Mom and Dad's clutter; should I start deciding what stays and what goes?

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Mom and Dad's clutter; should I start deciding what stays and what goes?

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I agree with starting small and clearing out the bedroom you use. My MIL talked about clearing items out of her house but never did it. When her sister moved in, there was double clutter. We were there almost every day, doing laundry, cooking and cleaning and thankfully never had to move in for more than a few days.

There should be no negotiating for items that are broken, clothing that is stained or torn and food that is no good. Walk those out of the house without saying a word. Perhaps they would be willing to "donate" non-essential items. My MIL saved hand-made baby clothes long after we were of child-bearing age. Her sister brought piles of stuff that had belonged to their mother including purses, shoes, coats and many photos of people nobody recognized. I guess it's a way of holding on to the past.

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I'm all for holding on to the past, except when those "memories" include decades old cleaning products, and more years worth of broken appliances. The family photos are sacred.

(4)

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As a youngish senior (59) that is no longer healthy I would so appreciate someone to help me Purge. I don’t want to ask my kids to help when they visit because visits are for fun. But it’s cost me a small fortune so far to pay a pro organizer. She really helped me Get in the right mindset plus having to deal with my moms almost hoarder type house when she died encouraged me to simplify. Getting to that mindset is a complicated progress. She used a lot of logic and positive reinforcement. I thought I was ready when I hired her but every time she comes I want to get rid of more. You could bring someone in on the pretense of organizing your stuff then try to grow it from there.

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Ive started doing that with my own belongings. It can be very hard when one has emotional attachments to "things". Professional organizers are great, if you can afford their fees. But I know well that I need to learn how to let go of inanimate objects. Both for my future in this home and my parent's safety.

(1)

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Storage units are there for a reason: to store stuff that one doesn't want to get rid of. Put things in storage boxes, label, and put in a unit, maybe even find a small one on wheels to park in the backyard as it would be cheaper in the long run. That way, when they wonder where something is it can be found easily. Best thing is "out of sight, out of mind," and they may forget all about it. Next-best thing is when you have to clean everything out it will be easier to do so.
As an older person myself, I find it hard to get rid of some things, and now that I am moving into a smaller place, I'm opening boxes from 2 years ago -- the last move -- and wondering why I wanted to hang onto all the yarn and polyester cloth, old kitchen pots and pans, etc. My husband is now the hoarder and has reams and reams of computer printouts in his cluttered (!!) office. So we will do the same thing there.

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My problem upon moving out of my house to my parent's home was I had to do it almost overnight. That meant the movers packed everything that had accumulated over 20 years ,(including dirty clothes and trash). My energy for a cleaning/ organizing task like this is virtually nil, although my motivation is growing by leaps and bounds because I feel like I'm drowning in stuff and it makes me irritable

(3)

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As you stated it is their home and their income so respect that. I think trying to get rid of their stuff may feel to them that you are already shuffling them off.
Just my opinion but I will have a family meeting to discuss their cooperation in making more space for you and your husband if they are capable. But their holding on may still be giving them some control in their lives which they have slowly been losing. Try to put yourself in their place and know they realize their time on this earth is slipping by. That is scary.
You will have plenty of empty space when they are not here.

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KittyW, it's way too late for a family meeting and discussion. My mother's mind is too far gone and my father just looks to her for guidance and answers. It's the blind leading the blind, and both deaf enough that it leads to raised voices, which I can't cope with.

(3)

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You need to work with them. It hasn't become your sole responsibility yet, but it will some day. I kept using the explanation that it will be wonderful for them to part with a few things so that they can better enjoy the things they love. Mainly, don't expect to do it all at once. You live there. You can do just a few little things at a time. If they are truly hoarders, don't say that you are throwing out those shower curtains, say that you know someone who could really use them and "regift" them. It might be easier for them to let go. It won't be the most efficient system. You may need to go through a box, draw, shelf, or bag four different times. That's okay. You'll feel less push-back from them and you'll still be getting something done. Just remember, they may be holding onto things because they may not feel confident in their memories of where they came from and are afraid they may throw away something important. Here's where the conversations help. Now you can label that hand-painted pitcher as the artwork of great-grandmother Bertha. Now you and anyone else handling estate issues in the future know of its history or importance. Respect is key.

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lynina2, the explanation I use is "temporary storage" in the basement. The basement nobody can move around in because of all the stored things. As to clearing out the basement, that may have to wait until Spring. We're inundated with snow already, and there's another storm raging right now.

(3)

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Chances are if they have a ton of clutter they don't even know what there is. I realize how frustrating this is and can be. Could you start by getting storage containers and putting the "clutter" into them a little at a time and label the contents as best you can and toss the true junk. If they ask where their stuff is or they want some thing, you will have access to it.
It is still their home and you chose to move in to help. Maybe this should have been addressed prior to moving in. Whatever the situation is for you - I don't think it is your right for you to get rid of their belongings. I would discuss the clutter and include them with the "reorganization" of their home. That seems to be a must for any caregiver being a resident with them. Also the danger of falling is increased dramatically with clutter everywhere. Good luck - and have patience - you have support.

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Please read some of my other replies to forum members. We moved basically overnight and have been trying to incorporate some things of importance to us into a house already full to the brim with furniture, clothes, books, records (LPs), pots and pans, etc. We have to be here to care for them. I believe we need to move, rearrange, store or dispose of some things to enable is, the caregivers, to live and breathe, too.

(3)

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Holy cow - I really sounded harsh in my previous post. I still stand by what I said, however please know that I'd asked my mother on and off for YEARS to please start clearing things out - especially her clothes - as some things (clothes especially as they're so personal) would be too heartbreaking for me to figure out what to do with once she was 'gone'. She took no action. However, when dad died, she harped on me until I went over there and completely cleaned out his cluttered den...quite frankly, she treated me like a rented mule about the whole thing and I still don't understand why. There are other issues at play here too, but please know I did my best to include her in on decisions with many of her things (until I no longer could because she didn't have the capacity to understand). It was just such an overwhelming task - and at this point, I've been doing some sort of caregiving for over 10 years now. My entire 50's were devoted to this (poof! gone!) and now I'm in my early 60's. Every time I start to feel physically/mentally stronger, her health takes a turn for the worse which requires more of me physically/mentally - and it drags me right down again - it's like clockwork. Thank GOD we have caregivers in 2x day to tend to her toileting, etc. or else I'd have hanged myself in the attic years ago. So anyway, I do stand by what I'd written to Anjolie - just with a bit of a softer edge. Thanks for reading this!

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(((big hugs))) Many of us can relate.

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I feel the same way as you. Mother's house is not mine, but at the same , it will eventually have to be done. My approach has been to start with the closets and drawers that seem to serve no purpose other than to be collecting stations. The first closet i tackled was the linen closet in the main bath because as a child I always wondered what mysterious items were stashed away up in the top compartment. To my astonishment I discovered probably a dozen vinyl shower curtains. NOT new like she bought them and just never put them up, but used. Most l remembered from my childhood and I'm over 50. They were all folded nicely though lol. My initial thought was WHY?!?!?! Since then I've found other "hidden treasures" .
So, just think of it this way. It will eventually have to be done. We may as well get a head start, because after this care giving journey are we really going to want to be trying to decide what to keep or not?
If they will be very upset though, maybe you could discuss putting some stuff in storage.

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Start small.... make space for you and your husband... and keep that area solely yours.
The clutter didn’t get there overnight, so it won’t disappear overnight either. Try going through ONE area at a time... a drawer, a shelf, a corner of a room. You will have a jump start on the inevitable-

I understand, as I had to empty my parents house of 53 years (full house plus an attached in-law apartment) in under a month from 120 miles away. The sheer distance made it impossible to save anything that didn’t fit in my trunk. A moving van or storage facility didn’t make sense because we weren’t “moving” anywhere.... and had no place to put the stuff.
You will feel better knowing that you “started” and are moving in the right direction, no matter how long it takes.

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Its uyour parents house, why did you and you hubby move in, you are invading their space. They are not in your space, I would be upset if my daughter got rid of
my trinkets, Maybe sit down and talk to them. But really are they sick, or what??
That is the first question why?

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Hi Anjolie - A word to the wise - SAVE YOURSELF!!! Please do yourself a huge favor and start getting rid of that junk NOW. 2 years after Dad died mom had to move in with me (dementia). Thankfully they weren't hoarders, but a housefull of stuff is still a housefull of stuff and it fell to ME to go through every blessed room, closet, drawer, bookshelf, garage AND attic and make decisions what to toss/keep/donate, etc. I've worked on it haltingly for going on 4 years now and I resented practically every minute of it. Thankfully, I'm close to completion, but it's taken a toll on me, MY house, My mental/physical health, AND the finances (had certain things been disposed of earlier on, by THEM when no longer used of useful I could have rented their house out a couple YEARS ago, instead of it sitting empty). Anyway, I HAD to adopt the mindset early on with my parents' decline : When you can no longer take care of yourselves I'M IN CHARGE, I NOW MAKE THE DECISIONS and what I say goes. Otherwise, you end up feeling like a victim who has no control. I also looked at it with the stuff they 'might' use or that 'might come in handy' - if they haven't used it by now, they (due to age and health) never will so out it goes. Anjolie - you are the boss now - and once you realize this you will probably feel more empowered and able to move forward with what you know you have to do. Hang in there, it's a tough nut but very liberating once you can change over to this mindset.

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Yours is THE BEST answer ive read yet!! Anjolie is not just moving in and taking over. Her parents can no longer care for themselves, and have declined mentally. So yes, grrl, do what you can to get your space cleaned out and organized so you will still have some sanity to tackle the test of it!! You're not “just throwing everything away” as some here have voiced....you are now in charge because you have to be for their own safety and wellbeing....do what needs to be done without guilt or regret....many blessings to you!!

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I have the same problem but it is only my mother I'm caring for. Mt mom is a big fall risk, so I have had to remove items from her room for her safety. She is a huge control freak so it hasn't been easy dealing with her for almost 4 years now. You give up your life for them and you would think they would be appreciative! Praying for you and your situation. Good luck!

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Hello, how many years did she do everything for you, she fed you, she dressed you, she gave you a home, she made sure you were safe, she did this with unconditional Love of a Mother. Talk to her, Us mothers like to talk about our things. Try firstly.

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I feel your anxiety - my mother’s dementia has placed her in a SNH - we are paying for a storage unit every month - and we feel guilty about sorting through her treasures and getting rid of anything ... but financially, I am feeling the pinch every month in sending a check to house her belongings ... 😥

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Hi,
I am in a similar situation. My charge, brother, is in a NH and I put his things in a storage locker. He has progressed to advanced dementia. I am now not feeling guilty about sorting his things because he has no idea what there is. I take things to him periodically and he enjoys them, but doesn't necessarily remember them. It is a tough situation. My goal this winter is to be rid of the locker. I know in my heart there is nothing of value - just his life and memories for the family. :(

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As household manager then you have the right to de clutter but getting them to acknowledge this is another thing - your parents need to have clear routes from an exterior door to bathroom, bedroom, kitchen & usual place they sit [tv room?] both for their everyday safety & possible EMS if they need help - start with their safety first

Pick 3 items & turn them backwards then note time & date .... if after 3 weeks neither notices then they won't notice that it is in storage & something of yours is in its place - but don't throw it out but store in basement etc

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just spent 12 hours de cluttering my mums flat. She does realise it needed doing and wont remember most of the stuff we gave to charity, binned or burned. You will have to do it one day so Good luck!

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Anjolie, are things legally set up so you are sure you can continue to live in the house? If not, do so right away. I would get advice from an Elder Care Attorney. If the house is in your parents name and they ever have to have state aid like Medicaid, when they pass the state will come after their estate. This includes the house, in order to recoup their money. Many times kids think they will inherit something and whatever it is has to be sold to pay for the parent's care. Think of it this way, the state loaned your parents money and when they die, they collect from the estate. It is about 5:30 am and I can't figure out how to write this clearly.

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You did fine! :) It’s very good to stop and focus on just that item for a moment.

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Hi!
I would first define space for you and your husband. Space you are responsible for keeping clean and tidy. They may be inspired if they see your area!

I have had two situations happen. My brother and I threw out a lot of my mothers things when she first became ill without her. She was mad at us and still talks about it. So the second run through I included her. The second run through took longer but we could talk her threw each item.

Are they open for downsizing? If so, do it while you can! I would let them know you want to know the stories behind their possessions. In my opinion, it is best to do it while they can have input. Some stuff you probably don't know if it is valuable or not or if there are memories attached. It is very hard to go through loved ones things when they are not their to tell you what matters and what doesn't.

One pile at a time, start with three bins, bags or whatever. One for trash, one for keepsake and one to sell. I like the idea of jotting the story down behind what they feel needs to be saved. Throw away the trash and sell the stuff for them. Maybe they will be encouraged by the money?

Don't put huge exceptions on them the first run through. They may keep a lot the first run through. Say after six months if you do it again they may see the stuff is not being used and just taking up space they may be more open to getting rid of it.

We asked questions:
Would you buy it again?
Is it valuable?
Does it have significant meaning?
When there were 50 empty plastic medicine bottles that she wanted to keep we compromised on keeping 5.

It can be a slow tedious process but so worth it in the end. It helps to know where important papers are as well!
Good luck!

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Very respectful way of doing things.

(3)

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You just have to dig in and do it. It took almost 4 years of paring down but eventually my aunt( mostly my aunt) and I got her down to a room full of stuff so she could move in with me.
when dad died 2 years before she had us put most of his things out for pick up with in a week of his passing, so I wasn’t as guilt ridden when we talked her into a tag sale and enticed her with the money it would bring.
She occaisionally ask for things that are gone and complains about all her losses, but I can’t do clutter and I resent the mess that came with her as is.
you need a tough partner to help and stick to your guns. Sometimes you just have to say hey I just don’t know where it went and cross your fingers and keep moving on.
good luck.

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Again, your situation reminds me why I love this site and gives me much encouragement being the caregiver of my 81 yo mom!!

I have been staying with her in her house in preparation to move her closer to family in another state...then she fell. So, we have had MANY disagreements/arguments about all the things that have been tucked away for decades (literally) but must keep. Then my ever-so-smart daughter said..."so what? it's not hurting anything if she keeps what she feels is important to her, she may be more willing to downsize more at a later date".

Though we are not dealing with clutter, it definitely has been a learning process for all of us. Out of the 10 sets of sheets and cases we agreed to keep 4, 20 scarfs went down to 6, I was only aloud to get rid of 8 of the dozens of various sized empty plastic and glass food containers, but it's a process. We either pack or put away her treasures and move on to the next drawer, cabinet, box, or corner.

I hope you are able to find a compromise that is suitable everyone...keep strong!

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Being it appears you all live together as birds of a feather at the moment, Organize and do the best that you can while it is still their house. Unless they are Not of sound mind and body, you can only do this to have some mind bliss of your own at their home. God bless you for taking care of them. I commend you.

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Part of the reason I've put off doing any more organizing, is that I've been so focused on respecting my parents values and possessions. But yellowed magazines, musty paperbacks with tiny, crowded print, dozens of baking pans, and nobody left who has the time or interest in baking...ripped, torn and faded clothing that no longer fits them. At that stuff I plan to draw the line. I see no option but to start donating or disposing of things they'll never again use and won't miss. I grew up in this house, live here again and expect to spend many years to come here. It's time it actually felt like home to me again.

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I think that's a very appropriate plan. I see no reason to keep stuff like that. And it will be nice for all of you to live in a less cluttered home!

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My dad saved EVERYTHING. It was necessary to throw out the styrofoam containers (100's) that his Meals on Wheels lunches came in, also used straws (that he would rinse out and serve to company! 😝) A collection of near a million rubber bands (it seemed) was whittled down to a thousand and holey socks, T-shirts, underwear, etc. would magically disappear.
My favorite time was when he was in the hospital. I really got the junk out. But that's all I threw out-junk- pens that didn't write anymore, week old newspapers and the moldy, half eaten dinners in the fridge that were "too good to throw out." Anything broken, unusuable or obvious garbage went.

But, as for things that were purpously saved by him, I took much more caution in chucking out. It may be something I might want to remember from him.

Make sure it wouldn't have some hidden story or unknown meaning. You can't get back what you've given or thrown away.

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I think organizing and making space for you and husband is very acceptable! I'm sure your parents will understand if you approach them in the respectful manner deserved since technically it's still there home and space. Asking to organize items makes perfect sense but the thought of throwing away anything just because I don't know or can't see the value, is just plain wrong. It would upset me very much. People and especially the older generation have attachments to items, even though we can't see why. Great time to get some tubs and go through things together. This way you get more space and Organization without violating thier personal items or space. It's a win win. I usually try to go with how I'd want someone to treat me or my belongings if I were aging and needed extra help. I'm a bit of a pack rat myself and I get it from my grandmother who is now 89. We just hate throwing things away!

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A few more thoughts to add to others. It is probably good to start the discussion with your parents as ‘We need to make a bit more space for my own things, so that this feels more like home for me and DH’, rather than ‘I want to chuck out your things because they are junk’. I know that you wouldn’t be that blunt, but I’m sure you can see the difference. Then they would be doing something nice for you, not feeling de-valued themselves.

I agree that sorting things into plastic boxes is a good idea. Mine have wheels but still stack, three boxes high holds a lot, and the stacks fit very neatly next to each other. You can put a contents list inside each box visible from the outside, or just put an item that makes it clear what’s in the box.

While you are sorting ‘treasures’, like the things Ahmijoy talks about, ask for the story about what they are and write it out to keep with the necklace (or whatever). If you don’t have a printer, take it to a shop and get the print-outs so that they stay with the items. Children and grandchildren will find that much more interesting than just the item with no history, and your parents can enjoy telling you all about things and seeing that you value them yourself. Of course it will be slower, but it has a long term value. They can be kept long term, because they become more interesting and valuable as they turn into ‘history’ rather than just ‘old-fashioned’.

The chances are that your parents will agree to donate or chuck some things as you go along, if they don’t feel threatened that it will lead to wholesale destruction. If you don’t find a box full of washed plastic bags, you will be in a small minority. If there are things that you (even your parents) think are only may-be’s, keep them in a separate box from the ‘definitely keep’. That will simplify your job when you do the final sort in the future.

Have courage!

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I so agree with you on getting the history of items....there were so many things i found in cleaning out my grandmothers house after she passed...found pics of my dad as a baby we never knew existed...and she had kept all the letters he had written to her from early 50s when in the service. Dad passed in 97 and Gma passed in 2006. These are things i wish i had known about and once all the elders are gone, theres no history to find out about. Im in this situation now with trying to find info on my great gmas family....we are on ancestry and theres nothing at all past her info....we did just a few days agi find out that she was full blooded Cherokee and had to be adopted to a white couple in order to marry my great grampa. But now everyone who had any info on tribe,etc, is gone....very sad.

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Sorting and organizing is one thing..those walmart sterlite tubs are GREAT, but tossing is a whole other ball game and IMHO wrong.

I am a caregiver, part of my partner's illness was loosing our home with 0 warning to me. I left with my dogs, and clothes on my back and a few (I mean a FEW) boxes. I had a house full of a LIFE TIME of things, and things that had belonged to my mom and dad too. All those memories, gone, not by some storm, but by the act of a then undiagnoised illness.

Maybe an investment in a pod or storage shed out back, or even a rental storage unit would be ok for now. I MISS so many things, stupid things, I can, still, years later flashback on these items. Each held memories. And Im in my early 50's. I picture it on the curb for the trash and it STILL breaks my heart. Do some organizing, sure, especially those clear tubs. They can go a long way to make extra space without tossing stuff. (Unless we are talking about that 100 year old couch that no one sits on-that can go). Otherwise my vote is DO NOT MOVE IN YET. IT IS NOT YOUR HOME YET. Appreciate the "free rent" and respect their space. If you were my child and started tossing my stuff, you would be dis inherited to having my home. Death is not a Fast food, hurry up, I want your house thing. Don't be a vulture, be a pack rat.

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Clutter can be a real safety issue. It can impair mobility, and even cause falls.
Not to mention the nuisance and waste of time. And to play devils advocate,
what if they needed their phone to dial 911 but couldn't find it under all the clutter? Or were so busy and stressed looking for a misplaced item they forgot
something on the stove?

I spent years clearing away my father's clutter, he almost never missed anything
and the few things I got rid of that he went hunting for were easily replaced.
Which is basically for me the rule of thumb for decluttering. If it is replaceable
and not used out it goes. If it is something collectable or hard to find I'd put
it into storage. As my father was extreme fall risk, I really had no choice. He
hated it but didn't miss anything except a couple of DVD's which we promptly
repurchased.

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Yes! By all means. If you have the strength & energy to do it

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I’m playing Devils Advocate here, but in my case, I would feel highly resentful if my children came into my house and began pitching my stuff. I’m not a hoarder, but after 44 years of marriage, I’ve collected a lot of “stuff” that my kids have no idea the meaning of. I have a jet-bead necklace that a relative made in the mid-1800’s for her Rosary, a true “hand me down”. I also have a cedar chest that’s nearly 100 years old. My children have no appreciation for these things. I’ve begun pointing out things that are precious to me, but there is no guarantee they’ll remember. If they walked in while I’m still “here” and started going through my things, I’d be furious. I’d appreciate it more if they’d pitch in and wash floors and walls.

This is just how I feel and not meant to be fodder for argument or rebuttal.

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Ahmijoy, we have two cedar chests, both precious, one from my husbands grandfather and one from my mother and I’m sure they’re both approaching the 100 year mark. They were known as Hope chests to our foregone relatives and stored items they “hoped” to use in their homes one day. I’ve cleaned them both out and given the old contents to the family members they pertained to and now use them to store blankets. And there’s your overkill of info for today!

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I cleaned out my mom's house when she was in the hospital "for her safety" when she returned.

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I feel your pain! I have trouble breathing if surrounded by too many objects. Not from dust- from anxiety.

What my mother and I did was box up some of the treasures, date the box and move them to the garage. The next year, if the box hadn't been opened, we donated it sight unseen to the Goodwill.

It was a slow process and she will occasionally mourn those "beautiful individual soup crocks you made me give away" (Bought at a garage sale, held for 20 years, used zero times!)

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Which is precisely why treasure hunters such as myself check out the thrift stores like Goodwill on senior 50% off Tuesdays.....lol.

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Mom and Dad's clutter; should I start deciding what stays and what goes?

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