Mom and aunt are taking care of my grandparents. How can I help them and how can I save my relationship with my mother?

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Mom and aunt are taking care of my grandparents. How can I help them and how can I save my relationship with my mother?

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I work in LTC, specifically in a memory care unit. Recently my grandparents have moved, my grandma with my parents and my grandpa with my aunt and uncle (all live very close to each other). The plan was, since my aunt is retired, for grandpa to go with her since he was declining faster.

Fast forward about a month, and everyone is miserable. Grandpa has declined even more (doesnt recognize aunt or wife, worries about his money [this is why they were moving in with family first, to try and save money]). My mom and grandma are at each others throats, my mom has her own medical issues and I know she is exhausted, beyond exhausted. My grandma is very clearly displaying behaviors to make my parents do things for her that she doesn't want to do, and my mom is just about to break.

But here is where I am really worried, they aren't doing visits with my grandparents as much as I thought. They are ALL getting very snippy with each other, and I worry that things could become much worse. I am fearing for all my family's mental and physical health now.

How do I offer advice when one, I am still the "young one" of the family (I am 30) and no one wants to take me seriously or listen to any advice, because two they still treat like I know nothing and am just a kid. Also, how do I save my relationship with my mom who I love more than anyone, but I really don't agree with her behavior right now. I apologize for the novel here, just a lot to unpack and haven't had anyone to talk to and I can feel myself starting to crack.

Thanks in advance, K

Burnout Family Caregiver Mental Health Relationships

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You need to get in touch with the local Area Agency on Aging and have them do a "needs assessment" on both grandparents.

Your mom and aunt need to hear from a dispassionate professional what the needs and options are.

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Sounds like your families well made plans for your grandparents has backfired in their faces huh? Caregiving on paper sounds really great, but when put into action, well that's a whole different story, as your mom and aunt are finding out. I believe it's time to put grandma and grandpa back together in the nicest facility that they can afford, so they can live out their final years together, and your mom and aunt can get back to their lives and just enjoy their family without the added stress of caregiving. Not everyone is cut out to do that, and it's ok, just as long as grandma and grandpa get the help they now need and deserve in their final years.

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Maybe recommend what money is left is spent on their care in the LTC that u work in. When the money runs out, Medicaid can be applied for. Maybe grands can share a room. Have them put on a wing u don't work but ur there to check on them.

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No, they will not listen to you. A frequent discussion here is about relatives that want to advise, criticize and correct when they are not the one doing the caregiving. This must be frustrating for all and as Barb said, Mom (not you) needs to ask for help from the Area Agency on Aging. It is very hard to step back and let them figure it out. Maybe mom would be more receptive to help from someone that is not so emotionally involved.

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You have what Dr. Phil calls the Powdered Butt Syndrome. Once someone has changed your diaper and powdered your butt, they won't listen to your advice.

There is some very good advice here. I can't add to it. Maybe you need to back off and don't offer any advice. I have found over the years that unwanted advice does not work.

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If you stay out of the war, you save your relationship with your mother because you stop judging her behavior towards your grandmother. Keep your advice to yourself and let THEM work it out the way THEY see fit.

I grew up in a house where my mother's mother lived with us. It was a war zone. The screaming and carrying on that occurred was a living nightmare for me because I was forced to bear witness to it every day and suffer the stomach aches that went along with it. Had I not been in that environment, my life would have been a whole lot better.

I am 100% against parents living with their children in their old age, for obvious reasons. It just doesn't work and everyone suffers.

My mother calmed down when her mother moved out, but by then, all the damage had already been done. To each of us. Nobody gets out of a war without scars and a whole lot of suffering.

Live your own life. Have lunch with your mom once a week and talk about silly things. Don't involve yourself in the histrionics....your mother should speak to a therapist about those issues, not YOU.

Good luck.

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You can save your relationship with your mother by stopping giving her advice that she doesn’t want to hear. Perhaps you can (or already have) make it clear that there are other options you could suggest, if and when she wants to talk about it. You could do the same with your grandma. Or you could go in sideways – tell your father, your aunt and/or your grandfather how concerned you are about your mother, and ask if they would like to find out more about other options that would take some of the weight off her.

If all of them are legally competent and determined to keep on with this, even if it looks from the outside to be a disaster, unfortunately there really isn’t much you can do about it.

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Excellent advice!

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Is there someone you trust at your LTC such as a social worker who might be willing to have a chat with your parents and aunt or suggest someone else who can? This is not to try to convince them to use your facility, just to someone from outside the family who can assess at least grandfather and recommend options. If grandmother is still capable cognitively, this person might be able to show her brochures and talk about how nice the places are and how they can manage your needs and allow her to be "free" of things she doesn't want to do. They might also touch on the subject of her husband - she may not want to reside in the same place, esp if he's already forgotten who she is! It sounds like the best place for him is MC. She might do best in AL. If they are in the same facility and she wants to be with him sometimes, usually they can arrange visits.

Since grandfather is the more challenged, perhaps you could arrange to talk to your aunt and uncle when he is sleeping or otherwise occupied and suggest considering MC. It really IS a huge undertaking, and while "back in the day" families took on these duties, dementia really brings it to a whole different level and often is not something the average person or family can deal with.

If you can make progress with them, perhaps they might be willing to try taking grandmother in for a bit, to see if that works out better. If not, at least your mother would have some time to destress and perhaps be willing to listen. It mightl be harder to get grandmother to agree to AL, if she is still cognizant. We aren't even allowed to "force" those with dementia to move! But, there are ways to get grandfather to move, even if asking him results in NO.

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Time to call an end to the madness - everyone is unhappy. Get the grandparents to memory care or assisted living. Enough already

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It is madness. So sad.

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I think that a housekeeper is a huge help for anyone caregiving. It takes a lot of time cleaning a house and it gets pushed off because it is such physical work on top of caring. Then it starts eating away at the caregiver, because nothing is ever done and they start beating themselves up, just my opinion.

Your elders are so overwhelmed that they will not listen to you, so, I think that a letter detailing what you see, in a kind, non accusatory manner with ideas how this situation may be made better, AFTER you offer yourself to each so they can get a break, one day a week, a weekend a month, you will be surprised how much easier it will make it for them. Give at least 4 hours and an entire day if possible.

It will help you understand what it is really like for your mom and aunt. It will also create opportunities to implement ideas for beneficial solutions.

Can't have an opinion without a dog in the fight, so jump in and earn the right to express your ideas.

Mom and aunt are taking care of my grandparents. How can I help them and how can I save my relationship with my mother?

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