Is it normal she's so negative?

Wow, Jeweltone!! That is wonderful!! Good for you! I'm so glad you got it all out, AND that you and your mother had such a nice visit!

So you know, I am listening to the advice I have been given. I went to visit mom, do her hair, and fix her pill box. Same 'ole thing today when I first got there. Complained about the cable, must not get good cable here, nothing on this tv. I used to get a lot more movies on my other tv. Never could get her to understand that cable is cable--it is not the place and not the tv. She became upset and told me she wasnt going to go through this with me again today. We went to do her hair and she sat in the chair and said "get this over with so you can go back to your palace." First of all, I hardly live in a palace..haha, second of all I am NOT taking it from her today. I stopped dead in my tracks and told her exactly what I needed to many times ago. With all your help, I have been able to do what I know needs to be done..so here it went-- I told her I wasn't going to do it today either and for that matter I wasn't doing it ANYMORE! I told her that I have decided as of today I am not coming back and taking this from her. The put downs, the yelling or her complaining. No more! I began to tell her how hurtful it was. That I come to see her and help her the best I know how. I also stated to her that I want to come for a pleasant visit and we haven't had one yet. I didn't stop until I said what I needed to say. She got very quiet and just looked at me as I spoke. I told her to find something else to talk about beside complaining. After washing and fixing her hair, she looked at me and said, "will you trim my nails"? I said that I would be happy too. After doing her nails, she asked me to do her toenails, I did. She asked if I would take a walk with her to the other levels and sit on the covered patio. Gladly I told her. We actually had a nice visit. She talked of everything from where she used to work to things when I was little. I still watched how I answered questions and made sure I didn't reply to something that would set her off, but I did say what was a long time coming. I usually go and stay about 2 hours, today, I was there for 6 hours. Wow, I was shocked and so was my family. They wondered what happened to me..Ha! She kept trying to find things to talk about to keep me there. I could tell she knew I meant business. Before I left, I told her I enjoyed our visit. Thanks to all for the much needed encouragement and for letting me realize I get to decide everything!!

It is not terrible. I thought I just read something I wrote..LOL My mom has complained about the same things the past three years. Actually 5 or more. She was getting paranoid about her neighbors that she had for 15 or more years. She sold that house --just had to get out of there, moved to another county--two weeks later "I need to get out of here" "the neighbors aren't very nice", these women don't like me, how do they live here...blah blah. Moved back to her town she just moved from and the same things came from her mouth, then I knew something was wrong. Blamed the movers for stealing from her--I knew it wasn't so, found the things she claimed were missing. (never told her though). The other day she started saying how one of the girls only come to the doorway of her bedroom and stays in the living room to talk to her. Ok? so? my mom sees that as the girl don't like her and don't want to get close to her anymore. PARANOID!! I can't blame them either if they didn't want to. Called her today and hadn't talked to her since her little fiasco on Sunday. She didn't have anything to say. I asked her what she was doing and she said "nothing, what is there to do here?" My mom always ends her sentences with a question, she will say stuff like, my hands hurt, you know it? I can't stand that girl, can you? Then gets mad if I don't answer her statement/question. She will say, I am talking to the air I guess. My mom had to go to rehab too and said the same things. I try to remind her how bad it was at the nursing home. They really weren't very nice and bathe them like a herd of cattle or something. Now I think that is one reason she is afraid to get in the shower.

Oh, the big realization I had was that "everybody leaving" is a confabulation. I didn't know what that was until I started educating myself on dementia this past year. If mom has been confabulating for 15 years then I think her Alzheimers is a lot older than we all ever imagined. That made me look into the stages of Alzheimers and see that we moved mom up here near us kind of in the nick of time. A lot of what has happened over the past 15 years wasn't her just being meaner than normal mean. It was her dementia and not one person noticed or did anything meaningful about it. So sad. Earlier intervention could have put her on a much different path in life. *sigh* Earlier intervention would have taken a rope, a hippopotamus tranquilizer, and a gurney.

Jeweltone- we are on parallel paths, that's for sure.

I had a huge realization when mom had moved into her IL apartment and she started complaining about the same things - verbatim - that she complained about when she moved out of Charlotte to the country (back down home) 15 years ago. People are mean. People are talking about me. Those women at church were looking at me mean. And so on. I distinctly remember her talking about how everybody's going to leave down here, nobody is going to stay. Everybody is leaving at the bank/doctor's office/pharmacy, etc.

Then when she moved out of her IL apt into rehab, she did it again. Same complaints, verbatim. Even "everybody's leaving".

Lastly, when she moved out of rehab into her care center (nursing home) unit room, there it all was again - verbatim. I asked her how does she know that "everybody's leaving" and she said she heard them talking about it in the hallway.

Well mom, the one commonality here is you. And I can't say I blame them. (I know, I'm terrible.)

Sandwich42: I believe you just wrote about my mom. I have dealt with her for 46 years 7 months, 6 days and too many hours to mention. My parents divorced when I got married because my dad couldn't take the abuse anymore..thanks dad for leaving me with her. I have said many times if she would forget who he is, I would give her back to him. Ha! The answer to your question about dementia, yes, she was diagnosed with frontal lobe dementia. Sometimes I question it, but I see so many things about her personality changes and inability to care for herself and how confused she gets about things. My mom always has something to say about the staff. "they don't know what they are doing", "did you hear the way he talks?:, on and on...The sad thing is my mom was a top loan officer, head teller, very smart, wise and very talented. She could sew, knit, crochet, make anything by just looking. Now she can't read a phone number. When she says things, it still reminds me of her "old" ways. It is hard for me to differentiate at times. She started showing signs when she was about 62 but I had no idea what the signs were. She was just getting meaner and meaner. Now she is 68 and doesn't know whats happening to her. We had to sell her house (she lived an hour away from me) and move her closer to me. Big mistake!! She gets so mad because I won't take her home with me to live. I can't and won't. I was going to build a bigger house and have room for her, but now I am so glad she is in AL. only been there since March and is miserable. Well, the misery was there before, but now more pronounced. She won't go out of her room except for me to do her hair. But they tell me at AL that she does go out and walk around the building with the staff and comes out for Bible study some. She tells me she never gets out that they are big liars. Well, the joke is on her, because I know they aren't lying to me. Some of the residents have mentioned to me as well when I come to visit.

Oops - I just now saw that your mom's AL doesn't have nursing staff. OK. If they don't provide add-on services, then they have to come from somewhere besides YOU!

Something to think about - have you had your mom evaluated for any dementia issues? If not, I would suggest it now. You will need to plan ahead for her care. If there is any kind of dementia, this information will help guide your plan to make sure she get to a place that DOES have not only heath aid/personal attendant services, but also increasing levels of skilled nursing care.You can search & inquire to understand what any given place has to offer for dementia patients (e.g. secured wings, units, or floors, escape-proofing, food services, activities). The escape-proofing is a big one. Nobody knows if your senior will wander until they do it.

Jeweltone - You have to get out of the pillbox business. I would ask the administrator AND head nurse at the AL center about acquiring a home health aid to not only put her pillbox together each week, but to also administer.This should be part of the AL services, but not in an independent apartment facility. I had to do this for my mom because she would mix up her pills, skip doses, throw her pill box in a fit to try to break it, and lose the pills, etc. Fortunately, the place she was at had in-house home health aids ready to be assigned. It was an add-on service for her IL apartment, but boy am I glad it was there! At some places though you can contract outside aids to come in. They might have a recommendation on who to use. My mom could not keep her meds straight to save her life and would slap me stupid if I tried to touch anything. Only people in nurse's clothes can touch her medicine, and even then mom would rail and rage about how they are all frauds & fakes, right in off the street with no d_mn sense and probably can't read or write...... Ooof! If my mom didn't have her anger, she wouldn't have anything.

You asked me how long I had been dealing with negativity from my mom - the answer is all my life: 42 years 11 months & 10 days. She & dad would have so many fights because all she did was nitpick, criticize, complain, fault-find. Now we know this is the hallmark of a Borderline & Narcissistic personality disorder person. Back then, they were thinking she might be bi-polar.She was on every pill they made for "nerves" and everybody around her had to watch out for her "nerves". She gets so mad now becuase nobody will take her "nerves" as a legit diagnosis and give her more pills for it. They are treating her anxiety and depression though.

My mom too makes all kinds of wild threats about things she'll do to get thrown out. I looked her right in the face and said "good luck with that, because you're not coming back to my house. I guess you'll be on the street." She said she'd run around naked or pee in the hall. My response was "you think you're the first person to pee on the floor around here?" I just refuse to crack and show her any hint of being affected by her childish threats. I'm more like "sit down, eat your pudding, and take a nap. Enough racket out of you today."

I would also talk to the staff & director at the AL and find out if they have volunteers who can take your mom to activities or visit with her. My mom is a product of her own making. She wouldn't go to anything, wouldn't talk to anybody (other than to scream at everyone "B_tch_s - you're all a bunch of b-tches!"), would only sit in the dark and be a jerk to staff, but then complained of being lonely. Well...!!!

Mom can't go to a NH just for being difficult. You have to need a certain level of skilled nursing outside the scope of AL. I think you need to tell mom very candidly that she can lay off the threats and stunts because "it just won't work sweetie. "

Do NOT feel guilty for not visiting. You might think about giving it a month off, so she can acclimate without outside interruptions. She needs to have a long time to adapt. I heard it's at least 3 months for seniors to adapt to a new surrounding, maybe longer depending on the person.

Maybe time your visits with specific activities at the AL, so you have something to take her to. This is going to pre-empt sitting in her room listening to complaining. If she won't go to the activity with you, then you have to get home.

Thank you Harpcat. Yes, I realize my own brain health is very important. I pray everyday that I keep a healthy mind and body. At the AL there aren't any nursing staff. In my state it works a little different. The AL can give lower prices by not having nursing staff. They do med reminders and I am going to talk to the director about a way we can get this done at least two times a day. I also think my mom needs her dosage(mg) bumped up too. She has been on the same dose for a year and I think she is getting used to it. That is good your dad can still email/read. My mom freaked out once when I brought her some magazines. I didn't realize she couldn't focus on them to read them. I am slowly learning. 3 years seems like a long time and one would think I would have it figured out in that amount of time, but three years ago is only when I started really noticing something wasn't right. The progression started and now here we are. In hindsight, I can say this has been going on for 5 or more years. I am hoping something will just come over me and I will just be able to do what I really want to and not what I feel like I should. I talked to my daughter yesterday about some things with my mom. She is always telling me I let it bother me way too much-she is so right. My daughter reminded me "granny is too much". Haha--yes she is! Having a 23 and 15 year old, they help me stay focused. I will say I love to plant flowers. Last summer I lived with my mom and didn't get to do any of the things I enjoy. Actually, we thought we were losing her, but she snapped out of what was going on. This summer I am trying so hard to enjoy being home, planted my flowers, and have a long list of other things I want to do. Working diligently to enjoy and put one foot in front of the other.

Autocorrect ..argh! I meant to type if you were really ill as in sick. Lol

I think loo loo has a great idea for you. I fill my dad's pillbox too. I have two also which works great when I can't get over there. I know what you mean about the anti anxiety meds needing AM and PM and how confusing that is. It was for my dad too. He just couldn't manage that. I know most of these places will have in place a way for nursing staff to administer medication. They have to have her doctors orders. See if you can do that so that she at least can get her PM med.

On not calling your mom for a week I totally get that feeling. Even though my dad is safe and secure, I get a feeling that I "should" be visiting him. Last week I didn't call or visit for a week...(we do email however) but even so I wondered what he thought. Then I realize he's fine there and with his dementia, one day seems a lot like the next and he isn't even aware of how many days have gone by. If you distance yourself long enough and often enough it will begin to seem the new normal. It takes awhile because when you've been going over there often trying to make her happy (which you know can't be) then it seems like the normal. Try forcing longer breaks and getting the pill situation in control. Because if you needed to travel or were really I'll, you would need help with it. My dad also made remarks at first (premedication) about us dumping him and throwing him away...you know it's not so and it's the depression etc. talking, but it can hurt unless we distance ourself from that and not take it personally. Accepting that she won't change will help. Try the hiatus approach and pill box fix and you will feel less anxious. Don't let anxiety rule you...it can wreck havoc on your own brain health.

As the week rolls on and I haven't called my mom or talked to her since Sunday, my nerves are getting the best of me. I don't know why, but I get nervous knowing I haven't spoke with her. Yes, I know she is fine. No phone calls from AL or none from her. She just has this way about her... The control continues. I guess too I know when I do see or talk to her, I have to hear about it, the wrath of my mom..whew it is rough. Sandwich42: Where is your mom? How long have you dealt with this issue?

That is a good idea. They are not allowed to deal with the medicine. They can go to her room and give her a reminder, but not allowed to handle it. I also need her to take her anxiety meds more often than once a day, but having more than one pill box confuses her. I have even tried the ones with morning, afternoon and evening. Someone mentioned there is a time released box I can get, but can't find one.

Jeweltone, if you buy a 2nd pill box, could you fill one, leave it with the staff, and have them give you the empty one to refill for next time?

I have also been thinking how can I not go each week, but I am afraid that may not be able to happen. she has to have her pill box fixed each week and the AL cannot do it due to not being able to administer medicine. I have tried more than on pill box and she gets so confused. Thinking back, I had to stay with my mom all last summer. She lost ability to care for herself at all, so it was me all summer and I mean I left my family and moved in with her. I came home a couple times a week. Then I found someone to stay with her when it was time for school to start back and I had to go back to work. Now, I was blessed to get her in the new AL facility and dont have to take so much time physically. Hasn't changed the time it takes up in my mental capacity. Something I thought back on that she is saying to me now, brings me back to when I stayed with her. Sunday when I was there and things weren't good, she said, "you just brought me here and dropped me off and don't do anything for me anymore". First of all, I do a lot that she just doesn't see, but I am getting why she is so mad. She wants me 24/7 and says whatever it takes to make me feel guilty. She agreed to go the AL, I did not force her there, but she still blames it on me. She did ask me if there was anything they could kick her out for...I told her no! I also talked to the director and told her my mom may come up with an idea to try to get kicked out. My mom will be in for a rude awakening because if she does, the nursing home will be her next stop and then she will be broke--(this is also something she worries about paying AL). Nursing home costs are double what the AL facility cost. Shameful but true. I have decided she will not come to my home and treat me that way here in front of my kids. I DO have a say so!! Thank you for helping me realize it!

Sandwich42: I am an only child also. My aunt helps out as much as she can but she lives over an hour away. She is my rock, my go to when I need to vent. She is a great listener and reminds me I have done everything I can. I like your answer too about I get to decide everything. You are so right. I do get to decide and that is what makes my mom soooo mad! I took my daughter with me on Mother's Day and it didn't go well either. My husband, bless his heart, opens mouth and inserts foot way too many times for me to take him. Thank you and hugs back to all of you.

Sandwich42 I loved your answer!! I too stopped visiting my dad without another person present (pre-move and zoloft) as it was too difficult. I love how you say "you get to decide everything".

jeweltone - nothing but hugs and sympathy from me. I'm an only child, mom's sisters do not a thing to help, and mom is negative to her core. Now my mom is diagnosed with cluster B personality disorder, which is different than just being negative, but it doesn't make your experience any less. It's HARD.

Watching the primary grown up who supposedly had things all together during most of your life, turn into a petulant 3 year old is HARD.

Don't try to do more than you can. If you get over there once a month, fine. If you get over there more or less often, fine. You get to decide how this goes.
You get to decide everything - how long you stay, how much bad juju you get to put up with in a visit.

I never visit my mom without my husband. He's the good one and I'm the bad one. Wild horses and a million dollars couldn't get me to visit her alone. Maybe if you have a buddy you can take with you most of the time, it will help.

Sometimes my mom will be distracted if I bring her candy or a balloon. Sometimes she isn't distracted and could not care less. She's on a big fat dose of Prozac. One day at a time sweet Jesus, as they say.

My aunt called my mom today to try to visit and she told her she didn't want company. She told her it made her too nervous. ((shrug)). They have puzzles in the common area at the AL. My grandmother loved to do puzzles so now my mom wont do them because she said my grandmother did them. We literally have tried everything. this woman is hopeless. I am feeling better being able to write about it.

I so understand Jeweltone. The distractions do help. Maybe substitute phone calls instead sometimes. Another idea as a distraction is to work puzzles together if you think that she would. Take care..hugs

Jeweltone, what you said about doing her hair while visiting to "keep busy" -- yes, I need distractions when visiting my mother for the same reason. I could never do anything requiring touch/body contact though. Partly because I can't stand the idea myself, and partly because she can't stand being touched either, particularly if there's any gesture of tenderness or affection. Yeesh. Deep sigh...
It's a shame these things take so much strategizing just to get through. You're doing really well though, learning your way through this, and staying aware of your own needs. Hugs :)

Your grandfather sounds like my mom when she truly believes something. They become obsessed. I have thought about "why" I do the things I do for her. Two reasons?? Maybe you are right in that I want to be the "good girl" that my mom never acknowledge before and number two because I want to be "good" in God's eyes too--once again needing to do the "right" thing. Maybe if I don't do her hair I will not have a reason to go. It will be too hard to just go visit with her. The visits are not pleasant and when I do her hair it keeps me busy and the time passes much faster. Who knows the why.. wish I did. My mom has always had this sense of entitlement. She has always been the type of person that you owed her something. She will say that I have changed. Yes, I have because I have stopped taking her abuse. Even though I have told her I am not taking it anymore, she still just don't get it. I do understand why though--the dementia. I got up this morning and can still see that face from yesterday. I would really like to put it behind me and pretend it (she) doesn't exist.

Try letting them do it. Maybe she will end up preferring it, but you'll never know till you try. Doing her hair sounds like a other burden and way for her to manipulate you and for you to feel like you are being the "good girl". Try to figure out why you keep doing it even when she tells you she doesn't like it. "Let it go and let others" should be your new motto. Lol. It's wonderful you have a friend to listen to you. We all need that. But still she's not skilled in the ways a therapist is who can give you ways to handle this. Even one or two sessions can be most helpful. It helped me. A great book to read is by Henry Cloud, "Boundaries: When to Say Yes and When to say No".

Take a week's break before visiting her again Jewel. Really, that sort of bad behaviour needs to be treated exactly as you would do with a toddler - timeout! if you know she's being cared for sufficiently, just don't visit. She'll be fine. My grandfather was okay this weekend in terms of his negativity but he became fixated on my safety getting home after the visit to the point of becoming upset/obsessed about it and giving me $50 to take a cab. I made the mistake of telling him that I was going to do some shopping after the visit and that's what set him off "But it'll be dark when you get back!" , "don't do it- just go straight home!" "all the terrible things that happen in this city nowadays - yes they do! I read about them in the paper!" etc.

Harpcat: Yes, they have a beauty shop. That is where I take her to do her hair. They open it for me so I can wash and style her hair. I tell her each week to let them do it, but she always says "who knows how they will do my hair". Ironic, Huh? She doesn't like how I do it, or so she says. I am ready to let them do her hair, take care of her accounts, and anything else she needs. She already thinks I am a terrible daughter. I have given her so much of myself and have tried everything I can think of to make things better. I am learning the hard way to stop taking it from her. I do think she is shocked that I call her out on her behavior and walk away instead of just taking it like I did all my life from her. I do have someone I can air things out and today I called her and she helps remind me nothing will change it and I am doing the right thing. My mom did start letting the girl that does nails cut her nails. They need it again and I offered today, but she said no. Yay me. I was glad. Now just for the hair. I think my mom thinks if she lets them do her hair I may not have a reason to come back. Maybe I feel guilty because maybe she is right.

I think you did fine dealing with her. No you do not have to take abuse. Guilt is not a reason for taking abuse. Dementia or not, it's not good. I understand your need to want to move away. Truly you need a therapist you can talk to about dealing with her and also someone to just air things with, is that possible? Once when my dad called me and begin complaining about how my sister and I were handling things, I very calmly said "did you call me to yell at me?" That sort of shocked him because one, I was calm, and second, I called him on his behavior. I decided I would not take that from him. I asked you one other time if the ALF has a beauty shop so that they can do her hair. You should let them do it. She'll be sweet as pie to them. You need to take care of your self and set boundaries. Guilt means boundaries aren't set. I hope you'll think about these suggestions. It's a hard road and you need support.

Oh my gosh, Bless your heart, do you have the same mother? She sounds identical to mine and I am just exhausted. She can only complain and talk about herself and how awful everything is. I have no answers for you but want you to know that you are not alone.

**Update** Today was NOT a good visit! I went to do my mom's hair as I do every week. Each week it is the same thing. She complains about the same stuff, don't like her hair, don't like anyone at the facility, don't like this, don't like that... I can deal with it, because it is the same thing. Today, I decided to take her some candy from a local candy shop, bought her new pillows (that she requested), took her drinks that she likes, etc. I thought today will be a good day because she is getting some goodies. Was I WRONG! She complained as normal but after we did her hair, she told me she was hungry. I asked her if there was something I could go get her. She yelled, I can't eat. I ignored it and said, let's think of something we might want to eat. She yelled (screamed) I CAN"T EAT!! I looked at her and said, "please don;t yell at me". She gave me a more evil eye and said, "why do you talk to ME that way?" I didn't talk to her in any manner but calm. Years ago I would have just taken it, but I am learning not to. Then out of the blue she said, "you don't want me at your house". I reminded her I didn't have room. She said, ïf you had a mansion as big as this building you wouldn't take me home with you. I told her that was her opinion and I would bring her home with me. I asked her if that is why she was so upset with me, because I can't move her in with me. She went on about how I wouldn't anyway. I told her it was time I go, and she told me to get out of here and to take my nasty candy with me. I left the candy and as I went out the door she was still yelling at me. Whew. I wanted to cry. It is hard when I know she feels like she thinks. She truly believes what she says. This is when I wish I lived in another state and would have the excuse not to be able to go visit. She knows I am right down the road. Literally 2 min away from her. I once again feel guilty because I left. I just cannot and will not take her rudeness anymore. Thanks for listening.

Mainemom: That is so true. I have even questioned my mom's diagnosis so many times because she seems so "normal" at times. Then I sit and think how her looks are not normal for her now, her ability to go out, get dressed, pick out her clothes, etc. is not normal. My mom doesn't call me anymore either. She called my daughter one day about three months ago (only because the number was beside the phone) and she couldn't remember my number and my daughter gave her my number. My daughter had to repeat it at least 5 times and my mom wrote it down. If I needed to call the number she wrote down, I would have not reached anyone. It was all over the page. Her writing is not legible now and when you can make out letters, the wording doesn't make sense. She can recall a movie though. How this works I really don't know. so many things aren't explainable and I think that's why anyone has a hard time believing it is true dementia. Looking back, my mom was in her early 60's as well.

When my mother was first diagnosed with dementia 5 years or so ago some people would argue and say that she was just going through normal aging. I knew it wasn't normal aging especially since she was only in her late 60's. Anyway the doctor explained that your brain was like a computer and stored things that you remember in your memory. If you forget something which we all do is normal and can usually be remembered with a simple prompt. The difference is that with dementia we forget how to do things that we have always done such as with driving forgetting to stop at a stop sign or red light and not even realizing it afterwards. Or forgetting how to dial a phone, using a remote etc. My mother has a hard time using a phone. One time she called me and was talking on the answering machine but she thought she was talking to me. Her phone had an echo and when she said hello she heard hello back and didn't know it was an echo. Also when I went to her house one time her phone was in the charger upside down! To me that is not normal aging.