Just discovered that trusted caregiver took advantage financially in a small way. Struggling with what to do.
My mother's caregiver, who I have relied on and trusted for over three years and counting (employed by an agency), really did dumb yesterday. She used my mother's credit card to make a relatively small purchase on her own personal amazon account. I discovered this immediately because of all of the alerts I have on my mother's credit card (this was a "card not present" transaction).
I followed up with Amazon, and they were able to confirm who the purchaser was. I very grudgingly offered the caregiver's name, hoping that it wasn't her. The customer service person said yes, it is this person. I was so deeply disappointed and felt very much betrayed and taken advantage of. As someone who I've put a lot of trust in, and have had tremendous faith in her judgement and reliability over the years--and what could well be years to come -- even though the amount was pretty trivial ($28 and change for goodness sakes), I'm struggling.
Amazon removed the credit card info from her account, and she won't be able to use the card for any further purchases. I also disputed the amount with the credit card company, so all of that is good to go.
The thing is, I don't want to get rid of her, and I feel really conflicted about that. She has been the best caregiver in the past 5 plus years -- all of the others have been flakey and unable to use good judgement (I live 3 plus hours away, work full time, and need someone who can take responsibility and initiative when necessary). This person was someone who would demonstrate good common sense, keep in good touch with me, run interference in any number of difficult situations. When my mother fell last March, she handled the paramedics, the ER, and the cleanup at the house. I was very appreciative and gave her a monetary "thank you" since I know her agency wouldn't pay her more than her hourly rate. Now that it's holiday season, I was (maybe still am???) ready to write her a check for her annual Christmas bonus, which I'm pretty certain other clients don't do.
Sigh...a few months ago, she was driving my mother through her retirement community, and she got a speeding ticket (I was notified since my mother's a resident). The community "police" are hypervigilent and my reaction was to think "hey, it happens" (she was going maybe 40 mph in a 35 zone), and I paid for the ticket so she wouldn't be out the $50. I just thought "don't let it happen again" and moved on.
I'm just so deeply disappointed, and wonder if I'm being a total chump. Searching online, I've found posts that use the terms "elder abuse" and I wonder if I should immediately terminate her, and then embark on the horrendous task of finding another replacement. The agency would of course send someone else, or more than one person if necessary, but the upheaval to my mother (and me, honestly) is just overwhelming to think about.
And I don't know if, or how, I should approach this with her! Amazon couldn't tell me if the caregiver would receive her order or not, but she will be able to see plain as day that the credit card info is permanently gone from her account, so she'll know what's up in that way. I wonder if maybe it would be beneficial to just let her twist in the wind--not say a thing to her, but she'll know she's on notice.
It was such a stupid thing to do. She knows I watch my mother's accounts like a hawk, or she should know. Would it be awful, or stupid of me, if I continued to keep her as my mother's caregiver? I know that it's the nature of the situation (my being long distance, my mother having dementia, caregivers earning a crappy wage for difficult work) that things may go missing, they might take advantage in small ways if they can get away with it, and I've made my peace with that. If she throws a few groceries for herself into the cart when she takes my mother shopping, I'm not going to sweat it. If a tchotchke or two or three disappear, so be it -- that's the way it goes, is my attitude.
But this...???
I would pick up the phone and tell her you got a fraudulent use of card alert and canceled the transaction. Let her know amazon has told you whose account the transaction was made under. Then ask for an explanation.
It may be time for Mum to lose the credit card.
Let's gather all the facts before blaming a caregiver that you have had for 3 years, and whom you and your Mother likes
Usually if a person is likely to "steal" something they would have started during the first year of their employment, not 3 years later.
part of me totally agrees with you, and part is just not there yet. But I do NOT want to give the impression that I’m a doormat, or oblivious.
Thank you for responding :)
I know how hard it is to find good caregivers and am aghast at what agencies take out of their pay. It’s hard to find a good caregiver who will work for $13 to $15 an hour. We went through 5 caregivers in a year until we found our gem.
Good luck
if it were something my mother needed, she could/would have just told me. Either I would have ordered it myself using my mother’s credit card, or they would go purchase it directly and use her credit card then. The fact that she ordered something on her own amazon account (not my mother’s, which has had no activity in years), to be delivered to her own home address, is 100% sketchy.
I appreciate your understanding how difficult it is to decide to let go a caregiver that, up to now, has been really really good.
Speeding ticket happens to everyone. I would not make an issue of it unless it happens again.
You have a reliable caregiver that are very hard to find. Talk to her and ask why, give her the benefit of the doubt. Then secure mom's Amazon account. Is it used to purchase items for mom, by the caregiver? I can easily see that this was a mistake.
My mother doesn’t use her computer at all (thank God). And this wasn’t her Amazon account, it was the caregiver’s :(.
Yeah, I felt the same way about the ticket. Thanks for validating me - I wonder if I’m a total pushover and that’s why this is happening, but it helps to know that I’m probably keeping this in perspective.
I’m having a hard time believing that this was not deliberate. But I am willing to consider that, having her payment methods on her Amazon account obviously “adjusted” to remove my mother’s credit card within 24 hours of her purchase, she may have some remorse and maybe a little healthy anxiety about being caught. I’d like that to be good enough for me. I just don’t want to give someone another chance and have it bite me in the ass, but if this is what I’m gonna do, then I have to take that chance.
it sounds like you handled the missing money really well. I’ll try to use the same kind of approach.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME.
Be human about it. Pick up the phone and call her and say something like "Best caregiver ever, I'm hoping this has a simple explanation but I got a notification from my mother's credit card that you used it on Amazon." And then be quiet and listen to what she says.
Whatever explanation she offers, just accept it. There's no point in interrogating her. You want her to know that you know. This situation reminds me of a scene in the movie "Annie Hall":
ALVY'S FATHER
You fired the cleaning woman?
ALVY'S MOTHER
She was stealing.
ALVY'S FATHER
But she's colored.
ALVY'S MOTHER
SO?
ALVY'S FATHER
So the colored have enough trouble.
ALVY'S MOTHER
She was going through my pocketbook!
ALVY'S FATHER
They're persecuted enough!
ALVY'S MOTHER
Who's persecuting? She stole!
ALVY'S FATHER
All right-so we can afford it.
ALVY'S MOTHER
How can we afford it? On your pay?
What if she steals more?
ALVY'S FATHER
She's a colored woman, from Harlem!
She has no money! She's got a right
to steal from us! After all, who is
she gonna steal from if not us?
anyway, I am feeling cowardly about actually talking to her about it.
if my mother wanted to buy a gift, again, caregiver would have said something to me. Anyway, you are right about me needing to put on my big girl pants and say something
2) you say she knows you monitor your cc acct like a hawk. She would have made a point of ASKING to use the cc number prior to making a purchase for your mom.
3) she may have been testing you to see just how closely you monitor the cc acct. before she went on to purchase more with it.
My cousin was PoA for a relative who had a very beloved caregiver who cleaned him out without blinking an eye. Please inform the agency what she did and then do not feel "bad" about it.
And who, in this day and time, does not have a CC of their own except someone who has had money issues or bad credit?!!!
Why the HECK was she not using her own CC for the purchase?
LW needs to find out what the purchased item was. If it was a box of Depends or something like that, then it could be legitimately thought to be a purchase for LW's mother. There needs to be some communication. LW needs to know WHAT the purchased item was.
Can you ask your mom if she told her that she was allowed to use her card? Does she use your mom’s card to play for things for your mom on a regular basis?
Do you know what the purchase was? Do you absolutely know it’s not something for your mom?
If she did not have permission then why would you trust her? She may keep stealing. You are generous with her. She should value having you as a client.
I walked in on someone who stole from me. I was disappointed too. It was her first day and last day in my home. My response to her was if she had asked for help I would have helped her but now I couldn’t trust her. I asked her not to return.
You have a different situation because she had been there for years. Do you know if she has stolen anything else?
Don’t be embarrassed to speak to her. You want an answer or explanation. Nothing to be embarrassed about. I understand that you like her but it’s a matter of trust.
It’s up to you to decide if you want to tell the agency. She could lose her job if you tell. I am sure the agency would want to know.
You could be sly and just let her know that you received an alert that your mom's card was compromised and see what she says -
this will likely tell you what you need to know without any confrontation and then you can decide whether to let her agency know and to replace her -
more importantly, it may be time to adjust how you handle your mom's finances - with dementia there comes a time to take away the check book and cards
I did not read profile when I responded. If OP’s mom has dementia then I feel like you do. Trust is important, especially when her mother isn’t going to be aware of everything. How do you know if she hasn’t stolen other things? She may continue to steal.
I’m curious about why you are so loyal to her. Other employees are trained to do the same job. She can be replaced.
p.s. I think you are handling it very well, that is why you are here and getting everyone’s opinion, it is very hard to take care of our parents especially at a distance 👍😊
There's a possibility that you're not her only victim, but it's also a possibility that your mother may have given permission. Have you and your mother discussed this, if it's possible, given Mom's mental state/dementia?
Or was the item purchased at Amazon something that could possibly be a present or something your mother might want, or have asked your caregiver to buy for her?
There's also a possibility that her own circumstances have changed and she no longer has a viable credit card. In that case, I would definitely ask more questions to find out what's going on.
You mentioned something else that wasn't an issue, but did raise concern with me. Since she's driving your mother's car, have you added her as an insured on the auto insurance? If not, I would contact your insurance agent quickly, as if there were an accident and she's not a named insured, you or she could be facing some big bucks, if not legal issues.
You can approach the charge card issue gently, praising her for her work and emphasizing that you've been so pleases, but are now perplexed by the credit card incident. Give her a chance to at least defend herself. She's entitled to that.
In the meantime, have you contacted the agency and asked if these kinds of events have occurred with other families?
I would also read my contract with the agency and see what you agreed to do in situations like this. That is really how it needs to be handled, their administrative and employee responsibilities are why you use an agency. God forbid that something bigger happens and you haven't said anything about this situation, it makes it very difficult for the company that you have employed to provide caregivers.
We have a 3 strike rule for stupid mistakes, 1st is a verbal warning, 2nd is a written warning, 3rd is your final paycheck. You don't know what the company policy is with the agency, she may not get fired, but you can always ask and request a meeting with her, her supervisor and yourself, it doesn't have to be confrontational. But you really need to abide by the contract that was signed when you hired the agency.
My concern is has she done this before. Will she continue to do it? If she would continue to steal then you would be better off starting off fresh with a new caregiver. The agency can send out a replacement.
I think people become too friendly with others in a professional relationship. Clients will approach whomever the agency sends out. Most people don’t bother with communication through the agency.
I wasn’t told that I couldn’t speak to the clients. The agency I worked for did not tell the client not to have conversations with the temporary workers. It depends on how the contract is written.
I was told that they had to pay a fee to the agency if they decided to ask me to work for their company and I accepted their offer.
I worked for some companies for a very long time. They call the assignment, ‘indefinitely.’
Basically you work for them until they no longer need you. It isn’t like other assignments such as filling in for someone that left for a vacation.
I had quite a few companies come directly to me to ask if they could hire me. Let me say, some people are ethical and rule followers and others are not.
Some companies told me that they wanted to hire me for the position that I already doing and some companies offered me different positions with more pay because an employee had to leave due to complications with a pregnancy. All kinds of things happen.
Some people come out and say, “We like you. We want to hire you full time. We don’t want to pay the fee.” I quickly notified them that I had to have stopped employment with the agency for six months if I were to accept the job without them paying a fee.
Some people will say, “We know there is a fee and we are happy to pay it.” Some employees moonlight for clients. They are risking getting fired.
My response was always the same when approached, “I am flattered that you would like to hire me. I have enjoyed working for a temporary agency. I have been fortunate to stay busy without being tied down permanently. I cannot accept a full time position at this time.”
I explained that I was working for a temporary agency because I had to have time off for doctor appointments.” They were fine with me scheduling doctor appointments.
I never accepted permanent offers. I wasn’t interested in doing so. All kinds of situations occur with agencies. Sometimes people would send me on errands and I would use my car and my gas. Other times the person would insist I use their car.
Some clients would include me in lunch outings and pay for my lunch. Some included me for holiday gatherings at reception halls. I was surprised at some of the things.
I think the agency would really like to know if their employees are stealing. If I owned an agency I would want to know so I could address it.
I do appreciate that you have developed a relationship with her. I do appreciate that she has gone above and beyond but, you’ve hit a snag and somehow it must be dealt with.
This is how it all can work, earning your trust over time. I'm sorry, so sorry that the world sees caregiving as a low wage position. I work in an agency and I keep saying those who do (only) housekeeping are underpaid and it is hard to compete...we offer some benefits...but the hourly wage pales in comparison to some retail etc. And of course if the lower wage staff gets an increase so should the rest of us imo.
Anyhow, she has grossly violated things and I am totally appalled that she dared to enter your or your mother's credit card info on her own Amazon account. That is FRAUD. She could be reported to the police for stealing and taken to court. I don't care if it was a $3 transaction. She may be testing to see if you would notice. IT IS NOT OKAY. It is even worse with you being at a distance. What will she forge next? Checks? Stealing totchkes? It doesn't matter. This is not a person you want in your home. You need to inform her agency and she needs to be terminated to go to the next unsuspecting soul. And by not reporting it, you will allow this or worse to potentially happen to others.
I'm so sorry, because I can see how dependent you are on her and getting rid of her will turn everything upside down and there will be a new person to get used to for both your mom and you. It's also btw not okay for her to get some groceries for herself. Of course if you did the ordering and had things delivered, she could still steal the groceries outright from the house.
And then we have the speeding...which isn't much over the limit I realize...but what is she doing when not in the complex? And you're entrusting her to take care of your mom...
I am reminded of the Chinese symbol for crisis I think it is ...it is part danger and part opportunity...wishing you and your mom all the best....
What a difficult situation.
Is it possible that your mother told her to use the card to buy the item, as a gift?
If so, it's a lapse in good judgement on the part of the caregiver, but not necessarily grift.
If that's not the case, it is my opinion that you should replace her before it snowballs.
My dad's caregiver stole his supplements out of the bottle, which was discovered after he went off care and she was gone. Not a big deal, but then what might've been taken next?
Good luck,
R27
Still sounds fishy to me.
If you think this might be the tip of a slightly bigger iceberg, leave some coins out in view and see if they disappear. If this was a ‘one-off’, perhaps you let it pass, or perhaps you ask her if there was any reason why she used the card. Perhaps she can’t access Amazon and worked extra hours to make up the cost. Still not the right thing to do, but not evil enough to end a relationship that works so well for you and your mother.
It ended up being an employee of a restaurant that he frequently visited for lunch. Was easy to track it because the fool had items shipped to his home address. The employee got fired and the charges were removed from his card.