Is it normal she's so negative?

looloo If this is able to happen, please share how you do it. When I visit for a long period she is irritated, if I only stay an hour then she says I don't stay very long. You are so right, the inability to please them is so hard to understand. My mom has always been hard to please and now it is just worse. I wish I lived farther away from her then it may be easier for the distance, but unfortunately she is only 2 minutes away. I have to pass by the AL every time I go to town for something and the guilt of not stopping, oh well. I am NOT stopping every second only once a week. I tell her I am working even when I am not. My goal was to go see her two or three times a week, have lunch with her and me and my family go up for dinner once a week (doesn't that sound nice?) well, I thought so until we started visiting and she wouldn't come out of her room. I am NOT going to eat in her room with her and listen to the constant complaining. I would have an ulcer and wouldn't be able to digest my food. Life could be so much more enjoyable if she would allow it to be. She chooses this life for herself and I am punished in the meantime. Good luck with your phone call, I totally relate to the feeling in the pit of your stomach.

Jeweltone, I completely relate to what you describe w/your mother. Complete inability to please, to appreciate what you're doing. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. I have to call my mother today and am dreading even the brief phone call. Then I have to schedule a visit soon to take care of some her stuff. Hopefully I can time it along with her birthday in a few weeks. And THEN I am telling myself to give myself a break! She is not in AL or memory care yet, but really should have been for at least a year or so now. I will definitely be one of those children who rarely visit. I am thinking maybe one day a month, for no more than 1/2 an hour, and the visits will get even less frequent, and shorter as time goes on.

Good Monday, yay the weekend is over but yesterday was another day from h***. As a reminder, three weeks ago I said my spill to my mom about her complaining and things went better until yesterday. The complaining about some things I can tolerate. Yesterday she got started on her room. "It is dark, so and so has more windows in her room". Why did you choose this room for me--I didn't she chose it. We tried another room and she kept going back to the one she is in. Of course, no one else wanted my room that's why I got it, on and on. We went to look at other rooms in case she chooses to move rooms. Remember also she has moved three houses over the past two years. Of course it MUST be the place since she isn't happy, so let's move once again. UUGH! My mom lived in two houses since she was married to my dad. One I grew up in they lived there 22 years. My parents divorced and my mom moved to another county closer to her work. She lived there for 20 years--my mom just dont up and move, but now since her illness she cannot find contentment. While on our search (the facility is brand new so there are rooms available) we saw some other visitors coming in the building. We were on the second floor looking out the window and she reminded me of people that come ALL the time--like I don't come every single week. Here is the kicker, we saw a grandson (my age) coming to see his grandfather. He moved his grandfather from another state to be closer so he could help him more (great idea for the grandson, I think it was great) My mom looked and said, "Here comes that man's grandson, that's what happens when "they" don't know what to do with "you" /they/ won't take /you/ home with /them/ so /they/ put /you/ in a place like this". (VERBATIM) Really? Yes, she said it. I asked, "are you pointing fingers?" her response, "well, /they/ say, if the shoe fits wear it." yes, she did!! My mom has ALWAYS known how to cut me deep by using other people to give examples of how she feels about me. Others visit, others bring their mom clothes, others others others... Grant it, I do the same things, but she doesn't even see it. Something else always looks better to her--another room, another house, other people's children, on and on. Even though she has frontal lobe dementia, she still knows so much. She is still so much herself. She doesn't forget that much, she is just mean and hateful and miserable. Where I see the difference in my mom is her ability to care for herself now, her inability to shower, to eat, to get dressed and her personality has changed. Even though it is much the same, she no longer laughs or smiles much now. She gets confused about things and how things work. Those are the only differences. I am really to the point, I do NOT want to go anymore. I am tired of the abuse (yes, I have told her) I have a conscience and therefore I go. I thought about it yesterday when I came home and realize I don't have to go, I don't have to do anything now she has people to take care of her but my issue is, How do I stop? Knowing I don't have to is one thing, but me being the person always wanting to do what is "right" is another. I struggle even with my own self..haha. I feel like it is such a waste of day to go to do things for my mom and visit her because I know that is what she wants and then get shot down.

Good morning on Saturday. Here we are another weekend. When people say, "oh, I am so glad it's Friday and the weekend", I really cant say the same thing. I used to look so forward to the weekends. Especially today is rainy, my husband and I used to like curling up with a blanket and watching Lifetime Movies (I know, haha) on rainy days because he doesn't have to mow on these days. Instead, I have to call and check on the most miserable person I know and once again explain myself to her...what I am doing today and why didn't I come yesterday and blah blah. I want a month off. No phone calls, no hair doing, no listening to her, no wondering what she thinks, nothing...just me and my family, no worries. Listen to me, I am starting to sound like "her". Oh, boy.

Sandwich42: My mom has been on so much medicine, but nothing seems to help. She cries alot and they tried prozac for it, but it didn't phase it. She took seroquel too and said she had nightmares and eventually quit taking it. We (caregivers and myself) would even sneak it in something for her to sleep and she would get up and cry that she had the worst nightmare and that she didn't sleep well. It worked like a gem at first. She slept well, seemed happier (if that's possible) but after a month or so she had a hard time with it. Hope it works for your mom, because it did help some with my mom at first. Now my mom only takes a 5mg of a pain med and aleve for her back pain and lorezapam for anxiety. It's not much, but even without it she becomes a worse mess. In April after moving in AL, I got to the pharmacy too late and she had to do without her anxiety med for two days and she was literally a big mess. Wringing her hands, pacing the floors, saying "I can't do this", her eyes as wide as quarters. After giving her one then in 20 min she was a different person. Weird how a small white pill can make a difference. Even though she is like she is, she is so different without the medicine. She is more child like and so nervous without it. My mom doesn't hold her breath, but she constantly tells me NO. She isn't going to do this or that. Drives me crazy. No is her first answer to everything. The doctor told me not to let her tell me no. Okay? Really? She is a 68 year old woman that is my mother. The one who was always in control (...and do I mean control) and now you want me to be in control of a control freak? After three years, I am learning, but I still let her tell me no because it is too hard to fuss with her. The hospice doctor last summer told me the opposite, he told me not to make her do anything. If I offer her something to eat and she won't eat it, then so be it. That really helped me so much. After experimenting with different medicines, she got off of hospice and they put her on pallative care. She still says no and that is ok with me.

Wel, here goes. I will make my phone call and try not to ruin my day.

No, you can't reason with someone who has dementia. The word dementia is the literal opposite of reason. From Latin, from demens, dement- ‘out of one's mind.’

When mom would get her facts all mixed up and start demanding I make sense of it - usually quite angrily- instead of doing that, I just respond with "we are all just doing our best to get by." Over & over. You don't have to rationalize anything. It's a response we've had since birth, to explain ourselves to parents. But that isn't a good idea most of the time anymore.

Then I immediately jump to "It's going to be OK. You are going to be OK. Your job is to just relax and stop worrying." I realize this is a ridiculous statement on my part. Relax is not in her vocabulary. Never has been. Anytime there was quiet time or we were supposed to be on vacation, she would just sit there, wringing her hands and holding her breath. How long can a person hold their breath? Apparently 77 years is one answer. I have never seen anyone else in my life do that.

Today mom started Seroquel to calm down. No amount of prozac and anxiety meds were doing the trick. She may be 5 feet tall and 200 pounds, but her low center of gravity can hit you like a truck. I'm curious to know if she has side effects, or if it will help.

Once again I have done a good deed yet to be noticed. I called my mom tonight and tried to talk positive with her. She asked me, "when were you here on a Monday?'" I told her last week. This week I came on Sunday. She asked why I came on a Monday.--why may you ask? I DON"T KNOW. I told her I came on Monday because she didn't feel like me coming on that particular Sunday. What in the world? I have been confused as she is. HA HA! Then she started crying and asking me if I could get her out of there..(AL) I told her it just wouldn't work her being on her own. She said she was there by herself--no she isn't. Anyway, I told her she wouldn't eat, was afraid to be alone, etc. Why must I explain myself?--Let me tell you people, you CANNOT reason with the unreasonable. She said, "I could move in a little house or something", and I told her no in a nice way once again. Then...it was, "well, alright then" "bye", click. The phone call was over. That has been 6 hours and I am still trying to wrap my brain around it. I don't know why I feel bad, but I do feel bad for her...maybe because she doesn't understand, or may because she really cannot stay alone or maybe because I will NOT be able to go do for her everyday again and I will NOT want to. Either way, I feel bad. If I could have one wish right now, it would be that my mom forget everything. She wouldn't realize how miserable she really is.

Good night all...

It does matter and she doesn't want to admit it. She wants (just like the rest of our moms) pity. "I don't care" is another one of her pity tactics. Poor me, what about me, woe is me...ME ME ME!!! Let's take that big bag and pitch it in the lake. I have a big bag to that is weighing me down too. Anger, resentment, haste, and all the words in the thesaurus pertaining to "them".

I feel like I am starting to sound like my mother. Shut my mouth. I do NOT want to sound like her, be like her, or even look like her.--(even though I do look like her) I hear her voice and I cringe. I can see those looks she gives over and over in my head. When I think of something fun to do or when I wonder what life would be like...I see her face all soured up and those eyes piercing right through me. Oh do I hate the look/looks. The look of "you should feel guilty" "what are you thinking look" the look that says "I could choke you".

Today I have had to tell myself, she is ok, stop thinking about her and her misery. She makes me miserable and I haven't even talk to her since Sunday. WHY I ask myself.--because I let her--because we let them. STOP!! NOW!!

Sounded good anyway. Ha!

I asked mom one time if she wanted to be remembered and missed, or did she want people to say "ding dong the witch is dead"?

Her answer: I don't care. I won't be here.

Another time I asked her why on earth would she not work with me on future planning her old age? Why do you insist on making it as hard on me as possible?

Her Answer again: I don't care. I won't be there. (She always insisted she'd not ever need care and would simply drop dead in her house.)

Nice. So there it is. If there's nothing for her, it doesn't matter. I don't matter. The inconvenience to anyone because of her doesn't matter. That was when I realized I had been carrying around a big bag of resentment for a really long time. And I had to work on that, not her. I'm a long way off from being done working on that big bag.

Oh my, this is all so familiar. Last summer when mother was in hospital she met the family of her room mate and told me what a lovely couple they were and how much they did for their mother. And that they were going to visit her - didn't happen.

They don't get how they affect people, and make up what they want to in order to explain why others stay away. Narcissistic supply indeed. That is what mother is after with her current hunger strike. I would have thought that the psychiatrist would get it. She is refusing food - or was last I heard, but is still drinking and taking her vitamins. It is almost laughable. She said she was taking control. Of what I am not sure. It is an attention getter. One of these days she will go too far, but she has survived her own self created crises for 102 yrs so I suppose she will survive this too.

You are right, loo - it is all or 99 % transactional. I have a very few memories of a "normal" healthy interaction with my mother and fewer with my sister, A couple of years ago I admired a bracelet mother was wearing -a narrow bangle of gold and mother of pearl. She took it off and offered it to me saying she had another identical one. No strings attached, no undertones, no you owe me now - she just gave it to me in an rare act of generosity. I treasure those few memories. They help.

I just saw the other posts about narcissistic... YES!! my mom needs validation from everyone. This has been a life long journey for her. She was always "perfect" to everyone. She NEVER let anyone see her as imperfect. She kept a perfect house, had the perfect job (always head of everything), talented (really was though), and tried to have the perfect kid. When I would do something or even my kids would do something she didn't approve of, oh wow, she really went off. When my dad left her is when she really started letting her issues show. She was embarrassed that her perfect life wasn't so perfect, but of course it was him, not her. I was married and she was alone, oh no! How would she do it? She held on pretty good until about 5 years ago. I truly believe this narcissistic quality does cause dementia later...and our parents are proof.

"If mama ain't happy, then no one is happy"...LOVE IT! It is so true. I have used that at my own home many times, but I never thought to say it about my mom. How true! I am like many of you and very tired of her not being happy. I CANNOT make her happy and neither can any of you do that for your mom. ....and how right you are juddhabuddha, "they wonder why people avoid them". Wow, does people avoid my mom and she knows it. She will say, "so and so used to come in my room and sit on my bed and talk to me and now she just stands at the door and asks me what I want to eat". If only she knew why. Telling her would only make things worse, she would think I am telling her what a bad person she is and the pity party would get started. I also pray everyday I do not get like that. I pray for a healthy body and mind. To be trapped in their mind must be terrible--well we know it is because they let us know and I sure do feel the effects of it.

I am so happy to see you and your sister are starting the process of making amends. Peace is a life necessity. When we have to hold in so much it is like drinking poison. Slowly it is eating away at your mind, body and soul.

Take the books and read them yourself, enjoy and get the last laugh. When I went yesterday to see my mom and do what I think is "right", a man came to visit his mom. My mom said there he comes. He comes EVERYDAY. (I told this already, but....) He didn't stay but 10 min and left. She was disappointed I saw he didnt stay long. I asked one of the workers later and he does NOT come everyday. My mom makes herself miserable believing to herself he comes everyday and I don't.

Father in Heaven, I pray to You to watch over each one of us and keep us safe from the afflictions of dementia and keep us healthy in our minds and our bodies. I also pray that You will also make our land of afflictions fruitful. --In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

What do they get out of it? Narcissistic Supply. (google it)

These people have such under-developed senses of self they rely on the outside world to validate everything. Some even fret that if they are not getting constant, non-stop narcissistic supply they might stop existing. This is something I personally can't get my head around. I'm not going to stop existing because I'm alone in a room. But, this certainty of mine is not true with the NPDs.

It's very existential. They have a physical self, but not a "soul" as I'd call it. We would think that if you need constant praise, attention, and validation, shouldn't you be nice to the people you want it from? These folks don't know how to do that because "nice" requires that you recognize the other person has feelings and is worth some level of human dignity. If you can't recognize that the other meat-bags standing around you in a room are people too, then you really don't have a foundation for sincere niceness. You can learn to fake it and force it though if that serves a purpose.

Remove that narcissistic supply and you get raw, pure narcissistic rage (google it). And we all know what that looks like.

In my mother's case, her ego is everything. She's not interested in relationships, she just wants attention. She doesn't want conversation, she just wants to be the authority, to have an audience. Anything she wants to talk about takes the form of a mini lecture, or a complaint (it used to be hostility disguised as teasing, but I think cognitively, she can't do much of that anymore). If she can't get praise or admiration, she will do the opposite and play the sympathy card. She wants things done for her, but if there's any hint that it's because she's no longer able to do them herself, then it gets very tricky, and handling her denial, envy, and resentment is soul-sucking. She doesn't offer sincere appreciation--in fact, she'll minimize or ignore whatever efforts you might have made on her behalf. She tries to guilt-trip and is full of self-pity. Everything is nothing more than a transaction with my mother. What she wants or doesn't want, if she's momentarily satisfied, or not, at any given moment.

Why has it never occurred to them that to be loved and remembered for kindness is an achievement and is best for everyone?

Maybe their ego is just indignant about it all. What bothers me most is the percentage of aging people getting like this. After struggling to be whatever they strove for, why are many elders destroying all the good and leaving earth with sour faces on their loved ones? Is this really a physical ailment? Or is it a stubborn ego that wants to punish others who are still younger and happier. geez.

juddha, it's the old saying "if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." What my mom gets out of this behavior is that all of the grandkids have pulled away, as have a few friends. The few relatives that listen give her the pity, sympathy, outrage at how awful her life is and how badly we're treating her. Me, I think it's a shame to be unable to enjoy a good book because you refuse to admit your body is changing. My kids have instructions to call me on it if I ever start sounding like her.

I just don't get why one feels they MUST be miserable and make sure the ones who are there for them are just as miserable. No one gets Brownie points for this behavior in Heaven, if there is one. It's bad karma for them. What do they get out of this behavior? Pity? Then they wonder why everyone avoids them.

I pray every day I never get like that!

Thanks to the eye doc, Mom can now see clearly in her right eye. Who knew it was so bad that she couldn't read a wall clock. We're thrilled she can read again and thought she would be too. Not.....when I told her I'd get her the latest books in a series she loves, she turned it down. She's bound and determined to be miserable. I'm going to put a couple word puzzle books and paperbacks in her drawer so she can read without me knowing she's doing something fun.....oy.

Good Monday morning to you. Took major steps to talk and reconcile with my sisters yesterday. I must admit, it felt really good. My parents are elated that we have come together that doesn't mean we don't have other issues, but it's a start! Have a great day! God bless

So...not too bad. Called first to see if she needed anything. Don't know if you recall the "nasty" candy I took her and she told me to take home..she wanted more of it today. I got the candy, her medication at the pharmacy and went for the visit. I did her hair and she actually asked to sit on the covered porch. Had a nice visit--other than she wouldn't hush. She talked non-stop today. It beats her hatefulness, but it was pretty annoying. She admitted today that she sits on the porch with the other ladies--now the truth comes out. I want to say "it really is ok to be happy for once". I just didn't want to get anything started. She also admitted today she is having a hard time remembering things. She told me she can remember way back but is having a hard time remembering what happened earlier or the day before. I then, for a short moment, did feel sorry for her. I agreed with her about the dementia and told her it was ok and I know it must be frustrating. Then very quickly she changed the subject. I stayed around two hours and when I told her I needed to go home, she actually thanked me for doing her hair and told me to be careful going home. Well, now, what do I think of that? I hope it can last. Now, the complaining was still there about somethings but today was tolerable.

emjo: It is difficult when our days are scheduled around "them" even when we aren't really doing for "them". My mind is consumed day after day. I do feel some freedom now she is in AL. It has only been 4 months since my mom's move and I am hoping I can get less and less discouraged through each day. I hope my mind gets less and less consumed with what needs to be done for her.

juddhabuddaboo: You are welcome, I hope when I write it helps others understand they are not alone because coming to this site, so many others have given so much encouragement. It helps me to write it all down (even if it all doesn't make sense) it helps me and if it helps someone else in the process, then I am even happier. I am so glad your day went as planned or maybe better than you expected. Now, you can enjoy the evening in some sort of peace and face tomorrow without looking back.

Good night friends.

Thanks for your entries. So it's Sunday. My beloved temple has moved too far away to attend like I used to. I crave time to relax, to commune with God either in a meditation group, alone in my apt, or alone in nature. Conflict: What about Mom? She's cooped up in her nice apt on a beautiful day. First tactic: wait until it's so late in the morning that she already took her short walk by herself. I start getting my late breakfast, the shower, take my time. Now wondering what to say to her.
Feeling torn between just doing whatever I want and feeling like I could take her somewhere today. I need quality time alone and exercise. She talks non-stop and is so annoying, insulting, or such a brain drainer. If I hope for a fun time, a quality conversation, of course I am disappointed. Doesn't happen anymore. Ok. Time to call her. It's 10:30.

Tactic 1 worked. She already took a short walk, doesn't feel good but wants something to do later.
Tactic 2: Fine. The freedom bell is ringing. "I'll pick you up at 1:30 and we can go to the dollar store and places like that." success! She ilked that idea and I could go for a short hike!

I discovered a new short hiking trail, had my quiet time with God and a few of his insect friends, got home, made a big salad and then took my happy mother to a new thrift store. She was delighted at the surprise. We took our time, had a lot of fun. She was happy looking on her own while I wandered on my own. I kept checking back with her which she appreciated. We ate out at a buffet place on the way home an had a really wonderful day!

jewel - I sympathise. I am travelling once again to mother's city to do what has to be done - in this case to meet with the psychiatrist and social worker, I don't want to go - I REALLY don't want to go. I am tired of planning so much of my life around my mother's needs. I won't even see her as she doesn't want to see any of us, which is a plus, but it still means a trip down, more nights in a hotel, taking with people who don't seem to take in what I am telling them. She isn't going to settle down, she will continue to make crises, they may as well ship her out of hospital to whatever facility she is next going to as this is life as usual with mother. Re clothing -they want me to buy her more washable outfits She isn't wearing the outfits I have already bought her. Christmas decorations - last time I sent her a floral arrangement for Christmas she b*tched about it so I haven't sent anything more. They don't want to be happy - they want to b*tch. I don't want to be around it.

It is Sunday once again. Today is the day I go do my lovely duty with my mom. I get so anxious and sitting here wishing I didn't have to go. I know what you are thinking--you don't have to. Well, you are so right but my conscience tells me I do. The sun is shining, it is a beautiful day and it is getting ready to become cloudy with a chance of angry granny and debbie downer. Just needed to write it down. I am hoping for a quick hair do and zippity do dah out of there.

Looloo: I am with you. My mom throws so many pity parties I can't keep up with them. It is so funny you say "it is the way she asks". I can't tell you how familiar that is to me. It IS just the way my mom asks things that I know what is next..poor me, look at me, what about me. Monday on my visit she started talking about shopping-about how she used to go every Saturday and shop and how she can't get out anymore, blah blah. She looked at me and asked "where do you buy your clothes"' I told her I don't really shop much ( I actually try to wear the same thing when I go see her because she gets out of whack if she thinks I have on something new). Then the conversation gets into, "well, at least you can get out", at least you aren't caged up like an animal. Really?!? you are NOT caged. I have asked her many times to go to local stores and she says the same things "they don't have anything here in this ole town"--(it is a small town compared to where she lived, there was a mall and many strip malls)--my town is quaint and has a few maybe 3 stores. Or she will say, I can't walk anymore --yes she can. Here is something else that drives me crazy: She will try to make me look bad by saying, "I asked the other ladies where they get their clothes and they tell me their daughters bring them to them." First of all, I DON"T believe it, I believe the ladies already had these clothes when they moved in and one lady goes out on her own and shops still. Second of all, I have shopped for my mom MANY times over these past 3 years as she lost weight and couldn't wear her own clothes. She may have kept 3 things total from all that time. She NEVER liked anything I brought her, only the pajamas and robes. Never the clothes. I told her I wasn't shopping for her anymore because she didn't like what I bought and she said they didn't fit that was all. How she doesn't remember... My mind is boggled too. My mom won't get a tree anymore either. I put up some Christmas stuff 2 years ago for her and boy did she get mad. I had to take them down. I don't understand why they CHOOSE to be so miserable.

I don't tell my mother that stuff at all anymore -- not that we go anywhere too far, for too long, too often, lol! I can't stand her pity party anymore. I even lied last Christmas and told her we weren't getting a tree, because I could tell by the way she asked, that it was all about how SHE DIDN'T HAVE a tree, so if we did have one, then we should abandon our happiness and be miserable for her. She hasn't had a tree since we were kids. She's selfish on so many levels, it boggles my mind.

Great advice sandwich42!! I have gotten away with staying the night or two somewhere and didn't tell her. I also thought of telling her I had to go away for a training for my job and I might take my family with me. Oh who cares, I need a vacation! Ha! My mom doesn't expect me to take her (well, she doesn't say that) but she doesn't want us to go because she can't. --make sense? clear as mud?

Enjoy your music fest in your hot beer tent...you will have a blast!

PS - I'm taking my own advice and going away for a music fest weekend with my husband. I am not even telling mom. She doesn't need to know. There is literally nothing that will happen that would require me to stop vacationing to take care of it, short of her actually dying. Anything she needs is handled by the care center. I am free and I am going to enjoy my weekend dadgummit.

Jeweltone - GO ON VACATION. Do something really decadent and fun.
Trust me. And allow yourself to BE on vacation when you get there.
Happiness is the best revenge. Happiness is a really healthy break from the normal guilt/stress/anxiety of all this. You'll get used to this feeling and will stop allowing other things to take away from it on regular days.

My mom did/does the big guilt-trip when we travel as a family without her. When she lived in another state, it was hilariously outrageous that she would expect us to go down there and get her first. We're 1800 miles away! Now that she is here, she expects to go along on everything - especially if it's a trip that would make no sense to bring an incontinent dementia patient along with us. Like hiking around Lake Superior. Or sitting in a hot beer tent for a weekend for a music fest. The answer is just a big fat unapologetic NO.

You take care of yourself and your family. Stop depriving everybody else because your mom might get her nose out of joint over it. You are all adults, so you get to make the calls these days. She can just lump it.

I mentioned to mom once that I do not recall any of our family vacations where we brought her parents along. Ever. We didn't ever go out to eat with them. Ever. So why does she expect to be the third child in our family?

Make those plans and don't look back.

Absolutely we can limit our exposure to the madness. I do have to go back on Thursday because the hairdresser is coming to trim my mom's hair. Two times in one week is too much. My mom is too much. I want to go on vacation with my family and I am having nightmares about what she will say when I tell her I will be gone for a week..here is what will be going on in her mind (well, now with no filter, out loud) "thought you were broke" "didn't know you could afford to go to the beach", "I haven't been anywhere in years", "that's what kids do, they leave their family and go on vacation". "leave me stuck here in this place". On and on. So, it is almost easier not to go. I went and stayed the weekend away with my husband for our anniversary, big mistake to tell her. For a month or longer I had to hear how I went away and shacked up with my man for a weekend. She made me feel so dirty...Haha. My family hasn't been on vacation for 4 years. The first year we didn't go due to my son tearing his ACL and having surgery, then the last 3 years have been taking care of her. It will be a WELL DESERVED vacation, but once again here comes the guilt.

My mom being 68 always makes comments about the other ladies and gentlemen that live in the AL. She will ask me, "have you ever talked to an 85 or 90 year old woman?, they don't know what you are saying...Really, mom? Some of those 80 and 90 year old people know more than she does at 68. She tells me over and over it is like a nursing home. Hardly!! It is a nice place (building) but her mind is an awful place to be.

My mom also complained about where she lived, moved, and complained again over & over. I noticed on the third move that her complaints were the same each time - verbatim. Now after her 4th move, the complaints have appeared again. Mom's have the bonus component of tinfoil-hat paranoia. She always says "Everybody's leaving xyz!" Everybody was leaving the neighborhood in the city. Everybody was leaving the country town. The doctor's office. The pharmacy. The eye doctor. Then it was her new apartment near me. She had not been there a week and it started. "I heard the staff talking in the hall. Everybody's leaving here like ants in a hill". Now it's in her care center ward - everybody's leaving. Oof. If one person moves off the ward, everybody's leaving. If she sees an ambulance, everybody's dying and she's next. (What are the odds you'd see an ambulance at a senior residence and nursing home?) If shifts change, everybody's leaving. It starts to wear on me, so I have to ignore it. I mark it up to her OCD, her dementia, and her chronic embitterment. It will never change, but I can limit my exposure to it.