DH (87) has dementia. Quite severe. Also Parkinsonism and in a wheelchair. I'm very lucky in that I have round-the-clock caregivers who do everything for him. But today he woke with a fever and cough. I acted like a grown-up, called the doctor's office, nurse practitioner saw him right away, ordered cough med, antibiotic, gave us the usual advice you give somebody with an upper respiratory infection. We brought him home, put him in bed, I went and picked up the Rx at the pharmacy, came home, and...I'm just EXHAUSTED--emotionally! I go to a dementia caregivers support group where everyone else is much earlier in the process and they have very difficult problems--financial, legal, family opposition, health problems of their own, angry behavior from their loved ones--in comparison our life is smooth. I'm usually pretty cool, calm and collected. I have so many advantages... Hubby is happy, funny, playful, affectionate, generally healthy. But right now he's sick and I feel so helpless! I feel as if I stopped breathing this morning when the caregiver told me he had a fever, and I haven't yet taken a breath and it's 7 p.m. Just because I have help doesn't mean that this whole trip isn't devastating. And that becomes obvious when he's sick like this.
Good for you for going to a support group! Sometimes just knowing we are not alone in this struggle makes a big difference. Best to you and your husband, I hope he is feeling better.
And as a footnote for those whose remarks that are less than helpful.....people reach out because they are looking for answers, insights, and advise for oftentimes overwhelming situations. I believe this forum is to be helpful to those sharing their experience.....and not to pass judgement with snide remarks. My humble opinion.
Self preservation is paramount to not only our own well being, but to how well we care for others.
Also, upsets me to see the judgemental comments. Not everyone's experience is the same; it doesn't mean they aren't just as in need of empathy and kindness!
My emotional well being was on a rollercoaster sitting next to my mom’s vitals.
Take a deep breath and a break. You’ll feel better ready to face challenges when you return.
Sometimes I found it worse to have people barreling in and out of my home and witnessing the worst time of life, and preferred just doing things myself, though that exhausted me physically too. I found the time when mom was sleeping to grab a moment on the computer and connect with other wonderful care givers here.
I really think the mental pain is there no matter how much or little help one gets.
Yes circumstances are different for everyone; but just as in grieving, no one's loss is worse or easier than the other's.
Certainly having a caregiver, or BEING the caregiver puts an entirely different equation on the table, but our emotions...our capacities for dealing with the stress of a sick loved one, aren't dictated by the amount of work we do.
My mother would get an occasional cold or bronchitis while in residential care, and no matter how old she was at the time it would be excruciating for me until she was well again.
The whole process of living with the care of a loved one imbues one with the unceasing weight of constant responsibility, constant cortisol/adrenaline, constantly painful concern. Being there for your DH, WHETHER HANDS ON OR NOT, drains your reserves and lessens your attention to your own needs.
My life has changed, for the better, since I’ve reconnected with my youthful passion for music and begun to play the tuba.
May you find a glimpse of “tuba” in your life today!
(((hugs)))
Well, of course you're emotionally exhausted! Your DH depends on you for so much, and you love him. And now he's ill!
In this life there are some of that just roll with it. They take things in stride. I'm not one of them, and you may not be either. Any change, good or bad, takes the stuffing out of me. I get rattled at just about everything and it exhausts me.
A homeopath once told me that cortisol produced by stress depletes us of adrenaline, leaving us exhausted. I suspect physical exercise would help this. You may want to ask your doctor about adrenal support. I probably should, too!
each persons problem/challenge in life is their own. It’s happening just to them. Please don’t compare your situation with another’s. That’s a one way guilt trip Yes, there are plenty of others doing it really tough with little help but that’s them. You are compassionate but don’t apologise or feel bad
we are keeping all the balls in the air and sometimes we drop them
I used to run a plumbing business with my husband and then I had to get a job scrubbing toilets in a factory three nights a week to get the bills paid. Did it for 12 months
emotional exhaustion. For sure. I went a little bit nuts for a while.
You will be OK.
Thanks for bringing this to everyone’s attention. I appreciate it. Helps me to clearly see how there can always be more than one point of view.
I get sick of debating or bickering. Allow everyone to have their own view. Sure we can all state why we have our view but then understand others are entitled to their opinion no matter what it is. It can be dumb, stupid, ignorant, whatever...it’s their right to feel as they do. Unless it is a danger to others, so be it.
Good for you, Panda. When I was younger I did what you did, worked very hard, worked two jobs when I had to. Know what? It made us stronger. We didn’t break. It didn’t kill us. I was dead tired. My friends complained that they didn’t get to hang out with me because I worked all the time. I simply said that I had bills to pay.
I am emotionally exhausted and have been for longer than I can remember. At a time in my life when I should be relaxing and enjoying my grandsons, I’m working to help pay bills so we can keep our house, taking care of hubby and just generally running 100% of the show. I completely understand what you’re saying. All I can say is enjoy the small things. Take pleasure in sunny days, fresh laundry, a nice glass of wine, anything you can find to warm your heart. With me, it’s my grandkids and my dog. Hope your hubby feels better fast!