I didn't hate my mother, but I was quite afraid of her my entire life. Things went ok after I learned how to behave to keep her happy, though I had panic attacks from childhood through my 20's. Got married just to get away from her. Loved being a mom, always talked tenderly to my kids: to avoid how I grew up. After 24 yrs, I divorced, & mother needed help shortly afterwards. I didn't expect the panic to come back, but she was impossible to please & nasty, (memories of my past flooded in).
Now, 6yrs later, she's dead, & I suddenly feel safe. I did cry for a week during her palliative care, (sorry for her misery). Now I cope by taking the advice of many here: exercising & keeping busy (with the estate for now). But I'm surprised at the relief I feel (& cannot tell my family that stuff). Anyone had similar? Thank you.
I have a father with strong malignant narcissist traits. He was very cruel to my mother fairly regularly, and I was very scared of living with him as a child and left home as soon as I could. I often feel "stalked" as a result of his aggressive pursuit of me throughout my life. I think have CPTSD.
So, when he leaves this earth, will I feel very sad? I also feel kind of guilty about my feelings, but no, I don't think I'll feel deeply mournful. I think I'll feel very mixed and confused, for the glimpses of a father I could have had, but those glimpses are unfortunately outweighed by the memories of aggression and the chaos - which caused so much damage to the relationship.
I also loved my family, but felt great relief when The Lord took them home.
Palliative care weighed heavily on my soul. At Mom's passing, numbness, relief, occasional guilt, normal.
We need to give ourselves permission to live again, however that looks individually. Peace.
It was liberating for her and changed her. She was heavy handed with our children from the abuse that she suffered. Now they adore her. Me too. 48 years.
I loved my parents, but they traveled and moved around when retired. When they passed, I was not really sad, because I know we are eternal creatures, and they just moved again.
"Eye hath not seen nor ear heard the things that God has prepared for those who love Him"
We all have a right to be safe and happy. No one has a right to abuse us but that’s hard to see when it’s been a lifetime pattern. I don’t think I’ll miss her when she’s gone. But that’s her fault, not mine
I was diagnosed with non Hodgkin’s lymphoma two years ago. I treated for it then, but it has returned and I will do 6 months of chemo. I know this came about due to the stress she has out on me and my husband. Should she choose to receive a new pace maker, I am signing off on any more care. She has other co-morbidities such as invasive squamous cell skin cancer that needs monthly attention with Mohs surgeries. The chf causes her to swell up and she can’t do much on bad days. She is end stage macular degeneration and very blind and also very deaf.
Knowing her and her ego, my bet is that she will elect to have a brand new device implanted which will take her through another 10 yrs. She could live until the age of 103! I doubt she will, but the new battery will buy her more time until something else kicks in.
To say I would be relieved if she chooses NOT to go along with the replacement pacer is an understatement!! If she does elect to do this, I am going to find a nursing home for her. Not to punish her for making this decision, but because I have to concentrate on my own health. As long as she is in this situation with us, I will never find peace in order to heal my very stressed mind and body. Not to mention my husband and my daughter who are done with this too because of the state of my health. I am not a martyr.
We have an appt with hospice tomorrow (mother not included) to discuss their take on the situation. Hospice knows about my health crisis. They have been wonderful in what they do for my mother, so I can concentrate on healing. But I still have to tend to my mother as far as everyday matters however and this will only require more involvement as she gets older.
When the day comes, and she is no longer here, I will be relieved. I have done a good job for a very ungrateful person. I am anxious about what awaits with her decision. But she is selfish and entitled. This is why I will bow out gracefully should she decide to go along with the surgery. The surgery requires only a local anesthesia. Otherwise she wouldn’t do it. She is afraid of general anesthesia.
Sorry for the long-winded post. Just want you to know you are not alone in your feelings. Hugs to you. Put it behind you now and take your life back.
I had similar experience after my alcoholic father died. I, too, struggled with guilt over feeling relieved. If you feel guilty for feeling relief, it’s natural, since it’s the most normal thing for part of your mind to defend your mom, despite her difficult nature. But please allow yourself to stretch out mentally and embrace the relief God has granted you. Your mom is with God now, and that same God has granted you a life to be happy with your own children. Bless you, dear , and tell your children about their grandmother’s good points. Not everyone who gets pregnant has the temperament to be a good mom. Sounds like you have what it takes.
PS when my dad passed, (whom I loved, but could not control his drinking), I actually celebrated, secretly. A thunderbolt never struck me, and life proceeded a little easier. Do I feel guilty? Not one bit. Do I feel sad that I didn’t have a way to help him? You bet.
But, like our parents, we are mortal and don’t have unlimited time to live our lives. So bless you and I pray you and your family move through life with a few more smiles than before. I promise you, God’s light had brought peace to your dear mom that she could not find while walking this world.
Leo
When she died, the first thing I said after her last breath was "I wish we'd been closer!" My own mother and father were sadly lacking in the love department, and it would've been nice to have someone I could call "Mom" with real affection. Such a loss of a relationship.
I held her hand and felt relief. Relief that her suffering was over. Relief that I could finally focus on my own life. Relief that now my husband and I could reconnect and I might actually recover my marriage.
I went to a counselor years ago (see above note on my parents) and one of the things he told me was: Your feelings are your feelings. You are entitled to feel what you feel. Feelings don't have to have any rhyme or reason, they just *are*. You owe no one an explanation or apology for how you feel.
Even though she died a year and a half ago, I still feel relief that she is gone. My husband - a REAL Momma's boy - took a long time to function properly again. That was rough. I have only half a tongue left due to the constant biting of said tongue. He still has overly emotional moments, though I think he's finally moved on. Every event resolves itself, one way or another. We are finally working as a couple to move forward on our businesses and our future. He finally sees me.
Focus on yourself. Don't second guess how you feel, just acknowledge your feelings, learn from them, and move on. You'll be fine.
For years I thought I was the only person who had an emotionally manipulative, emotionally/verbally abusive, controlling, condescending, critical, judgmental, complaining, and rude mother. She had some sort of undiagnosed mental illness(es) - she'd never let us take her to get diagnosed/treated & due to the stigma of mental illness in those days, my dad didn't push it, just pretended it didn't exist - we think she had at a minimum BPD, with lots of anxiety, paranoia, some schizophrenia...and she was most definitely narcissistic.
She was the most awful to me, the oldest, which is not uncommon, but she was pretty hostile to anyone who didn't believe the same things she did, think the same way she did, do what she thought you should in any situation etc. But she'd triangulate between me & my 2 siblings (saying one was badmouthing one of the others etc), which I've also learned is not uncommon. She wasn't happy unless people were fighting with each other, with her at the center of it all. I caught onto her gig first, but eventually my sibs did too & we learned to check with each other before believing any of her crap. Eventually she had no friends of her own left and was at war with everyone in her family. She also managed to drive all my father's friends away as well. It was very sad and isolating for us as kids.
I married the first guy who asked at age 18 just to get the hell away from her (other option that I considered was joining the Army, and almost did before dad talked me out of it). I've always been someone who knows my own mind, very independent, no dummy so I wasn't about to take life advice from someone who'd never gone anywhere or accomplished anything with HER life. She often took sides with my enemies or people who didn't have my best interests at heart. She was incredibly toxic, & later when I had kids I was bound & determined they would have very limited exposure to her (turned out to be good advice because she played the same game with my kids - mean to my daughter, while my son was her favorite).
Naturally, I've wound up being the one caring for her. She's 88 & on hospice care in my home as she has, among other things, severe advanced dementia. I won't even go into how that happened but up until a month ago she still had as much b*tch in her as ever & was driving me nuts. Now she doesn't have long left and I will never be so happy as when she isn't in my life anymore. She never nurtured me - I was never loved for who I was, only to the degree I aligned with her beliefs/opinions - and I was never considered good enough.
I will have to hide my giddiness, especially from my boyfriend, whose mom was also on hospice care at the same time as mine, but who was beloved by many. Her funeral a couple weeks ago looked like a state affair. He was close to her & sorely misses her. To him, my attitude would seem callous even though I've told her what she was like. Most people can't wrap their heads around the notion of terrible moms (Each Mother's Day, finding a card was always a challenge because I never felt anything any of them said). No one will be coming to my mom's funeral except us siblings and maybe a few of the grandkids. My dad was saint to put up with her and probably didn't leave her so we weren't left alone w/her.
As I got older I learned that my mom's mom died when she was young and her older (mean) sister raised her, then there was a custody battle over her between an aunt & her dad, so I had SOME empathy for her. Not much.
So no - you feel what you feel. You should feel NO shame in your situatio
I always ended up going with the "joke" cards, but Mother's Day was always the worst for me. And of course one is always expected to give a card regardless of the fact that she was always abusive to me from a very young age.
I have a friend who had a similar situation--she spent every day with her mother during the last few years of her mother's life, and her mother was cruel and ungrateful. After her mother died, my friend went to counseling for about a year, to help herself deal with not only the shame/guilt she was feeling over the relief of being free from her abusive mother, but also to deal with the lifelong trauma she experienced. I wonder if some counseling would also benefit you?
No one - NO ONE - knows what you endured. You ARE entitled to your feelings.
This man had worked 40 years in education. Evidently, he touched (in a good way) absolutely no one.
There were NO tears, no emotions other than a huge sigh of relief.
I felt that way when my abusive OB died. Again, took mom to the 'ceremony' his friends cooked up for him. A lot of drumming and burning of sage and total whacked out weirdness. It was good for mother to see how crazy he had become. And, as one of his abuse 'victims' it was cathartic to know he was gone and could no longer hurt me or anyone else.
Mother is 90 and looks like she will live forever. I feel sad that I already have long since 'grieved' any hope of a good relationship with her. She simply should never have had children.
You deserve to feel what you feel, until you don't feel that way anymore.
Counseling may help, if the guilt lasts longer than you feel it should.
Look at all the answers you got in a couple days--you definitely aren't alone in this situation.
(Yes, I recall that my mother actually TOLD me she 'wished she'd never he kids'. (Gee thanks mom). Duh.
However, my Pastor says I'm going through and will have a transition in my life when he does pass. I love my dad but sometimes not the person he's become.
Get what's called a transition counselor who will help you through this, most have gone through the same thing and understand.
I will be even more relieved when I get all of her estate stuff settled and finally have no ties with toxic members of my dysfunctional family, who made caregiving and have even made the probate process difficult. Unfortunately I've had to deal with them to a degree still yet, but I'll be glad when it's done and closed.
Bottom line is you have a right to feel how you feel. Not everyone will 'get it', but that's okay, it's your journey, not theirs.
for me it was my father.
I was number two child and I just took it that I felt the fists, got the blame for everything, and tried to work out what it was that I had done wrong.
But being a child accepted that was life
I was suspicious about his dementia, and he was smart enough to be rude to me so that Id stay away. Id visit my mother yearly and put up with the abuse that kept on coming, mainly cos I flicked it off my shoulders when they were then in their 80s.
I did make some barbed comments to him, that were fairly mild, but he knew without a doubt there was no love coming from my angle.
Im pleased he died, and I didnt feel one moment of emotional twang, he was 94 so had more than a good innings and a good 60+ years of making 5 children very miserable, which he constantly reminded us that he had the right to do.
Its been interesting watching the siblings, then take on his role of dominating and trying to bully my mother, I feel divorced to most of them, as I found their behaviour disgusting
Nah, you are good, in fact very good. and Im sorry that your life was so ruined. I hope you are able to enjoy your own children now, and actually be truthful about how things were. They deserve to know, and you deserve to share the burden placed upon you.
You certainly are not alone
To be honest, during the 12+/- years I took care of her, her personal business, her property, etc. there was a span of time where I mourned the loss of the good relationship she & I once had. By the time she died, I was a mental & physical wreck because I wasn't eating right, I was pulled in so many directions by the responsibilities I'd taken on that I couldn't think straight & I was in desperate need of a 2nd major surgery that I'd put off because there was so much to do. I'd had a surprise surgery that as far as I can tell has saved my life the 7 months prior to her death & I was stressed with needing to take care of my own personal business as well as hers.
In the end, she apologized for leaving me with such a mess. (She was a hoarder with 4 houses that had piles above my head & dangerous paths I had to navigate in order to get any where. However, she never apologized for the verbal & physical abuse she heaped upon me during those 12+/- years.
Initially, I was sort of shocked at my indifference; but, then again, she was her own worse enemy & if she'd have gone about things differently, her final years would have been much different
This is not to say at one time she wasn't a great person to be around, because there were times before those 12+/- years that I remember fondly, But I gave enough of my own life to her - more than I should have in order to do the right thing.
And then again, was it the right thing? I really don't know. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of older people out there with no one or who don't want to "bother" their children or whose children just don't give a damn or their children are so caught up in their own lives that they can't see further than the end of their hand who end up dying when they didn't have to.
My dad used to asked me, "Whoever told you life was fair?" & he was so right.
My advice is take whatever time you have left (we usually have no idea how much time we have) & go live your life as you see fit.
I may sound cold hearted but when you're gone, you're gone.