing to say to you right now.

You say, "I can't help wanting to talk to her." Of course you can't help WANTING it. But you can help doing it. STOP CALLING HER. Are you so compulsive that you can't control your behavior? Then you definitely need (and deserve) mental health help. When you are on a roll of doing things because "I can't help it," that is very scary to other people. It is what leads to restraining orders. That is what leads to nurses and POAs to protect Mother from your compulsiveness. This is what leads to relatives blocking your calls on their phones. For your sake and everyone else's you need to figure out how to control your own behavior. You need to STOP OBSESSING about talking to your mother.

On the one hand you are telling us that those episodes that landed you in a hospital psych ward and resulted in restraint orders are in the past, but on the other hand your behavior is out of control right now, not in the past. You need to accept help, and a treatment plan. You need to follow it.

The restraining order still says you are not to harass your mother. Continuing to call after she asks you not to, and your brother acting on her behalf ordered you not to is harassment, pure and simple. To say that you cannot help it is scary, very scary. I am sorry to say this, but if I were your sister and your mother's POA I would do everything I could to prevent you from finding out her new phone number or location. I simply could not trust you not to harass her.

I sincerely hope that your holiday was not completely bleak, that you had a nice meal, and listened to nice music, read something comforting, or watched something pleasant. I hope you did not waste the entire day on obsessions.

Scott, If you're worried your mother doesn't love you anymore, I can assure you that is not the case. She tried to keep you safe for 17 years. A mother like that never quits loving her son.

Now it is YOUR turn to keep HER safe. That entails leaving her alone with the help of your brother right now. There must've been something pretty powerful in those court papers for him to be acting the way he has been in this situation.

You need to own up to your mental illness. 17 years is a loooong time as an adult to not take positive action on your own part to make your own life.

I have an inkling, from reading a bit about your brother, that he has loved you and wanted to help you from a very young age. People usually don't go into being a therapist for psychosis/bi-polar on a whim.

It's interesting how this bi-sects with what a lot of us caregivers have learned on this forum. After many, many tries to be 'nice', it is necessary to set boundaries with a person who will not help himself. This person becomes so toxic and stressful to those around him that it is necessary to cut off all contact.

Scott, you have become that person. Your brother is trying to HELP your mom by relieving her stress. You need meds NOW that will scale down your psychosis and you need to STAY on them and be monitored by a doctor.

I am not blaming you for the illness you have. It is not your fault. But you can't wallow in self-pity. You are intelligent enough to seek the help you need and overcome this. I don't know if you are emotionally strong enough. I imagine that is the part of your mom and brothers' struggles.

We, on AC, are rallying for you and want the absolute best for you today, and in the years to come. You CAN have a bright future if you take our advice and use the services that are available to you.

I wish you a Merry Christmas and please know you are in my prayers. Prayers are important especially when your mind is troubled. Pray to God for peace of mind and patience. Be blunt with God. He can take it. Ask Him to help you feel better, to guide you and be with you every step of the way. Take the focus off of mom, no matter how hard that will be and ask for a CALM state of grace.

God loves you perfectly, no matter how imperfect you may feel about yourself. He will always be by your side, just like your mom was - but He will ALWAYS be there - no matter what happens in this life.

Also, get to a doctor and get some help. God gave us all intelligence for a reason and that is to help each other.

I hope to bring you some solace. I wish only the best for you, dear Scott.

Scott, this is Linda again. In answer to your comment, yes I have been following your post from the beginning. I wrote to you because I wanted you to know that we need help and there are people in place for us to get it. It's just that we have to make the first step which is admitting we need it. Also, if we are doing something that is upsetting people then we need to take self-inventory, an honest look at ourselves. If we do that and determine that the situation is of our own making then we need to take the necessary steps to alter our behavior. You keep getting negative reactions from your brother, etc. That should tell you something right there. To continue doing things that do not bring about the desired result should tell us something. Take care of yourself.

Scott, PLEASE. We are not telling you to forget your mom, BUT STOP OBSESSING! The poor woman had a stroke for crying out loud. She can't use one side of her body. She has to go to therapy. It's hard for her to reach the phone. Worrying about YOU worries her! Stop being a source of worry to her.

Scott, you need to be on meds that will allow you to put your mom's health in perspective and get your own needs met. If that means taking an antipsychotic, then so be it.

If you were my child and my health was precarious, I'd be frantic, and the worry would impede my getting well.

If you were my sibling and you kept calling, after there was a retaining order in place, and I'd told you to stop bothering Mom, I would be mad as all H#ll and would be looking into taking legal action.

Dear, dear Scott. Re-read what you wrote: "I am sure it upsets her when I call, but what am I supposed to do." What you are supposed to do may be the hardest thing you have ever done, but it will be a gift of love for her: DON'T CALL HER. SAVE HER from being upset. Be strong FOR HER.

Think about this: In just the last day, Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning, Emjo, Veronica, Countrymouse, Jeanne, Babalou, Linda and I all thought about you and wrote you. All the people on this thread in several countries and many cities wish you well.

So...sit down today and develop a strategic plan for yourself. Where do you want to be in three months time, six months, a year? WHO do you want to be? HOW do you want to be? What needs to happen for you to get there? What steps can you take today to make things happen? Take one, just one, today, and another tomorrow. At some point you'll look back and see how far you have come and realize how strong you really are.

And the lady who I had the interview with wasn't a housing contractor. She was an employee of tsi, and intake person for the program. You always have to see an intake person before you can go into a free program or clinic.

Oh and I think my brother meant that my calling her has made her mental condition worse

She was already taking antidepressants. I can't help wanting to talk to her. I called the nurses station and after a wait she came back and asked who it was thats calling and when she learned it was me told me I don't remember, call back later. She can't come to the phone. I always say its her son and she said which son.

Well her room phone is busy and probably off the hook again. I can't even wish her a merry christmas. I don't know what to do. How many times have I said this. I really think she is just doing what my brother said. She will only see me if my brother says it is ok. the doorman was right in saying that.

I can't even remember when I last saw her back in October. I went over there 2 times. They called me from the hospital to say that she was being discharged to Trump Pavilion. I think that was the social worker from Jamaica Hospital. She gave me the address and room number.

I went over and she wanted to know who told me where she was, whether my brother told her. I don't remember, but then he and his wife walked in and I went out to buy her some clothes that the aide or whoever was in her room recommended. I just wanted to get out of there.

And when I came back the next day I think she was completely different. After seeing my brother she was completely different. His wife doesn't even say a word. I have never heard her speak.

He read the papers from the court and from when I was hospitalized. He thinks I am dangerous and will harm my mother. He won't tell me anything, he doesn't want to talk to me.

I am sure it upsets her when I call, but what am I supposed to do. I think my brother isn't telling me the truth. She doesn't want to see me because he doesn't want me to. That is a big part of this. He said Michael is the boss.

This is very upsetting to me. That she took her room phone off the hook. That she is paralyzed. She can't move her arm or hand. Can't walk.

Thank you for the replies. I tried calling my mother last night. The phone inher room does work, she just didn't answer it. The ringer was always on. I never knew that she heard it. Well I know because she took the phone off the hook. I just wanted to wish her a merry christmas. The first time in my life i haven't. I think the nurse on duty was different than the other ones. I don't know what else to say. The hospitalizations and what went on with them was a while back. I think a lot of the reason my mother won't talk to me or see me has to do with my brother.

I tried again and the phone rang. Maybe I';; get to talk to her or see her. I'm sure my brother will be over there today.

Thanks Linda for your post. I don't know if you have followed this whole discussion. My mother won't see me. She is paralyzed. It's really terrible. She was so active. She went out every day. Rode the bus. Really active. Also I think she will be discharged from Trump Pavilion very soon. Maybe this week. And then I won't even be able to try calling her because I won't know where she is.

Hi, Scott. My name is Linda & I am 57 years old. I have just been following each day when I saw you had posted. After reading the latest here today I felt led to share a few things about me. It may not mean anything to you but here goes...I have been fighting depression most of my life. 4 1/2 years ago I had a botched operation that left me physically & mentally debilitated. I went to another state the day before Thanksgiving & then began having severe panic attacks. So much so that I can no longer even think about driving and I am still here one month later. All my belongings are still in the other state. I have so much I need to take care of & feel paralyzed because it's so overwhelming. My son here is getting evicted & I need a place to live. It is winter. It is cold. But now at least I know I HAVE to get mental help & other assistance. And I'm not wild about it because I used to be a strong, independent woman who worked to support herself. Now those days are gone. I don't like all these major life upheavals any more than you do! I will say this...you are lucky indeed to have a loving mother. Mine was not & still is not. Anyway, I am not trying to put the focus off you & on me. Just wanted to share a little with you, tell you I feel your pain and that I care. Life really sucks sometimes.

Good for you, Scott. I am glad you are going forward with the housing application process.

It is OK to tell the truth, Scott, even if it is unpleasant. You have to use your judgment about who has a legitimate reason to know. You are not obligated to tell your life history to everyone. But to an agency that is established to help you, it is OK to say "I am mentally ill and I need help." And to fellow tenants who know your mother it is OK to say, "She isn't improving very much. She won't be coming back here." Of course you do not HAVE to share this news. But there is no shame in telling the truth to people who care.

Thanks for keeping us informed. I look forward to hearing about your next appointment.

Scott, bravo! Call your caseworker on Monday and tell him yes, you were having a bad day. If there's something you don't understand about the housing, please ask the caseworker to explain it again. Explain about your hearing aids and find out how to get them adjusted.

Scott, I'm sorry your brother said that to you. Even if it's true (it could be, it might not be), he must have been very upset and frustrated to tell you you've made your mother worse. He probably was desperate to get you to understand why you can't see her, and came to the end of his rope. People can't speak with perfect tact all the time, especially when they're as worried and stressed out as your brother must be sometimes. Still I'm sorry he spoke harshly. But do you think remembering what he said will remind you not to call the hospital or your other family members so often? I doubt if he intended to hurt your feelings, but he's looking for a way to make you understand how important it is that you leave your mother in peace.

Getting access to the services you're entitled to can be a complicated and tedious process. Listen to your case worker. They're the ones who know how the system works and are there to guide you through it. And if you weren't entitled to the specialist housing, your case worker wouldn't be putting you forward for it. You have a right to this help, you know. You're not getting it because people feel sorry for you, or because you're some kind of pitiable hopeless case. The whole point is that having your own place will help you get back to having a purposeful, independent life. It's the opposite of treating you like a child - they want you to be a functioning adult.

Remember: "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Don't take offence if people who don't know you seem to talk down to you. It's rude, I agree; but until they get to know you better they can't know how capable you are. They just want to be sure that you understand what they're saying; they don't know if you've understood them; so they keep it simple until you show them you don't need it to be - you're not an idiot.

I agree with everyone else, I really can't see the point of telling the housing contractors that you don't have any mental illness. The question isn't: do you have very severe, current mental illness, yes or no? The question isn't, either: do you have mental illness in the same way as the complete basket-cases you read about in the press sometimes?

The question is: do you have mental health problems that make life harder for you? You've told us yourself that you have, so we know that the truthful answer to that is "yes." Why on earth would you bother to deny it to anyone else during a private conversation? No one is judging you. They want to know what you're having to deal with, that's all. There's no point in telling them anything other than the simple truth of it.

I wonder. Could you tell the housing contractor that you attend your clinic as an outpatient, and that you receive help with [whatever diagnosis it gives on your file]? That is one objective truth that you could give the housing contractor without having to work out for yourself all the subtle distinctions. At least it wouldn't stop the interview in its tracks; and then, if the contractor needs more information, he can ask you more detailed, nuanced questions that you might find easier to answer.

You love your mother, and you miss your life with her. Of course you do. That is where you are, and I'm sorry that it is so sad. And? What next? You can't stop there because the world doesn't. You can't not answer the 'what next' question because there is always something next. So what do you want to come next?

Well done Scott - you are facing your reality. Help from an agency to get into housing has to beat a shelter. You are facing a totally new life and a totally different life.

All of us have lost one or more loved ones and we know it is hard. Many of us have loved ones who have or have had strokes. My father did and it eventually led to his end. He had many mini-strokes, but each one caused irreparable damage which accumulated. I loved him very much and miss him and I know you love your mum and miss her.

Moving on after such a large change is difficult, but doable, and you are doing it. It is a matter of looking after yourself. No one thinks the worst of you for admitting where you are at. In fact, it takes strength to do that - to face the realities.

Like Jeanne, I would like to take you out for a cup of coffee and give you a hug. Hey, I would even spring for a meal. (((((hugs)))) to you, Scott, Keep on, keeping on - moving in the right direction. Blessings

Well I'll tell them anything. It's got to be better than having no place to go. I was a little confused. The case worker said something in the car ride back about going to another 3 appointments with housing contractors. I really don't know how this works. Can't even get past the first stage.

I made a mistake and put a sign in the elevator about my mother's stroke a ways back. Now people I don't know everyone comes up and asks me how she is doing, whether she's improving. They know me because they always saw us together. It's just really sad just thinking about that now. And what do I tell them no she is paralyzed and in a wheelchair? I just say she's still in the hospital.

She must be very very upset. Very upset that she hasn't improved. No improvement whatsoever. My brother said my trying to call her has made her worse. I'm sorry she's my mother and i love her. we went out together every single day. every day.

Don't be turned down again. Face the truth, then tell the truth. Denying what is obvious to everyone else is hurting you. Accept it. Get help.

It was not an insult. I was not accepted. You have to apply for the housing program and be interviewed by an intake person. The location of the office was different from where the clinic is. If I am turned down again that's it. They don't just take you to see an apartment. It really doesn't work like that.

It wasn't an insult. I don't like being treated like a child. I could get to the office just as easily as I could get to the clinic.

Scott, accept the housing. You do NOT want to go to a homeless shelter.

Your mother has not made gains in therapy that you would have liked her to make. That's not your fault. You apparently would like for things to go back to the way they were. They can't . They won't . There is a new reality now, and the fact that you can't accept it and move forward is prima face evidence of the fact that you are mentally ill.

You can't change your mom's condition. You can't change your brother's mind about his attitude toward you.

You can't change your mom's financial situation, which is that she needs to liquidate her only asset ( her apartment) in order to pay for her care and eventually qualify for Medicaid.

The only thing you can change, Scott, is you.

These are the sad facts, Scott, and you need to face up to them. You have some help in navigating the housing problem; you have a caseworker who is still willing to help apparently. Yet you seem to take it as an insult that he offers to drive you to look at an apartment. You are not going to win many friends or allies with that kind of attitude...yet another piece of evidence of your disordered thinking.

Yes, you can turn down the housing and all the other help you've been offered. But then you're going to have to figure out how to shelter, feed and support yourself during the coldest season of the year in a fairly heartless city. My best wishes to you, Scott.

It would not be right now anyway; it takes a month or two. They told me they would get me another interview for next week. Say you were having a bad day, they told me. And if I am not approved this time, there will be no choice. Yes I have heard a lot of things about homeless shelters. Drug dealing, you can't sleep so how can you wake up and go to work. I talk to people where I work.

Scott what part don't you understand about saying you are mentally ill in order to get housing RIGHT NOW, that is of course if you prefer a homeless shelter which from what i hear can be little better than a prison. Do you want to have to put the legs of your bed into your shoes to prevent someone from stealing them?

No, there has been no improvement. None. And I will have to go into a homeless shelter if the mental health housing does not accept me. I was not approved as I am in denial about my mental illness. They told me you have to say i have mental illness and i need help. My brother told me that I have to go into a homeless shelter. That's all.

Scott the only thing i have to add is that if you accept your mental illness and take the medications it will get you somewhere to live now. A roof over your head and probably the essential furnishings. YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAY THERE FOREVER. You don't even have to take the medication ofrever if you don't want to. Mental hospitals do not keep patients if they don't need to be there. Those beds are far too valuable to waste on someone who is not mentally ill.
can you see it as a way to get out of your current situation, calm down and work out what you are going to do.
you have heard Country Mouse describe what is happening to her mother. I understand why your brother is upset with you. You have forced your mother to live in poverty all these years when she only had her SSI to support you both so she could care for you. he does not want you to see your mother and put more stress on her. He would like his mother to live a little longer and she is working hard to do that. he does not want to see her have another possibly fatal stroke by you upsetting her. if you ever want to see her alive again and talk to her you have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and take the help that is being offered even if it means following rules you don't agree with. That is the way the social services system works. So go to it Scott you have the tools to change your situation. You don't even have a car to live in on the streets and it gets pretty cold in NYS and you don't even know any other homeless men who can help you find a warm place to sleep and which dumpsters have the best food.

Scott, my heart breaks for you. This is all so bewildering to you and you have not had good preparation for being on your own. I want to give you a motherly hug and pat your back.

Three things about you are pretty obvious from your writings:
1) You are intelligent
2) You are educated and articulate
3) You are mentally ill.

There are mentally ill people in my life. Most of the time they function pretty well. Sometimes they need special help. They are valuable worthy people, all of them. So are you.

Many -- maybe most -- homeless people on the streets are mentally ill and for one reason or another are not getting the help they need to function as well as they can. Please don't join them. Many cities don't have adequate help -- not enough case workers, no special helpers. Please take advantage of living in NYC.

Your brother may be a gold-plated jerk. Or he may be practicing tough love with you. He knows you need to function now without your mother. Maybe he is trying to force you to face that.

You cannot change your brother. Please take care of yourself. Accept that you have mental health problems. All the agency to obtain the diagnosis from your hospital stays. Accept the help you need and deserve.

Hi Scott. I haven't been in touch for a while because - well, it's interesting really - because now we're in the same boat. My mother had two strokes on Sunday. The first one was frightening but seemed to be resolving, then twelve hours later, when we were already in the hospital, she had another, much worse one.

So at least now I can tell you what condition a person is in soon after a major stroke.

I know you'll think I'm lucky because I can visit my mother and talk to her. So I can. But I can't really talk to her, and she certainly can't have a conversation with me. She needs sleep and rest, so all I do is sit quietly by her bed and read; and one of the nurses showed me how to use little sponges to moisten her dry mouth, so I do that too. I found Barbara Kingsolver's book "The Lacuna" waiting on the shelf at home - it's been there for ages and I haven't had time to open it. It's a good, thick juicy work by a really good author. I'm probably not giving it the attention it deserves, but when all you can do is wait and see it's good to have something else to concentrate on.

I tell her I'm there, and that everything is ok, and she mustn't be afraid. This is true, because whatever happens to her she has good, caring people around her who will make sure that she is not frightened or left in pain. I'm not making her any promises that she'll get better because we can't know that.

She is more or less paralysed down her whole left side. Her hand is curled in, which is probably a bit like having cramp and might be painful, but when I ask she doesn't answer. I expect she is so tired all over that she wouldn't notice her hand. For a while she couldn't swallow, but that has settled a bit and now she is being given thickened fluids. They add a kind of colourless starch - not cornflour, but like that - to her drinks so that they don't go down the wrong way and make her choke. It keeps her safe, but it feels disgusting - like drinking glue. She has compression socks on her lower legs that automatically inflate and deflate to massage her and stop her blood from clotting because she isn't moving around. The machine they're attached to makes a noise like a farting donkey, once or twice a minute. I couldn't stand it. I feel sorry for the three other people on her ward. I don't know how they can sleep for all the machinery beeping and buzzing and humming. She has a tube with two soft plastic prongs that go one in each nostril to mix oxygen in with the air she's breathing. Her heart function is very poor anyway, and her brain needs oxygen badly to recover, but she hates the tube and she hates feeling the air puffing into her nose. In her sleep, she reaches to take it off so I gently move her hand away from it. She would probably understand why it's important to keep it there if she were awake and thinking, but in your sleep it's natural to try to get comfortable - you wouldn't be dreaming "my brain has suffered a massive insult and needs more oxygen so I must tolerate this unpleasant sensation."

My daughter came with me to the hospital yesterday, and we were both relieved to find mother awake for a while. My mother was pleased to see her, then said to me: "Do you know X--? She's my granddaughter." We all thought it was funny but we didn't laugh at her. And actually I think my mother couldn't see me properly, and perhaps she thought she was introducing my daughter to one of the nurses. Most of the time she can't speak intelligibly at all, though - you can understand the occasional sentence, but the rest of the time she can't make the sounds loud or clear enough to be understood. I don't want her to waste effort on it, I'd rather she rested, so I just tell her she can tell me later.

I'm not telling you all this because I suppose it will make you feel better about not being able to see your own mother. Of course I don't. In fact, I'm afraid it could make you even sadder that you can't, though I hope not. The point of describing so much detail to you is to explain that I can see for myself now that there is no way your mother could comfort or help you after her stroke. She would have been totally helpless, unable to do anything except concentrate every scrap of her energy on healing her badly injured brain. I've seen for myself that I mustn't disturb or excite my mother, or even stay too long because that would make her try to wake up; and don't forget that I'm my mother's main caregiver and have been for years. She wasn't looking after me before, I was looking after her, and my company is still too much for her to manage right now except for short visits.

By now, your mother will have improved to a certain extent; but you need to understand the depth of fatigue that people endure after a stroke, and how long it lasts. I hope your mother is making good progress, but even if she is she will still be desperately tired. It takes much longer than three months to recover, and some of the damage that has been done to her brain will never get better.

You just have to wait and see. There is nothing else for it. Your mother will continue rehabilitation, and I hope it will go well for her, but you cannot count on it. She may be just too badly injured to recover well. She may even get sick again. You cannot go into suspended animation waiting for your mother to get back to normal because that is the one thing you know is not going to happen. Nobody comes back that completely from a severe stroke. So you have to find something else to concentrate on, and wait and see what happens. No one has any choice about it. That's the way it is. And now I know, I'm not just guessing, because I'm dealing with it too.