My mother's caregiver, who I have relied on and trusted for over three years and counting (employed by an agency), really did dumb yesterday. She used my mother's credit card to make a relatively small purchase on her own personal amazon account. I discovered this immediately because of all of the alerts I have on my mother's credit card (this was a "card not present" transaction).
I followed up with Amazon, and they were able to confirm who the purchaser was. I very grudgingly offered the caregiver's name, hoping that it wasn't her. The customer service person said yes, it is this person. I was so deeply disappointed and felt very much betrayed and taken advantage of. As someone who I've put a lot of trust in, and have had tremendous faith in her judgement and reliability over the years--and what could well be years to come -- even though the amount was pretty trivial ($28 and change for goodness sakes), I'm struggling.
Amazon removed the credit card info from her account, and she won't be able to use the card for any further purchases. I also disputed the amount with the credit card company, so all of that is good to go.
The thing is, I don't want to get rid of her, and I feel really conflicted about that. She has been the best caregiver in the past 5 plus years -- all of the others have been flakey and unable to use good judgement (I live 3 plus hours away, work full time, and need someone who can take responsibility and initiative when necessary). This person was someone who would demonstrate good common sense, keep in good touch with me, run interference in any number of difficult situations. When my mother fell last March, she handled the paramedics, the ER, and the cleanup at the house. I was very appreciative and gave her a monetary "thank you" since I know her agency wouldn't pay her more than her hourly rate. Now that it's holiday season, I was (maybe still am???) ready to write her a check for her annual Christmas bonus, which I'm pretty certain other clients don't do.
Sigh...a few months ago, she was driving my mother through her retirement community, and she got a speeding ticket (I was notified since my mother's a resident). The community "police" are hypervigilent and my reaction was to think "hey, it happens" (she was going maybe 40 mph in a 35 zone), and I paid for the ticket so she wouldn't be out the $50. I just thought "don't let it happen again" and moved on.
I'm just so deeply disappointed, and wonder if I'm being a total chump. Searching online, I've found posts that use the terms "elder abuse" and I wonder if I should immediately terminate her, and then embark on the horrendous task of finding another replacement. The agency would of course send someone else, or more than one person if necessary, but the upheaval to my mother (and me, honestly) is just overwhelming to think about.
And I don't know if, or how, I should approach this with her! Amazon couldn't tell me if the caregiver would receive her order or not, but she will be able to see plain as day that the credit card info is permanently gone from her account, so she'll know what's up in that way. I wonder if maybe it would be beneficial to just let her twist in the wind--not say a thing to her, but she'll know she's on notice.
It was such a stupid thing to do. She knows I watch my mother's accounts like a hawk, or she should know. Would it be awful, or stupid of me, if I continued to keep her as my mother's caregiver? I know that it's the nature of the situation (my being long distance, my mother having dementia, caregivers earning a crappy wage for difficult work) that things may go missing, they might take advantage in small ways if they can get away with it, and I've made my peace with that. If she throws a few groceries for herself into the cart when she takes my mother shopping, I'm not going to sweat it. If a tchotchke or two or three disappear, so be it -- that's the way it goes, is my attitude.
But this...???
I too have been accused multiple times by an aunt (slight dementia and lifelong paranoia). She CONSTANTLY misplaces her things and then accuses the most recent person who visited her of stealing the item. And when she finds the "stolen item" (she always does), there is NEVER an acknowledgement or apology. Ever.
I have helped her so many times, taking my entire day to get her to the doctor and grocery store, only to have her turn on me like a pitt bull. Her most favorite item to lose and accuse is a strand of pearls.
She is currently in Assisted Living. I have watched her anytime we are leaving her room to go somewhere. This look of paranoia suddenly comes over her face and she starts "grabbing and hiding" things of value. I watched her grab her credit card and hide it in the covers on her unmade bed and tuck her watch into a stack of dirty clothes, etc. I immediately stopped her and made her put those items in her purse. Later when we got into the car, she started screaming that "she could not find her credit card and that she must have dropped it in the hallway and surely someone will take it and go shopping!" A few minutes later she found it in the bottom of her purse! She constantly loses her CC or leaves it on the counter at the grocery store.
I'm so sorry you went through your ordeal. I do hope your accuser received a good cursing out or a nasty letter.
Clearly, the lady has access to your mom's credit cards but does she use them for legit purchases (think grocery order online for pick up)? There's a possibility this was not done with intent. When someone turns on 1-click purchasing, there is room for error.
I'd say she deserves the benefit of the doubt.
She will probably say that your mom told her to get a little something for herself. Or to order it for your mom. I dont buy that. An honest person would say wait till I run it by your daughter before purchasing anything on a card that doesnt belong to me. I would bc I wouldnt want to be brought up on theft charges. Or what if your mom forgot about telling her to get something for herself on the card. Common sense says do it BEFORE the purchase. I would assume automatically it wouldnt be ok. I'd pick up the phone and tell you. Never just do it. Or if it was a gift for you, say your mom wants me to get you a gift on that card. And the price. Is that ok? That is her job and livelihood. You dont mess with that for something that can be misunderstood. You want things above board always. Or you wont have a job. Why didnt she do that? She talks to you and your in the loop.
When you have people in your mom's house, you strip it down to the bare minimum. I've seen where they even take the good pots and pans, and leave crappy ones so they wont be stolen. Nothing of value to take. Even the furniture was old and too big to take. Stripped down to minimum. But the elderly person was still comfortable. You must do that. Not say the tchotchkes can be sacrificed. That person would take those, and move onto other things bc they got away with it.
Id say do you have anything to tell me? Then be quiet. Let her talk her way out. Proceed from there. Even if your mom said buy yourself something, I would let you know and or the agency. That's common sense. Then all 3 can decide if that's appropriate. I wouldnt just do it. Never! To easy for a misunderstanding.
She can get fired for that at her agency, and brought up on charges for theft/stealing. She probably got the item or Amazon would have said they stopped it. It was probably in the mail. She can give it back to you so you can return it. Or decide why it was bought. You can say you will give her 1 more chance. I don't know, if it were me a thief is not trustworthy. You dont know what else she has done. I would always wonder. I'd get another person who is honest. If she did that to your mom, she would do it to anyone else's mom/loved one. Even if your mom said get yourself something, I wouldnt just do it. It tell you first so your not in the predicament you both are now in. The item wouldnt be worth it. That's her livelihood she is messing with. Weird part is she knows you see the bill. So still why do that? Seems odd. She could easily texted you a heads up.
My first thought would be - seeing as she's not stupid, she knows the routine, and she knows this is going to be spotted immediately - that she put the card on an Amazon account to buy something on your mother's behalf.
For heaven's sake, stop pussyfooting around behind her back and *ask* her about it. "Sue, I was just checking through mother's November account and saw this transaction on the [date] - what happened there please?" It's not even a rude question!
If it turns out that she is buying a little gift from your mother to herself, though, that is a problem. She mustn't do that. It must be returned.
The speeding fine was incurred while she was at work on your mother's business. I'd grumble about it and ask her to be more careful but I think you were right to pay it.
It sounds like this person is getting a little too comfortable.
I would report the caregiver to the agency.
Before you do go through the house looking for little things that you may not think you are currently missing. Or your mothers things.
The agency should be aware of the speeding ticket as well and there is no way that you should have paid it and I hope it did not go on your record.
You may not be worried about a tchotchke but what if the "tchotchke" happens to be an antique Tiffany broach...The few groceries that she puts in the cart with your moms happens to be the Prime Rib roast for her Christmas dinner. Theft is theft it does not matter what it is it is still theft. The law may put a name to it depending on value up to Felony but it is still taking advantage of an elderly person and it should be reported. (I guess I am still angry at the person that stole from me, violated my trust, my home and while they were searching my home leaving my Husband alone and possibly putting him in danger)
It'd deeply sad situation.
One must inventory and photograph everything in the house (even our old iron was taken -- for what reason????) And then ask the offending caregiver what's up.
Valuable items must be professionally evaluated for their estimated value.
Preferably removed from the home. Even if the elder doesn't want that, then you have to do it anyway.
Since the charge is so small, I'd ask your caregiver what it was for. Maybe your mom told her to buy something and she did it using her own account. Give her a chance to explain. But if her explanation is "the devil made me do it" as it was in my case, sadly, it'll be time to find a new caregiver.
It ended up being an employee of a restaurant that he frequently visited for lunch. Was easy to track it because the fool had items shipped to his home address. The employee got fired and the charges were removed from his card.
If you think this might be the tip of a slightly bigger iceberg, leave some coins out in view and see if they disappear. If this was a ‘one-off’, perhaps you let it pass, or perhaps you ask her if there was any reason why she used the card. Perhaps she can’t access Amazon and worked extra hours to make up the cost. Still not the right thing to do, but not evil enough to end a relationship that works so well for you and your mother.
What a difficult situation.
Is it possible that your mother told her to use the card to buy the item, as a gift?
If so, it's a lapse in good judgement on the part of the caregiver, but not necessarily grift.
If that's not the case, it is my opinion that you should replace her before it snowballs.
My dad's caregiver stole his supplements out of the bottle, which was discovered after he went off care and she was gone. Not a big deal, but then what might've been taken next?
Good luck,
R27
Still sounds fishy to me.
This is how it all can work, earning your trust over time. I'm sorry, so sorry that the world sees caregiving as a low wage position. I work in an agency and I keep saying those who do (only) housekeeping are underpaid and it is hard to compete...we offer some benefits...but the hourly wage pales in comparison to some retail etc. And of course if the lower wage staff gets an increase so should the rest of us imo.
Anyhow, she has grossly violated things and I am totally appalled that she dared to enter your or your mother's credit card info on her own Amazon account. That is FRAUD. She could be reported to the police for stealing and taken to court. I don't care if it was a $3 transaction. She may be testing to see if you would notice. IT IS NOT OKAY. It is even worse with you being at a distance. What will she forge next? Checks? Stealing totchkes? It doesn't matter. This is not a person you want in your home. You need to inform her agency and she needs to be terminated to go to the next unsuspecting soul. And by not reporting it, you will allow this or worse to potentially happen to others.
I'm so sorry, because I can see how dependent you are on her and getting rid of her will turn everything upside down and there will be a new person to get used to for both your mom and you. It's also btw not okay for her to get some groceries for herself. Of course if you did the ordering and had things delivered, she could still steal the groceries outright from the house.
And then we have the speeding...which isn't much over the limit I realize...but what is she doing when not in the complex? And you're entrusting her to take care of your mom...
I am reminded of the Chinese symbol for crisis I think it is ...it is part danger and part opportunity...wishing you and your mom all the best....
I think people become too friendly with others in a professional relationship. Clients will approach whomever the agency sends out. Most people don’t bother with communication through the agency.
I wasn’t told that I couldn’t speak to the clients. The agency I worked for did not tell the client not to have conversations with the temporary workers. It depends on how the contract is written.
I was told that they had to pay a fee to the agency if they decided to ask me to work for their company and I accepted their offer.
I worked for some companies for a very long time. They call the assignment, ‘indefinitely.’
Basically you work for them until they no longer need you. It isn’t like other assignments such as filling in for someone that left for a vacation.
I had quite a few companies come directly to me to ask if they could hire me. Let me say, some people are ethical and rule followers and others are not.
Some companies told me that they wanted to hire me for the position that I already doing and some companies offered me different positions with more pay because an employee had to leave due to complications with a pregnancy. All kinds of things happen.
Some people come out and say, “We like you. We want to hire you full time. We don’t want to pay the fee.” I quickly notified them that I had to have stopped employment with the agency for six months if I were to accept the job without them paying a fee.
Some people will say, “We know there is a fee and we are happy to pay it.” Some employees moonlight for clients. They are risking getting fired.
My response was always the same when approached, “I am flattered that you would like to hire me. I have enjoyed working for a temporary agency. I have been fortunate to stay busy without being tied down permanently. I cannot accept a full time position at this time.”
I explained that I was working for a temporary agency because I had to have time off for doctor appointments.” They were fine with me scheduling doctor appointments.
I never accepted permanent offers. I wasn’t interested in doing so. All kinds of situations occur with agencies. Sometimes people would send me on errands and I would use my car and my gas. Other times the person would insist I use their car.
Some clients would include me in lunch outings and pay for my lunch. Some included me for holiday gatherings at reception halls. I was surprised at some of the things.
I think the agency would really like to know if their employees are stealing. If I owned an agency I would want to know so I could address it.
I do appreciate that you have developed a relationship with her. I do appreciate that she has gone above and beyond but, you’ve hit a snag and somehow it must be dealt with.
My concern is has she done this before. Will she continue to do it? If she would continue to steal then you would be better off starting off fresh with a new caregiver. The agency can send out a replacement.
I would also read my contract with the agency and see what you agreed to do in situations like this. That is really how it needs to be handled, their administrative and employee responsibilities are why you use an agency. God forbid that something bigger happens and you haven't said anything about this situation, it makes it very difficult for the company that you have employed to provide caregivers.
We have a 3 strike rule for stupid mistakes, 1st is a verbal warning, 2nd is a written warning, 3rd is your final paycheck. You don't know what the company policy is with the agency, she may not get fired, but you can always ask and request a meeting with her, her supervisor and yourself, it doesn't have to be confrontational. But you really need to abide by the contract that was signed when you hired the agency.
There's a possibility that you're not her only victim, but it's also a possibility that your mother may have given permission. Have you and your mother discussed this, if it's possible, given Mom's mental state/dementia?
Or was the item purchased at Amazon something that could possibly be a present or something your mother might want, or have asked your caregiver to buy for her?
There's also a possibility that her own circumstances have changed and she no longer has a viable credit card. In that case, I would definitely ask more questions to find out what's going on.
You mentioned something else that wasn't an issue, but did raise concern with me. Since she's driving your mother's car, have you added her as an insured on the auto insurance? If not, I would contact your insurance agent quickly, as if there were an accident and she's not a named insured, you or she could be facing some big bucks, if not legal issues.
You can approach the charge card issue gently, praising her for her work and emphasizing that you've been so pleases, but are now perplexed by the credit card incident. Give her a chance to at least defend herself. She's entitled to that.
In the meantime, have you contacted the agency and asked if these kinds of events have occurred with other families?
p.s. I think you are handling it very well, that is why you are here and getting everyone’s opinion, it is very hard to take care of our parents especially at a distance 👍😊
I did not read profile when I responded. If OP’s mom has dementia then I feel like you do. Trust is important, especially when her mother isn’t going to be aware of everything. How do you know if she hasn’t stolen other things? She may continue to steal.
I’m curious about why you are so loyal to her. Other employees are trained to do the same job. She can be replaced.
You could be sly and just let her know that you received an alert that your mom's card was compromised and see what she says -
this will likely tell you what you need to know without any confrontation and then you can decide whether to let her agency know and to replace her -
more importantly, it may be time to adjust how you handle your mom's finances - with dementia there comes a time to take away the check book and cards
Can you ask your mom if she told her that she was allowed to use her card? Does she use your mom’s card to play for things for your mom on a regular basis?
Do you know what the purchase was? Do you absolutely know it’s not something for your mom?
If she did not have permission then why would you trust her? She may keep stealing. You are generous with her. She should value having you as a client.
I walked in on someone who stole from me. I was disappointed too. It was her first day and last day in my home. My response to her was if she had asked for help I would have helped her but now I couldn’t trust her. I asked her not to return.
You have a different situation because she had been there for years. Do you know if she has stolen anything else?
Don’t be embarrassed to speak to her. You want an answer or explanation. Nothing to be embarrassed about. I understand that you like her but it’s a matter of trust.
It’s up to you to decide if you want to tell the agency. She could lose her job if you tell. I am sure the agency would want to know.
2) you say she knows you monitor your cc acct like a hawk. She would have made a point of ASKING to use the cc number prior to making a purchase for your mom.
3) she may have been testing you to see just how closely you monitor the cc acct. before she went on to purchase more with it.
My cousin was PoA for a relative who had a very beloved caregiver who cleaned him out without blinking an eye. Please inform the agency what she did and then do not feel "bad" about it.
And who, in this day and time, does not have a CC of their own except someone who has had money issues or bad credit?!!!
Why the HECK was she not using her own CC for the purchase?
LW needs to find out what the purchased item was. If it was a box of Depends or something like that, then it could be legitimately thought to be a purchase for LW's mother. There needs to be some communication. LW needs to know WHAT the purchased item was.