My mom has now moved in with us as she can't live alone any longer. Probably mid stage dementia. Her narcissistic personality disorder has always been challenging, but with dementia it's like throwing gasoline on a fire. Is anyone else dealing with this?
Now at 86 everyone has died on her, and I am the only one left and not too delighted with that reality. I have done all the legwork to find appropriate facilities and move her there again and again. She hates every place and everyone there.
I now care that she is safe, clean, and fed. Entertaining her and making her happy is no longer my priority. I will do what seems unstressful and appropriate -- for me. Maybe I'm a chip off the old block.
The best way to deal with a narcissist is to not give in no matter how hard they push, left (just push back much harder). at some point they'll start realizing you're not giving in and they'll start to be more cooperative and considerate. As for the dementia part though, I'm not sure there's going to be much you can do about that except to keep reinforcing your house rules and just not giving in for the narcissistic part of that person
Sadly, kids of N's have usually been so well programmed by adulthood that we don't know how to set boundaries and if not being made to feel guilty by our N parent, we do quite a good job of feeling guilty ourselves... and resentful of the caregiving... and care TAKING to try to gain control.
It is a vicious cycle, but there IS hope. The support here is INVALUABLE, and gradually taking little areas of control and rewarding self for the small victories becomes crucial.
Remember to "Give yourself grace" . Caregiving ain't easy in general but add Narcissism and it's a whole new ball game.
Narcissistic personality disorder may be linked to:
Mismatches in parent-child relationships with either excessive pampering or excessive criticism
Genetics or psychobiology — the connection between the brain and behavior and thinking
It is a personality disorder and is a mental illness. It is characterized by disturbed interpersonal relationships -don't we know it!
I believe that narcissistic traits can accompany other personality disorders. I think we have a disproportionate number of people on this site with narcissistic parents as they are the ones who cause their care givers the most distress so they come here for support. Combined with dementia it is very hard to deal with.
It helps to learn about narcissism and how to manage it. You have to set firm boundaries to protect yourself. Blessings
A bit of background:
After the h*ll of a year and a half with mom in mid stage Alzheimer's, sociopath on steroids, her Neurologist insisted that I get her into a home because it had become a danger to myself, herself and my kids.
So it took about three months, but I finally found the right place for her and that was a little over two years ago.
She has since passed into a more advanced state and is no longer aggressive, and in fact is not speaking hardly at all.
Taking her to the home was the best thing I could have done for her and for the family...she is in an amazing place where the staff is consistent and they love her very much.
To be honest I have been mourning the person she had become prier to the disease ever since and today I can say that I think I've finally come to the end of all of it.
She no longer is the sociopath, narcissistic I grew up with, but she is also not the more stable person I enjoyed the last 10 years before she had the disease.
I honestly look back and in some very real ways wished I had not had her move in with us...but I didn't know then what would happen...I was still expecting her to rise to the occasion at the time and it took a few months before I realized it would not ever happen.
My mom for many years told my brother and I she never wanted us to take care of her and would rather we lived our lives if anything happened...so on that level I have no guild at all for placing her in the Home...although I to have some pangs of guilt for not seeing her for months at a time.
We actually moved about an hour further away from her...it's an 1 1/2 hour drive to see her, but life is what it is.
The truth is that the anger and hurt are gone now...healed so now I miss my mom...the women she had become...I really miss that person.
But I feel good that she is safe, well cared for and loved where she is and have no regrets for putting the effort in to find a place that lent to our personal beliefs.
The reason I'm writing this is because I know how hard it is and want you all to know that there is relief in the end, and that it's OK to let go of the reins and it's OK.
Talking to a number of professionals in the field it seems our situation with an abusive parent is not abnormal...and when the time comes that they forget enough and change and are no longer the abuser, it is not abnormal to not know how to deal with it emotionally.
In my case I was able to get a set of eyes at the home, an additional PA that goes in and checks on her monthly, but is there and keeping an eye out for her patients 2 to 3 times a week...and it's covered by medicare to boot!
I hope this might help some of you trying to figure out what to do.
Also, in retrospect...if I and my Husband had been able to wrap our minds around what was happening to my mom sooner, I think it would have been better. Reach out to the Alzheimer's Association Hotline if you need to vent or to get information and strategies...they are there for you and a God send some days.
Basically my understanding is that the restraints we put on ourselves to not speak our mind all the time...like when someone offends you but the situation lends to you letting it pass and smiling instead...well with dementia, that goes away and there are no barriers that way. Also, because the brain is deteriorating, your mom will lose say a small piece of information, like the house is not up for sale, and the brain compensates and creates a story that might fit in, so now she might think that it is up for sale...and can even tell you she was there when the Real Estate agent came by. It usually gets worse before it gets better I'm afraid. My mom became physically violent and was so nasty...I was the worst person in the world...LOL...but really she couldn't help it...she had no restraint and things were partially fictional in her mind.
Now I give zero reaction and don't bother to share anything of my life with him. I just look at him and show nothing. It takes a lot of work to not react but eventually I could see the look of disappointment on his face when I do not react. He stops the baloney after he realizes he is not going to upset me. And good for you for walking out the door. I know it's tough, don't get angry or frustrated. It just fuels them even more.
"There are others that can take care of mom and not have to be abused by her. My mother is as sweet as honey in the facility, calls all the staff sweetie and honey and actually says 'THANK YOU' to them. Two little words that we NEVER heard one time come out of her mouth at home or to us.
Don't feel guilty that you don't rush to her side to care of her, she really would prefer someone else anyway. Stay strong, assertive, healthy and know when to walk out of the room."
Thank you for posting, momsadvocate. I'm caretaking my 81-year-old mother who has a severe disorder believed to be NPD. It's been a long road that hasn't ended yet but the legacy of pain, trauma and broken relationships has been living on for decades already. It's truly disgusting to see what can pass down generationally because we have too much yet to learn about this stuff. I can't predict what will happen to/for anyone else in my family but I visualize a positive outcome for me because I have taken some bold unique steps to heal. The buck does indeed stop here! If anyone is interested in hearing about what has helped me save my own life, please just ask.
All the best to everyone here, caregiving is an amazing and difficult journey. ~KCR
In these last six years of her highly dramatic decline she has made life h*ll for my brother and I from across the country.
I have been wishing she would just die already but there is a blessing in the dimentia. She cannot create the illusion of normal anymore. After 60 years I can SEE the disease and insanity and what it has cost me my entire life. My mother is a hard miserable human being who has never willingly given anybody anything. It is not my fault for trying to get away from her. I am not bad for not liking her. There is no resolution or talking it out. She still admits nothing even when I gave her the chance to absolve herself before she dies.
I will do my duty but I will not lie and drip honey at her funeral. I will be glad and I am at last ok with that.