Loved one is in assisted living 5 weeks now. Has claimed on multiple occasions that wherever she sits that table gets delayed service.
Also claims she has ordered the same meals as others at a table only to receive a smaller or lesser quality meal or one that is presented like slop.
How do we handle this without being accusatory but also protecting our loved one. She no longer wants to go to the dining room and regular meals are a big reason she is in assisted living.
Your LO's "observation" may be skewed by what else is going on around.
The size of the portion on "my" plate may look far different than what is on the plate of the person sitting next to me.
As to delays I am sure others in the dining room think the same thing. people ask questions about the menu, they want this...they don't want that...they want this but without lettuce, or corn instead of peas and so on.
Accompany her to lunch or diner and see what is actually happening.
And if they have an "open" dining room maybe go a bit after the rush rather than when they first start serving so that the staff is not as bombarded with people.
I've been around such places as a caregiver to my loved ones. One resident claimed that he got the same meal every day, no variety, he hated it. It was not true. I was there almost every day for one meal or another and saw that he had the same variety and tasty meals as everyone else. Another resident insisted that she couldn't eat the food. She'd sit and toy with it throughout the meal. Aides would try to feed her, and she'd refuse. As soon as aides were busy cleaning up and moving other residents to activities or to watch TV, she'd shovel it in at breakneck speed. Then when an aide came back, she'd insist she hadn't eaten it. The aides were wise to her behavior and gave her plenty of time to eat "privately." A friend of mine who lived in a very nice memory care facility kept expressing outrage about people from other buildings around there coming in and eating the food that should have gone to the residents. That was impossible; it was a locked building. These are only a few of the food behaviors of which I have personal knowledge.
Food seems to be used as a ploy to gain sympathy or to manipulate others. Keep this in mind and don't be too eager to believe what mom says. Believe it or not, the accusations and paranoia can get even weirder. I hope you will be reassured that indeed your mom is being treated well.
While it is possible she is not being treated fairly, she is not a reliable source for reporting that information to you. Her complaint could be her way of justifying not eating, if that has been a problem for her.
It's likely that she's exaggerating and may truly feel that she is not getting the attention she deserves, or the food on other's plates looks better.
If you want to bring this up to the staff, there should be an ombudsman onsite, or a social worker, or nurse in charge you can talk to. I would let them know that your loved is not having a good experience in the dining room and is resistant to going. You can tactfully say that she doesn't feel she's getting the attention or quality of food she deserves or expects. That is not accusatory, but gives the staff a problem to resolve.
If the quality of the food served is not up to her expectations, you can take some of her favorite snacks or meals when you visit. I've read some articles recently which state that elders who are moving into assisted living are looking for a 4 star dining experience. It might be worth moving her to a facility which serves better food if that is an important consideration for her.
One Day Have Lunch With her.
Also
Figure out what time. Arrive unexpectedly and just observe another day. another week..
keep her and staff on their toes.. do not call in advance. If staff questions, just say your in the area and dropping of supplies and want to say hello to her..
1) M thinks that the food should be top restaurant quality, not day-to-day ordinary.
2) M’s (early?) dementia takes the form of her feeling short-changed and oppressed.
3) M wants a reason to say that AL isn’t acceptable and you must take her ‘home’.
4) It’s something interesting to talk about?
I find it hard to believe that what she's saying is true. So the best way is to have lunch with her on occasion at her facility to see for yourself.
You put your question under the Mental Health category. Is mom mentally ill?
My mother made a federal case out of anything she perceived to be the slightest injustice towards her in AL. In her mind, everyone was giving her the side eye. Judging her. Especially the women. The men "loved her" but oh those miserable women. And oh that rotten food with portions "that wouldn't fill a cavity." It was literally one thing after another, half bull and half sh*+. The only way to know for sure is to go there and eat a meal or 2 with her. And then fact check everything she says moving forward.
Never contact the admin at the AL with moms accusations until YOU personally fact check what she says first.
Good luck with a tough situation.
Anyone who has ever worked at a facility knows staff behavior changes for the positive toward a pt when a Family Member is present. This is actually a very salient reason people should visit both frequently and irregularly enough so that if there are any shenanigans of neglect etc going on, they will be less likely to occur with your loved one.
We had several residents who did the same thing your LO is doing. Complaining about the food quality in general. Or they're being given something different. Or others are getting more. We had one lady who used to insist that her meal (on days it wasn't buffet-style) was deliberately being left to cool down before it was served to her and everyone else's was hot. All of it was false, but still I got a lot of calls and in-person talks from family members.
Your LO may very well be enjoying the meals every day then reserves the complaining for you alone. This happens all the time. I remember one lady who was the life of the party. Always happy, hanging out with friends, and going to every entertainment and social activity we had. The second a family member visited or called she's switch the bubbly, pleasant old lady off and the complaining, miserable, guilt-tripping old biddy would take over.
One day her daughter and granddaugher stopped by unexpectedly to surprise her during lunch. She started up about how terrible the food was and she's starving. So I asked her in front of them why she went up three times to the buffet if the food was so bad. She was embarrassed to be called out on her BS in front of family.
If your LO is in a reputable place there is staff watching out in the dining room. They're not going to risk trouble with their supervisor and possibly even being fired so they can tamper with her food. I wouldn't be too concerned with it. If your LO starts losing a lot of weight quickly, maybe check up on that. If it would ease your mind, talk to the administrator and ask for a tour of the kitchen and see for yourself.
I knew this forum would be helpful and appreciate you all!
PS I didn't mean to post this originally under Mental Health
The other point I would like to add is that having friends to dine with can also make a difference. My chatty, extroverted mom, who had lots of friends IRL, had a hard time making new ones at AL. Some of it was my mom, who at 83 didn't want to be in a place with "all these old people", and some if it was probably the other residents. There can definitely be cliques, and it can be hard to break in.
Best of luck to you!
🙏❤️🍀
There are also huge cliques in her dining room. ‘You can’t sit with us’ ‘You know you aren’t allowed to sit at this table’. A group of women who meet to talk over coffee in the afternoons who are positively exclusive. Idiotic.
Do as you plan to and go for lunch, but bear in mind two things could be true - they could be taking less care in her service because of her complaints (not ok) AND she could be exaggerating or even making it up. With little going on in their lives they can make mountains out of nothing, and read in to the slightest thing.
What can anyone say? Some people are more popular than others, and some people definitely invest more in things to enhance their popularity. Me? I just need a friend or two, and for the popular crowd to ignore me if they don’t have anything good to say. Now if that crowd has gotten to harassing—and we’ve all seen Medicare age ladies fully capable of this—that’s when staff needs to come in and break it up. Just as admins sometimes have to do here. But other than that, find your one or two friends. If the popular ones pick on you, go to staff with specific patterns, ie x following you around and delivering smirking comments a, b and c and having some of their biddies join in, then go to staff that provides a similar admin type circuit breaker.
if that’s not an option an urgent meeting with head of company and advise if your parent continues to be neglected and abused you will seek legal
a action against them
It could be one or two staff abusing their positions
it sounds like a bad home tho
id move her out and report them
Try to just observe and see what you find out as far as how the staff and other patients behave around your loved one.
Also I just want to say that anyone who is or was a caregiver or CNA I think possesses a great deal of empathy and caring in their personality. Maybe we can extend that kind of sisterly and brotherly empathy towards each other when our views don't necessarily align. After all there are many kinds of caregivers and we all have found patients that love us. It's getting really hard to be on a forum when the answers are not directed towards the person asking the question.