Has anyone succeeded in transforming their anger with siblings into something positive?

Yes. but this happened before my late father passed on. I was the only female and 10 years younger than my older brother, which posed a problem right off. He seemed to take the attitude towards me my younger brother and me that we weren't good enough in some way to be his equal - never said it, you just KNEW. I kept trying on my part, never closing that door, but not expecting too much. The other brother tried a few times, then told me he gave up and they never were close, even though eventually, the older one really wanted that relationship. Anyway, one day I got a call from the older one (he lived 4 hours from us) that he'd had a near fatal heart attack, etc. and how was I doing??? We had a nice long talk, and at the end of it, I said you may get mad but I'm going to say it anyway. What happened to the attitude? He told me he'd gone to therapy, because his friends had also noticed this and had called him on it, which I never thought to do, partly because my sister in law was always there, I couldn't talk to him alone, and she seemed to support this superiority business. Anyway, the barrier was broken, and from then on until he died, we had a better and better relationship, despite my sister in law. She was the kind that was always listening but didn't say much - seemed afraid his affection could only be fore her and the kids or they were being cheated, I guess. Anyway, don't count on it, keep your "doors" open, and be ready to forgive - a lot! You never know - but remember, it takes two. You cannot straighten him out alone. God bless and best of luck.

I gave up expecting my brother to have the same level of caring that I do. I just do what is best for mom and maintain hope for my future. Good Luck.

I am so lucky that I have one sibling and we work together very well in taking care of my parents. But my spouse's family on the other hand is a different story. His brother sounds like yours. And unfortunately in our case they are co-power of attorney - needing to act together. My spouse just tries to work around him as best we can, but it's hard. I think what stymies me most is how much my spouse's brother is missing. My husband and I have a very strong relationship with his ailing mom that really blesses our life. I've been practicing mindfulness for several years. The loving kindness meditations help some with the situation with my BIL. It's easier for me to deal with the difficult situation with my BIL because it's not my sibling. Truthfully, I'd be so hurt and angry if it were my own sibling treating my parents (and me) that way. I'm sorry that's happening to you and I wish I knew the magic answer to help. I just don't get people sometimes. I just could never ever just write my parents off like that.

One thing that has helped my spouse and I some is that we send BIL occasional updates that just list things we've done over the past month; for example a list of visits/calls we've made on mom's behalf, summary of chores we've done for her, etc. Not bragging, just a factual summary of what's been done on Mom's behalf. We act like he'd like to be kept informed and try to keep it somewhat friendly and not judgmental or passive aggressive (which is tricky I have to admit.) Maybe this doesn't make any impact on the BIL but it helps us feel that at least we are keeping him informed of what we've been been doing for his mom. He can't plead ignorance at least. Best of luck to you. Just know you are not alone.

This is such a common story, I feel for you, and can relate!
After several years of caring for his parents at their home with little or no help from his out of town siblings, my husband & I came to the conclusion that when his brothers do visit (rarely), it is solely to visit his parents and not to offer to help US in any way. They could call ahead of time to see if we need anything or if there is something they can do, but they do not. That's just the way it is.
They know very well what it is that we do for their care and they are not interested in participating or helping out, for whatever reason. IMO, they are not going to change, and that's fine. We have moved beyond being angry or resentful. Best of luck to you!

You are correct in this being a familiar story. My brother and I didn't speak for 3 years. I finally decided that the anger was eating me alive and of no help to the situation. My brother and I speak and do see each other on holidays, but I will never forgive him for not helping take care of mom. I will never forgive him for the stress that all of this caused my marriage. I will never forgive him for thinking that his time is more valuable than mine. It is what it is and there may come a day when he needs someone to take care of him and maybe no one will choose to help him and he will reflect on this. But he is so full of himself, I doubt it. LOL

You just have to take the high road. That is really my only advice. You can't change anyone. I consider my brother a "casual when he feels like it" visitor to mom. Once I removed his relevance and importance in my head, it made things easier for me. When he made the decision not to help his own mother, he mattered less to me....that's really the only way I can explain it.

He doesn't matter. You matter and your mom matters. Put your energy there.

Sending hugs your way!

Sigh - I am reading how familiar this issue is to so many of us, and while I hope there is something positive from this, I feel as though there will be even less contact with a couple of my sibling when my parents' chapters are closed. Just an example: after a visit to my folks during which I set up their medical alert system, one sister called the other to ask why I was trying to get all the attention... we are damned for some folks no matter what. Karma was the best way to sign your question.
I appreciate the folks in this forum. Be strong.

Same boat here. And in my case my sibling lives close while I live far away. I still do everything. I am POA and trustee of a good sized estate that I will manage at some point and up till this I always felt that everything should be divided 50/50 when the time came. I am reevaluating that. So I put my anger into more of an “okay, just wait and see what you not stepping up will get you” place. You don’t help now you won’t get any help yourself later place if you will. They will get what my parent provided for them, and nothing more. And there is a lot more.

My youngest brother is quite a piece of work and is now in the process of trying to scam my father out of his estate. My aunt , who is actually closer in age to me than my father, observed all this and is reaching out to me with her advice and observations.

This nightmare has brought my aunt and I closer. This is my "positive outcome".

You did right by your parents. I am sorry you feel anger at not receiving help from your brother. Don't allow the negative feelings to infect your life.
I have been disowned by my only older sibling. I did all the caretaking while she lived her life in other states. Both parents now deceased. Her response when I told her I did not want her to come live with me - "You have always been jealous of me. You are a hypocrite." She has huge debt, she ran off to Algeria to get married to an Algerian half her age, now she lives alone in California in debt. I did offer her to come join me and then I realized my house is way too small for the both of us. A bungalow - Only 1 bedroom. 720 square feet. I started having really bad anxiety attacks. So I told her not to come. That quote fom her to date is my last contact with her. It breaks my heart but being 73 years old I finally learned no matter how you try to keep family members happy in the long run you must do what is right for you. I feel no anger towards her. I just feel sad that us both being in our seventies she is throwing temper tantrums like a small child. Her problem. I had to sell my mother's and my home of 48 years to pay my mother's debts, funeral, probate fees. I went through probate of my mother's estate with no help from my sister. Yet I am the "bad guy". Go figure. How she reacts toward me is her problem. Quite frankly no contact is a relief. The being on edge trying to walk a titerope to keep peace with her is gone.
I wish you well in your journey as caregiver. Do what you must and ignore the negative people. A lesson I learned the hard way late in life.

The only thing that truly helped me is when I finally let go of my resentment. I realized it was only hurting me with obsessive, ingrained anger while he went on unknowingly with his own self absorbed life. When you think about Karma, remember this - she will repay YOU for all you have done for your parents. Keep on being caring and kind - Karma has already given you that gift from them.

While our family dynamics are not exactly the same, I feel a lot of the same tensions.

My mom is 92 and in an assisted living facility. I have two siblings and many nieces and nephews. I visit mom really regularly, and sometimes really regularly is too much. My husband and I spent many hours with mom at Christmas. My one bro visited for a very brief time period. Of all of our 18 family members, it was just 3 of us that spent time with mom for the holiday.

Whenever the AL contacted me about mom because she was sick and in need of going to the hospital, the first call I make is to my one brother. The other brother and his wife are useless so we don't speak (AT ALL). No crying here.

So, two weeks ago, I missed the call from AL, so they contacted my one brother who never, ever contacted me. I got a call from the hospital the next morning saying mom was in the hospital. WHAT?

I immediately sent a text to my brother explaining the situation as I knew it. Then I called the AL wondering why I wasn't informed about mom's hospital transfer. I was told that they called my brother. OMG. WHAT? Then I CALLED my brother and read him a very subdued riot act. (I amazed my self with how subdued my riot act was.) He said he didn't feel it was necessary to call me because the ER said mom would be going back to the AL shortly. However, he called my useless brother who has seen mom 3-4 times in a year. My brother did not even go to the ER to see mom (which I most definitely would have).

My first reaction about my brother getting the call and not contacting me was that I would not contact him in the future if I get calls. However, that is not in my nature. He will be called, but not necessarily the first call I make.

Make sure you take care of you. If you have control of their money, be sure to "pay yourself" for services you have rendered.

It is good of you to make sure your parents are cared for, but when you used the word "caregiving," I thought you were going to discuss the stress and exhaustion of hands-on caregiving. Your situation seems to be more a matter of time and attention to making sure your parents are being looked after. If your parents' resources are covering their expenses, that is a plus.
Does your brother's POA status permit him to interfere with whatever choices you are making? If he cannot interfere and if your parents money is paying the costs, then leave your brother out of your thinking. Focus on how well your parents are being taken care of and how efficiently you are handing their affairs, just as you would be doing if you were an only child. If/when our parents and legal matters and paperwork need to be taken care of, accept the help of the bankers and brokers and professional people who know how things need to be done. most of the professionals are enormously patient and helpful. They are used to people being distressed and overwhelmed while they are not and they can handle legalities systematically.

I'm in the same boat. The youngest of six siblings, taking care of mom basically alone. My older sister helped until her husband became ill, and she had to take care of him. My oldest brother is retired as is his wife (a retired nurse) and neither offer any kind of help at all. They send flowers for mom's birthday and Mother's Day--I guess that makes them feel better. Another brother & sister have nothing to do with the family, and the last of my sisters lives a couple of hours away and calls to tell me how much she appreciates everything I do, yet never offers to help in any way. I was angry at having to give up my life--through my forties and fifties--while they went merrily on their way. It took awhile, but I realized my anger at them didn't hurt them--it only hurt me. No, I'll never get those 14 years back, but then again, THEY'LL never have the memories I've made with my mom or the quality time spent with her. So, I let it go. I no longer keep in touch with my brothers or one sister--too much negativity and drama--and it was sad, but a relief nonetheless. There are many here on the forum that lament the fact that they are an "only child" and bear the brunt of the caregiving, but it doesn't just happen with only children. This isn't about my siblings--I've come to terms with the fact that they're egocentric and basically worthless--it's about my mom and my commitment to her and providing the best care possible for her. My "family" is now made up of those who truly care about me and we help and support each other any way we can. Mom fell in January and went to a nursing home for acute rehabilitation. It killed me to see her there, but guess what? She absolutely loves it! She's a retired nurse and once worked in this same facility. The nurses there let her sit with them in the nurse's station, and will occasionally take her with them when they give meds. Mom is 94 and has vascular dementia, but I think that on some level she knows where she is, so we're doing a "test drive" and leaving her there for now. I'm still adjusting to "being free" after 14 years of caretaking, but I have no regrets. Once she's gone, I have plans to move south and get on with my life. I can't control how others act, and realizing and coming to terms with that made all the difference in the world. You do YOU and do what you think is best. Let it go and leave your brother to his own devices. With my family, I hope to be there when the karma bus comes around the corner, but either way, I am at peace knowing I've done the best I could. Sending lots of hugs and good karma your way...

It’s natural to be angry when your siblings can help carry the load, but choose not to. It’s during these tough times that true love comes through in a family. But sadly, it doesn’t always work out. There’s nothing you can do about it. So accept it. God sees it and a day will come when your siblings will find themselves in the same situation. While I hate, hate, hate my siblings’ not stepping up, I can’t sue them and make them help out. One day, they’ll remember this season and regret sitting back and doing minimum. But maybe such a time as this is why you were born!

If I may ask what kind of behavior or inaction has your sibling done?

I ask because for me anger is dependent on the transgression, if it is something minor just not worth the energy. Just live your best life, do the best you can. No one can shame you and you have no reason to feel bad.

Dear all,

THANK YOU for so many kind words, and good advice.

So…let me update the situation here.

I have been counting (I’m a very precise person), and we are mannnnnny (that’s how I measure things. Little, many. I don’t have many units of measurements)…

We are mannnnnny people in the same boat.

I’m a bit concerned, because…you know what happened to the Titanic…
(OK, it collided into an iceberg. And the passengers weren’t helping their elderly parents).

OK, OK.

Anyway…

Courage everyone.
We will manage :).

We’re kind people.
How can we possibly not manage?

An unkind person has already failed.
Accumulating wealth doesn’t mean you’re a successful human being.

Sooooo,
while we’re on this boat together, COURAGE :).

Hello Karma :)

I have been very much in same boat. My older brother has some personal issues and has been acting strange and distancing from our family for a couple of years, has employment and divorce troubles, etc.—and was nonetheless chosen as the POA on all fronts. He does the minimal meetings with care facility people upon moving my parents to new settings, then doesn’t come back to visit or help at all with the things they need.

Prior to living in memory care, my parents never saw him and asked me endlessly where he was. It makes me furious.

We all got along well until things
went south with my parents health, but he’s honestly always been a true flake. I’m not sure we will recover the relationship and it’s very sad.

1. I have a friend named Carme, I don't think she can help you although I'm sure she'd have good advice.

2. I sometimes sit and imagine the sweet release of faking my own death.

I don't know how I will transform my anger. Sometimes I shake with anger when I have to speak to certain family members - I have to do breathing exercises and walk while I talk. The caregiving experience has been enlightening to say the least. Ironically, the ones crowing about "blood being thicker than water" and "family" are most prone to abandoning a loved one like a threatened Quokka throwing their young towards an approaching menace. One particularly annoying morning I heard someone discuss the concept of success through the lens of stoicism, that virtue is the pinnacle of success and sometimes that is enough for me.

Him doing nothing is worse than him trying to take over. I just pretend my brothers are not there to help. I don't think about them. I can't change them. I put all my energy into my mom who is now in memory care. All of her money will go to pay for her memory care. Karma back to my brothers who didn't help anyways.

Oh, I know the street you live on. I am the youngest and the only female of my siblings. I had 2 brothers who weren't really there caregiving for our mother.
Middle brother could not (prison, in and out) and the other started out somewhat involved(sometimes a no show ) then became unreliable. I was working fulltime.
Mom went to adult day care for a while, I had aides but it all became too much as she needed more care.
When she went into a facility, the oldest brother never visited her nor asked if she needed anything. When she died, we had a blowout argument. He told me that he said goodbye to her when she went in there. He had a long simmering anger at Mom. Believe me, I asked why.
What I got were complaints but no real reason to me. Maybe they were reasons for him. The middle brother visited a few times after he got out. Was he able to help? No, he needed help for himself. Not every sibling has the same relationship to the parent as the other does. I know the mother she was to me.
Mom was in the facility 7 years before she died in 2010. I was her advocate and had many battles to make sure that she got excellent care.
Since then, the middle brother has died (he ended up in a facility-cancer) I was his advocate. The oldest last brother is now in facility because he did not take care of himself.
His wife and son died . He has no one else. He got ill last year and called 911 to take him to the hospital, from there rehab and then a long term facility as he is not capable of taking care of himself.
So, for the last 11 months, I have been his advocate. I visit. Not everyday but several times during the month. I take him things he needs and asks for. I am involved in his care conferences and speak my concerns. Follow up on them. He can speak his wishes and concerns, also.
My third go around at caregiving.
In order to do this, I had to come to terms with my feelings about him and his not being there for Mom. Every now and then, the fiery feeling of resentment comes up. I let it, whether I say it out loud or write it in a journal. I have had therapy, it has been helpful. I am still a work in progress.
How many times have I thought, huh, I ought to just walk away. This is my time, now that I have retired. He is not my father or husband or beloved. He is my brother. I know that there were times I wasn't there for him.
Karma? Perhaps, who knows? The shoe could have been on the other foot. Could've been me. Knowing that if it was, he would not be there for me.
Call me a fool or a chump but I can't walk away. I do what I can when I can but NOT over extending myself and my needs.
Karma is not up to us, thank God. You never know how life will turn out.
You will be faced to deal with your brother when your parents are no longer here.
Get your feelings out as much as possible however you need to. Save your energy for taking care of yourself and your parents.
Have I transformed my anger into positivity? I don't know about that, he enjoys what I bring him and the help that I give him. I just know that I can't carry that anger around. Too heavy a burden.
I get it. It is not right nor fair but it is the cards you have been dealt unless he changes.

I love your responses and I love your questions. I'm in the process of building a platform to help seniors and their families during this crazy change of power/relationship. Meaning you become the parent.

I will ask you and all the people who responded. Please listen to your public officials when they run for office. The Baby Boomers are retiring and are living longer with more health care issues. Please Vote and share your concerns.

And you are an awesome daughter! Thank you for taking care of your mother!

Stay Inspired,
Shonda

Same situation here only my brother and me were on the same POA. My brother lived in Texas, I in Ga. He contributed money when I needed it.
He is basically (legally) bound to whatever his says. You both need to be on the same one, because he can take credit for the things you do.
At least he doesn't get disagreeable. If he did, I'd say that you have full physical custody, therefore your decisions stick.
They won't get better. Can you have him visit and you take off some time? My brothers eyes were opened after he realized what I did. Out of sight, out of mind. He needs to come spend about a week with you.

I'm not a professional, just speaking from experience, just a sibling and sibling-in-law, a caregiver, and very alone, so I hope that what I write is understood in the way I kindly mean to give you a better and peaceful outlook on things. 

Consider that you didn't have a brother, you would be doing all these things to ensure your parent's well being alone anyway. 

Sometimes anger and wishing/hoping for revenge through Karma is a result of comparison and jealousy. Not the type of jealousy from thinking someone is better than you but instead from comparing what a person does as opposed to what their sibling doesn’t do is a kind of jealousy.  

Everyone, and I mean everyone, even conjoined twins, have their own personality characteristics. Even though we are from the same family, what can be enraging is the expectation that blood related people do not fit in to our framework of expected behavior. 

We presume that if we share parents, we have been programed to think and behave the same way. I know you know better but since it's so close to "home" it's confounding, and compounded by the hurt that your brother is not only turning his back on your parents, but he's turning his back on you as well. 

You would not do that. He is not you. He is selfish, or ill equipped, or hasn’t a clue about sacrifice. He may have deeper problems. Maybe he thinks that whatever he did or suggested it would be met head on with objection and he’s sick of it. 

View him as an accidental member of you family, as you are really. Basically a stranger. If he had been a neighbor from around the block you would not be angry. It’s only because he is so close.

This won’t last forever, unless you enjoy festering. Whenever he pops into your mind play music, or go for a walk. You wish he were like you, can you be like him? No? And he can’t be like you either. 

Btw, was he ever asked to help with anything before your parents needed him? Was he ever expected to contribute any effort for family? 

Compassion is a learned thing. My brother was not a prince. He was The Prince. I'm seriously surprised he knows how to wipe his own butt.

You may say, well no one taught me. You are on a higher plane. There are men who are excellent caregivers and intuitive but your brother is not one of them. 

Does your brother take good care of himself or of his own? Was your brother ever criticized for his efforts? Did you ever say to him "Look I'm in over my head. I need you. I need you to do exactly these things. I hope that you can work with me". People are not mind readers.

Consider too, are you more comfortable directing you anger on him rather than your parents or yourself.

Dear fellow people in the same boat,

Here we go. In this boat.

Courage.

I’ll be gone a while. I’m now speedily writing my memoir (AlvaDeer's idea). As I mentioned:

Provisional working title: The Road to Positive, Calm and Infinite Tranquility

Realistic Title: %/)(·/$)(Q/·=!)(·=!)"(=(/=··$!!!!!!!


GROUP BOAT HUG!!
:)

Hello Karma :)

If I had that number I'm afraid you would only get a busy signal because I have a list j/k A little levity is good for the soul. I'm sorry for your situation and I had similar until I had to place my Dad in a nursing home. My do nothing but has all the answers brother has since become the one constantly calling the staff and yelling at them over every slight thing. Yelling and threatening them I've had to block his number and it's too much drama to get in to but I'm sure some relationships can be repaired. In a "normal" family I'd say maybe he isn't avoiding out of laziness or superiority, but maybe this is too much for him, maybe it's too painful for him to think about or face, maybe it's fear. Not that you aren't having those moments yourself. I wish you well, all of you, on this journey.

I won’t get into my sibling story here, but I swear by cardio kickboxing. Full sized martial arts bag, group classes in person and virtually ( covid ) Also other exercise - surfing, hiking, skating, whatever works!

I literally burn my anger into workouts and at age 50 I am starting to have creaky days but also am pretty strong! Fyi I try not to ever think about my sibling but every now and then have to deal with that situation….so instead of repressing anger I turn it into muscles!

Overall I’d say bad situation being morphed into something positive, yes! Truly wishing you the best of luck

Have been through the same thing. At the beginning of 2022 after a tough 3 years where i felt like my siblings did not exist, for the most part, I decided to stop having any expectations of them. I started meditating and taking care of me because I did not like the resentful person I was becoming. I told myself that karma would catch up with them (especially the one who was close enough to have actually been able to help occasionally).

Coincidentally, in the past month that sibling was injured through a stupid stunt she pulled and my father was hospitalized (unrelated). In the haze of pain killers maybe, the sibling sent me a long letter apologizing for having been so absent. Perhaps being laid up without anyone to help her, she realized how much I had been doing for Mom and Dad. Due somewhat to her injury, she was unable to be with Dad at the end. She has been experiencing extreme heartache and remorse that among other things, she was a horrible teenager to parents who were wonderful, and that has been basically absent the past 3 years. She's seen how loving and supportive of mom and me my adult kids were through Dad's last week of life and how absent her only child was. She literally told me through tears that she thinks Karma has caught up with her. It caught up with her earlier than i expected, but I do believe that most people who have done so little for their parents will eventually experience a lot of guilt.

It may not happen in time for you to see it, so in the meantime, follow the good advice that's already been given here and try not to let the anger and resentment take over your life. I know it's hard. I sometimes count the hours I've spent neglecting my own life while taking care of Mom and Dad and thinking of all the fun things I could have been doing instead. But in the end, I will have no regrets for how I treated them.

Hello Bren! :)

“If I had that number I'm afraid you would only get a busy signal because I have a list”

:)

Curiosity got the best of me, and I called the one number I have (Wearynow suggested 1-800-IN-YOUR-NEXT-LIFE).

What happened?

Well, just as you would expect.

First, I was put on hold. Duh.

Next, I was told to choose between 3 options. So unoriginal.

Finally, after choosing option 3, I was told a long, sob story about how Karma is sick, fever in bed…

It sounded like one big excuse to me.

Then I started telling MY sob story.

And then, Karma said to me, “Listen to Grandma1954. Forget about me.”

G-d handles that department of Karma....just wait and be patient. We will get our blessings and bro will get...

Hugs to us :)

hellokarma: I hear you! I really do. My situation (or my mother's, really) was that I had to leave my home, family, husband, daughter and life behind to move in with my late mother where she was living alone seven states away from me because she was adamant about staying put. Wow - that caused a real dilemma for me. She was a legally blind woman and when her blood pressure plummeted, I had to move in with her. Long story short - she was on her death bed from an ischemic stroke and my brother, who had arrived days before from across country, left to return home WHILE she lay on her death bed. That left me alone with her and mind you, I had already been living there for half the year. I could either continue to dwell on his oddness or let it go. I chose the later. Good luck to you, hellokarma. Don't let it eat you up.