My 92 year old mom with dementia was recently hospitalized for two weeks, then lived with us for a month before being placed into a memory care assisted living. She can no longer live alone safely. She is adjusting slowly to her new place, but she continues to ask to go to her home which she lived in for 65 years. She hasn't been there now for about six weeks. We will be selling the house within the next few months so it already looks different than it did when she lived there. It breaks my heart that she will never return there or live there again. I know it is best NOT to take her there again, but wondering what others have done in their situation.
Because dementia robs folks of their short term memory first, all that remains is their long term when they were much younger. And so it makes great sense that one would want to go back to their childhood home.
So I would leave well enough alone and when she brings up wanting to go home, you can tell her any kind of little fiblet, like the house is getting some work done and that you'll let her know when it's finished, or just try and redirect as in changing the subject.
"I know it is best NOT to take her there again, but wondering what others have done in their situation."
In my humble opinion you just answered your own question.
When she is more adjusted to her situation help her make a scrapbook of memories around this home.
I think it is clear from what she is saying that she is not saying "Can we walk through one more time so I can say goodbye", (for to ME, our homes are almost sentient beings). What she is saying is she wants to go home. And that can't happen.
It's heartbreaking, isn't it. And it is worth grieving, so allow her that and be honest with her.
The nurse is at the assisted living told me a story of one family that takes their loved one by the house. Whenever he asks. Then they bring him back to the assisted living and he starts lashing out at everybody. I certainly wouldn't want to do that to the people that are caring for my mother.
Asking to "go home" is a very common dementia behavior and they are really thinking "home" is their childhood home.
My (now deceased) Aunt lived in her own home and had adv dementia. Every afternoon like clockwork she'd start getting agitated and wanting to "go home". Even though she was sitting in the house that she'd been in since 1975.
My MIL has short -term memory impairment and was transitioned into AL. We handled downsizing her home ourselves. She asked to go see it (it was empty and in foreclosure). Since it was in foreclosure and she no longer had ownership of it we told her no (and there was no real point to just "drive past" it). It would only serve to make her sad all over again. She kept asking for a while and we just kept making a reason to not do it (therapeutic fibs, redirect the conversation or distract her). Also, she was barely mobile and overweight and just the effort to get her into the van was a deterrent. There was just no upside of taking her... it wasn't going to help her "process" anything emotionally since her memory problem would prevent her from doing this. It would just be Groundhog's Day.
I know that nostalgic feeling. It always reminds me of the play and movie “Trip to Blessing” by Horton Foote and the great gospel singer Cynthia Clawson who sang “Softly and Tenderly” in the movie version.
It’s a bitter sweet proposition that only you can decide for you and your mom. We have in life a few times where we know in advance this will be the last time. Regardless of life being full of losses we also can find great joy in a bowl of vanilla ice cream and as much as I promise it will be the last time, here we are again.
Hugs to you DaughterJ57, you have a tender heart.
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