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This is rather like the position I was trying to get over in my response to SoLost21. This lack of feeling is a way of coping - it is what you need to be able to get on with your life. You have the right to do whatever is necessary for you to cope and if that is separating the person you knew from the person you are now caring for that is perfectly acceptable. No need for guilt look after you. If your mother were in a facility she would be being cared for and your visits would be a time you saw her as your mother. Currently you see the "person being cared for" as a patient whilst you are caring and struggle because she is your LO the rest of the time. There is absolutely nothing wrong with separating the two - medical staff would never survive if they could not separate work and away from work. Your "lack of feeling" is how many carers have to be to survive and maintain their own health. It's fine, you look after one person and your LO is a different person, they just look the same. If you can move her to a facility that can provide the care you can start to look after yourself. Don't fight how you feel it is part of your system dealing with your depression.
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Clearly, you are not a horrible person!! Your brain is just trying to cope and survive. Horrible people do not give up their lives to care for another.
You and your dad need help. You need to hire a caregiver or find a care home and unfortunately, your mum is not in a place where she can refuse this. She is not the decision-maker in this.
Your roles need to switch to being companionship roles and in finding yourself some quality of life, maybe you can share that with her.
I have seen people say this before on here and I think it is sage advice.. put your own oxygen mask on first.
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Sounds like you care a lot and are just overwhelmed and burned out. You numb feeling might also be a protective mechanism that helps you cope emotionally.
So sorry for what you are going through and what you family is going through.
I don't have any answers except to suggest taking as good of care of yourself as you can and certainly to know that you are the exact opposite of an uncaring person.
Take care.
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I had that really bad about 6 months ago. I provide 24hr care for my husband 2 kids and 3 English yellow labs. My husband had 2 massive strokes 8 years ago and can walk some, but mostly sits or sleeps all day. Anyway, I found myself bored and going through the motions of his care, without any feeling or thought, even though it disturbed me to do that. Sometimes I even felt anger or yelled at him due to over stress, which upset me even more. When that happens, I know it's due to stress, in which I need to take some time off by doing something that I love like playing a game or going outside for a bit for stress relief. I used to write about it, which helped too, just make sure to hide it from your Mom so she wont get upset after reading it. Once, I was reading a part of something I wrote in front of a writing class and got them laughing that it was like therapy for me to get it out like that. I'm happy to say that it comes in waves. I know now when it happens I just need a break and that I'm not a bad person, just a real person with normal feelings and normal thoughts. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you, you're not alone and remember: laughter is the best medicine. Find a funny movie to get your mind off things, or play with a dog/cat because they are naturally funny, without knowing it most times. Anyway, good luck, and keep me posted. Who knows, maybe you could publish your journal to help other people, just a thought, or read someone else's to help you.
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I call it self preservation.
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I would say you are depressed. Talk to a counselor or friend and see if that helps.
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You yourself are suffering from some physical and mental problems. And you state you have to care for her to a great extent and it has made you numb. And you mention she can be and is difficult to deal with. Why on earth would you not go into a "safe" mode and shut down emotionally to protect yourself. She needs help and you provide it and yet she is difficult. That alone would be horribly draining on you and cause your anger and frustration. You are doing what anyone would be doing and feel. She has no right to be mean with you when you are helping her and you are enabling he by allowing this behavior. You should not be forced into this given the circumstances, nor should your father. I feel she should be placed so you can start taking care of your own personal needs.
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Riley2166 Jul 2021
So many times I have preached to everyone - but some won't listen - when people abuse you or make things so difficult for you and you are doing all you can to take care of them, then the buck stops there - you remove them and place them and take care of you first. You deserve it - and it is time to make the break before you are destroyed.
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Your reaction is actually very sensible and healthy. You recognize that you can't control the situation, your tears will not improve the situation, so you are getting on with things. You should be proud of yourself. Give mom a kiss on the cheek, rub her back once in awhile, tell her you love her. This is the best you can do. God bless.
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I have been a caregiver for my mom for a little over a year now. After this amount of time, I have found it necessary to guard my heart. I was on an emotional roller coaster trying to make sure I did everything to make my mom happy and comfortable. My mother too can be very demanding - much like a diva.
I am now in counseling and was just expressing my fear that when mom is gone I will feel guilty that I didn't do a good enough job. My counselor asked me what I could do to prevent the guilt. I have a hard time enjoying my mom's company. She is very social and would love to talk and have lengthy conversations, Because of some of the things she has said and the way she behaves, I find this very difficult to do. If I express my feelings to her she tells me I'm too sensitive.

So I find myself on auto-pilot being as caring and polite as I can be. I wish I could have a more lighthearted relationship with her, but I find myself stuffing my feelings down and going on with my day.

Know that you are perfectly normal, a very caring person, and not alone. Caregiving is one of the hardest things to do.

Find time to do what you love...reading, gardening, exercising, sewing, crafts...whatever it is that makes you feel content.

God Bless you,
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Bootsiesmom Jul 2021
It's hard for me to have any long conversations with my mother even though I know she would like to do so more often than we do. I don't feel guilty anymore about it and accept that we are very different. She's not mean or nasty or anything like that, we are just different on significant (and insignificant) issues. I also find I am also on auto-pilot when we speak, and stuff my own opinions. I just let her talk, try to avoid unpleasant topics until the conversation ends.
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You can only give so much. You need a rest.
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Perhaps you might want to look up focus on the family for help. It is free
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Long-term caregiving can put you in auto-pilot mode as time marches on. You do the same things, face the same problems over and over. After a while you just react automatically. You can only take one day at a time because of your long list of daily medical needs assigned to you. It’s not that you have a lack of feelings towards your loved one, but you’re emotionally drained.
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Imho, you are not a horrible person. You are a stellar caregiver who requires respite.
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What you are feeling is normal. You have had to bear a terrible burden for so long. How can that not impact you? And it is hard seeing what is happening to her. You have heard of the fight or flee syndrome. You are overburdened for too long and its impact on you physically and mentally is great. So you "retreat" which is a safe human coping mechanism. There is nothing wrong with you - you are suffering in a different way than she is. I personally think this is just too much for you and if there is a way, hire a caretaker or look into Medicaid and have her placed where she is cared for.
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I am right there with you. Both of my parents moved in with us 13 years ago tomorrow! We didn’t ask for or even offer to do this. They were just there, broke and in need. Siblings all had reasons they couldn’t/wouldn’t help them. I could let them move in with us or let them live under a bridge somewhere. After caring for Alzheimer’s dad for 6 years before he passed then my mother’s decline after that I am past burn out and on to compassion fatigue. Extremely numb. My mother’s memory issues makes having any meaningful conversations impossible. 4 siblings have been no help. It has all fallen on me and my husband including how to finance them. Recently moved mom to assisted living. She would rather be with me but I just can’t anymore. I’m 74 and just can’t mentally or physically do it. Worry about regrets later but... I still manage her care, her affairs, her needs, visit often, call almost daily but am so, so tired. It has taken a toll on me and to some extent my marriage. I’m so ready to be done
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DJ9876543 Aug 2021
I am so so sorry dear one. You are a gem. You went above and beyond as a daughter.
Is there a senior county agency that you can reach out to for at least information on any resource where you can get a break? A church that may offer a half hour visit from a member/minister so you can take a walk or watch a movie?
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You are absolutely normal.
Right now you are "doing the task" of caring. The mind and body usually just go into action mode and you are in survival mode. Don't feel you aren't normal or should be different.
I hope you can find a hobby or get to a movie or read a book once in awhile for your own well deserved health.
Mom refusing aids is not helping. You and your dad may have to give her an ultimatium - night aids or you go to a health care facility ( even if you might no follow through- it is worth the possibility she allows it)
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