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He was recently placed in a care home during this whole Covid pandemic after a fall and a stint in the hospital. He had a cell phone with him that we could call him on so although it was difficult not being able to see him, we could still talk to him. The care home have misplaced 2 of his phone chargers now that we've brought in and so I've started to call the care home instead to speak to him. They do have a phone booth specifically for calls with the residents or sometimes a portable phone.


I've just been told by a nurse today I can't call him every day and that most families don't do this. He has dementia and also doesn't speak much English (hardly at all) and so doesn't really communicate with the staff or the residents. They already confirmed they don't have staff there that speak his language.


I understand it's not the staff's job to bring him the phone or wheel him to the booth every time but I got a bit upset as I feel if we don't call him, he won't have anyone to speak to all day and with his dementia, I don't think it will help. He already doesn't understand this pandemic and the fact we can't see him at all. I also can relay information to the nurses like the one time he said he was in pain and felt a bit unwell. He can't tell the nurses this.


Am I overreacting? I just don't know if I should limit my calls now as I've annoyed them but then I don't want to leave my grandpa alone. I'm sure it will be better once visits are allowed again but I feel it's difficult in the meantime as we are all a very close family. Any advice would be great. Thanks.


(Sorry for the lengthy post).

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You do exactly what your heart is telling you to do. It's soothing for the elderly to hear from their kids and grand kids...... It's too bad that other kids are not calling their parents in the nursing homes. They should be calling everyday. Just always keep in the back of your mind that the Home is under extreme pressure trying to keep our loved ones safe and healthy. Is there a way you could have them lock the cell phone charger in the hole (like a childproof one?).... I had one that we actually couldn't get out of the wall no matter how hard anyone tried...
If they don't want you to continue to call daily ~ ask them to help you come up with a plan and make it STAT... Doesn't take long to forget how to use the phone.

I'm actually happy to hear this coming from a grand-child. He'd be very proud of you.
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Some good suggestions have been made. Attaching the charger to a board may work, but they may not allow that. Landline in his room could be an option. Before we moved mom to MC, I bought a landline phone that had 4 programmable buttons that you could put pictures in - I only used our names as that was sufficient. It also had a very small portable hand held one, that could be used to call or take calls. It had a charger too. Charging pad, maybe, but it could "walk" too... She managed to lose it and another portable in her own place! We found them later.

I would talk to someone above the nurse/aide level and focus just on the language issue. People with dementia need that contact - it does help a little keeping them more in tune with reality. Since no one there can speak his language, he NEEDS the contact and it should be daily!

I think I would start with finding out what the best times to call would be. IF you start with being amenable and trying to work with them, it might be better than being accusatory. Obviously getting them all up in the morning or to bed at night, meal times and medication times would be the worst time to call. Most of those should be a set time, but medications can happen throughout the day. Still, there should be times that are better - maybe not every day, but most days.

As for the missing charger - I wouldn't hold my breath getting them to replace it. Items go "missing" all the time and they don't replace them. Dentures. Hearing aids. Clothing. Other personal items. A charger would just fall into the same abyss. Mom's hearing aid ended up going through the laundry (we were letting her "maintain" it, with me having to locate it sometimes and change the batteries - I requested they do that every 2 weeks, because she wouldn't remember, but it didn't happen.) The replacement was rechargeable, so I gave the charger to the nurse as mom would likely lose it (mom is in MC, not NH.) Plan was to charge it overnight and give it to her in the morning (she only wore one, so the other was a "spare".) Within a few weeks, maybe a month or so, it was lost - probably wrapped in tissue or napkin and tossed. From that point, they kept taking it away from her, as she kept taking it out. NO was the answer on helping pay the $400 replacement charge (the purchase included loss insurance, so much less to replace than buy new!)

Even with the hearing aid, I chose not to put a phone in her room. She would only use it to call for a ride home or to her mother's. I didn't want her sitting in her room all the time, so no phone, plus even with the hearing aid she had trouble hearing us. No window access. Lock down since 3/16. Hoping she still remembers me when I can finally visit! They are allowing short outdoor visits, with mask and distancing, which in her case will be difficult because of the hearing issue. Not sure what state you are in, but you could ask if they allow any outdoor visits.

If they can't work out a good time to call, perhaps you can work with them to bring the charger once every day or couple of days, and charge it while you wait or return to take the charger back. Usually phone charges are good for 1-3 days, so it probably wouldn't have to be every day. Another option is to have a nurse take charge of the charger and have his phone charged overnight in a safe place.

Will this be his home going forward or is this a rehab type of set up? If it is his permanent home, admin should be willing to work something out that works for everyone. They *SHOULD* be understanding of this issue, since he can't communicate with anyone there! Also, just because other families don't call every day should NOT be a reason why you can't. Some don't have families. Some families don't care. YOU do and that should be something they appreciate!
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Always go straight to the top. Kindly explain your situation. Call back often if this persists. Ask for suggestions on a solution - they have probably dealt with this before. I would be afraid staff is too busy to get your grandpa for your calls and resent him for it. The CEO or social worker should do something. You should also try to find a solution on the missing chargers - staff will always blame the resident. Only you can fix that.
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Speak to the care home MANAGER not the care staff (some care home staff think they run the care homes) explain the situation that the care home has lost two mobile chargers so you can't phone direct and that one of the staff has told you not to phone as often and this is upsetting you, they are busy but say you are willing to phone at a time that is convenient for the staff. What the manager says goes and if you can remember the person you spoke to tell the manager their name.
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The only reason I could see them asking you not to call so much would be (1) does he get upset after you are done speaking (2) what time are you calling?  I know when my dad was in a nursing facility we knew pretty much what time they ate breakfast, lunch and dinner.  and most times they are getting them ready about an hour before each meal so its possible that they just don't have time to get him to phone,etc while trying to get everyone else ready for meals.  What language does your father speak, its a shame they don't have an interpreter on hand.  I think most places have at least one dual speaking person but maybe not your fathers language.  I thought there was a "tech" gadget that could record what your father would be saying and translate it over into English for the staff, that might be a possibility.  But do what you feel is right, but maybe find out why they don't want you calling so much.
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Imho, you could speak to the head of the NH about the chargers that have gone missing. Prayers and good luck.
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Don't listen to the staff. Do what you know is right.
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You are not out of line. I was clear across the country from my Dad and once they moved him to the nursing home calling was the only contact myself and my stepsister had. Unfortunately we had a lot of trouble with his phone being hung up wrong so we couldn't get through. It was upsetting to finally hear it ring and ring and that was the day he became unresponsive. His oxygen level dropped and so did his blood pressure. My stepsister was allowed to be with him for some of his last hours but when she called me we both knew it was not good and he passed after she had gone home to feed her animals. I wish I had called the nurses station when I kept calling and he didn't answer but it may have been too late by then. The night nurse is the one who called my stepsister. I last saw him in September and talked to him the week before. Sigh.
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I don't think you are overreacting at all. I think it is nice of you to love him so much hat you call him for the various reasons you mentioned. It may not be the staff's job to bring him to the phone but if they lost his chargers I would think that they ought to make an effort to locate them.

Have you explained all the reasons why you wish to speak with him daily. I think these reasons should be added to his file and posted prominently for the staff to see so that no-one gives you a difficult time in the future. Perhaps you should address you complaint to a supervisor.

You sound very kind and loving. I hope my grandchildren care as much when it is my turn to be in a care home.
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Definitely talk with the nursing administrator or director there about the missing chargers. If you don't mind buying another one, get a colorful charger such as pink or purple (one that stands out) & with a permanent marker write his name on it in several places. Depending on how much longer he'll be there maybe the case manager or some special language organization can help him out with some type of tool that can help him communicate more efficiently. And call him everyday or more so that he won't feel all alone. Being in a facility in itself is lonely due to COVID restrictions, he needs to connect with someone he loves that can speak with him in his native language. Don't let them make you feel guilty for speaking with your loved one. Good luck & hopefully it won't be too long before he's out of there.
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How horrible! If these incompetent people lost either his phone or his chargers, they need to replace them so you can call him whenever you want. If they cannot apologize and firmly promise to do better, call your area agency on aging for help and advice about getting your loved one into a better facility pronto. Also, if others do not call their loved ones frequently even daily, then they should.
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No, you are not over reacting.

It is difficult for residents when they first go in to a seniors home, especially when they have little comprehension of English. Indeed, your calling can help the nurses if there is a problem with the staff because of language problems.

Yes it is challenging for the staff but that is their own fault for misplacing the recharger

You are to be commended for your loving concern. It is sadly lacking in todays society.

I have numerous years experience as a volunteer in seniors homes.
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You need to talk to an administrator about the situation. How do they 'misplace' his phone cords? I mean, you plug it in to the wall and there it should stay. Not to mention that even if the cord is misplaced, most cords these days are interchangeable - if they lost it, replace it.

If there is no one there who speaks his language, how do they ask him anything? How do they check pain levels, find out if he's hungry, etc? Those are questions you need to be asking the administrator. The answer to that will be very interesting. They may say they call an interpreter when they need to talk to him, but you can bet if they are too busy to get him to a phone booth, they aren't spending time with interpreters either. More than likely, they just don't talk with him. This place doesn't sound like it is a very good fit for him. People without language barriers are neglected in these facilities even when you can go in - most do not hire enough staff. Patients w/no visitors, in normal times, have no one to be their voice and often medicated/diapered because it makes the job easier. You are annoying to them because they would prefer that you not ask them to do what they should already be doing. Continue to annoy.

You let them know that you will be talking with him daily due to his language barrier and because of his dementia. In fact, you prefer to talk to him several times a day. Even a day of not talking with that disease can mean the difference that he knows you today and may not in two days. If you can't reach him by phone, due to missing cord again, you will notify someone to have him at the phone booth at a designated time to coordinate this call. It is up to them to figure out a way to keep the cord in his room even if it means making it part of the nightly round to plug in cord/phone and allow it to charge while he sleeps. Perhaps a note on his door and over his bed would remind any staff member who enters to do this nightly.

Go buy another phone cord - a very long one - that ensures it can go to wall and where ever he sits to use the phone. And put his name/room number on the cord in several places along the cord. Use tape/label to create some name tags.
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Maybe you can explain very nicely to them the reason you need to speak with him daily and thank them profusely for being cooperative (if they are). If they cannot communicate with him, it should be obvious he needs someone who can. And imo any caring facility would certainly understand the need for more phone calls during the pandemic. I visit my husband in AL every other day and FaceTime him on the days I don’t. He’s nonverbal and he needs this daily routine. I felt bad at first because the employees were having to use their own phones, but they’ve been very nice about it. This is a smaller, privately owned facility. Good luck to you.
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Bless you for being the caring grandchild. I can imagine your close relationship and how your contact with your grandfather helps. My grandmother was in an out of state nursing home and I didn't get to help, visit or talk to her much at all...but when I did see her, one thing I will never forget, is that she sure as heck could feel love. And when I told her I loved her, in spite of the dementia, she told me she loved me too...I cherish that moment. So do not ever ever feel you are overreacting or being a problem for a staff. It's too bad if that is how they perceive family members being cut off from their loved ones. They may try to claim it's an exceptional time due to COVID 19. Then I say ADAPT to it. It would no doubt be hard to bring Grandpa home; obviously he's there for his well-being, but I am very afraid that what has happened during this health crisis has destroyed much of the remaining mental health of the residents/patients, I wonder how many are dying of broken hearts because they miss family or don't understand why they are not coming...I have compared this before to Katrina the hurricane...only after did government come to their senses and realize what had to change including that pets had to be allowed in shelters. For your particular situation I think someone else suggested asking when would be a good time to call...clearly they must know about his language issue and they should recognize that and I'm thinking there may be some sort of governmental requirement to meet that need. I would move up the ladder if you don't get an adequate response. Right up to the top administrator...and, in the meantime, see if your area has an Area Agency on Aging for advice, particularly a referral to the local Long Term Care Ombudsman who can advise you. In the end, if it is not resolved, your only choice will be to investigate other nursing homes and ask your questions prior to a potential move. I.e. if it will be problematic if you call daily....I'm not techie enough to know if there's a gadget that could connect you two as well...I bet you are...You are a blessing in his life...hold your ground:-) Hugs from another granddaughter in Cleveland...
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Bless you for taking the time to call your grandpa. More people should be doing the same. People DO do this. In fact, my sister and her husband physically visited his mother every day for several years when she was in assisted living, then nursing care. I sort of thought that they were going overboard, but kept my mouth shut because it was their business, not mine. Right now it is not possible to visit those in residential facilities, so those phone calls are really important. If it helps your grandpa, call him. It will be some comfort to you to know that you did your best for him after he passes. Your familiar voice will be a comfort to him and, as you pointed out, you can pass messages between the staff and your grandpa. As others have suggested, try to schedule convenient times with the staff. The staff should be obliging, but most facilities are understaffed and the remaining staff have a hard time getting all the work done. There is not a lot of time for doing favors for residents--though that may be one of their more important tasks, all things considered.

You might also try an internet search to see if there is a device that will secure a charger to something larger to discourage "borrowing." I once had a cable that plugged into the side of my computer, then went around the leg of a bed. To steal the computer, you would have had to dismantle the bed or take it too. You get the idea. Good luck to you.
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You absolutely have a right to speak with your grandfather every day. I would recommend a dock or charging pad that stays plugged in, so there is no chance of "losing" the charger. I just brought my father home a few weeks ago, but when he was in a nursing home for rehab I spoke him as often as 10 times a day on his cell phone. He needed to stay connected to me and he was bored and miserable without our phone calls.
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Yes, please stop. The cords are missing because they can’t deal with this demand. Nursing homes are overwhelmed right now and are extremely short staffed. Are your parents involved at all? Please designate one person to be the voice for him. He needs care as they all do. The call is probably helping you but not necessarily him. I’m sorry this covid has dramatically changed the reality of what nursing homes/assisted can do. We are advocating for one persons per resident to to able to go into facilities to help LO. Caregiver for compromise because isolation kills. Is a fB group you will find tons of useful information there. Get your families involved phone calls aren’t best use of your time now.
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my2cents Aug 2020
If no one speaks his language, then how can they possibly ask him how he is, if he's hungry, if he is hurting, or even just a friendly general chit chat? There's no way these people are locating a translator (even a widely available paid translation service offered via telephone) each time they want to talk with him.

A family member should be able to talk to him. And if they would leave the darn cord in the room to charge phone at night and place it near him in the day time, they should be able to reach him.

Staff shortages didn't begin with covid. Has existed for years because that's how they make money. Since you can't go in to these facilities right now, phone or online contact is all you have. I can't even think of what is a 'better use of your time' if you're saying to leave the nursing home staff alone, don't bother them with phone calls, and there's a guy there who no one can communicate with.
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Tell them you have a right to call him every day, especially since noone speaks his language, you have to intercede for him if he has pain or not.

Tell them That you will be more than happy to visit instead if they will let you.

I would buy one more Cell Ph and tell the Nurse to attach it to something where it won't get lost.

You should also Face Time with him every day.

If no one can speak his language, that is awful especially considering this time with no visitors.

You should also have a camera installed in his room so you can watch what goes on.
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ABSOLUTELY call your grandpa as often as you want! Do t allow a nurse to dictate how often you communicate with a loved one during a pandemic who doesn’t speak English! I’d go a step further and report the nurse go a supervisor, or contact a social worker to let them know what you were told. Ask for clarification about the rules for communicating. It does not matter what “other people” do!!! My father was in a dementia unit for 10 weeks prior to passing away, and I was there every day, sometimes twice a day, to visit him.
Heres an idea for the phone charger: get a long piece of wood and fasten the charger wire to it. Keep it plugged into the outlet and make sure the charging port/phone is resting on a night table. Paint or write his name and room# on the wood. It’s less likely to disappear if it’s cumbersome to move around, and it will be more like a “house phone”
And please, call grandpa as much as you want... and don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you can’t! I’d give anything to be able to talk to my dad again, but unfortunately, he died in February.
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You’re very sweet to be calling and checking on your grandpa. It’s exactly what you should be doing and an alarm bell about the nursing home that they would discourage you. It’s well known that residents with involved family do better in care, and are also better cared for. I’d keep calling and also look into another placement for grandpa, one that appreciates family involvement. This does exist, we had it for my mother. I’m glad you care
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Hello Staceya,
The nursing homes prefer for families to not visit. It is less work and less chance to bring covid into the facility. We took my Mom to a nursing home a month ago due to her dementia getting worse, and due to the fact that we could not care for her at home anymore. It's been a painful month. Your desire to speak to grandpa is very normal.
My observation of the last month is that they try to deter is from calling and window-visiting because there is always not enough aids to help mom come to the window, or hold the phone for her so that we can speak with her. It's so much easier to keep them sitting in the wheelchairs. Be persistent. Don't give up. It's very hard work, daily. That's what I do. I don't know what else I can do.. Best wishes to you and your family.
Lucine
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California law says nursing homes must provide residents with a phone for phone calls.
I don't know where you are but I suggest contacting an ombudsman about this.
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my2cents Aug 2020
That is interesting to know. I have an aunt in memory care who has a cell phone, but because if dementia doesn't remember to charge it. If you call the desk, they tell you to call her phone. I'm going to check in to the requirement for a phone.

If a landline is required for the room, it would never need a charge and would be so much easier. As her mind regresses and she can no longer remember how to use the cell phone, picking up a receiver on a landline should be much easier.
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Hello
I m going through the same issue. Grandma is in SNF. Has no one left in California. I m the only close relative and I live in Australia and I signed up to be her RP.
I call everyday . Some nurses are great and some are dismissive so I choose my battles . I call after handover and that works when a different nurse is on. I have also figured out their Med pass time so I don’t call during that time .
There is a particular nurse who won’t even let me talk and says “there is no change!! She is doing fine. Seems like she gets annoyed . But she doesn’t realise that I am calling not to ask for change. I just want to talk to my grandma regardless of the facts that she doesn’t even know who I m most of the days . It’s hard and given Covid I can understand facilities are under a lot of pressure. But don’t give up. Just call at different times and see if that work . Hope this helps 🤗
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Mykids92 Aug 2020
I think figuring out the med pass times was a really good idea. I accidentally called my dad at mealtime, once. They eat supper a lot earlier than I thought. The aide was sweet about it, but we agreed it would be better not to distract dad from eating. So, I asked what times were best for calling, and for any times to avoid. I wrote down what the aide told me, and have stuck to the non busy times, ever since. Problem solved, for us.
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Staceya - I just went through a similar problem. My 92 year old Mom was in a nursing home for short term rehab after breaking her leg.

Due to some hearing impairment and the phone not being placed near her, many times she was unable to hear the phone ring in her room. Also, due to some dementia, she had difficulty using the phone. We were totally dependent upon staff to help her answer her phone.

After 3:00pm weekdays and all weekend it was next to impossible to get anyone to answer the phone. We were told they do not have a designated secretary on the wing to answer the phone; it was up to the aids to answer it. Apparently they couldn’t be bothered.

Many times when someone did answer the phone, we could hear the irritation in their voices that they had to go help someone with the phone.

A could of times the person answering the phone was irritated, and we were told “we have TOLD YOUR MOTHER that she has to answer her phone”.

They did not keep track of or care that she is hearing impaired and has some dementia.

It was a constant struggle to communicate with my Mom on the phone. (Rehab ended and she is now at a different facility. We are looking into other devices we might purchase to help facilitate communication.)

Ignore what that nurse told you and continue to call him as often as you would like. Especially during the pandemic, they have to facilitate communication between residents and loved ones.

It may become necessary for you to speak to someone with more authority or to the Ombudsman in your state for assistance. (Every state has an ombudsman to help when there are problems. The name of the ombudsman — or at least the number to call — should be in the paperwork you received when he was admitted to the facility.)
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The reason they don't want you to call daily is because
THEY first have to find the portable phone
THEY have to take the phone to him (or bring him to the phone)
THEY have to hang around until the call is over or THEY have to come get the phone when he is done.
Continue to make the calls. If possible let them know what time you will call so they can have him ready and the phone ready. Ask them when is a better time to call. Try to avoid early morning when they are getting residents up for the day, avoid meal times.

Is he on a first floor where you would have access to a window? Even if it is not a window in his room a hall or common area.
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It is not too often to call him under these circumstances. It must be so difficult for him not to be able to communicate. Since he has dementia, communication aids that require reading are not going to be useful.

I am going to just hope that the nurse that told you that was having a really bad day. She is out of line and really not compassionate. Maybe you can ask if there is a time of day that might be easier for them because they are less busy but you should never be told you cannot call your LO.

Check and see if they have a phone line set up in his facility in his room. Some places have that option already and there is no charge. Where my FIL was, they had a phone jack in his room and all we needed to do was plug his phone in; it had a direct line and was free.

If there don't have that option, here is something that may help. My mother was in a facility and her cell phone broke. It was the kind with the sliding keyboard and they don't make them anymore. To put a landline in her room required getting a new line with AT&T that would cost more than $100 and high monthly fees, the cheapest we found was $50 a month as well so we did not want to do that.

Instead we got her a wireless home phone base pad. It is a little device that connects to cell towers like a telephone but it sits in one place and you connect a phone to it. We got her a normal looking landline phone; it has big numbers and also a place where we could pre-program numbers; each number has a spot to put a picture so all she had to do was look at the picture and press the button to be connect. True she does have to be in her room to answer but this has worked out really well.


I am having trouble putting links in so here are the details. I don't work for any of these companies or anything.
We got the phone base pad from Consumer Cellular. Just search under phones and devices; it is the only one they have. Currently on sale until end of Sept. for $25. Monthly fee is $15/month but you can sign up for AARP (well someone who is old enough at least) and get a little discount.

There are all kinds of phones like this on Amazon. The one we got had space for 3 pictures; but some have lots more. I would get one that will amplify calls as well. Price range varies.

You can cancel his cell phone service and just use this. We have had this for over a year and it is working fine. It is certainly not free but the cost is minimal and the other advantage is that because it is a landline phone, she had no problems using it.
Hopefully it helps.
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No, the home he's in has staff who aren't capable of leaving a charger plugged into an outle. It's not that difficult. I bet they took both of them. Your grandpa deserves to hae at least one conversation a day in a language he understands. You might want to point out to the staff that you wouldn't NEED to call them if they'd leave the charger alone.
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Who are they to tell you how often you can call your Grandpa. Hell no!! That made me mad, so no you are not overreacting. I agree with other post and would contact the administrator about phone charges and what you were told. During this stressful time your Grandpa needs that familiar voice of assurance.
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And it is their job to bring LO the phone... chargers probably stolen
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