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Hi, new here so it's great to find this resource. Myself and my husband and toddler moved in with my FIL last year to care for him after MIL passed away. He does not need 24/7 care but has early stages dementia, anxiety and depression. Family only visit when it suits them. The problem is when they do visit they come in a group of 5 or 6 at the same time (kids included) and stay late so I cannot get my daughter to bed at her routine time which causes chaos in the house and leads to a very grumpy toddler. I have reached out and asked them if they could perhaps call a little earlier so I could do the bedtime at the normal time. They Have refused and said they will call when they like and won't be told when they can and can't call. It makes me feel like I am so unwelcome in my own home. They are due to visit again soon and I am dreading it. Am I being unreasonable in what I am asking them??

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I think if the family is already adversarial upon occasional visits, you need to consider that this attitude will only increase the longer you live there, and the worse your FIL's health becomes.

The problem is, unless (and unfortunately, EVEN IF) you have purchased this home from your FIL, you clearly have relatives who view this as his home, and not yours; regardless of whatever care you're giving FIL. These self-same relatives might even feel that you "owe" FIL this care for "letting" and your family live in FIL's home - even if you're paying towards the household.

You and your husband might want to seriously re-think this living arrangement. You should also have some ideas for the future - like in the instance that your FIL needs placement and his house has to be sold in order to finance that. Will you and your family be left homeless should that happen?

There are too many sad stories of adult children who move in with ailing mom and/or dad, and figure that it will be a "win-win" - figuring they can save some money on living expenses, while giving needed care to mom/dad who don't want to leave their home and their "independence". Then the care becomes too much, parent(s) has to be placed, parents' assets have to be used, and adult caregiving children find themselves in a real financial bind. And often, non-caregiving relatives feel like the caregiving children should have been "saving up" for this very scenario - never giving any thought to the difficulty in maintaining a full-time job while being a 24/7 caregiver.

Make sure you have an ironclad, doable "escape plan" in place if you are going to continue on this path.

Good luck!
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Purple, the next time they "act out", please have your husband show them the door with the words "you will not disrespect my wife in her own home. If you want to be able to visit our dad, you need to cut out the crap".

Repeat as necessary.
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lealonnie1 Feb 2022
Exactly! DH needs to step up and remind his family members this is YOUR HOME now! YOUR HOME YOUR RULES!
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I am with "notgoodenough". Only, even if you bought the house, family will consider it still his and he would to. There's a recent thread about this same thing.

I would say when family visits, leave. They can care for Dad and you can get out of the house. Don't feel you need to entertain. Also, it really isn't your home.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2022
Exactly. When the family visits you, your husband, and your child go stay at a hotel. Or plan your vacations around when they're coming to visit.
If they want to cop this kind of attitude, let them take care of the elder. They'll change their tune if they do.
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In reading responses below, I too am wondering what will happen when your FIL requires placement in a facility because his in-home care has become overwhelming, and your in-laws are under the assumption that your husband "got the house" in exchange for eternal caregiving *in* the house?

I realize this is not a question you posted but there are many more complexities to your arrangement (and you are finding them out one at a time). You and your husband need to understand that "aging in place" is a romanticized notion by people who have never tried to care for elders with dementia while at the same time working and raising a young family. You will wind up orbiting around the elder 24/7 because, unlike a child who is becoming more independent and can learn things, an elder with dementia is becoming more dependent and unlearning things (like that he shouldn't be driving but doesn't agree with your assessment on this, becomes incontinent for #1 AND #2 and won't keep his Depends on, says socially outrageous things daily, etc).

If you were older, retired empty nesters your arrangement would still have a profound impact on your lives. Just read some of the thousands of posts on this forum under the topic Burnout. For the near term you and your husband need to create very clear boundaries that you defend. You may not be able to avoid "offending" your in-laws because they have pre-existing expectations about their visits. Work through issues as diplomatically as possible without becoming doormats. Your child will eventually grow out of toddlerhood (but then maybe your family will grow? And then what?) Perhaps have your in-laws take your FIL for a week or 2 to give you a break and then they also learn the challenges of 24/7 caregiving. There is much good wisdom to be found on this forum so continue to read the forum topics and ask questions. I wish you much wisdom in this ongoing arrangement.
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bundleofjoy Feb 2022
i think every sentence you wrote, geaton, is excellent.
and good warnings!!
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I don't think you're being unreasonable, not at all. But I also think if the family only visits occasionally, and if you want to keep peace with them, then you'll agree to deal with a grumpy toddler and a bit of chaos. The other alternative is to have your FIL ask them to leave by 8 pm or whatever time he feels is appropriate; his house, his rules, which they may feel more prone to abiding by.

It's really a shame when you are doing something kind & generous for your FIL and his own family won't compromise a bit for YOU. It must make you feel like someone who has NO VOICE at all in this home you're living in, which stinks.

I think maybe you should ask your FIL to set down some rules for the family members. I hope it works.

Best of luck.
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Thanks all so much for the replies.
My husband is totally on board with me and has 100% support. My husband actually owns the house for the past 10 years, we sold our property last year and moved in after agreement with the family so we could be there full time to look after the Dad. Yes I totally agree it is still the family house as long as his Dad is here, but surely it is our HOME. They are free to come and go as they please and always have been - with this one question about leaving the house by a certain time causing a huge drama.
We will try and leave the house when we know they are calling, and leave them some of the menial tasks to do with their Dad perhaps.
I also feel like life is too short to be dodging people in my own home and really hope perhaps if we can speak to them one at a time and ask them to explain WHY they are so upset by me and or the situation.
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bundleofjoy Feb 2022
hugs!! :)

"They Have refused and said they will call when they like and won't be told when they can and can't call."

they sound very rude, unkind.

"but surely it is our HOME"

of course. totally agree.
in addition, your husband owns the house. it is 100% your house, your home. not theirs.

actually, it's not "the family house", it's your house.

----
it's really unlucky when the people who surround us are so rude.

you dread their visits.
i understand.
one only dreads spending time with people who are awful. so they must be awful.

i don't think you should go to a hotel when they come.
1st of all, it costs money. not everyone can throw away money on a hotel, and in particular when it's not even planned because you want it, but because you have to escape your home. then you're escaping your own house + financially being penalized (you pay for the hotel) --- THEY can pay for your hotel stay. (of course they won't).

and your (forced) "holiday"/hotel stay shouldn't be dictated by them, when they want you to go on "holiday".

i mean, if you want to go to a hotel, of course do so.

i'm not saying going to a hotel is throwing away money. i just mean that, ideally it should be fun, not something that's forced by someone else.

----
it comes down to, how to deal with rude people.

i have rude people in my family too (3 awful, rude, older brothers).

i do believe in karma (or whatever you want to call it). how you treat others will eventually bite you back.
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i hope the visiting family in your house starts behaving better, and leaving earlier.

the only way, sometimes, to deal with rude people, is to have as little to do with them as possible. avoid them.
they'll ruin your day.
sometimes, one's mind will continue thinking about their rudeness for hours/days. so you see, they steal a lot of time.

when i can, i cut rude people out of my life.
i have pretty much cut contact with my brothers. but it's much easier for me (my brothers aren't visiting my home).

----
hugs!! i hope things get better!!
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My question is why isn’t the OPs husband standing up to his siblings regarding what his wife does for their father?? I agree with the others who have said take a little mini vacation when they are coming and let them deal with their dad for a few days.
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You might consider family mediation. While you are living in the home, you ARE doing the care, what there is of it as well, and it IS also YOUR home. Question here is how often does this happen? Do you know why they are so adversarial with you? And given this are you protecting yourself. Are you the POA for your FIL? Does he need one? Does he want you in his home? Does he want all the relatives piling in at once? Is there a better way to divide up the home space,or are you in a condition that will not be tenable for you and your young daughter?
If you would like mediation contact numbers I can give you web sites; just ask for them.
This is basically still your FIL home; I think that you should see an elder law attorney with him to get together on whether you are being paid for any care now or in the future. Whether he requires your acting as his POA and limiting visits or not. Much of the power here still rests with your FIL and an adversarial relationship with the rest of the family is going to end in a total nightmare for you. This is a matter of "can't we all just get along" and I think you all need to find a way to come to agreement and to get along WITH your FIL part of those decisions. There are worse things than a periodically grumpy up-too-late toddler. MUCH worse, and you could be heading there.
Basically, unless he has serious dementia you are down to WHAT DOES DAD WANT. And before he does, see an elder law attorney so that when he does you can act on your POA to limit visits as you feel is needed. This all needs to be in writing, and thought out. You, as daughter in law living in your FIL's home will have little say in this matter. It is FIL first, his son second. Hard to handle when you are doing the cooking and cleaning, I know, but you took this on, hopefully not totally blindsided by who this family is.
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Can I be blunt & ask if you have freely & fully chosen to move house, be FIL's caregiver & fit yourself around the in-laws preferences?

Just making sure..

Coz if there any Wife must care for my parents & must do as my siblings want vibes coming from your Husband - you may have a Husband problem, not in-laws.
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I'm sorry that I assumed your FIL still owned the house, Purple, and I'm very glad you came back and clarified the situation.

In answer to your question, I don't think it's unreasonable to want to keep your toddler in a set routine, regardless of who is visiting in the home. Unfortunately, I think you might be fighting a losing battle, unless BOTH husband and FIL join you in a united front against these family members, and make it very clear that this is your HOME and you are not mere visitors, as they are.

There is also another point I want to bring up. I'm sure you know what I am about to say, but I think it bears repeating. You post that these relatives have said that, in order to keep FIL from a facility, they would be willing to be his 24/7 caregiver. Please, if you haven't already done so, use other posts here in the forum as a cautionary tale and have a discussion with your husband to discuss and agree on a backup plan - because the chances of these relatives stepping up to be 24/7 caregivers - especially of a person with whom they do not live - are between slim and none. And then, I am afraid his care will fall primarily onto YOUR shoulders, especially if you decide to go with the stay-at-home mom route.

Good luck and (((hugs)))
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