When my grandfather passed he left my mother an industrial bldg with 4 rental units that both parents ran a machine shop in. When 2 units became vacant my brother took over hoarding inside them. They tried to tell him to leave but he became aggressively agitated and believes using the buildings is his birth right. They changed the locks but then my father gave him a key. This hoarding is inherited from my father who thinks his son can do no wrong and enables him; however the brother is a dreamer and thinks using it to create his dreams in, will make him rich any day now. He is 62 and has been saying this his entire life. He lives off money they pay him for odd jobs at the units. My father; 88; is mostly house ridden on a walker except for short trips out to doctors; leaving my mother, 83; to handle all the finances and problems with the building that became vacant about 4 years ago when this started. They refuse to close the business so a second brother can have a job. The second brother refuses to take over the business and is getting paid from their personal money while they pay taxes and maintain it all while receiving no income from the business or rent. I have nothing to do with the rental or the business due to the bothers harassing me out of it all years ago.
My mother has macular degeneration and has lost 40lbs in 1.5 year which she refuses to continue with tests to find out why. I know she cannot handle the business they still own in 1 of the 4 rentals while handling all finances and caring for my father who wouldn't eat without her shopping and cooking for him. Every time I call my father tells me my mother needs help and can't do it anymore. He claims she is also forgetful. I know she cannot balance her accounts and chooses to have the businesses secretary help her; which I find insulting because she is trusting an outsider more than her own daughter. I've told my parents I can help but they will not give me or my husband POA in any way because my bothers would be upset and I refuse to pay bills for the vacant rentals and business that they are using. They know this is all wrong and up until last year said they were working on getting it resolved; but now as they have progressed in age and have given up trying. They refuse to talk about it anymore and only want to talk small talk as if this huge problem does not exist. My brothers are both abusing and taking advantage of my parents financially due to their age. I might add that in all these years I have been the one who has been the constant married for 38 years with 3 adult productive children who has been entertaining them with dinners while the two bothers did their own thing never even inviting them to their homes! It's true the first brother has nothing to offer since he lives in a townhome gifted to him that he also hoards in. Now they need care and I can hardly stand to go to their home from the upset of what is going on that is out of my control. Last week my mother needed assistance searching her email for an email I had sent her I asked her if she read. Turns out my brother (who uses my mothers computer weekly when he stops their to eat) had permanently deleted every email I ever sent her. She had emails in her trash bin from 2014 but not one from me! She has lost the ability to even realize what he is doing and is convinced he would not be dishonest. All he has to do is stop by once and week to eat and she is in her glory. All the while my father expects me to help her while the two son's take everything. I don't know if there is anything legally I can do to put a stop to my bothers taking advantage their elderly parents. They've done it for years but the difference now is my parents do not have the ability to stop them and are in complete denial at this point. Any suggestions on how to deal with this ongiong catastrophe is greatly appreciated.
I finally explained to the POS that eventually things would come to a head, and that when they did there would be bank statements , etc., that would show what he had done, and prosecution would follow. It took a couple of more years until he realized that her health was far more than he could handle and he left the state with her vehicle that he coerced her into signing over. It wasn't until this happened that we could get elder affairs in, was able to get a POA in place and a healthcare proxy. But that is merely the start, having these papers are only helpful when an elder is deemed incompetent by a Dr. or court. Which both are rightfully reluctant to do.
In the end my mom was declared incompetent but the brutal part is anything she did prior is considered of her own free will, meaning the POS will not be held accountable for what he did! And to add insult to injury he has threatened to sue us constantly. It is a terrible situation that I would not wish on anyone.
As to your last sentence, you DON'T have to accept that you have to deal with a brother who is unrealistic. You CAN just sever ties with him and walk away and leave him to flounder on his own. And frankly, that's exactly what I would do.
We women tend to have too many "caring genes." Sometimes it's hard to say, "I didn't cause the problem; I didn't exacerbate it; there was NOTHING I could do to change it, nor will the individual change. Therefore, I can move on with my own life."
Rainmom, Do my parents have a POA? I wish I knew for sure. They have the same lawyer they have had throughout the time they owned the business; which they obtained again, from my mother's father. I can't say I trust the man and here is why; when grandfather died, he left a trust. That trust was to be in 50% mom, with 1/3 to each me and my brothers. There is a second building that is one unit. That building was to be left to Mom only. Amazingly the four building rental was changed to Mom as sole owner and the one rental building was changed to the trust. My parents wanted this because they expanded the business into two rentals and they wanted total control of it without it being in the trust. As a loyal child and busy raising my own children; I did not question until the situation became so complex. I confronted Mom and told her I knew what was done and she promised to change it back. Of course it is way to late for that. I do not have documents to prove it. I only know what my grandfather told me up to the day he passed at age 95. Mom also inherited a summer home that I have used my entire life. Brothers never used it and never wanted to. The hoarding brother has used the front rental building for 30 years free at the expense of the business. Although I resented it and wished my parents would not allow it; I justified it by the fact that I used the vacation home and he did not. I even justified that the second brother who harrassed me from the business could have that and I should accept if because I used the vacation house and he did not. Now my husband maintain the vacation home and all it's problems but it is still Mom's home. With this building problem, I expect such great financial loss (if mom lives to age 95) that the summer home will be lost as well.
Is there an executor? Well, as far as I know; and I do not know much, her lawyer would be the executor. That really scares me too! I can guarantee my brothers are not executors because my mother, as much as she lives in denial, knows they are not capable of finances. There was a trust set up but recently, and this really concerns me; with my father, terminated it. This I believe brothers put her up to. She tried to terminate the trust set up by my grandfather just prior. I received a paper to sign. I refused! They were all angry over it. Just last week she told me she wished she could terminate that trust. I told her I would never because she only wants the money to pay for the losses caused by the brothers. However, if mom needs the money to life, it would be terminated. So yes, I would be partial beneficiary with my brothers. Which brings me to a future problem. With no trust, brothers will inherit money (whatever may be left). Since the first brother has never been able to support himself or handle finances; btw, files no taxes; another future problem; he will blow through any inheritance and be left on the street. Guess who's problem that will be!
GarenArtist, You hit it spot on! Even my husband enjoyed how you laid it all out. I agree with everything you said, but as you now see from what I've added, this nightmare will be haunting me for a very long time. 1-2-3-4; all out of my control, been living with it all my life; 5- I'm concerned about the vacation home and the trust my grandfather so desired we have going to my mothers long term care. Not that it shouldn't but all to keep brothers where they are now? I guess that is what prompted my starting this question.
6- it will not change and 7- my brothers are more important to my father and my mother is now listening to my father who is the biggest abuser of all. He took everything my grandfather built, took credit for it and allowed it all to go down the tubes so his son's could think they are important. As sick as that all is, it's true and yes, I'd be the family Cinderella. I already see the attacks of blame coming from my father. I am focusing on it not affecting my health but there are sleepless nights. GardenArtist, you right; the only option and/or responsibility is to assist in finding in home care. That was why I first logged onto this site but I also feel that if I am going to do anything to help them, they need to come clean about where it all stands because when they are gone, I am left to deal with a brother who is unable to function in the real world.
"I've told my parents I can help but they will not give me or my husband POA in any way because my bothers would be upset and I refuse to pay bills for the vacant rentals and business that they are using."
So it's not clear if the brothers are proxy or there's no POA in place at all.
But you raise very valid points; these parents need Wills, or their assets, such as they may be, will be subject to intestate laws. That might actually be beneficial though as the brothers wouldn't be able to exploit the system.
Negatives first.
1. Your father apparently is trying to guilt you into helping your mother, but tying your hands b/c of the partiality shown to the brothers. Your mother is not getting the health care she needs.
2. Your father has an unbalanced, disproportionate opinion of what you should do while allowing your brothers free rein to be irresponsible, and in fact having indulged them in that behavior apparently for years.
3. Your parents will not allow you legal authority to handle their affairs.
4. One brother interferes with your relationship with your mother by deleting your e-mails.
5. Your parents are withholding details of the "business" from you, thus shutting you out from being able to assess whether there's any value left in either the business (unlikely) or the buildings.
6. Given the way by which your brothers have been indulged and allowed to be irresponsible, I see no reason for that to change, or for your parents (who are overwhelmed) to be able to handle that. So the brothers are likely going to continue to be irresponsible.
7. Your parents are apparently draining their own assets through enabling and indulging the brothers, while shutting you out from making any positive recommendations, choices or taking any action to stem the flow of money.
Are there any positives to this situation? The only ones I see are that you're the only one assessing the situation and seeing that there are going to be very negative financial repercussions if/when your parents need financial assistance, or medical assistance in the home b/c of their failing health situations.
The basic, bottom line question is what can you do?
Can you change your parents' indulgent and enabling behavior? No.
Can you change or affect your brother's irresponsible behavior? No.
Does your father see you as the automatic choice for in-home assistance? Apparently yet.
Is he willing to allow you to participate in the business/financial decisions as a part of the total package of assisting him and your mother? No.
You would have responsibility, possibly meddling in your care by the brothers, and become a family Cinderella. You'd be blamed for any medical and/or care decisions by your brothers, and possibly your father.
If you accept the responsibility to care for your parents, will it drag you in like a whirlpool, affecting your health, and making you the workhorse of the family? Yes.
Is this a bad situation? Absolutely.
Hard as it is, I think this is a situation that cannot be turned around because of your parents' allowance of the irresponsible behavior of your brothers. Could you stand in front of a landslide or tsunami and stop it? No.
Honestly, I don't see any choice except to (a) arrange for outside care for your parents so at least their health is monitored and (b) accept that the building situation is beyond your control, as is their financial situation which is likely only going to deteriorate.
Women are fixers and try to correct injustices and I do understand that you can't just walk away and leave your parents. So choose your priorities.
Instead of putting any money into what is probably a dilapidating building, put it instead into home care for your parents.
I have been very blunt b/c I think you're experiencing so much frustration, perhaps guilt, and consternation that shows in your posts that I'm hoping my bluntness will allow you to see that this is not a fixable situation.
If yes, then seek out a really good Commercial Realtor who isn't afraid of standing toe to toe with your brother. The Commercial Realtor can sell the building and/or the business. Sell one or both while your parents are still able to understand a Listing Agreement and sign same.
The building can be sold, and your parents could possibly remain as a tenant under a signed lease, but that would depend on the new owner. If your parents paid themselves rent and had a lease, then the new owner would need to honor said lease.
Obtaining injunctions on the brothers is what I would need to do but it's true that my parents will side with them out of there loyalty to them. That is concerning. What chances of it being successful if my parents won't acknowledge it needs to be done?
It is true the building is deteriorating. As far as selling the business or the buildings; they tried to go that direction but the business is not worth much and brother #2 would not assist. My husband and I could do it since we both have experience in manufacturing; but again, parents won't take our help for fear brothers will be angry. They seem to worry about fairness in that sense but not in the sense of what is being lost by all this. There was one business who wanted to buy the building at one point but older brother told them it was his. I think he scared them out of the idea for fear of dealing with him. This was told to me by a mutual contact. That ended that.
Are the other 2 units rented, and if so, are they drawing enough income to maintain expenses on the buildings?
I suspect your parents are just too overwhelmed with their own declining health to deal with the enabled brothers and the problems created any longer. And that's the problem - this is an endemic situation.
There might be a possibility of getting injunctions against the brothers to keep them from harassing your parents, but it seems as though your parents side with them.
Maybe others will have some suggestions; this seems like a difficult situation and extremely frustrating for you.
Sadly an industrial building sitting semi-vacant is just going to cave in on itself. If your parents aren't updating, it is only going to get worse. Try to convince your family to either sell the business, thus ask for rent on the building from the new business owner, or sell the business plus the building to someone interested in that type of work. When it comes to commercial real estate/businesses, it can take years to get an interested party. Or maybe a competitor might be interested in buying it all.
Stop sending Mom emails, she's at the age where today's technology is slipping away from her. Call her on the phone. Your brother can't erase voice to voice conversations.
So which would cost more? AND are you ready for all of them to cut ties with you completely in their anger? Think it through.