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Vascular dementia is abbreviated VaD. Please edit the title so that it's not confused with venereal disease (VD).
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DILKimba Jan 2022
THANK YOU! Although VD might contribute to mental health issues.... ;-)
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To be honest I think your husband is the lucky one that you are leaving it is his mother after all no matter what you feel about her so I would say your husband is better off without you
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PatsyN Jan 2022
Reporting your miserable comments.
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You need to go chill somewhere or take a trip alone . Get away from the situation . Being an adult means being responsible . He doesn’t sound like the right fit and it’s probably best you don’t have children . Come to terms with your anger . Hoping you get some therapy to process these emotions . Taking care of a ill parent is a lot of work .
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I'm unclear, your MIL has venereal disease VD? Your post says nothing about this, what did I miss?
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MJ1929 Jan 2022
Vascular Dementia
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There are multiple long threads at the Alz forum. Here’s 3. Over there, Mom’s running the show, had multiple psych issues prior to a stroke, per son, isn’t medicated ‘because she refuses/ is intolerant of all meds’, intolerance including being ‘sleepy’, and neither son or wife is cut out to handle the manipulation. Odd that they both mention trying (DIL, per son) or wanting (son) to kill her/end her suffering, though she’s apparently quite healthy. Again, story changes as to mom’s cognitive status. He notes he is on the ‘spectrum’, so not well equipped, both seeing therapists.

https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147559252

https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147559376

https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147559425
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Nokonoko Jan 2022
Only one of the links is working. With that, is it fair to cross link? Based off the link that worked in short persona A wants to end the suffering out of mercy, and persona B wants to cause suffering out of malice.

I have not followed much of this thread, but if it is two different people and one persona is trying to keep information away from another is it wise to make the other persona aware of the other thread?

If this is real you might have just just added fuel to the fire.
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Not sure if I have much to add here, but as I see it, you should continue to support your husband from a distance, with clear boundaries (maybe moving out, maybe staying, not sure). Advise DH that mom needs medications or this craziness will never abate. I understand his reticence about meds, but he and his mom are not the same person (even if they are both on the spectrum...). Her needs are clearly different than his. If he continues to choose mom-without-meds over you, you have clear reasons to leave. Please don't consider having children until his choice is made between you and his mom. When the dust settles, take time to forgive all (including yourself!) for your own sake, even if you leave your marriage. Forgiveness doesn't mean no boundaries/staying in a bad situation. I pray the best for you.
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I hear you completely and would most definitely feel the same way and evidently she was never the best or even a good mother. Why wouldn't you hate her for her behaviors and taking your husband from you? You have every right. I wish there was some way for your husband to see that his first duty is to you if he wants to keep the marriage. For whatever reason, this is not happening. Keep going for counseling to see if there is a breakthrough. But in the meantime, to the extent possible, you MUST REMOVE HER AND PLACE HER. If the marriage is to be, don't go so far away that you can't come back. But face the fact that there are times in life, no matter how much we don't want to do what we have to do to survive, we have to do things that are horribly foreign for us to do. Sometimes we have no choice but to move on if we are being harmed. And we come first.
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MJ1929 Jan 2022
She doesn't live with her.
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Consider that no matter how DH handles his mother, she will not last long. It will SEEM like forever, but in her condition, it won't be. It sounds like you do love your husband, but if you leave him, it's possible you may lose him. You may say that won't happen, but he is under tremendous stress now. Wonderful as he sounds, he isn't super-human.

You are at a cross road, it seems, and need to make a decision. His mother's life will be short. Your marriage, hopefully, will last for years.

He needs someone at his side during this difficult time. Your anger is so strong, you may need therapy to overcome it's effects. I guess it boils down to this: which is stronger, your love for him...or your hatred for his mother.
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MargaretMcKen Jan 2022
There is no reason to think that MIL's life will be short. She's in her early 60s, strong as an ox, intimidating, and a master manipulator.
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I went back to the start here.
MIL has Vascular Dementia.
MIL was OK until she was widowed.

Son DOED want to place her into care but she is at that inbetween stage - not obvious for MC, but can't live alone.

"The problem is with attention and social interaction she is perfectly fine".

That makes this a little clearer to me. A parent with dementia & social needs for all day attention. - loses spouse - will seek next closest family member as replacement. In this case the OP's husband. (Not in an inappropriate way - for all day companionship).

Hence my earlier comment about 3 people in this marriage.

The OP has had to exit (temporarily). Makes sense!

I think the ball is in the husband's court now. He must work like crazy to gain that placement for his Mother, hire an Elder Care Coordinator, Social Worker etc but get this done. Asap. Then restore his marriage.

It's a bit nerdy, but some clear goals & a timeline could help here.

Helpless00, what timeframe would be reasonable for you?

One month? Three? Six?
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Helpless00: I am sorry that your MIL's vascular dementia seems to be unmanageable with medication(s). However, please reconsider leaving your marriage as possibly there is another avenue to explore. Hugs and love.
Llamalover47
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I took the time to read both sides, and I would like tell you I am sorry. For what it is worth it does seem like your husband does love you, and he does not want things to be play out this way. He seems like he is extremely understanding to what you are going through and wish you did not have to be involved in it. If you take the time to read the other forum you can see if he just equally as frustrated, and he does care about what you are going through. It might be hard, but I do think this may be something worth fighting for. I hope you guys work things out.

I will say maybe try to see it from his point of view, the system has not done much to help him, and they are asking him to simply let the worse thing happen and only then will they help out his mom. The system is not easy to deal with during that middle stage of Dementia, and especially during this time Medicaid funded facilities are not the best. The staff will not play nice with a difficult resident she will playing ping pong between hospital to facility. They will not deal with her especially if he is reluctant to sedate her.

Your MIL is younger, and lost her husband not even a year ago. I can understand why he is trying to protect and sustain her quality of life for as long as possible. I am not married so cannot speak from that perspective.
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The average length of life for Vascular Dementia patients after diagnosis is 5 years. (According to Johns Hopkins study: Alzheimers is 5 to 8 yrs). Their pre-diagnosis health, of course, is a factor. But the increased occurrence of falls and other types of accidental injuries is factored in, along with the patient's non-compliance in treatment of any medical conditions.
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Debstarr53 Jan 2022
I hate to tell you this, but that average of 5 years is NOT true. My mom has Vascular Dementia and has had it for about 10 years. It's many years of slow, slow decline and misery for family members.
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I am just going to offer suggestion because my brain is fried after reading all of this.

it appears your husband has the means to support you and partially support his Mother.

He can move back home and get an aide or companion for his Mother.

he can visit once a week for Sunday dinner. Why all this drama?
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Beatty Jan 2022
While I agree in theory, I believe the OP's husband's time & life is being devoured.

When someone is living alone as his Mother is, but not independent (due to Vas Dem in this case) his phone is probably blowing up with her needs all day long. The needs can grow & take over the caregiver's time/life until they are both living the SAME life - the Mother's.

You are right. He could step back, go for dinner once a week (ie put firm boundaries in place). At present he is trying to help his Mom, help solve the crises (as is a loving thing for a son to do).

It may take him some time to figure out whether this is possible or not.
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Sure hope you can get counseling. It’s a lot to have dropped in your lap and I get it that it’s not what you thought you signed up for. Your husband sounds like an incredibly loving person. I feel bad he’s having to choose between his mom or you. Please get some help to sort this out in your mind. Thoughts of killing your MIL, while they might be normal under all
this stress, aren’t good. Don’t feed the negatives with such thoughts as it will only damage your soul. Prayers for you and your family to get the help and support you need 🙏
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Not everyone knows what all the abbreviations are. Perhaps as you use them spell out the meaning first then include the fabrication so there will be no question what you are referring to.

Vascular Dementia = "VD"
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Jasmina Jan 2022
I thought it was venereal disease! Now I'm laughing about . Thought that was odd thing to say lol.
The other one is MC= memory care and SNF= skilled nursing facility.
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I am so sorry you are going thru that. I know the stress can be overwhelming. I feel so bad your your situation. At least you are both getting counseling. That is something positive.
Why are you stuck taking care of her? Shouldn't it be him? He is her son. Why was it up to you?
Is there a way to keep working with a doc to try new or tweak meds to find something that works? There has to be something.
What about the geriatric psych ward? I hear they take the pt in, and tweak meds until they are manageable. I have heard of nice people getting kicked out of nursing homes bc they got their nights/days mixed up, and would go to the nurses station and hang out and bother the nurses. So anyone who is a bother can be removed.
I would have her son consult with her geriatric doctor or get one, and tell him/her that the situation is intolerable. See what they say. I'm sure this isn't the first person who has been a real problem with dementia. They deal with this all the time.
There are ways your husband can deal in the meantime.
You can look up how to deal with a stubborn or difficult person with dementia. Here is one. There are others.
https://betterhealthwhileaging.net/qa-rude-resistant-aging-parent/
I would start with a geriatric doc bc they know about meds. I can't believe they went thru all of them, and that's it.
How is the MIL one one one care? They don't even do that at nursing homes. Can your husband hire someone now to help or get some down time?
I really hope you can both de-pressurize a bit and don't end the relationship. I'm sure your husb is suffering too. You can't change her and the dementia, but you can work on how to react to it. And try (I know it isnt easy). You can always vent on here. Good luck.
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In the thread below, the OP's husband claimed that OP herself literally tried to kill the mom, but was separated by the husband. https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?g=posts&t=2147559425

It seems the husband is this perennial people pleaser who lets both Mom and then his wife run his life. The hospitals and APS keep discharging the mom home against his wishes, but the only time she won't fall apart is when he's there. Then when and if he goes to his own home, it's with a woman who threatened to kill his mom...and it's no big deal?
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Nokonoko Jan 2022
Based off the threads all of them are hurting, both the OP and her husband have had moments of weakness that led them to do things that probably are not in their character. The mother is a manipulative person, and it is clear she needs help from a safety perspective, yet if the hospital has discharged her then clearly the hospitals are trying to avoid the situation.

Tbh if I was in the wife's position I cannot even begin to think how would handle this, what she is feeling is understandable. Sure it may be over the top but given the manipulation present and lack of help from the system cause the mother does not meet the criteria must be draining. The fact they discharged someone back to their home despite a family member saying it is not safe is insane to me. I get it if she meets their criteria for discharge they are free to do so.

The mother needs some help, but it appears the son tried almost everything. Overall this family seems to have many issues and it sucks.
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This is frightening to me: ".... the reality I want his mother to die. Whenever I see her face I only picture choking, poisoning, pushing her down the stairs, watching her drown, in short I want her to suffer." I hate just assuming "She doesn't mean it." I think she does. I fear for the physical safety of both the mother and the husband.
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