I may have to take my mom's dog away from her. Any advice?

Remove this old dog and out him where? If you surrender him to an animal shelter he will likely not get adopted given all the competition by younger animals. This dog is 11 years old. The dog doesn't know that he's sick and is probably quite happy with her, so before you remove your mother's dog forever, try putting the dog in another room while your mother eats so she cannot share her food with him.

I would bring the dog into my own house with my husband, daughter, and my own two dogs that get along with him. If I let him stay with my Mom he will have a painful death of having chronic diarrhea which is in humane. The dog quite definitely feels sick and I can tell when he becomes very lethargic. My Mother can come and move in as well. I am dealing with a difficult situation daily and NYdaughter's comment was extremely insulting! I though I could come here for support, I guess not.

You said Mom has dementia. She can't reason as to feeding this dog. If you can take the dog into you home that is good. No sense him suffering. Can you get her a bird or some other pet that's not so hands on? She is still on her own?

I would think very hard about moving mom into your house. That can be very difficult. With dementia her care is only going to get more difficult.

And finally, I don't understand what you are upset about. This is a great forum and you will get good advice. You don't have to accept it but people will offer their thoughts.

Maybe your mother cannot remember to refrain from feeding the dog inappropriate food or it could be that her ability to resist doing it is impaired. Either way, I would try to keep the dog away from her while she has food in her hands. So if you can't supervise her to prevent it, then I would try to find placement for the dog. Is the dog of a breed that you might find a rescue group that would take him? Some shelters do not kill the animals.

When dementia struck my cousin, I had to return her beloved cat to the rescue where she had adopted the cat from. Luckily, they are a no-kill rescue and their pets are never put down unless it's medically necessary. Did she get the dog from a place like that? If so, many of them have contracts that bind you to return the animal if you can't keep them for any reason.

My cousin overfed her cat and also acted so obsessed with cat, following it around, that it stressed the cat out. The cat was no longer happy around her and had started spraying and going out of its litter box. It hurt her, but she has forgotten about the cat due to her dementia.

With dementia, your mother may be approaching the time when she'll need additional living help beyond living alone in her condo. One way the need for more appropriate feeding of the dog can be met is to see if you can find someone who cares for animals in their spare time, someone like those who take in animals while the family is on vacation, or who starts a dog-walking service.

These people typically love animals. It isn't a high paying sideline.

You could try to find someone who can come in to feed the dog, under some acceptable guise such as you want to help her out with dog care, the person is studying to be a vet, or a younger person might be working on an animal care badge for a scouting group.

You might try to tell her that this person needs to assume a high level of care for an animal in order to meet his/her long term educational standards, or to get the badge....the question is whether or not your mother would remember.

I'm wondering also about her diet; is she eating high fat, high sugar foods? Is it possible that you could change her diet to make it more healthful so that scraps aren't as harmful to the dog, as well as provide a menu that she can consult to feed the dog - make it a ritual... every day she can look at the menu to decide which of several items (preferably canned dog food) to feed the dog.

Another option is to make your own dog food; some organic gardeners I know do this, and it's a lot healthier than the canned food. You could package it in jars with pretty ribbons and label it as dog food. Maybe she can adapt to this thinking it's a special treat for the dog.

Thank you everyone for all comments and suggestions. I appreciate your help. I'm sorry for not sounding appreciative. I think I have reached a breaking point with my Mom as I have been her sole source of support for the past four years. My brother and sister live out of state and visit twice a year for a few days or a week at most. My Mom lives on a fixed income and Living in CA. the cost of facilities to live are very high, many with sub par care.

My Mom is a bit of a narcissist and very controlling. She does not take my suggestions very often if at all. Now, with her increasing dementia I don't know what to expect.

My husband and I took her car away nine months ago because of her multiple accidents and concern for her safety and especially the safety of others. It was not taken lightly by my mother.

I finally used my POA to get her mail forwarded to my house. For the past several years she has been sending money or checks overseas entering contests to win thousands of dollars. I kept reminding her of scams and stealing of identities but to no avail. I haven't yet told her that her mail has been forwarded to my address for fear of her rage and anger.

I am fortunate to have a loving husband who supports me in my efforts. Thank you all for reading.

I have no answer but I have a problem that is almost identical with my 92 year old mom and her maltese! We have even tried writing a note "from the vet" that we put in front of her dish at the table every day to remind her not to feed the dog, but she does it anyhow. My mother is FIXATED and obsessed with this little dog she loves so much! What to do???

I didn't read NYdaughter's comment to be insulting. It's honest. Nobody is going to adopt an 11 year old dog... (well, I mean they COULD, but it's rare...) - I really don't think she meant to be insulting to you at all. Putting the dog in another room (and I have only read the first couple of comments so far) might work? Just know that we all try to help each other and if we can't help, then we can at least say, "hey, I am going through that, too!" - But really I don't think she meant to make you feel bad. You are definitely doing nothing wrong at all by asking for help and this really is a great place to ask for it. :)

Laura, ok I got to all the comments and I want to tell you that my mom, too, is also a little narcissistic and very VERY OCD and controlling! (Neurotic!) - I just want to say I am right where you are at in this issue! Maybe you could try to say it's time to take the dog out to pee or something while mom is eating and make that a daily thing. Just kind of get the dog occupied while mom eats breakfast and dinner?

I think you already have a solution because you already mentioned it. If you're actually up to it, it sounds like moving your mom and her dog into your house with you and your family is probably a very wise move. That way, there's constant supervision of everything your mom does including with her dog. It would be hard to separate when you've had a pet from a baby if this happens to be the case. I also like some of the other ideas that were mentioned here as well. Taking the dog out for a walk while your mom is eating is definitely a big help as well as the other idea of putting the dog in another room while your mom's eating. It may not be a very good idea to leave your mom out on her own she's pretty bad off. This is why I mentioned how you have the ultimate solution right in front of you. If your mom is living with you and your family at your house, you'll want to make sure there's always someone available to tend to the dog and someone else who can draw your mom's attention away from feeding the dog unhealthy food. If one person can tend to the dog, and another person can tend to your mom, this would definitely be a smart strategy. Maybe someone else can completely take over the feeding responsibilities of the dog so that the dog can still stay with your mom. The dog by actually like having additional people around, especially when the dog realizes someone else is trying to help restore his or her health. I'm sure the dog knows he or she is sick, but I'm not sure he or she realizes what's causing that illness. This is why someone else really needs to take action, and I really like your solution as well as you don't go through burnout. As long as you have the help and support that you need, you should be fine, but definitely know where your limits are.

id like to have the dog . im canning potatoes and ran short of ham sooner than expected .

Thanks 1Rarefind for your thoughtful suggestions. I have asked my Mom to move in and also said it would really be helpful to me so I wouldn't have to keep going back and forth as well as trying to maintain two homes. Her answer was that she understood it would be easier for me however she said she is not ready yet. That she will let me know when that time comes.

I can't be there to monitor when she feeds Sammy, which is throughout the day and not just at meal times. Her dog is having an ultrasound on Jan.19th and hoping for additional answers and suggestions from the vet. I just have to tell myself I am doing the best I can and hopefully I am doing the right things.

OK, what I was thinking in order to save the dogs life is to go ahead and take the dog in if possible, and just take the dogs over for visits when you go see your mom. If someone doesn't take the dog in, that dog is definitely going to die just from what you're describing the dog is going through. You're right, diarrhea will kill any living being, and unhealthy food not designed for the dog won't help matters any. Wherever takes the dog and then should be someone your mom loves and trusts to do the right thing. If someone doesn't take over the care of that dog right away it will be very detrimental to that dog and it will definitely make things worse for your mom when she loses that dog. Think of her as having the mind of a child. You would never ever leave a young child home alone with a dog, right? Likewise, just from what you're describing, it's not a very good idea to leave a dog home alone with someone with dementia who is experiencing rapid mental decline and no longer understands the needs of the dog. This is not fair to the dog to constantly have illness forced upon him or her just because someone they trust is supposed to provide for them and keep them healthy.

I'm going to reveal a little secret to you:

My surrogate dad developed dementia but he really likes cats. However, he knew not to take on pets. Though he enjoyed watching cats run around his neighborhood, he knew his limits because he knew he could not properly provide for a cat. There was a short time when we both took care of a cat that strayed into his building. The only reason why he took care of the cat and kept it at his apartment is because I was around to help him oversee it. He regularly fed and watered the cat. He got to know the cat's daily habits and when the cat would need to go out. The cat really enjoyed staying with dad for the time it lasted. The cat paddle way of being a blessing to us both. However, one morning the cat went out at the usual time and never came back. The cat usually came back at a certain time each day. However, we were both puzzled by the cat not coming back after staying with us for quite a while. I think this among other contributors had something to do with dad's decline. We saw a cat similar to ours appear in the local newspaper. The cat was at the shelter and I gave the shelter a call to let them know that it's possible this cat may have been stolen by the slumlord my dad was renting from, because dad specified that as soon as the slumlord came around, the cat vanished. The cat we think the cat that vanished from us was male, (but the one in the paper happened to be female). We never found out whatever happened to the cat, and the slumlord was very distant afterword. Though dad eventually got so bad he could no longer live alone, I'm sure that somewhere in his mind he will somehow remember our cat though he's no longer able to take care of an animal.

I hope that in your case, you will be able to find someone to take over the dog's care on behalf of your mom and still let her see the dog. I think at this point, taking the dog is the only thing that's going to save his or her life. Think of this situation as being similar to putting something into a trust. Yes, I'm thinking of electing a trustee to take over the care of the dog but see to it it your mom gets visitation, because it's still her dog though someone has taken over the care of that dog. I think what you may want to do is to start setting with your mom until she falls asleep for starters. Then, when she's finally sound asleep, that's when you can quietly slip the dog out of her house and to the house of the elected trustee. Just make sure the dog is not sleeping in the bed with her and preferably not in the same room. That way, it will be much easier to slip the dog out and into the safe keeping of the elected trustee. If the dog will readily come to you and go for a walk with you, that would be how to get the dog out of the house if the dog actually trusts you. If you can accomplish taking the dog for a walk, have another family member or even a friend meet you around the corner where your mom cannot see what's going on. In the days of cell phones, you can actually call the person with the awaiting car to come around the block and pick you up with the dog when you reach your destination.

Your next move is how to deal with your mom when she discovers the dog missing. This is where it's going to be up to you to know how to get through to her and that the dog is OK. Again, this will be up to you since you know her and you know how to reach her in ways that no one else can. One thing you would need to do is to reassure her that she will see your dog again but for his or her own good, whoever the elected trustee is had to take emergency custody of the dog to save it's life. Remind her that you know how much she really loves this dog, and remind her that if she really loves this dog that much, she will agree to allowing what's best for the dog, which is allowing a trustee to intervene on the dogs behalf.

* Remind her that this will actually save the dog's life

Somehow someone definitely needs to make some kind of agreement and arrangement that can be supervised to make sure that any agreement is upheld by whoever is trusted to the dog's care and visitations to the rightful owner.

I know a lot of people who are in their right mind who can't properly care for a dog, cat, goldfish...........you name it.

You wouldn't let an old war vet with ptsd have a hand grenade so letting someone who doesn't have the reasoning skills to care for themselves own a pet is probably not a good idea. Its sad but if you really are worried about this animal you will have to take it somewhere where it can be looked after properly.

I would not remove her pet. If overfeeding is the biggest issue, then take the dog out to pee or something when she's eating. Personally I couldn't get rid of the one thing in this world she loved (almost) the most! I wouldn't do that to her. The pet gives her "purpose" and an outlet to love.

I must make something clear to those who may not agree with removing the pet from a life threatening situation like this. Put yourselves in the shoes of a dog on the verge of death. Would you not want someone to rescue you and save your life? I would certainly think so. Take it from someone who was rescued and nearly died. Pets basic survival needs are no different than humans. Animals can die just as easily as any other living being when they are being malnourished such as this poor dog not being fed proper nutrition. Those who would say not to remove a dying dog from this kind of situation obviously hasn't experienced the body attacking itself from severe malnutrition, which is exactly what's going on with this poor dog. It takes someone who's actually been there to understand what this dog is actually going through and why rescue is so important in order to save that life. Dog pounds go after neglected animals every day, and many of them come from people who could no longer take care of them properly. Animal rescue groups actually crack down on animal abuse and neglect, especially when they must rescue a starving and nearly dead animal. In fact, I saw on social media recently where there are new laws either on the ballot or in effect where animal cruelty can now be treated as a more serious offense. Knowing this is exactly why I think that it's actually a far better that a family member of this person is willing to step in and intervene rather than having the authorities step in. I would much rather see a family member rescue an animal in a dangerous and life-threatening situation rather than to say the authorities have to step in in such cases similar to this where an elderly person can no longer take care of the pet. Having the authorities step into this type of situation would add insult to injury where dementia patients are involved. This is why I'm glad this case has a willing family member willing to rescue the dog and save that life rather than to see the dementia patient being punished. This would not help matters any at all, which is why I'm proud of the original poster being willing to intervene when really things could be far worse for that dementia patient. I really hope for a positive outcome and a happy ending for this dog.

Thank you, 1RareFind, tomorrow I take my Mom's dog Sammy to have his ultrasound done at the vet's office. My Mom has actually STOPPED feeding him all the wrong things as of yesterday. Did his illness finally sink in or is she not as demented as once thought. This is probably the most frustrating thing that I have concerning my Mom. If she is finally able to stop feeding him garbage because she finally realized the potential of his illness, then is she faking her dementia at certain times? So difficult to know.

I will be an advocate for the dog and will step in if I have to, and I pray that I don't. Of course I realize how much she loves him and yes, the dog is probably the most important thing in her life right now but I will do what is humanely necessary if I have to. Thanks for all the comments and advice, I appreciate it very much.

Okay - call me a lazy moron if someone already mentioned this - I admitt I haven't read all the replies. Is mom by chance giving her dog chocolate or anything with chocolate in it - even a tiny bit? Chocolate is deadly for dogs and if it doesn't kill them it certainly will give a dog sever diarrhea.

No chocolate, in fact she can't have it due to her heart. Ironically, she eats quite healthy. But, she gives the dog parts of her cereal, graham crackers, and let's him lick the ice cream bowl. She also gives him carrots and apples which aren't bad but he has a sensitive stomach.

Bingo - it's mostly the ice cream in my opinion... my mom gave Bella (the maltese) a few tablespoons of ice cream and that night we were at the vet ER. Milk isn't good for Bella and dairy like ice cream was REALLY not good. No more ice cream bowl licks! :)

And I still feel if there is a way to monitor or supervise or just get the dog away from someone with dementia feeding it unhealthy people food at the table, then for 15 min a couple of times a day if you could do that, you would avoid their heart breaking, breaking their bond, and the dog being unhealthy too. I hope that makes sense. I couldn't take Bella away from my mom. she lives for that dog and she has her heart in her paw. ;)

Plus elderly people often have loss. And loss. And more loss. It's depressing. If the dog is 11 then x 7 that is 77 in people years and that's the dog's "mom". Just my opinion. There must be a way to kind of intercede the bad feeding and keep them together.

Hi Laura!

That's very good news! I'm glad I was able to help, and I'd be very interested to see an update from you on how it went at the vet and what your secret was on how you stopped your mom from feeding Sammy all of the wrong foods that made him sick. I understand she really loves that dog, I really do! In fact, if you've ever heard of the term, "killing with kindness", this incident seems to be what you're describing, though your mom may not realize it.

As for whether or not someone actually fakes periods of dementia, I seriously doubt it if a person really has it. My surrogate dad had it though I didn't know what for a long time and I didn't know how to spot it until things became too obvious. What would happen with dad is that he would be pretty much normal during the day, but I'm not sure what hours were his normal ones. However, what would happen is that sometime in the mid to late afternoon he would start drifting away from being normal and he would just start showing signs of abnormality toward evening. As the night went on, it seems like he was a whole different person than he was during the day when he seemed pretty much normal. If anything sounds familiar, this may very well be what's called sundowning, because from my experience with dad, he was a whole different person at night then he was during the day. I don't think your mom would be faking dementia if she really has it, but if she seems normal during the day but she's a different person at night, this is a sure sign of possible sundowning. If anything at all sounds familiar, there's your answer.

Thanks all, I will let you know what happens with news from the vet which may take a few days to get the results from the Internist.

Yes, I know my Mom could not live without Sammy. He is her whole world. Especially when there is not a whole lot left at her age. The loss of health, spouse and friends sure takes its tole.

She was already falling apart this morning while he was gone having his test. So I would not be able to separate him from her. Hopefully, since she is sticking to his strict bland diet he will get better.

So hope and pray the ultrasound does not reveal cancer although his blood work does not indicate that.

Thanks again!

My mother fed her dog, a minpin/jack with bits of whatever she was eating all day then wailed because the dog wouldn't eat its (usually beef or chicken) supper. When my mothr went into a NH at the end of 2012 Sue came to live with me, then a whopping 28lb, now a trim 18lb. Going on 7 she's still not totally house clean ... she'll go out with my old rescue lab so I have to keep pee pads down as well, but my mother used pee pads all the time and often put them upside down so the pee ran into the carpet so it's not the dog's fault.

Maybe you could use the dog to "convince" your mom to come live with you. It's a very difficult thing taking care of a dementia patient but it's easier if they are in your house. And also if you're not having to maintain two houses then the money used for her rent etc could be used to hire outside help. If you put it to her that the dog needs to come live with you then maybe she'll find she's suddenly "ready" to move in with you as well.

This is the saddest problem because we lost a dog for this very reason; That she lives alone makes any monitoring impossible but frankly even in our situation where husband, dog and i live together, my husband feeds replacement sweet dog through the night when I'm asleep or even am away in another room. It is an act of sharing and love for him.

In our case, I am going to lock the refrig at night and have bought him a tiny model just for himself ($35 online). I will stock it with a few snacks, but no killer things (anything with fat). I have no idea how the lock is going to be received. we talk and agree...but he will not remember any agreements made an hour later.

I experienced this with my mother as well who had dementia and recently passed. her dog was very attached to her, and she would feed her alot of her food as well, and no matter what we said she would forget and do it again. she would never hurt her they were extremely close. It is a very difficult situation, but I can tell you when my mom fell and was put in the hospital her dog would go nuts trying to find her, when she passed, she would sit by her chair and refused to eat. Animals have very strong connections and feelings, and I noticed she was a very calming influence on my mom too. they helped each other out. I know this is extremely difficult, my mother and i would argue on this subject alot. My daughter who is a chef, told me there are alot of foods (human foods) that dogs can eat and that are very good for them, she makes her own dog food. her dogs won't eat store bought dog food. The ironic part is it's the same type food we eat, should eat that's healthy for us as well, chicken, vegatables and even fruits. she makes blueberry pancakes using yogurt instead of milk. chicken with veggies. Theyre are several cook books for dogs on amazon. my point, maybe just an idea, making similiar meals. I know it's out there, if you make a meal like chicken and veggies, the "leftovers" could be for her dog? but let her feed her dog. my daughter did that and it helped tremendously, and the big bonus. this was healthier for her dogs, they went to the bathroom less. they're bodies absorbed the nutrients more. just an idea.

Do not put this dog in a shelter. If you separate them both will suffer, but I can understand your concern with her forgetting when she feeds him (I have the same issue). Give it some time as she will forget to eat herself and then you can put both into a facility where they accept pets. Until then, try to keep the dog on his bland food, be present when she is eating, and take all potential foods out of the house that could harm the dog (i.e. chocolate, spices, alcohol). It is never easy to have these decisions. At 11 yrs. a dog of this age probably would not be adoptable and will be euthanized, so make your choice wisely...

I do dog rescue, as well as take care of my elderly mother..if anyone ever needs help in placing their parents dog feel free to let me know. I recently took in a 3 legged paralyzed doxie whos owner suffered from severe dementia & he had to b placed into a facility..the dog can b a bit of a holy lil terror paralyzed or not so the family was going to euthanize him, because the dog is 12 & paralyzed & in diapers so i gave him a forever home. Im sorry everyone is going thru a tough time...i know myself its not easy but we only have one mom & dad. If you really feel for the best interest of the animal is to remove him from your moms care then do so if u have exhausted all options. Its like ur stuck because you know how much they love their beloved pet but you also have to be fair to the animal. Its not easy :(