I live with my 74-year-old father in the family home. The house is in disrepair. Ceiling tiles are falling in living room. There are huge holes and rips in the linoleum in the kitchen and first bathroom.
The floor in front of the toilet in the first bathroom is sinking, and I'm afraid it will eventually break through. The sink and the bathtub haven't been used since my mom died in 2017; my dad claims they leak and it took him forever to find the sweet spots. I am not allowed to touch them or move the hose in tub.
We have an unknown plumbing issue. Every so often, the pipe in the basement will "gurgle up," leaving toilet paper, feces, and urine all over the basement floor that then needs to be swept out and sanitized. This happens approximately every two months. My father's solution is to pour bleach down the basement drain.
The gutters haven't been cleaned in 5+ years. When it rains, water pools on the back patio and drains down a hole in the side of the house, into the basement.
All kitchen and household appliances are approximately 20 years old. The washer finally broke two days ago, and the dryer is on it's last legs.
I have tried, several times, tactfully to raise the subject of getting these things assessed and repaired, and have offered to go half on the expenses. Each time, I am met with excuses. "I can't afford it. The foundation might be cracked. They'll have to dig up the driveway. I'm too old. I don't have the stamina to deal with that."
When the washer broke, I was met with hostility and personal attacks that were out of place and confusing to me. "What did you do to the washer? You can't afford to own a home! I can't afford this! This house is nothing but a money-sink! It'll cost $20,000 just in repairs!"
I then suggested selling up now, while he's still alive, and move into a smaller home that is much easier to maintain. I was given more excuses. "I'm too old. I don't have the mental or physical stamina to do that."
I agree with my father that making these repairs will be expensive. However, whilst the home remains in this state of disrepair, he keeps giving away large sums to churches and charities. $1200 to a neighbor's church last month for Christmas. $800 every three months to Second Harvest. $300 every month to another neighbor's church. He is two months' behind on his phone bill, and he owes me $185.97, which he borrowed to buy xmas presents for my siblings. I did not get a xmas present.
I have suggested donating to charity after the house is repaired. I have suggested making a single repair one month, then a charity donation the next month, then a repair the third month, and so on. I have suggested that he would be in a better position to help others if he wasn't suddenly caught by a broken bathroom floor, for example, but instead dealt with it head-on. Each time, he gets a constipated look on his face and shuts down the conversation. I have even said God helps those who help themselves. It had no effect.
We are getting a new washer, but it took an enormous fight and I'm going to be washing my clothes in the sink for a couple of weeks while he "makes up his mind.".
I have just gotten a second job and have started to look for an apartment close by. I am angry all the time. I cannot deal with him in close quarters every single day anymore.
What do I do, aside from re-establishing my personal space and new boundaries? What on earth *can* I do? I am Power of Attorney. Do I have grounds for filing a motion for a mental incompetency declaration?
I'm also Executor and it is in the Will that I'm to sell the house immediately upon his death and split the proceeds equally with my siblings. He wants those proceeds to go to us as his gift to us, our inheritance, but if he doesn't take care of the house, and doesn't leave any money to repair the house later because he keeps giving it away, what inheritance?
Is he doing this on purpose?
Moving out sounds like a good idea. Although, does this mean your dad will be alone? Will he allow a caregiver to assist him? How does he feel about you leaving?
Sounds like you need to assert yourself - stand up to your dad and get the repairs done (before things get worse, which it will). If you do not have a legal standing, he will need to decide how to live. You cannot do for him what he won't do for himself, unless you can make decisions, legally, on his behave.
If you do not take control now - the house may continue to breakdown and then what - ? Is your dad waiting for it to cave in ? That he doesn't seem to care about the condition of the house would call into question his mental functioning; sounds like your dad is unable to make these needed decisions and instead rationalizes leaving $ to you/his family. Yes, the floor could cave in. There could be rot / water, etc. or worse. Waiting will certainly make the situation worse.
Your dad cannot continue to live in an unsafe home. Find out what legal rights you have and get the house repaired. He needs to be in a safe structure / foundation whatever the cost. Right? I agree, you need to leave. And he may need to be in an apt for a few months while the house is getting repaired. Something needs to change - and soon.
Gena / Touch Matters