Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
If I go to to a beach or public place, I always head for the far end where there are few people. I can entertain a large crowd for my work but I prefer to be alone. I sure can understand where all these preferences come from! If you lived one day of our crazy family, you'd be that way too. Maybe you are?
Where did you find the info?
I will throw another one in here. For years I have had this phrase in my head "LEAVE ME ALONE". Finally I looked it up on the internet several years ago and, lo and behold, it relates to children of people with personality disorders. I didn't find it so easily now, but it came out then when I needed it. I have a very deep need to be left alone, from the continual interference of my narcissistic/BPD mother. Anyone identify?
Today my mom called once again with a list of items she wants from her mom's...those items are gone, of course. She tried to pull the woe is me, everything I want is gone, attitude. I told her straight out that she had first dibs and was asked every week if there was anything she wanted There is was, the awkward silence. That was my cue to say, I need to go back to work. I am going to take this time to say I don't really care that it is gone, she had her chance. With that said, I do realize her mind was not right to be able to make decisions about what she wanted. Now she is thinking about things in the house and wants them. For my own sake and the guilt I hold on to, I cannot worry about what is done.
My thoughts are with each of you tonight as you think of how tomorrow will go. Let's try to remember: Nothing we do will change the way it is.
Found out mom has (had) schizophrenia with paranoia. That explains even more than bi-polar. They started Risperidone with her last night. She believes everyone is out to kill her. Thus the flip out when she saw EMTs coming to get the lady next door to her at the NH. She thought she was next and they were going to cart her off to kill her. She has verbalized this kind of thinking to me many times over the years. This is not new thinking. The dementia just keeps her from hiding her reaction to the thoughts now.
Probably 5+ years ago I made an anonymous call to the county APS to report a vulnerable adult. They were worthless, but she wouldn't let them in the door because they were going to cart her off and kill her. It took me on the phone, my uncle next door to her, and the Sheriff to get her to open that door and let the SW inside. I told her, you can open that door or they will open the door. But the door will be opened. You aren't helping yourself look very sane right now by hiding like a child. They know you're in there.
I think MORE people ought to be trained on what schizophrenia looks like and how to respond to it. Mom was never a drooling idiot. She wasn't picking at her poop in a corner of a room. It's not always like it looks on TV. She could get dressed and have a conversation. The dementia made her stop keeping secrets like the voices she hears and hallucinations she sees.
Her deepest fear was anybody finding out and taking her away for lobotomy and shock treatment. Because that is what they used to do in the past. She never could understand we have progressed past that and a good doctor plus the right meds can set you on a terrific path. Sad.
I'm questionning my own sense of what I thought were lifelong ties. Even if we're hardly in touch anymore, I've known this person since she was born, and her parents and my parents were close enough that they were listed as guardians for each other, if something were to happen to us kids. I know people have falling outs, and drift, and I have no problem with that. I just am feeling a little like...if this person sends baby announcements the old-fashioned way, in the mail, to my mother and to me, then we are officially still in touch right? So, why not even a courtesy "i'm so sorry to hear..."? Sigh.... I guess I needed/hoped for/expected more, which is my mistake.
This is one of those times where I feel more alone for having reached out, then I would have felt if I'd just kept to myself. I feel that way a lot, actually. Kind of burned out on human interaction. Sorry for gloomy gus attitude today :(
Ready for Monday. An email appears from Mom. What? It reads like, like, an apology? I think that's what's underneath it and the words are almost there!
Ladies, get on board this boundary thing! It's a good thing. If the parent is not totally 100% sanity gone, there may be a few moments left of a thread of communication. Not much, but at 93, that's pretty good for her. Either way is ok with moi!
me: try to calm down from anger at myself for getting the phone. Got peaceful after 20 minutes. An hour later, I call her back.
"Well, well, are you UP now?" I didn't say anything.
"Are you there?"
"That sounded sarcastistic to me. I am fine."
"I am not sarcastic," she laughs with her demonic phoney laugh. "That's YOUR interpretation. But OH I am USED to it."
"Yeah, I am too." I said. "Now what's your problem?"
she can't explain it except for interrupting me when I ask her things to find out more, and then finally she shouts at me, "OH your're getting me all upset!!"
"Why don't you call Comcast and ask them about your bill. I never had them or cable before and they know what you need to do. That's their job to explain it to you."
"OH, you never listen to me. Why don't you listen to me!"
She goes through exactly the same illogical stuff with double nasty sarcasm.
I repeat what I said with more calmness and firmness telling her to call them.
"I have to go to the bank. Why don't you call me later when YOU'RE in good mood!"
I laughed (genuinely). "I WAS in a great mood!"
Geezum, Mary, and ghosts of Rage! or age or something!
Yes. Now I will put on my music. Turn it up and shower her crap off of my holy aura!
Comments welcome! Thanks for giving me a place to vent. I feel ever so much better.
My hopes for today: A good, quick visit with no complaining and no negativity. Just a calm enjoyable visit.
I have told myself: She cannot hurt me anymore, I am in control of the situation and can leave at any time during the visit and I will not let her ruin the rest of my day.
LooLoo: My mom has been ill for 3 years and now looking back at least the past 5 or more years. I am just now starting to tell people. I haven't told anyone that she used to work with or anyone that she used to go to school with. I always just say she is doing ok when they ask about her. I avoid any questions when I can. I do it for the same reason that my mom would not want anyone to know because she always displayed this perfect life and pristine self and would be embarrassed. I just do it out of respect for her since she was always so private before and still is. When my mom doesn't know the difference, then I will share more with others, but for now, I only share here. I do totally understand where you are coming from. Slowly though it is good to start telling people, because that has helped with my stress too--not holding it all in.
I was reared in a super duper strict Southern Baptist environment. Home wasn't as strict as school and church, but mom & dad were no slouches. It was the no card playing, no drinking, no movies, no pants for girls, no divorce, no smiles, no fun, no enjoying anything about life at all people. Anything that seemed remotely enjoyable probably led to dancing.
It was brainwashing from all corners, 7 days a week. Obey, obey, obey, obey or go to h3ll and be roasted like a S'more. This totally sounded reasonable to everyone. That God would send children to hades for sassing and having independent thoughts. We were inculcated at every turn to not think for ourselves. Don't ask questions. Don't speak up. Do as you're told and don't think. Anybody who was being abused must have done *something* to deserve it. These were the same people who eventually went on to do the preaching that if you're not rich, God doesn't love you and you deserve to be poor. Sadists, every single one of them.
This triple whammy from Mom, the private school, and the church that ran it really did a number on me. I had zero self-esteem until I went away to college and got completely away from that thinking. Those people systematically dominated the girls that went through that place. Guys were off the hook. Girls were from original sin, evil, dirty, and not worth anything. It was really shocking, but this place was huge, powerful, and nobody was going to question them back then.
It has taken me decades, therapy, and a lot of personal work to get over that upbringing. If it weren't for my dad and several key people at a different church who were genuinely loving, truly kind, and who never demonized me for questions, thoughts, and opinions....I'd probably have done myself in before now. They were like a small oasis in a hurricane. They never said I was evil.
When I moved to a different state with no S.Baptists, it was like somebody opened a window and let in fresh air. People laughed, told jokes, wore normal clothes, and went normal places. Life is to be enjoyed, not endured.
If it hadn't been for a handful of normal moms that I got to know in late highschool, through their daughters, I would be so messed up. Those mothers showed me what it could be like. They showed me love, kindness, softness, and basic respect as a worthwhile person. Amazing!
Now that I know what my mother was struggling with, I wonder how many other of these mean, sadistic, pathetic people were also struggling with mental illness and using God & church to justify their actions.
Example: in mom's piano bench was old sheet music titled things like "Why Me", "Searching", "Make me Whole", and other things that I can sum up by saying "Life has to suck and then you die. There's probably more punishment after that". Those people have no idea what they're missing and I feel pity for them.
I've gotten the impression over the years that her parents and my mother's relationship has soured--understandably. My mother has alienated many people with her rudeness, lack of interest in others, snobbishness, and so on. But I haven't told people about her dementia in some part because I believe she'd be embarrassed (and of course, she'd think I was trashing her to others).
Anyway, part of this journey is realizing how long I've kept up a facade for many reasons, and feeling like it's ok to let that go too. My mother won't know now, so it's ok, I think.
Yes, other people in your life deserve attention too, and so do your yourself.
"I am entitled to have my own life and be happy. Why is that so danged hard?"
You ARE entitled. !t is hard because a narcissistic mother brings you up to serve her, and does not recognise that you have a right to your own life. They have very poor, if any, boundaries. We have to "unlearn" what we learned about our roles in childhood, and learn - teach ourselves - new ones, all the while being pressured by our narcissist to stay the way they brought us up. It isn't easy, but with work it can be done (((((hugs))))
I don't know if it is your conscience speaking to you or the guilt - which is a very different thing. Let your conscience be active in terms of looking after you too.
I read a C.S. Lewis quote today to the effect that the heart must listen to the mind.
"We tend to trust too much in our feelings, and allow our feelings to direct how we think. It should be exactly the opposite, that is, our mind should direct our feelings. Allowing our heart to direct our lives can lead to ruin."
Take care of you.
After helping her a bunch today, my mom told me she loves me and doesn't mean to say mean things--it is just because she has pain. I appreciate her saying this but it just doesn't cut it. Pain is awful, but being mean doesn't make it go away. I feel like she treats me like an old shoe or a worthless piece of junk so much of the time. Less now than I used to, though. I told her about the way I felt she treated me a couple of years ago and she was furious. It did help a bit though. I think she appreciates me more than she ever did before.
Which Blog are you referring to, Jeweltone? I never saw that information in your posting.
As I stated yesterday, we had a sale at my grandmother's and was I ever right. My mom called me 5 times today remembering things she may want. Most of it was already gone and I was able to put back a couple things. I understand why this happens being the mind is not able to make decisions, but boy is it exhausting. When I saw her call, that dread was stabbing me hard. I feel so sorry for her then I get so upset with her. I finally quit answering the phone which by all means was so hard.
I have decided not to go see her tomorrow. I am glad I am able to stick with it, but it is still nagging at me. I am trying to pull back more and more, but my conscience tells me one thing and my mind tells me something else. Actually, my mind is full to capacity. I do not have anymore space left. That is one more thing I am working on--clearing out some space in my mind for more pleasure instead of all this dread and negative thoughts.
Hope all is well with everyone and I hope your weekend is going your way.
The dread today comes from knowing that tomorrow she will probably call me many times because she knows the sale is going on and she will be nervous knowing the things are being sold.--rightfully so. I know it is painful for her because she really hasn't been able to grieve. She was so ill and on hospice when my grandmother passed. Now, she is better and is having such a hard time. She barely remembers going to the funeral. The thing is, she has had ample time and we have asked her many times to go pick something out and the answer is always no. Now I know that each day after the sale will be another thorn in my side with her constantly wishing she had picked something out. Of course, she will not like anything I have picked out, but the good daughter says try again,
Hang in there girls...we can and will get through this.
"Galatians chapter six warns us not to grow weary in well doing. If we do, we might miss our due season of harvest." ~~Victoria Olsteen
Over the last weekend, I was very stressed out over the situation with her neighbor. The phone calls, the emails, her panicky urgent tone about things that I truly am NOT concerned with. The last few days, I've gotten a little more confident and comfortable with my own decisions. I wasn't sure how to handle this person. I didn't like her level of involvement (my mother seems to be one of her 'projects') and especially her own anxiety (I really resent having to calm HER down all the time). I've also noticed an element of pure competition with her - as if she's racing me sometimes, to 'do' whatever it is for my mother. Her behavior would end up feeding my guilty feelings more, so that I felt less competent, and not as 'good' morally as she was. And that unspoken invitation to 'compete' right back at her? No THANK YOU.
Emjo, you said something about how unhealthy people tend to attract other unhealthy people, and that is so very true. That statement also made me reflect on my own patterns of getting sucked in, no matter who the person happens to be. I don't want to be another 'unhealthy' person attracting people who act this way! So, I've spent the past few days 'detaching' even more. Making personal plans, not feeling obligated to explain, notify, or involve anyone in my decisions. Now, if only I could detach from that pit of dread in my stomach, the next time I see her calling or emailing! Baby steps! :)
that we have some magic potion only available to us, and no one else. Well, don't we wish. We are the same, just with much more on our plates. I will look for the book you spoke of, thanks for that. The potatoe, is just one of a million things we deal with. Some would say ( so what, just one stop ), I would say, one of many stops, now and for a God knows how long! I am amazed at how much in common so many of us are, and have been dealing with. I am tired, and try so hard not to be upset, yet, oh yes, I am only human. Just as we all struggle we care, care and care some more. We pusg through each day, hoping that perhaps tomorrow will be better, never knowing, just hoping, like all humans.
I wish you well on your journey, and will hope that you are able to work things out, and can have your retirement well deserved, with some peace of mind and heart.
Jazmine1
I am always waiting for her to let me know she is pleased with me. At the age of almost 62, that is just plain pathetic. I feel like a puppy that waits forever to get patted on the head. I also get this guilt feeling when she reminds me (relatively often) that she feels she is going to die soon. ARGH!!! I want my head to be free for positive and healthy, happy thoughts.
I am going to go back and read this book--I am telling you--it has helped me so much: "Will I ever be good enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers," by Karyl McBride. If anyone else reads it, please let me know if you can relate to it as much as I do. It elucidated so much for me. At least I know I am not crazy and that I am not alone.
Although she is 87, she is quite capable of lots of things. She still drives, but is very unsteady on her feet. I have to find that balance of being there for her but not taking away her independence. I realize that I am pretty controlling in my own way. I feel for Jeweltone because her mom is just a little older than me and could cause many years of grief. Come on, girls--let's do this! We have to take charge of our own happiness. One step at a time. I feel better when I read your entries and when I write. Sorry if I am rambling. Know I am grateful for you all.