Mom moved to rest home after dad died, told us kids sell/trash what she left. She obsesses/cries about getting what is gone! What to do?

Question

Mom moved to rest home after dad died, told us kids sell/trash what she left. She obsesses/cries about getting what is gone! What to do?

Follow

Share

39 Answers

I am confused. If your mother is blind, how will she know if the hoe is the same one and all the other objects? Always ask before you ASSUME someone wants to get rid of something that you have no idea what it meant to them. If they are gone, they are gone, but in the future, try to be more empathetic as your day will come. Better put your "favorite" things you want to keep in writing.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

When my daughter was young, she had a very difficult time letting go of her stuffed animals, each of which had an ascribed personality. She's a compassionate person, so we appealed to her compassion by helping her donate her stuffed toys to the local sherif's (who gave them to children in painful situations), or we set up an adoption center at our garage sales. If your mom is a compassionate person, you may be able to tickle the part of her hypothalamus that triggers a desire to help others. Let her know her treasures were given to someone who needed her help. "Help" is the operative word. For instance, we all want to help someone who can't find something in the grocery story or is lost in our neighborhood. I'll be interested to hear whether this helps her.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

My dad has dementia with Lewy bodies with Parkinsonisms and total body atrophy. He requires 24/7 care for everything . He is wheelchair bound now. He seems to be getting worse every day. the doctor finally signed off on home care through hospice which will come 3days a week. Mom has onset dementia and
Some days are better than others. They live in FLA. sis live with and takes care of them. I live in MASS. We have tried to get mom to "downsize" staring when they initially moved from here to FLA. she would have no part of it..so it all moved with them. They live in a rented house but with their health and memory problems they will need to go to senior housing...or for dad a NH. Again we are trying to get her to downsize, but she is steadfast and won't take the apt. If she can't get all her stuff in it. They have a mattress in the garage she won't through out because "she might need it". Despite telling her no one would even want to sleep on it b/c it now is a home for insects, she won't get rid of it. She has a console stereo she got in 1962, it doesn't work, but she has moved it from place to place, along with other stuff. I understand some ofmthismstuff has deep memories, moreover, she is a child of the depression and had little to nothing most of her life so parting with things is hard. How can we get her to part with the furniture and other things she can't move around with her anymore?

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Just wondering if the crying and obsessing might be a condition unto itself? If the lost stuff weren't an issue, would she carry on about something else? Perhaps some specialized medical attention is needed.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

I know how she must feel-so sad- helpless, losing everything- I would sit with your mom , and when she cries, just let her know u understand how she feels-it is sad- u know? maybe even say- oh yes, I remember that brush- do u remember when u used to brush my hair? something like that-kind of a diversion of a sad thought to a happier one- and if its something like the high heels? so what if she cant wear them, its how they made her feel...we may think it isnt worth making a fuss about, but u would be surprised how little things that mean nothing to us, might mean a great deal to them-
lots of hugs,hand holding, compassion kissing, let her feel the sad-and maybe follow up the crying with a different memory-that would make her smile-
with my mom, when things like that happen, when she is sad, or cries I say, do u remember when nanny (her mom and i were very close)and I used to play pisha paysa(sp)a card game- and she would laugh- and then we would move on to the next topic-
so sad-
I miss my moms things more than she does- I think- its hard- but this whole disease sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!I just hate it! so unfair!!!!!!!!!!
love to u and hugs and strength I send to u, love k

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

My mother had closets crammed with clothes. When she went into a nursing home 9 months ago with limited space I picked her favourites and sent the rest to Goodwill. Now in a private room with 2 wardrobes, she wants another wardrobe because hers are packed. Winter coats take up space and I've offered many times to keep them for her until winter but that's just met with "It'll be winter before you get around to it". At least every week or two I get "You threw all my clothes away!". Her dementia is increasing alarmingly to the point we have a fight every couple of days which puts me in a deep depression. Unfortunately she's been mean, nasty and spiteful her whole life and I've vowed to avoid her as much as possible before the stress makes me ill.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Does your mother have dementia? If so, perhaps engage in "therapeutic fibbing," where you tell her the items are in storage. Sometimes that is enough to satisfy a loved one who misses their things. And while it's too late in your situation, when moving my mother out of her house this past year, I meticulously went through every item in her house (and she was a hoarder, so I had to to see what was hidden everywhere!) and made decisions on what was important to her in her life and what was expendable. I kept things that I knew meant something to her or would mean something to my sisters and me after she passes and have them boxed up in my basement. Some things of hers are actually out and in use at my house and my sister's so we can show it to Mom when she is over visiting (she lives in a memory-care residence). She is always relieved and happy to know that her things are in my basement or when I can show it to her. Again, if your mom has dementia and you think you can "fool" her, you can show her some items that look like hers to appease her. You don't have to lie -- when she asks for her hairbrush, you can show her one that looks like it and just say "You mean like this one?" That might be enough to calm her down.
And the other thing you might want to consider: We are only responsible for our own happiness. We cannot make others happy. We can only do the right and responsible thing for them and ourselves/our families. You will not ever make your mother happy, but you can let go of the idea that you are responsible for making her happy. These things tear us all apart, I know. Good luck and God bless.

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

It seems when you get older or have some kind of illness, "things" seem to be more important to you. These "things" of your mother's were not necessarily important to anyone but her. I can understand her feelings because she must know that her days are numbered and she would at least like to have some familiar things with her--not matter how insignificant to others. This may sound like a very dumb question, but any possibility of getting back the vase or hair brush??? My sons had blankets that they could not part with for several years--I let them make the decision to "let go", when they felt it was time. I feel there is a lesson learned here--your mother still had her mind and should have been asked for her opinion on her "things", not anyone else. Soooooo, what can be done? Maybe nothing! But I would suggest that you sit with mom, if you have not already done so, and try to bring some memories to her from home. I made my mother a "memory book" even though she was still able to remember, But I wanted to give her something special. So perhaps, you could make her some kind of memory item for her to hang on to--"hanging on" later in life maybe all that you have left. Sooooo, give her some new items--a letter than she might have written to you when you were younger, a special gift that she gave you and you want her to have it for now, a special picture of you as a child with a great story for her to remember. If you can't find those items that were given away, then make new items that are very precious from your heart and the families--Maybe, this will make her happy and I am sure that you will be happy also. Peace.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Oh this is so sad. My mother inlaw had the same issues with her stuff but her temperament was one to get angry and not to cry. I think I can deal with anger better than tears. For us I used humor (and I confess, sarcasm) often. She can not walk anymore but she wanted to keep her 60 year old high heel collection. NONE of these shoes could have been worn even IF she did walk. I asked other people to speak with her re the benefit of getting rid of things . . . so I wasn't always having to play the part of the bad guy. As I reread your message I see that she "says she cries" do you think she is angry at you and this is her way of trying to make you feel bad. Maybe you could use honesty mixed with gentleness. Be frank and say "mom those things are gone now. They aren't coming back" but then ask her to tell you the meaning of them. Maybe write down what she says and when she brings it up again you can say something (for example) " oh I understand why you miss that weed hoe. You had a beautiful garden that everyone admired"

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

1 2

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Mom moved to rest home after dad died, told us kids sell/trash what she left. She obsesses/cries about getting what is gone! What to do?

39 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions