My 81-year-old mom has dementia and is narcissistic. Is anyone else dealing with this?

Typically, survivors of abuse make less-than-ideal caregivers for those who abused them. A child may be at the mercy of an abusive parent, but an adult survivor has options. Honoring one's parents means living a life of integrity, not enduring abuse. There's no honor in being a convenient punching bag for your parent. Get away; far away. Arrange for someone else to care for the aging, narcissistic parent. A leopard never changes their spots, nor will the narcissist. With the added "insults" of aging and dementia, the narcissist only gets worse.

The only peace I ever got was through self-care, i.e., very limited contact. I realized no one would save me but myself; not even God. But God gave me the strength and self-esteem to distance myself from those who would hurt me. The rest of the world may judge, but so what? What do they know?

As an update to my original post, the car dealer admitted the post card saying she’d won money was cooersive in getting her into dealership. Her bank initiated a state elder abuse report, we filed a police rpt long story short the deal was resolved.
AmberA I completely agree and have recused myself as her POA to her younger sister who she actually listens to.

All of the blogs has been very helpful. My mom accused me of poisoning her and her food and she said I was stealing her Meat for gasoline in the car. She called the police and made a report at the hospital and now they have a diagnosis code as elderly mistreatment. Now she texted me to come back to my home and she said the detective said next time it won't be paper it will be a charge but I don't know against who. .. Should I allow her back into my home ?

Treeside - NO, NO, NO. Sounds like she has mental/dementia problems, but if she actually reported you to the police, that is your warning. She will do it again and you could find yourself in a lot of trouble - I know, it's lies, but unfortunately innocence is not a sure protection. And there have been cases where even if you were completely exonerated, the record could cause trouble. This is an area where the law is not up to speed and therefore you cannot count on your innocence. If she is in the hospital, explain to the discharge planner that she cannot come to your home. PERIOD. The social worker must find her a place. If she is mentally ill, or demented, she needs professional care; if this is just mom being nasty, then by no means take a chance. She did it once, she'll do it again.

OH HELL NO!

She's out to get you and the law doesn't have time to sort through every charge.
In this case, because she's an ELDER, it's your fault, whether it is or not.

Stay away to save your reputation.

My mother's neighbor called Adult Protective Services on me (she had dementia too). I (supposedly) "picked her up, threw her on the floor and stole her medication." That's what mother told everyone I did.

APS came out to her apartment twice. There was no sign of any bodily harm and her pain pills were sitting on the coffee table. When the lady pointed it out to my mother that the pills were right in front of her, mother said I must have put them back!

I was NEVER even notified about any of this. I found out by the senior apt. manager. I called APS and asked why I was never notified. They said they could see there was no abuse and that mother had a dementia problem and they don't have the time to notify everyone!

Wouldn't you think they would like to notify the next of kin about this "dementia" episode?
I had to put her in a memory care facility within a month.

I have had 20 years of therapy and still find myself hearing that inner voice that I am not good enough. I am the sole caregiver of my narcissistic mother. The only "cure" I have found is being with sane,civil people.

As I read these stories and accounts it’s as if I’m reading about my own situation. Only it’s my mother in law with Dementia. The narcissistic personality, the crazy accusations, the threats are all there. The attacks however are only directed at me, not my husband or children. They are as good as gold in her eyes. It has been a great comfort to see I’m not alone in this struggle.

Only child of a narcissistic mother! She’s always been verbally and mentally abusive, I’ve never been good enough if it wasn’t what she wanted! Now her health has declined and has dementia which has enhanced her nastiness & she’s been sent to geriatric psych. I’m still the bad one who put her in there and of course some how a callous bitch (her words) because I wouldn’t rub her painful legs (they have open wounds!). I still sometimes feel like the child I was not wanting to upset her or disappoint her, however for her own safety and health, all i seem to do is make the wrong decisions and undermine her such as when she went looking for a wallet that she swore she had but it was at my house, & told her so and she freaked out swearing it was there.
Either way, she’s always been self centered and I know if i truly was a horrible daughter, I wouldn’t be traveling back and forth from Canada to NJ to over see her care and make sure she’s safe in the NH (which I’m awful for putting g her in).
I’m learning I’m not alone and I feel your emotional pain!

I am the caregiver for an 82 year old narcissist. If I did not have friends and/or my support group, I would be lost. What is troubling is when we put and she will go on a very loud tirade - on purpose for attention - and strangers glare at me as though I am not helping her enough. Judgmental people never helped anyone...stay clear of them.

I can understand why lifelong narcissism gets worse with aging and/or dementia. With the mental decline, the cover falls away. What I find puzzling is why so many seniors develop such narcissistic behaviors. Total self-centeredness. No empathy for caregivers. Excessive demands, childishness, manipulation. What mental process fuels this attitude? Presenting with dementia, it's part of the disease. Why? Presenting without dementia, it still begs the same question. I know in the big picture, it really doesn't matter. It is what it is.

Still, it makes me wonder. We know a little bit of narcissism is normal. Too much isn't. What reading I've done on the cause of a narcissistic personality are two parenting extremes: excessive admiration and excessive criticism. What I don't understand is why narcissistic behavior shows up so frequently in the elderly when it wasn't present before. I never realized the extent of this disorder until I read so many accounts here.

I never really understood it much until lately , I realize now my mom had this her whole life. It just show more with dementia, they don’t have the working brain to hide it as well. It is the Jezebel spirit. Google that and see if that sounds like your loved one. Narcissistic personality disorder, it’s spiritual warfare.

Number2son,

Mom never had a formal diagnosis, but given her personality profile, she's the poster child for narcissism.

My personal requirements after many years in the life with an extreme narcissistic person, who also has other clustered personality disorders (histrionic PD and bipolar) can be especially difficult with the onstart of dementia. My best decision was to recently establish safe boundaries to keep me out of the abusive crossfire and enlisting my self care first. I now keep immediate family in the loop of major events and let the home care provider handle the day to day matters. It took some time to accept that I don’t have to feel guilt for letting go. 

Have you thought about getting in-home care for a couple of hours a day? Having another person there to take the responsibility from you and offer some "down-time" from caring for your mom might be worth the price. Best!

Meck, Interesting what you said about heavy metal toxicity. I have had the same thoughts and know as a dental assistant, mercury exposure as a young woman of 19 caused problems. I cannot take vaccines because most contain formaldehyde and mercury. Our elderly are vaccinated continuously. Makes one wonder.

Narcissistic Family Support Group
Caregivers of Narcissistic Family Members
I feel for you.
Diana

I share your pain, collector. My mom's narcissism has gotten much worse as her dementia has developed. Everything is all about her. The lack of ability to reason with her is tough. She can no longer see the logical connection between her actions and the money I then need to spend on her. When I try to explain it she cries because I'm making her feel back about not having money. She retired much too early, and gets only a small amount for SS as a result. I'm still working 60 hours a week and live 11 hours away. My sibs, who are local, do virtually nothing for her

Oh, this is scary. My mom is somewhat narcissistic - more toward my sister than toward me. She's always enabled my two brothers. I'm the only one who is doing anything to provide care for her, but I live in Ohio and she is in KS. She's in AL now, but her LTC money will run out in a year and a half and I'm going to have to retire early, move to KS, and have her live with me. I've looked at medicaid-funded facilities and have found nothing that I consider acceptable. It was a huge battle just to get her to move from her house to an IL apartment and then another one to get her to move to AL. Of course, she loved both options once she moved. I have no delusions that it will be easy to have her move in with me, but hearing how several of you regret that decision scares me even more. I know that the Lord may take that decision out of my hands -- Mom is almost 88 now. I have to move to KS, anyway, as my little brother is severely disabled and he will need me. I have poor boundaries, so am working on strengthening those now.... Thanks for sharing your stories.

Teri,
Good for you on knowing that you need to start setting boundaries. People who don't set limits are always walked on, taken advantage of and "overused".

I'm guessing from your mom's age, you must be in your early 60's. Do you have any health issues? I'm 61 and am surprised to not be as "spry" as I was 40 years ago and have my share of infirmities.

If you have to move to take care of your disabled brother, I would strongly suggest NOT to add your mom to that mix. You not only will be 'fried' then 'burned out' but, in the end,  you'll be 'burnt and crispy'- body and brain. There is only so much one person can do.

Please don't count on the Lord taking your mom soon because she's near 88 years old. My mom is 95 and is still keeping' on in stage 6 Alzheimer's. Golden's mom is going to be 106 this year! No one knows how many years our loved ones have left.

Amazon sells this book; Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend ($10.)
amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1518996313&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries+by+cloud+and+townsend
It would help you set your limits before you get there.

You have to make sure that you are doing the most healthy things for YOU so you can take care of others and be well. IMO, I would keep Mom in the AL that she's "grown to love". It didn't work when I took my mom home from the memory care. She was used to the routine and wanted to be around more people than just me.

Good luck.

My mom is 82 and living with my family now for just over a year. She has 50% hearing loss which adds to the dementia. In addition, when she gets cranky it’s usually from a urinary track infection. They don’t get infections that are noticeable like younger folks. Every day is a challenge. Patience is key. My mother who always her entire life, thought of only others is now the opposite. She is scared because she can no longer control her life. Her anger towards me is due to her lack of control and reliance on her daughter who she feels shouldn’t be her caregiver. She was most appreciative of me when she was in an assisted living facility. She could blame them instead of taking out her anger on me. Due to the rising cost of care, she is living with us again.

Yes and its wearung me down. Antthing i do is wrong. Shes constantly caing me names tries to hit me at 93 she isnt hitting me that hard but its just the idea shes doing it for no reason.

Robin,
Her brain is broken. That's the reason.

The only peace I have found in 5 plus years with 82 narcissist is other people! When the insults become brutal, the lackofgratitude is discouraging....I come on this site to remember I am not alone. It scares me a little selfishly that I am losing these years consumed by her needs.

Many thanks, SueC1957, for your helpful input. We won't have money to keep Mom in AL after her LTC money ends in a year and a half. I have read all of Cloud and Townsend's books on boundaries -- they are very good. They didn't really "take" in my earlier years -- I kept enabling my ex for way too long. I am re-reading them now and trying to really incorporate them. The house church of which I'm a part is good support, as is my counselor. I am 64 and overweight, but my health is pretty good at this point. Unless I can find an acceptable Medicaid-funded facility I don't perceive any options apart from early retirement and a move to KS from OH. I'm going to KS for Easter and have some appointments to look at some communities there, but I'm not optimistic.

Has anyone found acceptable Medicaid-funded communities for a loved one? My brother is in a very good group home in the KC-area, so I will not need to provide hands-on care for him. I do need to be there, however, to watch out for him. As wonderful as his staff is, they don't always understand when he tries to communicate to them. He's deaf and has CP -- none of them sign. When his gallbladder burst he almost died because no one understand the depth of his pain. I hope I'm right in thinking that I will be better able to understand him than is his staff. He and I are very close. My other sibs are both local, but my brother never sees our younger brother and my sister sees him an hour and a half a week. He loves that time, but it's not enough to keep an eye on things for him. I've promised my mom that I will be there to supervise his care when she's gone. So my early retirement and move are for both Mom and my brother.

I'm very grateful for the comfort I find on this site!

Sounds like my parent,who is now passed.If i was happy,she'd find a way to upset me.If i fixed anything,she's smash it,If i bought her clothes,they didn't fit,...The juice had either "too much sugar",.. or "wasn't organic" The more I did,the more she expected.I was literally at her beck and call,...I cleaned her house every sunday,..did all the lawns and hedges,....pruning,...maintenance,... she scrutinized my every move.
Said the windows needed washing :/ It just got too much after awhile,..it was a damned if i did,and damned if i didn't..... after awhile my resentment grew into defending myself.. When i'd call her,..she's hang up most the time...or call me at times when she knew I was extremely busy....I was back and forth everyday for 2 years.It ages one,...it takes a very strong individual to endure the emotional and mental strain this takes on us.Like I mentioned before,...it's like killing yourself to save someone else.

Oh mertiloid,

Your remark about "killing yourself to save someone else" really hit home! Your mom sounds like mine, except mine is still living! Was your mom like that with everyone, or just you? My mom rejects every kindness, but she still wants me around to browbeat! Go figure.

Before we moved Mom to memory care, I stayed with her for several weeks while Dad was in the hospital with his own issues. While I was there I couldn't help but notice how dusty the house was getting; cobwebs in the corners, ceiling, and on top of the drapes; carpet stains, etc. All understandable since Mom and Dad, both in their late 80s had gone downhill over the previous few months. I didn't say anything about it but started cleaning the house top to bottom. Mom noticed me knocking down cobwebs, moving furniture away from the walls to vacuum underneath, washing baseboards, etc, all the little details I knew were to hard for her to deal with anymore. She gave the impression of being pleased.

Then, weeks later, Mom claimed I said her house was dirty and started doing things around the house without her authorization!

If I cooked, she refused to eat it, saying I was trying to take control of her kitchen. (Mom, with dementia, is incapable of cooking). If I brought food in, she refused to eat it, saying it was too expensive (even though she didn't have to pay for it).

Mom said she needed some new clothes. (She really didn't, but that's beside the point; I wanted to please her). I asked her to take everything out of her closet that needed a button sewn on, hems shortened or lengthened, split seams, taken in, taken out, what have you and pile them next to me to fix. She brought me enough that it took a full day of hand sewing to complete. Not a word of thanks.

She asked me to take her to the mall to go shopping for clothes. When we got there, she said everything was too expensive, even on sale. I took her to thrift stores but she couldn't find anything to suit her, so I started buying her things with my own money, bringing them to her to try on at memory care; even bringing her some of my own clothes I knew she liked. Nothing was ever quite right. I let hems down. I took hems up. I tapered the legs. You name it. The next time I 'd come to visit, she'd hand everything back, saying "These things didn't work for me; take them back."

She rejects my gifts. Once when I had taken her to a doctor's appointment, Mom pointed out a very expensive doll she admired in a magazine. She was quite taken with it. I made a note of it and managed to find the doll on eBay second hand. I was so excited, thinking how pleased Mom would be when I presented it to her. When I first gave it to her, she seemed pleased enough, but never mentioned the doll again. On the next visit, I found it put away at the top of her closet.

Just one thing after another. It took me awhile but I finally put 2 and 2 together. Dementia or no dementia, rejecting all my efforts is a power trip for Mom. She doesn't reject what others do for her; just me, because she blames me for what Alzheimer's disease has taken from her. She says I exert too much control over her life.

So I really understand where you're coming from, mertiloid. So exasperating. Mom seems able to accept gifts and kind gestures from others, not me. I just take care of the necessities, as needed.

And we all keep trying to please. We have to give up. We're never going to make a narcissistic individual happy. It's really our self concepts that are at issue here. Being a good person is not determined by whether we make Mom happy..... We have to change the source of our self concept. Mom does NOT make you ok.

Today my mother drove the caregiver to quit on the spot. Granted I don’t believe this caregiver was as skilled or experienced with dementia or understood narcissistic behavior either. My mother still lives on her own. It’s back to the drawing board, but this time it must be someone with experience with early dementia.

In the meantime I’m waiting on a pending job offer of my dreams and won’t afford her problems to impact my life any more. My biggest challenge is finding someone through IHSS who is available with experience. I’ve no family support and I live across the bridge from my mother, keep a safe distance  and rely on public transportation. My older brother, lives a few hours away, retired and seems emotionally checked out in helping me. I’m sure he’s had his own trauma to work through the dealings with her. He’s 67, 8 yrs older than me. She does have a kittie/companion who she claims keeps her alive. 

A few months ago her doctor spoke to me and said as the next of kin we should begin looking at long term options. Not immediately, but think of it. . I guess it’s that time. I do not want this to jeopardize my new job or my own wellness any more. Am I alone in feeling resentment?

ufff... i so feel for you, and feel also it is an unsustainable situation.
my mother is demented and has fibrosos of her lungs and (from living with masses of birds in her living quaters) is a raging narcisist, messy, self flagellatingly resistant to medical help, completely unwilling to cooperate in her care, drinks incredible amounts of whisky, and very nasty to the females around her. i had kept a distance for many many years, with the occasional visit, but not getting involved in her web of intrigue and ever so familiar narcisistic behaviour. she is getting worse and worse, and i had to be around for a month, until a male caretaker was found she luckily accepts, and tell all her stories of how she was the most beautiful woman and so on. i have become redundant- thank god!- because i am not to be irked anymore. the list is endless... during this month my old anxiety came back, wich was my saviour in a way, because i took imidiate steps to again disengage. i only live 30km away, but i am not going near her. however her nastyness to the people around her do make me angry. i get therapy again to not feel responsible and protective of those people. no way do i owe her anything. that woman has made my life misery for many years, i am not obliged to be her playball. when we are compassionate persons that are responsible and helping we are easy targets to these personality disorders. and when, depcrepid as she is, she can hurl crystal clear abuse at my special needs brother about how disgusting he eats, it is difficult for him) even the slightest form of compassion i can have for her- flies out the window. with a stoney face i will go to her funeral, but that will be all. no- i do not owe her anything. we have to rid ourselves of the guilt. it is hard, but it is possible- i whish you strength to archieve it. bless!