She is 84 and had a stroke a couple months ago. Although she can maneuver fairly well with walker assistance, she is no longer able to live by herself. I am a single mom, and my son will be moving out within the next month to a place of his own. I was looking forward, at 55 years old, to finally, for the 1st time in my life, taking care of just myself, enjoying time alone (which i love and crave), and this happened. Now im mentally devestated. My mom and i are extremely different, yet we get along fairly well because i do what i have to make it that way. She has another daughter and a son, but they live too far away to be of assistance. Mom is not financially able to live in assisted care, and refuses to be anywhere than with me. Im having a very difficult time being a shell of an existence. My mother did not raise me, yet we have been close most of our lives. I just to know how to find a way to accept my new responsibility, knowing that it will change everything about what i was looking forward to. I know this isnt how my mom had hoped to be either. She is a beautiful lady, and i would never say anything that would hurt her feelings. Telling her how im feeling is not an option. It would destroy the level of calm that exists now between us.
I'm 66 and if the money was there, would have Mom in an AL. I agree that she lived her life the way she wanted, now its your time. As long as she is safe, clean, fed and you visit and do what u can, I don't see why you should feel guilty.
Thank you for your comment and support. The problem I have is that visiting my mother would be an enormous expense to me. She lives in a senior residence 1,000 miles from me and has no extra bedroom. Her apartment is filled with her medical devices and so on. I cannot afford to fly there, stay in a hotel and pay for ground transportation. If I had that much money I would take a much needed vacation myself (have not had one in 13 years). In her mind, a trip to see her would be like a trip to paradise. That is certainly not the case. She and other family members are frequently sending me travel bargain updates as to how I could "afford" to go visit her. It is very annoying. How about sending me a check if they think it is such a "bargain"? This creates a lot of stress for me. I can barely pay my own bills, live alone and if I had the money I would take a actual vacation for myself. They have no clue and seem to think I do not care. I am weary of their instructions on how I can visit my mother. She purchased a non refundable 4 day vacation package for $4,000 earlier this year. Due to yet another fall she took, she was unable to take the trip.
That is too bad. I never had $4,000 for a vacation package. If she wanted to see me so badly she could have sent me the money for travel, hotel and ground transportation to visit her. She did not. So why should I dig into my pockets to satisfy her desires? It never ends. I will spend my hard earned money as I see fit. I am very tired of the guilt trips and so on.
I do only what I can. She is comfortable where she is and as you say, I am not guilty of neglect. I can hardly talk to her anymore as she never lets up about me coming to visit. I love her, but these requests are out of hand and are causing me a lot of stress.
No one goes out of there way to
visit me or help me. That is okay, but I am not able to fulfill what they seem to think should be a priority for me. My priority is to make sure I stay sane and keep a roof over my head. It is sad that all she can see is that I do not visit her.
You rock!!!
So now they are planning a luxury 2 week cruise to Barcelona. These are the people that keep sending me bargain updates on how I can visit Mom. I am glad she is going on a cruise, but really how can these people badger me to spend my money to visit?
The irony that she spends so much money on her own amusements and is not quite so interested in having me visit her that she would pay for it (this would not be a "vacation" - just a labor of love for me) is so shocking.
I am now definitely sure I will take a vacation when I can afford one - and skip the visit to my mom for the time being. As the world seems to revolve around her, I am sure she will offer to pay for a visit if some time passes and I do not have disposable funds of my own to do it.
I'll be!!
Please go take that vacation - for yourself and for me who won't be getting a "real" vacation for a while.
Thank you all for your thoughtful replies and your support. I really appreciate it! Glad to know that others in the same position "get it". In addition to my mom I have 5 siblings, most who think I am selfish and insensitive. They all have money and property (I rent an apartment and am almost finished paying off debts I incurred after a long illness). I support myself and have very modest means.The trip is going on the credit card too! They have no Idea what my circumstances are, they do not pay my bills and they have been very liberal in their criticism of me. I always helped my mom when she was here. Also as a girl I was the oldest daughter and did plenty of housework, cooking and babysitting when my mom divorced my dad. I am never married (they all have been) and take plenty of vacations as well. It is really ok for me to concern myself with myself. Thanks you all for the thumbs up:)
My mother may take any trip she wishes and she always has. She moved away when she divorced and that's what she wanted to do.
I was very sick for 10 years and she never came to help me. That is okay, but it left me very broke (in debt, no money).
You and others suggesting there is something personal or psychological is not accurate. It is a practical financial matter. I know this is a hard concept for people with lots of disposable income to get their head around, but I simply don't have it. That is the crux of the matter. If she dies I am at peace.
Thank you for your comment.
The concept of "I wish I had done that" does not usually cross my mind. I really have given it my all. I even got her a place to live right around the block from be but she wanted to move to Florida.
What bothers me most is the insistence of others of how "easy" this would be and how I would "regret" it if I did not do this and that.
Our family is not close and they are all over the country. I always spent lots of time with my grandparents and elderly relatives who stayed nearby. (I live in NYC - that is where our family is from.) None of the younger ones who are far away are particularly welcoming regarding visits and frankly I can't afford the trips. That's just how it is.
You have a very devoted son, apparently, who has economic means. That's great. Not everyone is in that position.
I miss my aunt very much. She lived nearby and I spent as much time with her as possible. She was the only sensible one in the family. At least I had her.
Thanks for writing and understanding. Some family members can really put you through the test. Good luck to you too!