I have DPOA over mom with dementia. She wants to revoke DPOA and give it to my nephew. Can she?

I'm trying to figure out how this works in practice - I'll theorize rather baldly and see what people on this thread think. Obviously, a disabled person has rights and they might well want not to go to a nursing home, or similar. If they can care for themselves, or pay themselves for the kind of care that they prefer, so that the law won't come down on anyone else, then of course that is their business. BUT, what happens when that disabled person can't do this? Do they have a right to demand that anyone else, including family, come forward to make their preferences possible? Suppose the family says we will contribute to care in a facility, but we will not take you into our home. Gov't says the disabled person can't continue to live without caregiving because they are a danger to themselves or others, Now how on earth do you balance all these "rights". No problem as long as you have money or are physically capable of caring to yourself. But what happens if you don't? Can others be compelled to involve themselves? Frankly, there are people out there no one would take into their homes or lives voluntarily. So what happens in these cases? Any ideas?

Rovana, I was trying to figure out how to write exactly what you wrote. This is the exact reason people, BEFORE they are incapacitated (either mentally or physically), need to make their wishes known TO MORE THAN ONE FAMILY MEMBER and plan ahead financially or by insurance purchase, so loved ones aren't being thrown under the bus by having to make choices that may, or may not, be made in the best interest of that person. It just isn't fair to saddle one person with all of the responsibility, yet none of the support.

Yes, Rovana asks the pertinent questions, and yes purple makes the good point that if we want to have our choices respected, we need to make the necessary preparations.

Individuals' rights do conflict. Preparations don't cover the unexpected. So sometimes, often perhaps, the ideal is not achievable. You can only try to get as close to it as you can.

It takes two diagnosis of incompetence for it to stand,
maybe one on the outside, that said she needed 24 hr. care
and the one inside her facility.

In Illinois, they have to be somewhat together,
They administer a cognitive test and an interview.

A memory care AL facility can solve a bunch of problems if you can't afford round the clock help at home. Sometimes it's the only option. If your loved one wants to be in an AL facilty, they'll see things in a positive light. But if your loved one complains they are in prison, remember: in many ways, a memory care facility IS like a prison. And the farther down the dementia road they go, the more like a prison it will seem. Most of these things are necessary to keep your loved one and others safe, but if you have dementia, you don't know that.

You can't leave when you want to, the outside doors are usually locked but your bedroom door will not lock, they tell you when and what to eat. Some places won't let you keep food in your room and the kitchen is locked, so you have to ask permission for a snack. You can't have any money of your own. If you want to buy something, you have to ask someone to give you your own money or to buy it for you. Your stuff disappears--it must seem that your family jewels (now in a safe deposit box somewhere) have been stolen; your favorite sweater turns up on another resident, who must have stolen it (laundry accidents are frequent or maybe it was stolen).

They tell you when you have to take your meds and often make you "open wide" to prove that you swallowed them. People beside the doctor you remember will prescribe meds for you that have side effects you don't like but it's hard to get them changed. If you decide you don't want to take these unwanted meds, you are labeled "noncompliant" and they try all sorts of tricks to get you to take your meds, including waking you up in the middle of the night to give them to you when you're half asleep.

If you need help with personal hygiene, strangers will watch you pee and will often take off your clothes and touch your private parts without permission. This is bad enough when you know you've soiled yourself. Imagine if you're unaware of it. People sneak up on you in bed at night and put a hand in your underwear. (They're making sure you're dry, but you don't know that.)

You'll be living with a bunch of crazy people who howl and scream for no apparent reason. With bad luck, you can share a room and bathroom with one of the crazies. If you get lucky, you might like your "cell" mate. If you have money, you might get a room all your own.

I observed these conditions when my husband was in assisted living after his stroke, before he was able to come home. At least he remembered who I was and knew that I was looking out for his best interests. With some dementias, such as Alzheimer's, the person in care doesn't even have that comfort. I also know that at some point, my husband's care will be too much for me and he'll have to go into AL again. If we could afford a continuing care community, I'd at least be nearby and part of his regular daily routine. But that's not looking so possible, so I'm trying o get used to it.

Maybe it matters whether your loved one is a glass-half-empty or glass-half-full person. If so, I might be doomed if my brain ever gives out. When you have your faculties, at least someone can explain the reasons to you and you can look for the half-full. With dementia, that doesn't work.

I hope that wasn't too depressing. ((Hugs to everyone dealing with this.))

If you are the DPOA and a Dr. has declared her as having Alzheimer's then you should be ok.I have been thru this with my sister, before I became DPOA my sister sold moms house and everything in it and moved her to Georgia. Within a year and a half mom was begging me to come and get her which I did and as soon as I brought her home we went and made sure I got DPOA. Our attorney said that there was no way she could have it change. So get her diagnosed ASAP.