Mom is 70 and has Lewy Body Dementia. Her dementia is mostly visible in that she is no longer ambulatory (wheelchair bound). Her mind is "mostly" intact. I am only 49 and have been her caregiver for 3 years. My family on mom's side (including her and myself) has a history of mental and emotional illness (anxiety, depression, hallucinations). Unfortunately, I have been changed to a few different anti-depressants over the last 3 years that have not helped the situation. I'm finally starting to mellow out but mom keeps telling me that I'm mean to her and then 30 seconds later be mad at me saying she didn't say that or I'm taking it out of context.
The stress level and increase in blood pressure has caused my doctor to now also prescribe me anxiety meds to take as needed. I'm young and only been doing this for 3 years but besides my husband, I have no family to help. I haven't had a vacation in years and my mom has a buzzer for when she needs something that has been rung during attempted periods of intimacy with my husband. I feel like I'm already at the breaking point. :( How do people do this for years? Is it possible that I'm emotionally defunct to the point of not being able to be a caregiver or is that just a cop-out?
I pray for patience and humility. I don't know what else to do. Respite care is out of reach at $275-$350 a day (or $150/day if she stays for 2 week minimum). Thoughts? Thanks in advance.
People who do this for years learn ways to cope. Taking time for yourself is essential to your well being. I hope others will give you better advice. You are beginning to show the signs of burn out. Not good. Take care of yourself. People do care. 💙
(And I'm one of the ones who could never have my mother move in. I can't stand being around her for just about any length of time (I'm her Dummy Daughter Driver). I could never put in three years!)
Try a carer that is not with an agency. For heaven sake take the buzzer away. Maybe not all day, but at certain times.... O_o
Believe it or not lots of people live without a buzzer and they are just fine. People in nursing homes have buzzers and they forget they are there. They manage just fine. You just turned yourself into a personal attendant. If she is in a wheelchair she isn't going anywhere.
Perhaps you can get a carer as a sitter and take a few hours with your husband. Try college kids who are looking at health care careers. You can be a good reference. They will have the patience to stay with her a few hours while you go out. It will give her an outlet too. She might look foward to seeing them, and you get a break.
You were joined by an umbilical cord once. You cant stick it back in. Its long gone and your an adult now Lol. You need your own time and stick to your guns!
Set mom up in her room or in tv room and have alone time with your husband. Could be for a snuggle and watching tv.
Put mom to bed early with her tv and plan an at home date nite. A good meal and a movie. How about a 2$ redbox movie? Play a game like dominos. You don't have to spend $ to have fun.
Try listening to books on tape while you wash clothes, clean the house. How about a great Frank Sinatra song- "if I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere" and sing at the top of your lungs whilst dusting?
Take a 15 min walk to distress. Play a computer solitude game.
You have to start making time for you. Only you can do that. You don't need permission.
If mom has a fit guess what? Too bad. You can always say I need time off. I wouldn't elaborate about date night or it will become about her one way or another.
You can always say thurs we will watch/do something you want. Friday is my family time.
It's really about setting limits and boundaries. Try small boundaries first, then work up to bigger ones if you have trouble. Good luck~
Please no guilt-my Dad is 91, you could have 20+ years of this. And it will never get better.
Best of luck to you. We finally got our Dad placed-by forcing him in legal ways. Now we can breathe again!
You deserve that for you and your spouse.
When you talk to her about it, make it clear that you love her and aren't abandoning her, and that you will still visit, but that you can't do it all by yourself any longer, and want to look at places with her to find her a nice one that she likes.
Start your research, do some tours and commit to the one that’s the best fit.
It’s a blessing that your mother has adequate money. As for Mom’s attitude and vile words, she talks to you like you’re dirt no matter where she is. So make the choice that gives you your life back.
If you keep the status quo, you won’t just be mentally and physically wrecked. You’ll be divorced, too.
It sounds like you have ample amounts of patience and humanity.
I might explore other care options. If funds are an issue, consult with a professional about what she may qualify for and how. Once your own health is affected, it's difficult to get it restored. I learned that the hard way.
I do think that some people are very sensitive and perhaps too hyper- vigilant regarding a LO's demands. And that you can be run ragged trying to please someone who is not able to understand their condition. Sometimes, you can't please people. And, when that frustration affects your own peace of mind, it may be that other help is needed.
It is no shame or tragedy to admit you aren’t cut out to do it. If you are a religious person, know that God and St. Peter will not judge you harshly because you put Mom in a facility.
You need to get well and stay well. You’re way too young to spend the rest of your life like this.
Mom needs to be somewhere permanently. She can go away for days or weeks at great financial hardship to you, but as soon as she comes home, you’re right back in it again.
Tomorrow, call your local Medicaid office and ask to apply. You might even be able to apply online. Or, if you feel she’d be approved, find a facility and she can be “Medicaid pending”. Then start a spend down if you need to. Or, consult with an Elder Law Attorney which will be easier.
This is a situation that will not get better. Dementia only gets worse. You have no chance to get you’re feet on the ground, or apparently anything else, as long as you’re waiting for that buzzer to ring.