I am very upset. is in a place called Trump Pavilion in Jamaica, Queens. The stroke was severe and I heard from my brother, an attorney who has power of attorney and proxy status that she has had very little improvement over the course of her therapy. She can't move her leg, let alone walk or stand, and her arm is totally paralyzed. I am going crazy not seeing her or speaking with her.
I can see your cousin's point of view about your aunt, can't you? Don't call your aunt again. But how do you normally get on with your cousin? Is she somebody you can talk to?
Okay. You don't want to talk to your brother. You don't want to be taken care of by the state. I realise that you want to talk to your mother and go back to living peacefully with her, but you know - you know for certain, don't you - that that is simply impossible. It's just the same as if she isn't here any more. You know, too, that most children at some stage have to face their parents' dying before they do. You were always going to have to face up to losing your mother's support at some point.
Now, of course that hasn't happened yet. I really am hopeful that your mother will recover somewhat and be able to enjoy the rest of her retirement living somewhere where she'll be taken care of. It's not impossible that at some stage she will be well enough for you to visit her, though there is no knowing when that might be. But you know that she is now too old, and too frail, to go back to how things were before. So you know that your life is going to be different.
So, again, if you don't want help from the state or from your brother, you're going to have to make plans for yourself. You have plenty of time to do this. It probably doesn't seem like it at the moment, but years from now there is no reason why you shouldn't have an independent life where you feel content and comfortable. It's just that it's going to be very hard work getting there. Where do you think you might start?
The friend of my mother, and that's what he was, he has been working here for 21 years. And she has been in the building since 1986. I think that's 28 years. I had to correct that. I am getting old too. I never realized it, or ever even thought about it.
The doorman was very upset. I had called him many many times, and left many messages. He said he doesn't want to get in the middle of this. He called her up to see if he could visit.
It's going on 3 months now. My mother's clothes are all still in the same place. All the laundry is still in the cart where she left it.
And I can't even talk to her? And I have to talk to strangers over the internet? To have somebody to talk to? To tell how I went to the pizza place where I used to go with my mother all the time? And to the store we used to go to? I can't even talk to her? She s handicapped and going to be a cripple for the rest of her life? Her brain was damaged? She probably couldn't tell you how old I am? I picked her off the floor after she was lying there for I don't know how long and made some terrible sounds? This has happened and I can't even talk to her? The social worker all she says is when she's ready? She won't even tell me if she gets medication? They don't even have my name down on the list so I can get medical information?
Since you don't know what else to do, start small. And by the way if you don't know how to deal with laundry, come back and ask and we can talk you through it.
Some of what has happened is entirely out of your hands and you can do nothing to change it. You won't talk to your brother although he is the one in charge of your mother's business and may be able to give you some news about her.
But there are things that you can do to reduce your anxiety. You have come to get support here. Many of us are here because we do not have much support for our situations in other places either. Can you pick one thing which would help you and work on that?
You are grieving the loss of your mum's company and support and it is a big loss. I am so sorry, Scott, that you are going through this. It sounds like your father was a very accomplished man. No point in rehashing the "should have's" and "if only's". You can only do whatever you can today.
Keep in touch and let us know how you are. ((((((((hugs)))))))
I expect you are right about the stress making you feel chest pain - it probably is literally the tension of the situation. Do you ever practise any breathing exercises? They can be really good for making you slow down and feel calmer.
Agree with CM. Too many calls will put people off. Answering your brother's calls might give you the info about your mother that you want. On the other hand I guess you are so angry at him you don't want to talk to him. You know, what happened to your mum as all that has ensued is not his fault. It is not your fault, it is not anyone's fault. Stuff happens. What matters after that is how we deal with it. The ball is in your park.
Your mom had a stroke. You didn't cause it.
Your mom wasn't given the clot busting drug ( neither was my mom). We're not doctors.
Your family and friends get upset when you call them repeatedly. THIS you have control of.
You're not taking calls from your brother and social worker, the two people who can help you.
You don't seem to desire constructive advice or direction, so I'll not waste my breath giving you any. I wish you well.
Well. When one door closes, another one opens. This is what you should do. Call your social worker, and tell her? him? what has happened. Your social worker will be glad to help you find other occupation to fill up the time that your manager is having to cut back on.
The reason it's best not to hassle your manager is that if he is having to reduce staff hours this is not a good time to piss him off or give him a hard time - you'll just make things worse. You ought to be talking to your social worker anyway, so put in a call. Don't be negative about it, either. There may not be anything else straight away, but so what? You still won't have lost anything. Best of luck, let us know how you get on.
The weather is really rainy in New York. The manager said to give him a call tomorrow. I have tried my mother's room phone several times. Someone answered the other night, around 630, told me she was in the dining area. I've looked at the website for Trump Pavilion and there is a picture of this; it looks nice. Someone who posted seemed to be familiar with this facility. Maybe they could tell me what it is like in there. I have only been over there twice right when my mother first went in.
I don't think I've ever felt this bad in my life. Only 2 days per week to work. I had called so many times from the work location. I just lie down. I feel like I can't move.
Thanks to all who responded. I am sorry one of you doesn't want to post anymore. Your posts were probably the most helpful. And you don't know about went on that night I called for the ambulance. I mean that I could have called much earlier, when she couldn't stand, or hold the phone, or talk on the phone. I should have called 911. She got better all by herself the night before; I thought nothing had happened and the hospital was over reacting. They wanted to keep her there 3 night for tests. I asked if she could go out right away. It's too late now, and I don't even know what type of stroke it was, but I think she could have been given the medicine if I had called right away.
No one to call, no one to talk to. No one to come here anymore. The poster who was signing off was just like the doorman here, my mother's niece who blocked the phone, the other neice who tells me she going to go visit my mom but doesn't, even my aunt, who is 82 years old, who just tells me she hasn't heard anything from my mother and then says goodbye. I am afraid to call the nurse's station and ask to speak to her.
Call the social worker and do it now.
Call your brother and ask for help.
You can call the nurses station but they won't let you talk to your mother but you can ask them to give her a message. Just tell her you love her and are thinking about her and leave it at that. No questions, no whining just tell her you love her. You could even do that every day but only once. Do you understand.
Are you just going to lie there and wait for someone to come in and find you dead from not eating lying in your own filth?
You are a smart man all you need to do is make one phone call even 911 is better than nothing. You are comitting suicide by neglect is that what you want your mother to hear?
You are so unkempt by now I doubt they would even let you into the facility in that state.
Does anyone even want to sit next to you on the bus?
You are a fifty year old man and you have severe mental problems that can be treated so make Mom and us proud
I have severe tinnitus or I am hearing noises, I can't be sure which. Please don't ask me to call my brother. I sometimes think that he is a big part of the reason my mother won't talk to me, as sick as she is, and she is still very sick. At one point I asked someone on this forum to call her for me. I don't know what else to do. I could call myself but I doubt they would relay a message to call me.
I just feel so bad, like so many times when I had to get up and go to work in the morning. I felt like I couldn't get up. I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel so bad right now. No one to talk to, except by posting to this board or emailing the samaritans. My work schedule I can't even talk about.
Please don't be condescending or angry. No one is going to find me dead from not eating. I weigh at least 220 pounds. I am not a skinny guy. Please don't be angry with me. I need help. I need someone to talk to. I need to talk to my mother. Sitting here in this empty apartment for 2 months is making me crazy. Not knowing where my mother is, or how she is, or why she won't talk to me is too. Please don't be angry with me.
You exaggerate and you don't seem willing or able to face the truth.
No one from this forum would call the facility for you. You say, "I don't know what else to do." Yes you do. We've told you. Write mother a nice note and mail it to her. Have you done that even once? See, there is something else you could do, and you are not doing it.
You say, "I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel so bad right now." Yes you do know what is wrong with you. You are mentally ill and you are facing an extremely big loss in your life. There is no disgrace in that. People who are sick need professional help -- whether they have diabetes or gout or mental problems. So get help!! To make this very simple, start with the one professional who is trying very hard to help you. CALL YOUR SOCIAL WORKER.
You say, "I need help. I need someone to talk to. I need to talk to my mother." You absolutely do need help. You do need to talk to someone, but not just any someone. You need to talk to someone who can start the process to get you help. I understand that you want to talk to your mother. But you can't. You cannot talk to your mother at this time. Please accept that, and talk to someone appropriate. CALL YOUR SOCIAL WORKER.
You say, "Not knowing where my mother is, or how she is." That is not true. You know exactly where she is. You have her address. WRITE A SHORT NOTE TO HER. You do know how she is. She is very seriously ill. She is paralyzed. She cannot deal with any drama in her life right now. You don't want to accept how she is, and who can blame you? But you do know how she is.
I am not angry with you, Scott, but I am getting very frustrated that you aren't doing what you need to be doing to help yourself.You are mentally ill but you are not stupid and you are very articulate. If you sat down with the right person you could explain yourself well, and that person would have a good starting place for getting help for you.
Here are some additional clues: The right person to talk to is NOT your apartment super. It is NOT your aunt and it is NOT your cousins. It sure as heck is NOT your boss. Talking to us may be somewhat helpful to you, so keep doing it, but it is not substitute for actually talking to someone who can help in practical ways. CALL YOUR SOCIAL WORKER.
You feel very bad. I feel very bad for you. I wish I could hug you, sit in a nice coffee shop with you eating a special pastry and drinking fancy coffee, and using a cell phone to make an appointment with your social worker as soon as possible. I wish I could do that. The closest I can come is to urge you call your social worker. You deserve help. Please take the first step to get it.
Why not start writing your thoughts down. You are very articulate and write well so fill up your time. Just write what is in your head then later go back and read what you have writen and pretend you are reading something someone else had written and think about what advice you would give that person.
Scott, I hope you realize that we are mostly ladies of just about your mom's age. We are telling you to do what your mom would tell you to do if she were well enough and probably in truth what she's been telling you to do for the past several years. CALL YOUR SOCIAL WORKER.
I also went over to my workplace, or my former workplace, since I am only working there 2 days now. It's really slow now. I think someone told me when I started that things would get very slow right around now.
I also went over to the nursing home and bought some flowers at a store by there and dropped them off with a card to the conceirge, i think he's called. He really does not seem to like me very much. The phone in my mother's room works, I think; I got a busy signal before, but the ringer is probably off. I wanted someone here to call over there for me. No one really wanted to do that. I keep listening to the message my mother left on the answering machine the day she had the stroke. I'm well enough to go home, she said. Bring clothes and come pick me up.
Thanks again to all for responding.
You did well yesterday.
You went to see the social worker so now she knows you need help. You brought flowerd and wrote a note to your mother.
Well done Now you need to start answering your phone especially if the Social Worker calls.
A very good start Scott Mom will be proud.
Don't worry about the concierge. You possibly make him a bit nervous, but it won't be that he dislikes you. Why should he?
I know it probably doesn't feel like it but you are already doing better, you know. And I think that is very good work indeed. Keep posting, please.
Calling the hospital would be not to find out information over the phone but to speak to her and ask her to allow me to contact her. This is ridiculous, over 2 months with no contact. She had a really bad stroke, but we spoke every day for 17 years. Every day. Even when I was in the hospital I called many times a day. Many times, starting at 7 am. It would be just to talk to her, not find anything out.
My brother came over the other night, to pick up the mail including the maintenance and other bills. He told me if I don't go and get the mental health housing, that the sheriff would come and evict me. I've not been doing anything for 2 months except going to work and pretending everything is ok, calling the hospital when they didn't know it was me.
I really don't even know if the guy at the reception will deliver those flowers and card. I really don't know, and I wrote in the letter and card begging her to call and she hasn't. I begged her.
But even if he actually liked you a lot, and perhaps felt very sympathetic to you, he STILL would not be able to let you in. He would be fired, quite rightly, for wilful negligence. So by doing you a favour he would lose his job and find it very hard to get another. How would that be fair on him?
Don't worry about his feelings one way or the other. Leaving your mother to one side, the concierge is safeguarding everybody who lives and works in that building. Let the poor man get on with his work.
Your mother, having had a severe stroke, is probably not able to open and read mail on her own: somebody will be helping her with that. I would like you to think this through. Imagine that you are responsible for looking after your mother, and flowers with a message arrive from someone who is legally prohibited from harassing her. You have to make sure that she is not upset or distressed, that's the most important thing. So what would you do?
This is what I'd do. I would show her the flowers and arrange them where she could easily see them. I would tell her that you sent them with your love. I would open your card and show her the picture. I would then read the card and read aloud to her any message that I judged would make her happy. I would NOT read aloud to her anything that would worry or upset her. And, listen, that would certainly mean that I would NOT give her any message that made her think that her son needed her help and made her feel bad for not helping him. So I would not tell her that you were begging her to contact you. Sorry. That's a definite "no."
You want to talk to your mother, of course you do, so would I; but you don't need to. You can deal with this without her. In fact, you're going to have to whether you like it or not. I know that's really hard, but it's just true.
So. It sounds as if your brother is giving you as much time as he can to get sorted out. You need to arrange somewhere to live. He's told you to contact people who can help you with that, and he's right. You also want to sort out how to look after yourself, and what to do about working and keeping yourself healthy and busy. Your social worker and the clinic can help you with that, but you need to talk to them and you need to listen to what they say. They can't do it without you.
You should stop wishing to go back to a situation that weighed far too heavily on your mother. You need to help look after her now, and you can do that best by looking after yourself so that she has no further cause to worry about you. It's time. Have a better day today. Just pick one task and get it done. It's up to you.