Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
Armour on! Guilt Shield up! Just need something to increase energy from being so exhausted from the guilt trip!
Good evening and hope you all have a great weekend.
mum called me a b*tch and said I deserved what my brother did to me? there and then I knew leave and don't come back.
yes they will see now but Ive had to move out with no money to get them to wake up to this its so unfair.
But youre right this has all happened for a reason and things have to get sorted either way?
mum was LOVING the drama scary but true as long as im the baddie and shes not crazy then shes happy!!
Hugs I will get through this from all the support on here do I want to see mum ever again I don't know im too angry to think but if I do see her it will be a visit nothing else!
I'd not have contact with your mother, your other brother and his wife for the time being. Maybe inform your. Mother's docs that there's tremendous family dysfunction and upheaval at the moment, but to please keep you informed.
And see what the next few days, and weeks, bring. Again, I'm so sorry. Hugs.
I am just in shock that family could do this to me but i know see my brother has had an agenda he says when i leave he will move in with his wife? mum hates his wife and i had to have her kicked out years ago as she was stealing from mum?
I think mum would rather her son and this wife than go into a home? so what can i do to protect her now?
I will contact her docs tomorrow but i think i am better to walk away now as the stress is too much and siblings turning against me? brother in UK is in a state and says well if he cant see how mum is not right in the head then leave easy to say when ive nowhere to go to?
I will never forgive my mum for this and if she wants me out after caring for her for five years here then i will never see her again.
i feel used and betrayed this is how family treat you instead of working together to support mum.
She really is losing it now and seems to be loving all the attention that brother is giving her?
I will have no choice but to leave i am in such a bad way and my only hope now is her docs?
ANY advice now would be grateful!
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Next week, I will be driving down for the first time since late July, and I'll be timing things so that I'll be there while she's at a dentist appointment. I'm not telling her or her neighbor that I'm coming, and hope her neighbor doesn't see me. If she does, no big deal, I just prefer not to interact (and I don't entirely trust her NOT to tell my mother I was there--she is a bit scatterbrained herself at times). I'll be there to get the remainder of her checks, and to get the keys to the safe deposit box. Last week her neighbor informed me that my mother had managed to mail a check to her insurance company, even though we told her over and over again that everything is auto-paid and up to date. I've checked online, and nothing's showing up yet, so maybe this isn't true. But I think it's time to "grab the bull by the horns" and do this. She rarely writes checks, so I'm hoping she won't notice EVER, but will deal with it if she does. As for the safe deposit keys, this is something that has been irritating me personally -- that, when the time comes, I'll be expected to go on a quest for the keys before I'm able to handle any business. So hopefully I'll find them pretty quickly, stop by the bank, make copies of all important documents, and bring everything home with me. And if all goes well, I'll be scooting in and out without her ever knowing :)
Even tasks like this do still wake me up in the middle of the night. It did last night. Just anxiety that everything will go ok, plotting all my maneuvers, etc. I decided that I'd call the dentist's office to make sure she's there before I go up to the house, and was able to go to sleep after figuring that out. There is still so much dread and anxiety at the thought of dealing with her, but it's gotten so much better.
Have a wonderful, peaceful day everyone!
I have really vented this morning, not my intentions, but I sure do feel better. :-)
Multi, you are correct, you can never say you will never put her there. I always tell my mom, I am doing my best not to put her in the NH, I tell her that is the last option and I will hold out as long as I can. We never know what life will bring us, so don't make promises we can't keep. I have learned so much over the past few years and still have a lot to learn.
Hadn't talked to my mother in a while. and the social worker said she waned me to call her, so I did. We reviewed her clothing and what she needed and what I was doing about it. Gary, bless him, said we could go to the storage unit and get out her winter coat and I will see if can find a sweater without having to unpack everything. She started getting on her high horse abut how badly this was being managed, and that she wanted ALL her sweaters. So I asked her if she wanted someone other than me to do this. She calmed right down.
What she doesn't seem to appreciate is that it costs me up to $1000 every time I go down there and stay in a hotel. Then to get stuff out of storage I have to get over to the storage unit with Gary when he is free, because I cannot manage the stuff myself, get her stuff out and get it over to her at the hospital. And that is only the $ cost. There are also personal costs - stress, time, energy etc. At my age mother was travelling, doing exactly what she wanted and was caring for no one but herself. I tried to tell her that I had been sick for about 3 months so had been slower than I would have been in getting some things done, and she wouldn't hear it. She talked right over me. Another time if I really feel I need her to hear it, I will tell her to be quiet and listen to me because what I have to say is important!
Finally she got more reasonable. I said I was doing the best I could and she agreed with that and that was a good place to end the phone call.
Next time she says she might be dead before she gets her coat or her sweaters, I have 2 come backs - 1) well you won't need them then will you. or 2) I could die before you before you get them too.
I hate the bullying - never did take well to that. She tells people I am being difficult when I don't do exactly what she wants when she wants it. She and my sis have had these discussions for years, Kaz, you are not alone on that one. In fact, sis has gone behind my back and told stories to mother to cause trouble all my life as well as having these lengthy put down sessions with mother about me or other people .
I will, as best as can, without hurting myself, see that mother has what she needs and some of what she wants. But I will not put up with cr*p from her or my sis. When I asked her if she wanted someone else to do it, I meant it. I will take the breaks from seeing her, or talking to her, or doing things for her that I need. Has to be that way. If she doesn't like it, too bad, nothing new - what ever you do there is something she doesn't like.
Be prepared to hear how unimportant she knows she is, blah blah blah. Tune it out and get on down the road.
My mom did this too. Do NOT take the bait to explain yourself or justify why you have to stay on schedule. Sorry mom, I gotta fly now.
My mom has had a lump come up at the base of her neck and she showed it to me on Friday. I called the doctor today to see if they can stop by and look at it. They will put her on their schedule so I called mom to tell her. She said, "which doctor?'" When I told her, she said, "I don't like that doctor". bahahaha! Imagine that? She don't like that doctor. I told her they would let us know when they can come. She tried to get out of it and I ignored it. I love how our conversations on the phone are getting shorter and shorter because she never "likes" what I have to say. Ha Ha! Now she just says ok and hangs up. Makes my night better. The one thing I am still having trouble with is a movie I really want to see is coming out this weekend. I have a couple of friends that we all have birthdays close and we all go to the movies for our birthdays. One can go Friday, one can go Saturday and only can all three of us go on Sunday. Guess what Sunday is? Yep, you guessed it--mother day!! My problem is, I can't do her hair on Saturday we have another wedding to attend, I work Friday, so Sunday it is. I am so bummed. Even though I AM still going to the movies with them, I have to worry about getting out of there to meet them at the movies. I want to be able to do what I want without her wrath. One way I can look at it though would be-- After a day of you know what, I can relax at the end of the day with friends at the movies.--Okay, you talked me in to it! :-)
Repeat after me-- Dear Stress, Let's break up!
I think seriously that Sandwich AND jeweltone should each write a book about thier experiences funny but crazy! why read books when you can write your own and make a few dollars i know we all here would buy it!!
I will write a book one day about my dysfunctional family! i always said id wait though until mum and dad had passed! its all up here just have to get it to pen and paper! may sell in the fiction section though as i dont think anyone would believe the crap in our families!
am so done with siblings sis couldnt talk last night as she was "tired" oh fck off!
jeweltone is it possible for you to just go and see mum and just laugh?? i mean it stop letting her make you feel guilty youve gone above and beyond caring for her and lets face it she wasnt "mother of the year". Now that you know shes putting on an act for you to make you feel like crap try and look at her as a big joke! agree with her then leave and laugh your head off!
I am now just experiencing mums bad behaviour and lies but mum was never like this before well not a liar but always a manipulator! I couldnt give a hoot about mums lies its docs and nurses and siblings who make my blood boil believing the nonsense! Mums crap i can handle i find it scary but kinda funny that she thinks shes being clever what a way to live eh? trying to pretend youre normal around siblings gotta be hard work!!! I try to pretend im normal around people when im cracking up inside so yeh i can see how hard these elders have to work it!!
jeweltone treat yourself to a massage my sister got me a voucher for a beauty salon im getting a "luxury microdermabrasion facial" hoping it will melt away the last five years of stress on my face!
OHHHHHH so sick to death of people telling me how well my sister looks give me a bucket!!!! cleaning lady says gosh she dosnt look 46 and what a great figure she has etc........... then the carer?? i lost it and said "why the fck wouldnt she look good?" pots of money cushy job and ten wks paid holidays no kids no stress and can come and see mum once or twice a year while the other 8wks are spent abroad in exotic places! OMG please do not tell me again how well my sister looks for her age ITS CRUEL! also makes me feel like im a bag lady but i am! i used to glam up just going into town make-up the lot! NOW joggings and a quick hairbrush and im good to go?????? i know got to get out of this RUT! but any carers i know look like crap and older than thier years? I have to try and make an effort but i dont want my fab clothes to smell of PEE and POOP!!
I can safely say that I spent the better part of the past 20 years unnecessarily worrying about my mother. She would have me so stressed out I couldn't enjoy anything. I felt sick with it. I was sleepless for years. It was 100% b.s. cow manure. I should have been using that time out dancing with sailors.
Go get/borrow Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and You're Not Crazy, It's Your Mother.
When dealing with a narcissist, one must develop very thick boundaries and learn to ignore the temper tantrums. This takes practice & work, but it does get easier.
An awful lot of us here have Narcissistic & Borderline Personality Disorder parents, particularly mothers. We have all been there, are there now, and support each other as much as possible. Those Cluster B Personality Disorders will suck the life out of everybody in 100 miles. I have to think this is what JK Rowling based her Dementors on - a narcissistic mother!
**HUGS**
1. Can't sleep because she worries about everything. Poo-poos any suggestions of getting help or talking to someone. I've suggested sleep aids, even natural ones like chamomile tea but she explained to me that since she lives alone she can't be "too asleep"... in case someone breaks in. But then I wouldn't understand that because I'm married, she reminds me. (Um, I lived many years alone in an apartment so I know what it's like.) She won't go talk to anyone, either, because she thinks that would be useless.
2. The post on her newspaper box is loose. My husband looked at it on Labor Day, and said he would have to bring back tools with him to fix, and that we would need a fence tool. She complained again today that she's been waiting for my husband on this topic for three months, and that her neighbor down the street "just put his in, just like that!". Said she guesses she just can't count on him for that. So, I said, "perhaps he would know best then, Mom, on how to install the newspaper box." (Knowing full well that my husband, an engineer and chief tinkerer absolutely knows how to do it.) But she needs it done NOW, don'tcha know.
3. The paint is peeling on her front window and she doesn't know how she's going to get it done. She said she doesn't know anyone to help her, how can she get help. (Hint, hint.)
Mind you, she is saying this to get a reaction from me. Not just any reaction, but one like, "Mom, we'll be down as soon as possible to take care of all this!" We live over two hours away, and it's just not easy to take off and run down there whenever. Especially since my husband's contract job recently ended so we are pinching pennies on gas. We do visit her but not every weekend.
4. My brother hasn't contacted her for awhile, probably because they just moved from a condo to a home and he has his hands full with two little ones and maintenance on the new property. She has to remind me that he never sends her photos of the girls. That's because she hasn't made an effort to be in their lives, so he has backed off. Can't blame him. But it's not her fault, she claims it's my dad's fault because he left her 25 years ago!
5. Fear of nursing home. Every time a friend mentions that they visited someone at a nursing home she is quick to tell me how awful nursing homes are and that she would rather be shot than go to one.
I try to be patient and kind, but I refuse to be manipulated. I cannot believe that someone can be like that and turn around and say, "well, I'm not that kind of a person, I care about everyone and look where it's got me." She didn't do ANYTHING wrong, you know. I love her but I know she is human and she has made mistakes, too. Too bad she has an unrealistic mindset. And to those who think we are bad kids, my mom took care of me when I was growing up, but after being berated for 25 years over her divorce, I should get a medal for even continuing to talk to her and check on her. No one else would endure it. But I don't have to be sucked in to her misery. I refuse to. We will help, but within reason.
So, 3 cups of coffee and 6 cookies later, I remind myself that I will turn 50 in 6 months, and I am looking forward to it. I know, just a pup. Life has so much to offer and I have always had a good attitude. But sometimes, when I say my prayers at night, I ask God to give me more patience and strength, because I wonder if this is going to affect my health in the long run...and we aren't even into a true caregiver scenario yet! As another member commented the other day..."shields up!". So true. Quite honestly, I'm getting close to telling her that I won't be able to call her every day. That'll go over well...not.
Everyone have a great day and thank you for reading my ramblings.
49 is so young, anything under dead is young I say. I am 46 soon to be 47 and I too feel I have lost a few years. The wind blew us here and let's sail the rough sea. This too shall pass and we will be smooth sailing when the wind blows us there. Let's trust it will not be long. I also dread calling my mom, but I am waiting until the middle of the week. Some days it just seems to hard to bare and some days feel like a breeze.--I get more hard than breezy but I cherish the days I can smile and enjoy the day.
I think I am going to exercise and relieve more stress from this morning. My shoulders are tight and burning and my mind is still cluttered. "Clutter in the Mind is nothing more than postponing decisions" --sounds like us! Ha! Have a great evening!
I gave up feeling guilty a long time ago its wasted energy! i cannot let myself feel guilty for her having a mental illness its not my fault. The question i have to ask myself is can i continue to look after her knowing this illness will get worse? and no i cant im drained emotionally and mentally i look like a bag lady and need to stop and take care of me now. Five years is a long time to put your life on hold i just dont know where my life is heading and ive just turned 49yrs on sat makes you even more depressed another year another birthday and here we go again?
Mum went for a walk to the end of the road tonight?? she promised my sister? I just GIVE UP!
Thanks again for the encouragement and the laughter. I love reading your comments. It does help. I love a good laugh.
The thoughts of mum losing it with siblings is just not going to happen as shes too good an actress she has this showtiming down to a tea! and im passed caring anymore.
I will ring my sister tonight and im sure she will say she was fine all wkend?? I just wish mum would completely lose it with her just for once so she can see what its like? But no sis has done her bit now and wont be seen again until xmas?
My brother is in so much denial about her dementia that i think he told mum that i was saying she has dementia? if he did this then i have to get a shrink to talk to him what an idiot i mean what does he want? he has to see she is not registering info? My brother bought mum 2 very expensive books re diabetes and low carb diets?? he cannot see that its like giving these books to an ape? mum cannot reason and dosnt understand carbs and shit! mum got angry today as ive cut her bread down to breakfast only SO you see how giving her these books is useless does he think shes now going to get fit and healthy and cut out carbs and sugar at 77rys old with dementia? i just give up and think he needs a shrink to talk to him!
Jesse we have the same mums illness and personality BUT im done now cant do this anymore want to be her daughter again and not her punching bag so i am seeing the director of the home soon. Mum will die soon if shes not taken into care she is still even after collapsing and ending up in hospital refusing to let me monitor her meds so great this nurse who is calling will see that the only solution is a NH. I cant believe her stubborness and again we are back to arguing am just so sick of it. Says shes taking her meds properly and how would i know as im NEVER HERE?
If she praises my bro and sis one more time today im going to scream! as my sis did such a great job with her i will tell her to give up her cushy life and come home and look after her!
For now im saine i think? if i have to put up with this bad behaviour for much longer i will lose my mind!
Have to go since ive been typing mum is nagging at me to vacuum the house YEH good old sis cooked but never cleaned up so i came home to a mess so unfair! I am just an unpaid slave here and mums manipulation is getting worse in her mind i will NEVER leave her!
I know you're in a vulnerable position. The only thing I can figure is to try to extricate yourself from it, first emotionally, then physically. What works for me most of the time is to approach it like I am a professional. That is good and bad. It is good because I can keep taking care of my mother. It is bad because it puts a blanket on any feelings and have and smothers them. I don't like that, but it is better than being hurt or angry all the time.
I get so envious when I read the things from people who have loving mothers. I wish it was like that here. I know you wish the same thing. We just do the best we can do with circumstances that most people can't understand. This weekend I did something I haven't done before. Mom was in her hyper-sick mode, all wrapped up and looking like she would pass at any moment. It is very worrisome. The thing is that she has been "dying" every day since I've been here, so I never know what to do. When my brothers come, she gets dressed and acts semi-normal -- major showtiming. Brothers never get a look at what I see every day. So I took a picture. I really don't plan to show it to them, but it made me feel better just knowing that I had something validating what I see.
What is remarkable is how we stay sane. Personally I've been crazy all my life. I'll probably be totally loony toons on the other side.
when i went to see mum last wednesday she told me that the she told the doc that i was always telling her she had "dementia". I just dont know where this came from as never have i mentioned this to her???????? something is up and im getting to the bottom of it. Either someone in the hospital said this to her OR my stupid brother said something to her??? also she told docs that im always shouting at her ? im never home? and that i am always buying cakes and things?? she is telling them she collapsed from stress????? i am so done with this crap and am now going to get hold of her shrink which isnt easy to do as shes only one day a month in this town?
Mum was never a liar but its getting out of hand now as im been blamed for everything a nurse just rang and wanted to speak to mum i asked what is was about and she said ive been asked NOT to speak to you??
God only knows whats going on OR what mums been saying but i am so done now illness or not these lies are getting out of hand and someone had better start to wake up and start listening to me.
as far as i know a nurse is supposed to be coming in to check mums bloods 3 x times a week?? then what? do they really think that mum is going to change her ways?
I told my sister that she goes into a home where shes safe and meds monitored OR im leaving sister AGREED this cant go on! Bingo! sister finally waking up! sister was here all wkend and DIDNT go out with friends how could she mum was still weak and needed looking after so i bet sis was pissed off. So yes maybe now shes starting to see that if and when she comes home SHE will have no time to enjoy herself!!
I am sitting here waiting for a nurse to come? i cant get much sense out of mum she said she was coming today?
Its a disgrace that noone has contacted me to let me know whats going on? so now i must get to the bottom of this by contacting everyone to do with her! Her doc is away on hols so i have to wait to see him? Really i think NOW its time the professionals take over this as im drained and am finding it hard to function with anything.
I had ten days respite from mum but felt very sick last night at the thoughts of returning here of course she started going on about my cat and how good my brother and sister were to her at wkend???
Oh just put me to sleep until its all over! I feel nothing but anger right now and know this cant go on as it is mums lies are becoming scary she thinks she can fool everyone please god this will be resolved soon?
Mum dosnt look well at all and i know now that the dementia will start to progress faster now as she wasnt taking her diabetic meds. I know next time this will be fatal if she dosnt get the help she needs. What can i do? except scream at docs and tell them to wake up? I really thought we would have been called in and told the only solution now is a home?? guess not as long as they think shes competent and im living with her shes not seen as a risk??
Hugs to all will get to read whats been happening with you guys but right now i want to scream im so mad AGAIN im been blamed for mums health issues this time shes gone too far!
I am just going to keep out of her way as much as i can. Today she speaks to me like the hired help. You need to do this and that. It takes alot to stop you "running" out the door. NEVER would she speak to my sister like this OR my brother? but hey ho kept praising how good they were to her at wkend and yes probably LOVING the attention such a shame its takes her to collapse before brother spends time with her????
You have to stop working for this mythical mind mother who never stops giving you orders, never stop criticizing, and never shuts up. This kind of thing will make you crazy. For real.
Ground yourself in the reality of this moment, right now. Listen to the quiet and stop letting this imaginary voice in your head narrate on top of the quiet.
You're going to have to develop your own imagery and do exercises quite often to shut it down and keep it shut. Maybe picture yourself slamming an iron door on it. This door is so big and thick that no noise gets through. There are no cracks in it. It's completely solid and is connected to a wall that goes all the way around you forever. Or something!
Replace that noise from that sad, pathetic mind-mother, with positive loving statements. It's going to be OK. It's under control. I'm doing a great job (because you are). I am strong enough to get on top of these thoughts. When things change, I will be able to handle it just fine. I'm doing an amazing job with this. I should be lucky to have somebody like me handling my affairs one day. You really do have to say this stuff out loud to yourself.
I think your guilt is probably other things in reality as well, such as anxiety the money won't hold out. Fear the situation could change unexpectedly. Anxiety that something will happen you have no plan for, no information about, and no resources to point the way. Etc.
If you can unpack your guilt and take it apart into these other separate feelings, you can deal with every single one of them and I promise it will help.
My daughter made an excellent point while we had 3 hours in the car together. I was telling her about the guilt she puts on me and how she lies about what is going on at AL.--I do believe some of it, but most of it is lies. My daughter stated to me, "Mom, she wants you to fix it, therefore if she makes it out to be good, you WON"T fix it"...genius I must say. I really hope today gets more productive for me and I can stop thinking about her and her affairs and her misery. It makes me miserable and I am NOT a miserable person.
I hope everyone else is doing great!
All I heard from her while I was there was, sniffle, sniffle, sniffle, I hate it here, I wish you would take me with you, so and so dont like me, I am an outcast here, the workers never check on me. She went on about how bad it was gettting her hair done (but what she doesn't know is the girl texted me afterwards and told me how much my mom laughed and talked) Then my mom told me the director never comes to see her anymore, well I couldn't keep my mouth shut on that one, because I saw her in the entry when I came in and she told me that she could hear my mom laughing from the salon and she went up to see her. I watched how I said it, but I told my mom that the lady said she stopped in to see her when she got her hair done. Do you know that she told me that was a lie?!? She told me that the girl never came to the salon. OMG!! I wanted to scream at her. I didn't, I just said, well maybe I misunderstood.
Today though, I will say, my mom asked me if she were losing her mind. I said what do you mean? She said, I can't remember anything anymore. I did tell her that they did say she had some form of dementia but not to worry. She realizes sometimes, but other times she thinks she is always right. The hard thing about it all is she really isn't that bad as far as memory, it is just the ability to reason, comprehend, and care for herself. I noticed it today as I fixed her pill box. She is starting to take from different days and then tells me I didn't fill it up correctly. She tells me it confuses her. She asked me several times about the weekend and how will it work with me not being there. This is when I know she truly is ill. The memory thing confuses me, because it is not so bad. I read over and over about dementia (frontal lobe) just to remind myself that it is what they tell me. Maybe too because she is better since she has been at AL and on a better schedule.
Thanks again for all the encouragement. You are the best!!! Have a great weekend, I plan on it myself. WOOHOO!!!!