Hi,
My FIL passed away last 8/14/2021 and he was survived by his wife (my MIL) and his son (my husband) the problem is his wife has been showing signs of dementia for a couple of years, and she has been an utter handful due to COVID. Day centers were closed, placement was out of the question and the stress unfortunately lead to my FIL passing away.
My husband is trying to do everything in his power to do right by his mom, overall I cannot say she is an extremely difficult case per-se. She is just an attention starved person and I am sick of it. We have tried to find her placement, in our state MC is not covered by Medicaid, and due to the fact she requires 1-to-1 care unfortunately she has been kicked out of many SNF, and she is a wandering risk so assisted living is not possible.
Medications appear to have the paradoxical effect on her, or come with other side effects such as delusions, suicidal thoughts, vomiting, lack of eating, lack of sleeping. So her care team has given up on that approach, we even tried geriatric psych and they were unable to find something that would work for her that is relatively safe with minimal side effects. The problem is with attention and social interaction she is perfectly fine, the issue is until we go through all the appeals and hoops to get her the hours she requires my husband is left to flip the bill, which is one thing but he is also forced to give up his time.
We were meant to buy a house and start a family, and all of that went up in smokes because now he has to take care of his mother. She was never a good person prior to being sick, she has always been manipulative and not a team player. Her own family did not even bother to show up for my FIL funereal. I get she is alone, and she is the only blood related family he has left, but I cannot help but feel neglected. I know this is not his fault, but the reality I want his mother to die. Whenever I see her face I only picture choking, poisoning, pushing her down the stairs, watching her drown, in short I want her to suffer.
She has always treated me poorly and acted as if I am not good enough. As my FIL put it she was jealous of me, which I understand is normal. My Father did the same thing with my husband. The difference is my husband is a much kinder, and understanding person that no matter what horrible thing my family did or said about him he just smiled and took it, because he wanted to be with me. Even when I defend him, he always told me do not worry about it, he use to say I will grow on them like moss. I am just not that strong, I hate his mother, I wish she was the one to die and not his father. I hate the amount of suffering her and her family has caused them because they did not properly plan for their future. I hate the fact that I know my behavior causes my husband much stress, and I feel bad because I am trying to protect myself by distancing from the situation because I cannot do it. My MIL very existence causes me to massive anxiety.
I know I am a failure of a wife, but I cannot be by my husband's side during this time, I told him today I am moving out and need space. I am leaving my husband that has been nothing but understanding and supportive though my family's issues. I am not cut out to be a caregiver for someone I hate, or even be in the general area of the process that goes into. Every phone call my husband gets regarding her care my stomach flips and I want to vomit. We are in both couples and individual therapy and it pains me to see my husband sit there and blame himself.
This man legit apologized for showing his emotions and stress around me when dealing with his mother. He apologized for essentially being an advocate for his mother. Here I am putting myself first, while I leave the man I love behind because I am simply not built to care for someone I hate. I do not have the strength to forgive.
I hate this disease and what it does to families, I really am a b*** aren’t I? Such a horrible person.
https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147559252
https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147559376
https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147559425
I have not followed much of this thread, but if it is two different people and one persona is trying to keep information away from another is it wise to make the other persona aware of the other thread?
If this is real you might have just just added fuel to the fire.
You are at a cross road, it seems, and need to make a decision. His mother's life will be short. Your marriage, hopefully, will last for years.
He needs someone at his side during this difficult time. Your anger is so strong, you may need therapy to overcome it's effects. I guess it boils down to this: which is stronger, your love for him...or your hatred for his mother.
MIL has Vascular Dementia.
MIL was OK until she was widowed.
Son DOED want to place her into care but she is at that inbetween stage - not obvious for MC, but can't live alone.
"The problem is with attention and social interaction she is perfectly fine".
That makes this a little clearer to me. A parent with dementia & social needs for all day attention. - loses spouse - will seek next closest family member as replacement. In this case the OP's husband. (Not in an inappropriate way - for all day companionship).
Hence my earlier comment about 3 people in this marriage.
The OP has had to exit (temporarily). Makes sense!
I think the ball is in the husband's court now. He must work like crazy to gain that placement for his Mother, hire an Elder Care Coordinator, Social Worker etc but get this done. Asap. Then restore his marriage.
It's a bit nerdy, but some clear goals & a timeline could help here.
Helpless00, what timeframe would be reasonable for you?
One month? Three? Six?
Llamalover47
I will say maybe try to see it from his point of view, the system has not done much to help him, and they are asking him to simply let the worse thing happen and only then will they help out his mom. The system is not easy to deal with during that middle stage of Dementia, and especially during this time Medicaid funded facilities are not the best. The staff will not play nice with a difficult resident she will playing ping pong between hospital to facility. They will not deal with her especially if he is reluctant to sedate her.
Your MIL is younger, and lost her husband not even a year ago. I can understand why he is trying to protect and sustain her quality of life for as long as possible. I am not married so cannot speak from that perspective.
it appears your husband has the means to support you and partially support his Mother.
He can move back home and get an aide or companion for his Mother.
he can visit once a week for Sunday dinner. Why all this drama?
When someone is living alone as his Mother is, but not independent (due to Vas Dem in this case) his phone is probably blowing up with her needs all day long. The needs can grow & take over the caregiver's time/life until they are both living the SAME life - the Mother's.
You are right. He could step back, go for dinner once a week (ie put firm boundaries in place). At present he is trying to help his Mom, help solve the crises (as is a loving thing for a son to do).
It may take him some time to figure out whether this is possible or not.
this stress, aren’t good. Don’t feed the negatives with such thoughts as it will only damage your soul. Prayers for you and your family to get the help and support you need 🙏
Vascular Dementia = "VD"
The other one is MC= memory care and SNF= skilled nursing facility.
Why are you stuck taking care of her? Shouldn't it be him? He is her son. Why was it up to you?
Is there a way to keep working with a doc to try new or tweak meds to find something that works? There has to be something.
What about the geriatric psych ward? I hear they take the pt in, and tweak meds until they are manageable. I have heard of nice people getting kicked out of nursing homes bc they got their nights/days mixed up, and would go to the nurses station and hang out and bother the nurses. So anyone who is a bother can be removed.
I would have her son consult with her geriatric doctor or get one, and tell him/her that the situation is intolerable. See what they say. I'm sure this isn't the first person who has been a real problem with dementia. They deal with this all the time.
There are ways your husband can deal in the meantime.
You can look up how to deal with a stubborn or difficult person with dementia. Here is one. There are others.
https://betterhealthwhileaging.net/qa-rude-resistant-aging-parent/
I would start with a geriatric doc bc they know about meds. I can't believe they went thru all of them, and that's it.
How is the MIL one one one care? They don't even do that at nursing homes. Can your husband hire someone now to help or get some down time?
I really hope you can both de-pressurize a bit and don't end the relationship. I'm sure your husb is suffering too. You can't change her and the dementia, but you can work on how to react to it. And try (I know it isnt easy). You can always vent on here. Good luck.
It seems the husband is this perennial people pleaser who lets both Mom and then his wife run his life. The hospitals and APS keep discharging the mom home against his wishes, but the only time she won't fall apart is when he's there. Then when and if he goes to his own home, it's with a woman who threatened to kill his mom...and it's no big deal?
Tbh if I was in the wife's position I cannot even begin to think how would handle this, what she is feeling is understandable. Sure it may be over the top but given the manipulation present and lack of help from the system cause the mother does not meet the criteria must be draining. The fact they discharged someone back to their home despite a family member saying it is not safe is insane to me. I get it if she meets their criteria for discharge they are free to do so.
The mother needs some help, but it appears the son tried almost everything. Overall this family seems to have many issues and it sucks.