Leaving Mom alone while shopping. Any suggestions?

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Leaving Mom alone while shopping. Any suggestions?

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I agree, get that lady's Supervisor. It's fine that she did a health and welfare check but she didn't complete her job and that was to also inquire if you needed help or give you resources and referrals for help! Shame on her, care giving can be a isolating life and for her to add threat to what you are so graciously doing is more than an insult and it should not be tolerated. If the Alz. agency reported you, shame on them for not talking with you one on one about your alternatives.
Use this as an opportunity to educate them about jumping to conclusions and over stepping boundaries.

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kdcm1011, you can get one of those locking box mechanisms for your mom's thermostat, unless you think it'd upset her more than it's worth. Or install a digital thermostat that she can't figure out (though she may just turn it off at the switch). Another option would be to turn it up to, say, 78 or 80 degrees when you leave, perhaps that would appease her?

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My problem with my husband staying home alone was not one of wandering but acting on his hallucinations (he has LBD). The last straw was when I came home from the market and found him taking out the 4'x8' glass panel in our sliding glass door because he had seen a bird fly through the glass and he needed to take the glass out so that the bird could fly out. I have removed the knobs on the cooktop and all knives and matches are locked up. Still, I know that he cannot be left alone ever again. For someone whose person is a wanderer, the Alzheimer's Store has shoes with a GPS device in them so that you can easily track where they might be. That could be very handy for someone with that problem.

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I'd have to say getting help really depends on where you live. My Dad tried to get some in for a while and found them totally undependable. They'd just not show up and either because they had something they'd rather do come up or they'd quit but the service didn't inform him. He gave it up. He did leave my Mom to go shopping but less and less over time. She never was a wanderer. With poor feet that left walking uncomfortable she didn't stray out of the house ever on her own. Sadly she is now in a memory care facility but even there I doubt she'd ever wander out an open door and at her speed someone would find her before she got a block. Still I know some do wander a lot so I guess you have to know the person and where they are in the progression of the disease. My friend was able to take her Mom along by her coffee and set her down in the store's coffee shop. She stayed there quite content, and my friend could check on her every time she came down one of the aisles.

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My husband has LBD and I have to take him everywhere I go. He cannot stay home alone because there were some bad episodes. He has to either sit in the car or come with me and sit at the Dr's office, hair salon, etc. I have just hired my daughter-in-law ($20 an hour) to come and sit with him. She will come for an hour or two or all day, depending on what I need. So far (one visit), that looks like it will work out well. She needs the money and I need the help. I am sorry for your problem - it is a difficult one to solve. I went 6 months with taking him everywhere I went. But it got to the point where he didn't want to do that anymore. So we will see how this new plan works.

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Lizann has a point; go after the Alzheimer's lady and her supervisor. Trying to instill fear into a person (you) who has essentially given up having a life to care for another person is just plain sadism and should not be tolerated. The Alzheimer's lady needs to be corrected because she will be upsetting a lot of good people unnecessarily.
Geez, if leaving your charge alone for any length of time and they fall and injure themselves gets you put in jail, then lots of us caregivers would be in prison. Just yesterday, I had to lay down because of severe muscle spasms in my back, and while I was resting, my Mother fell in the kitchen. I heard a big bang and went looking for the source. I found my mother splayed out on the kitchen floor. She had tried to sit on the bench and missed, hitting her head too and getting a huge gooseegg in the process. So, someone is going to sue me for that? that would make caregiving an extremely hazardous occupation and many caregivers would begin to say "Uh, uh, no way am I going into that bear trap!" With this hyperbole, you can see the ridiculous of the threat for having left her along.

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I would set up a meeting in your home with this lady's supervisor. I think the woman from the Alzheimer association overstepped and needs to be dealt with by you the primary caregiver and when the chips are down the only person who gives a damn for your mother. I would be all over the woman and their supervisor. After the meeting follow it up with a cooling written letter detailing matters discussed and your concerns with her actions.

The Alzheimer's association can help by providing an aide to sit with your mother 4 hours a week while you shop for free. Millions of people donate to this group --I think they need to help rather than be critical with no "helping hands".

If your mother is able to manage for a short run to the grocery store I don't think anyone needs to be involved. The medical alert buttons are good but often the elderly will not use it as they prefer to wait for the primary caregiver.

There will come a point when your mother's condition will change and you will not have the ability to leave her for short periods, it is usually part of the decline.
As far as the law, I doubt if a fall when you are out would result in your going to prison for 7 yrs. Think of all the elderly who live alone, their kids ignore them for days/weeks on end and eventually end up in a nursing home. Frankly, the courts have bigger fish to fry if you ask me.

Try to get a caregiver, but I do know that normally you need to hire a home health aide for 4 hours at $20.00/hr or more. I found a lady who would come to the house each Sat morning so I could do errands. I paid her for the time I was out and I was generous as she was good with my father and I found it very difficult to get someone to come each week. Caregivers who have large families and can always find someone to drop in don't know the trials one goes through doing this caregiving alone except for paid home health aides. It is an expensive proposition but I would use any savings your mother has for these costs if needed. It is providing for her safety and frankly your peace of mind.
I remember the knot in my stomach as I waited in checkout lines knowing I had 15 minutes to get home and relieve the home health aide. Believe me I know what you are up against. Hang in there and go after the Alzheimer lady and her supervisor---they definitely overstepped by a mile. The two of them together would not be able to give the care you do each day.

Take care.
Elizabeth

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I have to leave my Mom when I go to the grocery store. A couple times I have had to call a neighbor to get her up out of the floor when I returned. She prowls around the house as soon as I leave and sometimes slides out of her chair. In Mississippi I can call 911 for a none emergency and they will send an ambulance out for the men to pick her up. They have never acted as tho I was wrong in leaving her. Do you have a neighbor who would come sit with her while you are gone? I sometimes pay one $25 so I don't have to rush back. I take the money out of Moms SS. Call a local church and see if there is someone reliable who could use a little extra cash. I don't know about the legal side of this problem. It might be worthwhile to consult an attorney.

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im not sure what state you live in but APS can come over the littlest things, believe me, Ive been there. I provide care for my mother in law. She does not have dementia (been tested) but she acts like she does. She has diabetes and has never controlled her sugar well until I came into the pic. Ive got it under control but it was a battle and sometimes her sugar would bottom out and I had to call the squad. She gets migraines and doesn't feel like eating lunch when she gets them. One occasion the squad came, wanted to know if she was eating, I explained the migraine situation and they took it upon themselves to call meals on wheels. They called and I said no she didnt need meals on wheels. Having food available wasn't an issue. There were just times she didnt eat lunch. She ate breakfast, dinner and her snacks everyday. I woukld make her lunch but some days she wouldnt eat it. Needless to say, because I told meals on wheels she didnt need it, APS showed up at my door. So sweety, call your local council on aging. Hope all gets better for you.

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I don't know the laws where you live but, something doesn't sound right. At least very one sided. Was there anything in all those handouts about caregiver support? You are a humanbeing too. With basic human rights and needs. Like you said, there are personal things you still have to take care of. You still have a life, and you can't neglect that either. Someone in the previous responses mentioned contacting churches, that's a good idea. Some of them are pretty good about community outreach ministerys. they might at least have suggestions anout helping you help your Mom. Also, try asking the local hospitals for suggestions about Homecare help and legal aid for you. For instance, when my Mom was discharged from the hospital, there was an "after care nurse" that gave instructions and advice and said th call her department if I had questions. Didn't know there was a whole department for "after care". But they might be usefull. Try going to your county's website and look for caregiver support. You'll probably have to dig around in it. If you dont find anything, call the county and ask for info on caregiver support. There's nothing wrong with putting some of his back on them, it also shows you're making a responsible effort to do your job. Sounds like you need an advocate looking out for your rights too. Sounds like your Moms rights are covered, but (and I know I didn't hear the whole conversation with the social worker or the Alzheimer's association) but your rights need to be protected too, there wasn't enough information given to you by anyone about support and protection for you. These organizations know that being a full time caregiver (by your self) will run a person into the ground so-to-speak. At some point you will succumb to exhaustion and it will fall to someone to take over. They know the value of a good caregiver. As I said before, don't know what was said but just threatening you wasn't healpful. It's important to be informed about potential liability, but that should have been followed by what to do about it. For your well being as we'll as your Moms. Sorry.... Didn't mean to get preachy. I know how you feel tho. It's scary to begin with that Mom's slipping away. I have never felt so alone and overwhelmed and scared. I didn't know who to ask for help. She has insurance but they were useless in helping me ( that's another thing) if she has insurance contact them for advice and help. And if they try to hang you aut to dry, call the insurance commissioners office and ask what the company is supposed to be covering. She may just have Homecare coverage. My mom did and they said she didnt and let me do all the work. I lost my job over it. I'm considering filing suit. But That's another story. Point is, if she has coverage make them live up to it. And social services can just go after them. Hope some of all this helps. Take care.

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I agree that the SW was being a bully. If your mom is not wondering then you should be able to get out for a few hours....and yes, the going price in Columbus for good caregiving services is around $20.00 an hour. Anything less than $20.00 you have to worry about the type of person coming into your home. I don't know about your mom but mine never would consider going to Respite Care or an Adult Day Care or anywhere else outside the home so that isn't a possibility for a lot of us. I am concerned about those of you that are home all of the time. I am going crazy even with going shopping 1 - 2 hours every other day. God Bless!

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I'm so sorry to hear that someone decided to contact social services and are now bugging you like this. Some people just can't mind their own business. Most caregivers have the sense to know when someone can be left alone and for how long. Having a stranger stick their nose into your business is just Big Brother crap that I find very offensive. Just to keep the busy bodies out of your hair, you should be able to find respite care for no cost or for a very reasonable fee in your area. See if you can't get neighbors to help and friends. You'd be surprised at how they will respond for you. They want to help. Ask them.

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I didn't understand if the charge for someone was $80 for the whole 4 hours or $80 an hour? I pay about $88 for four hours once a week for my mother through Visiting Angels. It is a little more where I live because I am a distance from the city where they are based.

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Just curious- what is the criteria for not leaving your person alone? My Mom has CG care 4 hrs/day by astate lic agency. I oversee things on weekend. I live 2 mi away and droppin freq. Mom doesn't wander etc. CG oversees dinner( cooking) when we can't. Everything seems status quo- what's the limit?

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Oh man, this is something I never considered - being prosecuted for elderly abuse or neglect! There always seems to be another hurdle or challenge lurking right around the corner. Geez. Thank you for bringing this up.

I have another concern which is along these same lines. Right now where I live we are having a terrible heat wave, with heat advisories, etc. Mom, who has dementia, lives by herself but doesn't yet require full-time supervision (according to her doctor). Though there is someone with her every single day, there are 3-hour stretches during the day when she is by herself, in addition to 8:00 p.m. - 9:00 a.m. At 9:00 a.m. whoever gets there turns the ACs on to low / energy saver to cool the house down. However, for those 3-hour stretches in the afternoon, she turns them all off! So worried about electricity, etc. When we get back 3 hours later, it is stifling hot - 86F - she is disoriented and hot to the touch. What to do? I did block the controls with a note saying "Mom, please leave this on until someone comes back". However, I am not sure that will deter her. She sure can be determined! LOL - gotta love them.

Anyway, thanks again for bringing this up.

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I would check into other agencies that offer some form of a companion to stay with her while you are out. Don't know where you live but a min. of 4 hours does not sound acceptable to me. We also have friends that we pay to watch mom while we are out, yes it gets costly but sometimes it is worth it.

Can she be left alone? How bad is her Alzchemier's, check in with Senior Resources in your area or an agency that can help you. You can go on line also and see what is available in your area.

Best of luck with this, with a little information, you might not have to run through the stores and have a little time to relax. Medicare will pay for a certified nurse's aide to come in, provided her doctor stated that it is needed. But if she is not homebound Medicare won't cover it, but Medicaid, which is state aide will cover the costs.

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^^darn autocorrect! She spends a great deal of time sleeping...is how that's supposed to read. :-)

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Fortunately, my mom isn't so bad yet that I can't leave her alone for a few hours at a time. If it's going to be all day, I let the neighbors know so they can check on her for me. Fortunately, she also spends a great deal of time something - if I run out to the grocery store, chances are that she'll not have moved from her bed the entire time.

She does have a Lifeline. She does not remember that she has it, nor would she remember to use it. The people who installed the system suggested that I have her push the button daily to "test" it, they say that often helps their clients remember they have it. I need to start doing that with her, today shall be the day! All that said, they do make units that will detect falls automatically, this is the pendant she now has.

When the time comes that she's not okay alone, I'll tap into the resources given me by the home health agency. They work with two specific companies that they've vetted themselves, that have both skilled and unskilled caregivers; the unskilled hourly rates are in the $12-$18 range.

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I am sure SS was just giving a warning. Adult daycare places(normally churches) have a 1 day a week,with no minimum time,will care for your mom for an hour. A neighbor that can be trusted to sit with her or a young collage intern getting a degree in Social. Their are some names posted on local bulletin boards@markets,post offices. Just search for some help. You cannot do this alone nor fear for a fine. Accidents will happen to even the most caring or detailed caregiver,so don't beat yourself up. Their is a helping hand out there,you just need to locate it and make a standing date for your shopping time.

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Yes my county has a respite program, the problem is they give a list of names and the allotted hours. It Is up to me to go thru this list and find someone available, interview, and train them. recently lost my worker and have had no luck with the replacement. The case worker is of no help! If I cannot find someone available on the list I am out of luck...I tried one in june and she committed to working then just stopped showing up and finally quit. I lost half my hours due to her shenanigins, ugh...and 5 hrs month before also due to worker. There is no administrative/human resources type support or accountability for the "list" they are not even trained in anything to do with senior care or basic job etiquette. anyone can get on the list: and like I said it is not likely that I will find someone available this round..i have called all 12ish, 5 are not good phone numbers. of the 7 i left voicemessage only 1 returned my call to say she is booked already!
It is frustrating and a double edged sword....the case worker toots the list yet has no quality control or power over the list. ughhhhhhhhhhhh!
Sorry for bithching.....I am now going to community college for nursing students, lions and kiwani's club, and the local churches as I must find some relief. I have high hopes for the church as our MSW from homehealth recommended these ladies as personal friends and former caregivers themselves...small town here limited but also connected!

My mom would never wander or walk around house n get hurt, but she would offer an intruder a hot cup o coffee and a sit or not be able to escape in case of fire etc.... '

Untill this month i had help at least with a sr companion who would sit with her,while i shopped, but she died suddenly last Friday we are still reeling from the loss of our Wanda..we had become close over the years! I don't wanna be so insensitive but i have called about a replacement.
So yes there are programs..sr companion was thru the local sr center and the county gave me This home health aide type once a week, which is up to me to find.
Oh ya i did find a new program i will apply for that if i take ma into town 25 miles away they will keep her at a facility just a day program and not sure how much till i get evaluated but ... I have the app and will turn it in and see if/what we qualify for!
I am rambling in frustration this morning but hope some of it helps!
keep looking and asking around!
I would say leaving them is equal to leaving a child so do be careful in that respect.
Luv
Juju

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The unpredictable nature of dementia is what makes it scary to leave the person alone. What they did yesterday really can't be used to predict what they will do today.

I stay with my 95-year-old mother and our outside doors are key-only. I wear the key on a lanyard around my neck. Mom now is equipped with a tracking device loaned to us at no charge by the local Sheriff's Office. The stove and oven are turned off at the junction box when not in use and Mom can't get to it. Still, I don't know what she'll do until she does it. She herself is the biggest danger to her safety and the only viable prevention is to keep a close watch.

Hopefully I'm not making this sound easy because it's definitely not. I too lack resources for help and recently visited the local Council on Aging to see what's available. I'll be following up on this and hope you will do the same where you live. Best wishes to you.

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I want to add that I also called Alzheimers Assoc & they ALSO sent someone out WITHOUT asking or telling me!!!Luckly it went well, but he had to return to close mom's case! He called me & I told him "just ring the doorbell" I heard what she said & "whew" everything was ok & he was satisified - scared the HELL out of me!!! This was from DCF elder care unit - so anyway, good luck!

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Echomom, yes, unfortunately, you can get into legal trouble IF your mom wanders off, gets hurt, etc., & you KNOW this - I ALMOST had that problem in July 2011 when mom got severely dehydrated & we called 911 at 7:30 am July 9. The only thing I can suggest is tell a neighbor you'll be out for an hour & make sure mom's ok. I realize she's been fine for 4 yrs but as people age they are different - mom's changing in that n.h. & I even told Richard - he replied - different perspective. But MAKE sure someone knows mom's alone for a while & YES you can get into legal trouble!!!!! It's called Elder Neglect - AND it happens in my state (FL)a LOT & they make the newspaper & the news - I am NOT trying to scare you but it CAN happen. Good Luck!!!

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I've read all the very good suggestions. Groceries can be delivered, but you also need some respite too. A Medic Alert necklace is only good if your mother remembers how to use it. Don't forget folks, people with dementia do not remember the (what we call) simple tasks. I had to buy another phone system (like the old kind with the pick up handle) because my husband couldn't remember how to press the "talk" button on the other phone. I don't know where you live, but being a nurse and social worker, and having worked for child protective services in AZ, I guess your social services is considering the elderly with dementia like children and you would not leave a four-year old home alone, would you? I know you live around people, unless you live on an island by yourselves. Reach out and meet your neighbors. I am sure there are kind people who would not mind watching your mother for an hour or so. Let people around you know about your situation and also contact your area on aging. There are plenty of volunteers from churches, to hospices, to the local colleges (if you have a nursing or social work program students can help out and receive extra credit). Do not feel like you are alone! Just ask for help like you did here. Maybe if you told us what state in which you live, someone on this site may know some more resources. You could take her with you and while you are shopping, have her hair styled, with pedicure and manicure if she can handle this. I don't know what stage she is in, so tread lightly. Baby steps are in order. A person with dementia can only handle so much stimuli at once because their brains cannot make sense of what is happening. Best wishes!

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Only those of us who have been or still are caretakers can understand the real need to just "get out" even if only to the world of grocery shopping. Most towns have a VNA or a senior center where you can find volunteers who will come "sit" for a couple of hours. The fact that your mother has a dog might bring great comfort to you knowing she would probably not go out without her dog. That said, you do need to get her a "LIFELINE" button or similar gizmo so if she falls help can be contacted quickly. Is there a Hospice group nearby? Usually trained volunteers are available to keep MOM company while you are gone.
Try leaving her for really short times at first - 20 minutes - Have her "promise" to stay with her dog until you return. If that works go for 40 minutes....

I was caretaker for my husband for two years after his stroke until I could no longer do all the home care ( he was a large man and virtually helpless) and a nursing home was found. He did fall out of bed once but the ambulance was there before I could get back - he had pressed the emergency button!
Don't be "afraid" to ask for help.You deserve it and Mom might even enjoy a new face!
Good luck!

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From what I understand, if I left my bedridden father to go shopping, and something happened where he gets hurt or die while I'm gone, I would be prosecuted for elderly neglect. They are very pro-active here where I live.

We live in a small island. You can drive around the island 40 mph within 2 hours. Despite our small island, we also have respite services. There are at least 2 programs here that is locally/federally funded (they split the funding). One program allows us to have 4 hrs a week. The govt caregiver comes and spends the whole morning or whole afternoon, and the cg can go shopping or do bills or go to the movies. What we did was instead of using up the 4 hours at one time, we asked if we could spread it out to 1 hour per day - 4 days a week - for them to come and sponge bath my bedridden parent. The Other Respite program, also gives me one hour respite + $60.00 for Me like a credit card to be used at the mall or massage, or movies + $60 of supplies (Depends, gloves, baby wipes, etc...).

So please call around. Try first the senior citizen department. They should be aware of most programs pertaining to the elderly/disability.

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Sounds like someone is being a bully. If your mom is deemed incompetent and you have POA DPOAs, just take care of your business and hers. Make sure she is with someone if you go out and you can also get online groceries delivered, that is what I do. I think that is nonsense about being prosecuted and I would take this to this social workers supervisor, or better yet have your attorney contact her supervisor in writing, this is harassment, unless there is more than you can put in here and there are extenuating circumstances.

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Make sure that your mom cannot get out of the house just in case she begins to take walks out of the house. Some people w/ Alzheimer's go for walks and get lost and some don't. It doesn't sound like you mom is wandering at this point but best to make sure that she doesn't do that by both keeping her safely locked in so she can't get out. JMO. That sure sounds extreme that that the Social Services would automatically throw you in jail when they know that caregivers are usually not getting paid for what they do and usually can't afford to hire anyone to come in and usually have to get out of the house to shop and do chores. That is why I hate sharing information with people because they distort the situation and end up getting us in trouble.

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I don't know who told you that but that just isn't true, are you here mpoa or poa? look for respite care, call aging care services where you live, I shop just once every 2 weeks and have a respite care worker here who does her bathe while I am gone, and this respite is funded by a grant for my county so it cost me nothing, they give me 8 hours a month. hope this helps. but just because you live with her does not make you responsible if something happens while you are gone, also get her a medical alert system so when you are not home, if she needs help. she hits that button and they will either call you on your cell or send an ambulance if she needs one, will keep you in my prayers

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Leaving Mom alone while shopping. Any suggestions?

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