I didn't hate my mother, but I was quite afraid of her my entire life. Things went ok after I learned how to behave to keep her happy, though I had panic attacks from childhood through my 20's. Got married just to get away from her. Loved being a mom, always talked tenderly to my kids: to avoid how I grew up. After 24 yrs, I divorced, & mother needed help shortly afterwards. I didn't expect the panic to come back, but she was impossible to please & nasty, (memories of my past flooded in).
Now, 6yrs later, she's dead, & I suddenly feel safe. I did cry for a week during her palliative care, (sorry for her misery). Now I cope by taking the advice of many here: exercising & keeping busy (with the estate for now). But I'm surprised at the relief I feel (& cannot tell my family that stuff). Anyone had similar? Thank you.
Parents are simply human beings who created and shaped you. There are many sayings and proverbs about this type of things, i.e. "the family you come from is seldom the family you end up with," etc.
It's very difficult to grapple with the concept that hey my parent was a total manipulator or he/she was actually pretty cruel, etc., simply because people who instill fear or shame or other negative self-esteem threatening emotions within us often exploit our vulnerability and as a built-in fail safe mechanism, we become afraid to speak out or deviate from the sense of identity we've developed as a result of those formative behaviours.
This is so common. I know many people in your shoes. My MIL had a hateful mother and MIL was an only child so she caught the entire brunt of it. Some people had a less than desirable mother. It’s unfortunate. She always told me that she would never treat me like she was treated. She kept her word. She was so lovely to me. She used to pray that she wouldn’t turn into her mom. She didn’t use that frame of reference. She broke the cycle!
After I married my husband I would help take care of the old ‘witch’ (I mean grandma, Hahaha, sorry for my brutal honesty and wicked sense of humor!) so MIL could have a break from her mother. She was horrible. I can empathize because I only had a taste of it from hubby’s grandma but you carried the brunt like my MIL did. Sorry that happened to you.
My MIL also had a rotten MIL too. My mother in law said to me one day, “Do you know how lucky you are to have your mom and me, your MIL love you?” She didn’t have that love from her family. I told her that I was grateful for their love. MIL has been dead for a long time now but she lives in my heart forever. I learned a lot from her love and wisdom.
Years later at her mom’s and her MIL’s funeral she was crying. I offered condolences. She replied to me something I will never forget, she said, “I am not crying because they are dead, I am crying for what could have been. It didn’t have to be like it was. They didn’t have to hate me. I only wanted to love them and be loved.” How sad. Her mother wrote hate mail from the hospital bed to all of us. Most people want to have peace before death. She kept hating.
So to answer your question, your feelings or emotions are completely normal! Hugs!
I have always loved reading your posts. You remind me of my sweet MIL. The damage didn’t destroy you. You turned it around and showed love and compassion to others.
I would bet my last dollar if I asked your children if they felt your love they would unanimously say yes! I so admire people who don’t pass on the hurt because it’s very easy for hurting people to hurt others. Take care, Tiger.
I know I sound terrible saying all these things, but I can't bottle them up any longer.
Yes I have a very complex dynamic with my father in. that I love him but resent him also.
In a counseling session I would ask if it was okay to say "congratulations, for being free from the abuse ." 🧸😊 And here I would add that, "you're free from abuse that wasn't your fault no matter what you were told."
It's not your fault,
it was NEVER your fault.
repeat that
It's not your fault
It's not your fault
You were likely shamed for your entire life, which is a tactic manipulative psychological abusers love to implement. Guilt and shame. It was all about controlling you, through guilt and shame. Now that you're away from that abuse, you'll begin to realize more stuff about your mother's tactics. It's not your fault.
Although your mind has been trained to utilize the same shame tactics bestowed upon you by your abusive mum, you have permission from everyone here to feel relieved. You can, again exhale in relief. 💚
💚💚💚
I had a very angry and emotionally abusive father. I was so relieved when I heard he died because my fear was I would have to take care of him and I feared for my mental health. After he died, I sang all the way to the hospital, felt a huge weight off my shoulders, about cried for happiness that the pain would stop for him and for all of us in the family. I am happy for you and do let yourself dance and sing with joy. You are normal and wise. You recognized the abuse and are careful to not pass that on to your children. You broke the chain of abuse. You are to be commended!
I have as little to do with her as possible. The few times I have been around her she still, even with dementia, gaslights and it just rips the bandaid off old wounds I’ve tried to deal with. Inheritance or not( I expect my sister will attempt to get me off the will), I’ll be glad when she’s gone. Honestly, too much water under that bridge and it’s not going change. Better for me to move on and be with people who actually DO love and appreciate me.
He was a nasty aggressive, abusive narcissist who would manipulate situations to try and spread resentment and hate among people, whilst pretending to be nice.
After all these years I still have panic attacks if I have to read or speak in public. When I was 6 he beat me every couple of days with his belt if I couldn’t read the words from my school reading book. In the end I was so scared of reading I’d hide my school books or lie and say I wasn’t given one to avoid the beatings. He’d then brag to my aunt on how stupid and thick I was, and that I wouldn’t amount to anything. I have spent my whole life trying to avoid him and the verbal abuse.
I had never had anyone to fight my corner and was too ashamed to bring boyfriends home in the past, until I got married a few years back. My husband experienced his behaviour first hand and was shocked, but all came to a head a few months ago when my father was told had to have an operation. Unfortunately he became even more bitter and nasty on my last visit prior to surgery, to the point my husband had to step in.
I told him goodbye and explained to my mother I would not be seeing him ever again, this time he'd gone too far, but to keep me abreast of his progress.
My mother is a vacuous, immature, weak, personality who was easily influenced by my father, she behaved and treated me exactly the same way as he did. Her only saving grace is she is sensitive so would show some kindness at times toward me. But if my father was around she’d switch and treated me the same way as he did. That didn’t stop him from being verbally abusive toward her, she’d sometimes try to argue back but to no avail.
I feel sorry for her because it’s clear this is due to a lack of proper parenting, confidence, and self-worth, whereas I feel no sympathy for my dead father. Even as I type I’m scared he’s going to find out and hurt me, which is daft I know but that’s what trauma does to you.
For everyone who has suffered by the hands of these dysfunctional rotter’s, find solace in that there are many more people out there who feel/felt the same as you do, but are/were too scared to say it out aloud. Be brave, embrace your feelings and find peace. x
Do what you can to make your own life BETTER from here.
Good luck!